My father, who was a doctor, passed away seven years ago and as soon as my sister (only sibling) found out there wasn't any immediate money involved, she moved 1500 miles away.
My mother abused me endlessly as a child, beating me so badly I couldn't walk and telling me I'm a 'nothing' she wish she had aborted. All the while showering my younger sister with affection and telling me I'd be loved too if I were 'pretty' like her. She damaged my psyche so much I never believed anyone could possibly love me, thus, I went from one abusive husband to the next.
Even though I moved far away in my early twenties, she would send me 6-8 page letters stressing how 'worthless' I am, at least once a month. I quit reading them and even burned some. Yeah, and it felt good!
When my dad got sick, I moved back home with my sixth abusive husband. I had barely started unpacking when I got yet another letter from her forwarded from my prior address. It stated to just stay where I am because no one wants me or cares about me. I was already here and it absolutely tore me to shreds.
When my father was dying, she would laugh at him when he couldn't lift a fork to his mouth, never lifting a finger to help him at all, so I helped him. She is a hoarder who has never worked a day in her life and my father provided her with a life of luxury. To see her treat him that way, made me loathe her more than I thought humanly possible. I was sickened that it was him dying and not her.
I did everything within my power to stay away from her, until Hurricane Harvey hit Houston and flooded her home with four feet of water. A neighbor rescued her and her dogs in his boat and took them to his house. After she'd well overstayed her welcome and began trashing his place, he contacted me expecting me to do something since my wonderful sister had 'conveniently' disappeared. I DID do something at that point and I did a LOT.
My husband and I moved her into a rental house, found a contractor to rebuild her house and went there weekly to oversee the construction. This went on for many months. When her house was finally ready, we moved her back in and I had to deal with her furious landlords for leaving her rental house trashed. My husband and son spent three days cleaning it to appease them while I helped my mother pick out new furniture and appliances.
We live in a little apartment and barely make ends meet. My mother has so much money it's unreal. Yet, she let us spend every dime of our own money on her AND put me down every chance she got. She'd sit on her butt texting my sister while we did everything for her and let me continually know how great my sister is. WTH? My sister did absolutely nothing. Never even came to visit until everything was already done!
After all of this, my mother blocked me in every way possible. On Facebook, her phone, etc. Good riddance...........or so I thought.
My lovely sister called me recently to say our mom's sick and the dogs are pooping and peeing everywhere in the house. THIS time I was very assertive and told her she better get here and handle it herself. She hasn't spoken to me since. I don't know why that bothers me, but it does.
I apologize for the length of this. If you've made it this far, I'd very much like to know what YOU would do in a situation like this. Thanks so much!
:)
i hope you're doing much better now!
i like your name, winddancer. :)
makes me think of that song "she's like the wind". :)
i bet you're a great dancer! :)
regarding narcissism...
unfortunately, as i see on this forum, many mothers treat their daughters very badly (even while the daughter is helping with millions of things). i had no idea it was so common with aging parents, until i read the comments on this forum.
i understand abuse happens in many countries. i didn't know that aging parents, so often, mistreat their kind, helping adult children. on the contrary, i thought aging parents would be kinder, and deeply appreciate the help of their adult children. i thought, the abuse would lessen, maybe even disappear.
but no -- some aging parents, see the continuous contact (since you're helping with many things) as an opportunity to abuse more! you're stuck with them (because you kindly want to help), and they have lots of chances to abuse. psychological warfare, tearing us down, trying to trample us down to the ground. destroy us.
i previously said that, according to me, words that describe narcs are:
--thieves. they steal our time, energy...
--sabotage. they sabotage our jobs, dreams, happiness, relationships with others (for example, smear campaign) (typical also to compliment others: put you down/bring others up, try to make you feel bad; create conflict) (for example, complimenting a sibling who does nothing, while you're the one helping).
i would use another word also:
SADISTIC.
these people are sadistic.
they take pleasure in trying to destroy us.
we must protect ourselves.
as others have warned: low/no contact.
often, some siblings are narcs also. if you're the target/scapegoat, it's very possible you're the nice/sweet one; some of your siblings might be narcs, too.
mothers taking pleasure in making their daughters miserable, upset, sad...
as a result, we end up having to spend time on healing...maybe therapy...maybe forums where we feel understood/compassion/empathy...
imagine how much more time one would have, without having to go through all that.
time, energy, focus on beautiful things.
instead, we need weeks/months, etc., to heal.
dear wind :), you wrote 21 january, that you're letting them go, will now heal yourself. i hope you're healing!
:)
on my side, i'll help with some things.
i am however, protecting myself from the narcissistic person in my life.
hugs!
it's still january. :)
a new year!!
2021 :).
january comes from the greek god "janus".
god of beginning/endings.
let's create a new chapter in our lives! :)
hug!!
bundleofjoy :)
As for my mom and sister, yes, it's time for me to heal and let them both go.
I thank God for ALL of you special angels!
Your Mom is a Narcissist probably. Look it up. There are a number of members that are or have gone thru what you are. Some have learned to walk away. Easy no and why? My theary is there is always that one child, when the others walk away, that keeps looking for love that isn't there. Maybe if I do this, maybe if I do that they will love me. It never works because Narcissists don't know how to love. I bet sister has Narcissist tendencies. The best thing you can do is walk away. No, you won't have a family but what have they done for you but take. It will take a while, but you will be happier. Find new interests. Move away.
You are young and you need to focus on YOU. Run from both of them and never look back!!
I too spent my late teens getting the 6 page abusive letters from my dreadful father. I coped by getting someone else to read them and let me know if there was anything important I ought to know, then trashing them unread. Did your letters have the tell-tale sign of handwritten additions in multi-colored biro? I have read that when you get to three colors, you know that you have to quit! I quit. You need to quit too.
I was the only girl in my family.
My mom has always
favored my brothers.
I know what it’s like to be pushed aside and have a mom who stirred the pot and wrecking havoc for their children.
Parents can destroy any close bond between siblings by doing this.
My dad was kind and loving but mom overruled him.
It’s difficult to look back on our lives and have confusion regarding certain situations that occurred in our families. We are left with scars.
I was broken and I suspect that you are reaching your breaking point too.
I am happy that you found the strength to reach out. It takes courage to do so.
I dealt with the disastrous aftermath of a Hurricane too.
My mom’s house had nine feet of water after Katrina.
I moved her in with me. It wasn’t so bad in the beginning but eventually grew into a nightmare.
I am no longer mom’s caregiver. I couldn’t take anymore and told her to leave.
I did more than my share. Mom was with me for 15 years.
You have certainly done more than your share.
Do whatever you need to do to find strength and clarity.
Then please let go. Holding on is not the answer. Your mom is not your responsibility. Your sister is a thorn in your side.
I found help by speaking to a wonderful therapist. There is hope and healing.
After I was completely away from the madness, the fog lifted and I could see more clearly.
Yes, it hurts to not have a happy and healthy relationship with family members.
Start focusing on yourself. Build relationships with others who will truly care for you.
I’m so sorry that you have suffered so much pain from your family and ex husbands.
Do not allow anyone to judge you. They haven’t lived your life or walked in your shoes so who are they to judge you?
Let your mom and sis figure it out for themselves.
Say to yourself, ‘I am not their doormat for them to wipe their filthy feet on!’ Say it, until you believe it!
Take care, dear lady.
You might want to seriously think about seeking therapy, to help you find feelings of self worth, so you can live that life happily, free from abuse.
You are worth something. You owe nothing to anyone except yourself. Please, if you need help to move through this nightmare, please seek it.
You've done more than enough, and put up with more than enough. You owe her NOTHING!!!! She will now have to reap what she has sown.
Please get yourself some therapy, as you are not all the negative things your mom has said about you. You are a child of the Most High God, a daughter of the King. It doesn't get any better than that. May God bless you and keep you.
Congratulations for being assertive this time!
Instead of being bothered that your sister hasn't spoken to you, be glad. You do not need that negativity, etc. in your life.