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hopelessinTulsa: Amend this dynamic now.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Llamalover47
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Please, leave. This isn't a home, it's a labor camp. Discreetly plan. Do you have a friend that can help organize employment, funds and place to stay? Then "go to the store" and never look back.
Get an appointment with your doctor and tell them you are abused and need help. They should have resources for women advocacy. Possibly even legal option. Your home is inhumane.
You certainly have earned a peaceful heart and contentment.
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Reply to JeanLouise
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Visting the doctor is not a bad idea. He/she can refer you to local resources and services.

After the visit advise husband, "Given my heart attack history and stroke history doctor has advised me I must stop doing MIL's care."

Keep your car in good working order. If it needs new tires etc, get new tires.
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Reply to brandee
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It might be there is a side of you that is unable to move to a different forward outcome. If the advice here, though it may be good, seems overwheming, I understand.

I needed to move out of a marriage yet could not. Someone suggested atteneding a CoDependcy group.
As I listened to others stories. I would think, "What is wrong. with them?"
Then it hit me, I needed to change.

Hope all this helps.
You need to do what you can to set an example for yr. children.
Action teaches volumes. However, inaction does too.
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Reply to EmeraldFriend77
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This is a classic abused woman scenario. It is so easy to look at the situation and wonder, why doesn't she leave? Why does she continue to let herself be abused? The answer is she is frightened and without money or resources. She is being controlled.

Tulsa, please find a few private moments to call the closest women's shelter. They will help you make a plan to leave and be in a safe place where he cannot find you. They will help you find a lawyer, pro bono, who will take your case to be rid of this abuser and his abusive mother.

You don't say how old the kids are but I'm guessing they are adults. They have witnessed this abuse their entire lives and will also need counseling.

Do it now. We are waiting to hear back how you are.
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Reply to LakeErie
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What can you do? Move out.
Relationships with the children are important and you can maintain and even enrich them. If money is an issue start with a woman's shelter where they can help you find affordable accommodations. I know its scary but in time you'll find it empowering. No need to divorce just take a physical and mental health break. Time will give you choices along the way.
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Reply to AnnetteDe
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Easy solution for you: Move back home and take your sons with you. You are not appreciated and are being taken advantage of and it's destroying your health. Let him take care of his mother as it's not fair for you to be treated badly by his mother and him for going the extra miles for them both. Enough is enough.
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Reply to Evonne1954
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Sounds like it's time to leave him. Not 4 days. He likes the status quo. She may have dementia which often makes a person mean. She may not realize she is soiling herself. Some dementia people brain doesn't connect with bodily functions . I bet if you leave for a month, and no communication with him, he will either find a home for her or be charged with neglect. Be sure and stick to your plan.
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Reply to Crystal64
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Your husband will not change or see reason because he has things just as he wants them. Your sons must be adults so the three of you need to leave and get a place of your own. Three incomes should be able to afford something. Stay with relatives for a few weeks if you must but take 50% of the bank account and leave.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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You need to leave for more than 4 days.
Your husband chose his mother over you 7 years ago.
As you describe your husband's passiveness and your role of responsibility in the marriage and household, this has been a relationship that is not good for you, and you held on for way too long.
And why are you still taking care of your grown sons? They're still living with you? Even through all this horribly dysfunctional living arrangement? They should be encouraged to create their own independent lives - away from this mess.
I feel for you, but I am disappointed in you hopelessinTulsa. You should never have moved into your MIL's house, and you should not have taken on the role of caregiver, wiping this woman's behind! Your body has been telling you this is wrong! You haven't listened. You just keep doing it, while expecting some kind of sympathy and support from your husband to allow you off the hook.
Your husband has told you exactly where he stands and you need to start taking care of YOU! You will not get his support and you can do this without it!

Unless you want to go down as a martyr to this woman, because this WILL kill you, without any appreciation from anyone, you need to get out now!
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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I’m so sorry it came to this. Honestly- you should have left him a long time ago but I know it’s never easy and you have 2 children. If he can’t see how special you are then it’s his loss. No one should be treated that way. I hope your boys support and love you the way you deserve. 🩷
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Reply to BurntoutinCT
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