I just need to talk with others that understand my feelings. Me (53 years old), my husband (60 years old) of 35 years and our 2 adult sons uprooted our family in 2018 to move in with his elderly (91 year old now) mother to take care of her so she wasn't put in a nursing home. She is very disrespectful, mean, hateful and manipulative. She has always hated me, which husband knew, but allowed us to move in with her. Even though I have no support from my husband, I'm the one guilted and forced to shower her or clean her butt when she purposely poops in his her pants. The way he allows her to treat us (especially me) and refuses to put his foot down with her is horrible. I begged him to put her in a home because I just couldn't handle the fighting between any longer. The stress got so bad that in 2022 I had a heart attack that almost killed me. The heart doctor even told him to his face that if the stress levels in my life don't drastically change quickly, I will die because my heart is very weak. He didn't care. Nothing changed. Then I had a stroke in my right eye that took my vision he didn't care. Nothing changed. I've begged and begged for help. Because, see I handle everything. I am not just the woman of the house. Unfortunately, I'm the man of the house, too. No matter how big or small the problem is I've always been looked at to handle. His excuses have always been I don't know how or just shrugging his shoulders because he knows I'm going to take care of it or it just won't get fixed. I even left him back in Feb of this year for 4 days. I was trying to get him to realize how he takes me for granted. He lets her treat me and our sons like crap even when we are the ones who take care of her. He will not put his foot down. So I asked him to choose: Your wife of 35 years and your family, or her. He chose her. It hurt me so bad and our sons, too. I don't know what else to do. He doesn't even know I exist unless there's a problem then of course he tells me to solve his own problem without even trying to solve it on his own. No matter what it is. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Get an appointment with your doctor and tell them you are abused and need help. They should have resources for women advocacy. Possibly even legal option. Your home is inhumane.
You certainly have earned a peaceful heart and contentment.
After the visit advise husband, "Given my heart attack history and stroke history doctor has advised me I must stop doing MIL's care."
Keep your car in good working order. If it needs new tires etc, get new tires.
I needed to move out of a marriage yet could not. Someone suggested atteneding a CoDependcy group.
As I listened to others stories. I would think, "What is wrong. with them?"
Then it hit me, I needed to change.
Hope all this helps.
You need to do what you can to set an example for yr. children.
Action teaches volumes. However, inaction does too.
Tulsa, please find a few private moments to call the closest women's shelter. They will help you make a plan to leave and be in a safe place where he cannot find you. They will help you find a lawyer, pro bono, who will take your case to be rid of this abuser and his abusive mother.
You don't say how old the kids are but I'm guessing they are adults. They have witnessed this abuse their entire lives and will also need counseling.
Do it now. We are waiting to hear back how you are.
Relationships with the children are important and you can maintain and even enrich them. If money is an issue start with a woman's shelter where they can help you find affordable accommodations. I know its scary but in time you'll find it empowering. No need to divorce just take a physical and mental health break. Time will give you choices along the way.
Your husband chose his mother over you 7 years ago.
As you describe your husband's passiveness and your role of responsibility in the marriage and household, this has been a relationship that is not good for you, and you held on for way too long.
And why are you still taking care of your grown sons? They're still living with you? Even through all this horribly dysfunctional living arrangement? They should be encouraged to create their own independent lives - away from this mess.
I feel for you, but I am disappointed in you hopelessinTulsa. You should never have moved into your MIL's house, and you should not have taken on the role of caregiver, wiping this woman's behind! Your body has been telling you this is wrong! You haven't listened. You just keep doing it, while expecting some kind of sympathy and support from your husband to allow you off the hook.
Your husband has told you exactly where he stands and you need to start taking care of YOU! You will not get his support and you can do this without it!
Unless you want to go down as a martyr to this woman, because this WILL kill you, without any appreciation from anyone, you need to get out now!