What can I do legally about Mom needing care and refusing?

LauraLe,
You say in post below that your mom is fine cognitively.......I'm wondering what that is based upon. When a person is refusing to bathe for months, not able to get herself food and basic hygiene and resists care......that's very concerning. I'd consult with an attorney to get information about your rights and obligations as her POA and family member. It sounds very concerning. With information about your rights, you can determine if you have the legal authority to act to protect her. Or if you choose not to, who can step in for her own protection.

She has dementia. She’s not going to be able to do anything to help herself. She can’t live alone. I’d concentrate on getting house ready for sale. & look for assisted living facility near you. Also see Elder law Atty. Until that happens, in the meanwhile, get an Aide in to house, despite her not wanting anyone. She needs bed baths if she can’t walk. Tell her Aide is there to help you. It’s going to take longer than a couple of months. Hugs 🤗

My MIL was similar. She fell and broke a hip, and that was what allowed us to finally get her into an assisted living situation. We took pictures and videos of the house, and the doctors agreed she could not go home and care for herself. It took my husband 6 weeks, full time, to sort thru the majority of the stuff, and then it took the pros another 2-4 weeks to finish sorting, have an estate sale, and put the house on the market.
One other thing we did, as we're in TX and she's in NJ, was to hire a geriatric case manager. She visited MIL a few times in the hospital and built a rapport. She also helped her 'make the decision on her own' that she couldn't go home again. She also helped her 'decide she didn't need to drive anymore' on her own. I say those tongue in cheek :-) She was very skilled, we got the decision we needed, and MIL retained the facade of control. Worth every penny.
Long answer, but occasionally you have to let nature run it's course, and live your life. It's hard to watch (we'd been asking her for 10 years to move), but....
Also, like someone else suggested, call the Agency on Aging. If she's not good at driving, report her to the DMV. You have to do what you need to do so you can sleep, but you also need to live your life. Good luck!

Call your mother's local Area Agency on Aging and outline her situation to them. They will be able to point you in the right direction to find help for her, and advice as to your legal responsibilities (which are nil if she is of sound mind, though that seems to be a moot point).

What prevents your mother from getting to the bathroom and from preparing meals? - other than her unwillingness to do so, combined with your doing these things for her, I mean.

I'm very sorry to read of your family's losses. Do you mind my asking what happened to your brothers? And again, do you mind my asking what changed seven years ago that might have made your mother reluctant to leave her home?

A couple of things you could do to ensure mom's safety. Firstly you could set her up with the medical emergency alarm that when the button is pushed an ambulance would be dispatched to her home. You may want to consider hiring a part time caregiver who could check on her however many days you feel comfortable with. If she doesn't allow strangers in the her home, you may have to set firm boundaries for her. Catholic Charities is a great resource where she could have supervision at an affordable fee. With the current Covid 19 virus, you could arrange to have her meals prepared and mailed to her home. Freshly is one that is doing this. Is she able to safely move about on her own and can she be trusted to use a microwave, etc.? Is there a trusted neighbor who could get her mail and look in on her on occasion? This all can be done safely and not overwhelmingly expensive. Does she still drive? I think you should be able to return home if you have trusted people you feel comfortable with. As a last resort you could install cameras throughout the house and check on her often. If i were in your shoes i would try to establish a trusted set of people to handle some of these concerns. My mother is 95 and has mild dementia. I am so thankful i did not place her in a facility due to recent deaths of nursing home patients and staff who have passed away from the Coronavirus. Not a good time to place a loved one in a home until a vaccine is found. Do you have a daughter/grandchild who could live in with her? So many things to think about. God bless you and i hope you find a working solution that will set your mind at ease.

You are in a real bind and from what you wrote it sounds like you think she is mentally sound. It is hard to understand how someone mentally sound can choose to live that way but I suppose it happens. If she is competent and won’t cooperate, I think you need to put yourself first and walk away. It is hard to imagine doing but you are not responsible for her and she has the right to make her own bad decisions. You said you have POA but are you financial or medical or both? Perhaps you can call your local Area Agency on Aging and get some advice. You might need a social worker to help you.

Please do take care of you. A loving, healthy, mentally sound mother wouldn’t expect her daughter to give up her own life indefinitely like you have. It isn’t right.

Leave her alone and go back to your family. You cant help someone who wont help themselves.

Thats why I am hoping for help. Mom is fine cognitively. I am the POA. I'm all that's left of the family. Mom barley gets by financially. She refuses to give up her house. If she did that she could use that money to get 24 hour care in a good place. I dont want to leave her she can not function. Thus me being stuck.

If your mother has a sound mind, and that’s a pretty low bar in legal terms, she’s free to make her own decisions, even the ones that don’t seem to make sense like not bathing. If she has dementia or significant enough mental illness that she’d be found incompetent then you can be made her guardian and be responsible for her care, or making decisions concerning it. Do you think she’s competent? If so, then please leave and let her figure it out. It’s not on you to get her to the bathroom or make her meals for the rest of her life just because she doesn’t want the help of others. Are there any legal documents in place that could be of help to you? I don’t see you being charged with anything in any case

Unfortunately your mother has the right to refuse care and treatment (Tx) if she is competent. Is there POA's for your mother's medical and financial? If so, are you on them to make decisions? Does your mother have money to hire in home care?

Answering these questions will help us to help you.