I just need to talk with others that understand my feelings. Me (53 years old), my husband (60 years old) of 35 years and our 2 adult sons uprooted our family in 2018 to move in with his elderly (91 year old now) mother to take care of her so she wasn't put in a nursing home. She is very disrespectful, mean, hateful and manipulative. She has always hated me, which husband knew, but allowed us to move in with her. Even though I have no support from my husband, I'm the one guilted and forced to shower her or clean her butt when she purposely poops in his her pants. The way he allows her to treat us (especially me) and refuses to put his foot down with her is horrible. I begged him to put her in a home because I just couldn't handle the fighting between any longer. The stress got so bad that in 2022 I had a heart attack that almost killed me. The heart doctor even told him to his face that if the stress levels in my life don't drastically change quickly, I will die because my heart is very weak. He didn't care. Nothing changed. Then I had a stroke in my right eye that took my vision he didn't care. Nothing changed. I've begged and begged for help. Because, see I handle everything. I am not just the woman of the house. Unfortunately, I'm the man of the house, too. No matter how big or small the problem is I've always been looked at to handle. His excuses have always been I don't know how or just shrugging his shoulders because he knows I'm going to take care of it or it just won't get fixed. I even left him back in Feb of this year for 4 days. I was trying to get him to realize how he takes me for granted. He lets her treat me and our sons like crap even when we are the ones who take care of her. He will not put his foot down. So I asked him to choose: Your wife of 35 years and your family, or her. He chose her. It hurt me so bad and our sons, too. I don't know what else to do. He doesn't even know I exist unless there's a problem then of course he tells me to solve his own problem without even trying to solve it on his own. No matter what it is. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Have strength and courage. You can do this!
Go to a divorce attorney .
Call friends or family and couch surf if you have to.
You are at the point where you are past required to take care of yourself and extricate yourself from this situation.
You are the only one who can rescue yourself from this.
If you choose not to leave, make sure your will and your affairs are in order.
One route is to tell your hub that you are not caring for her anymore as of 1 week, or 2 weeks from now to give your hub enough time to get home help. Then stop doing it. You have enough health issues to more than justify your position, not that you need to.
Another route is simply to move out as soon as you can find a bed, even a woman's shelter to go to and see a lawyer regarding your rights.
Another option is you could tell your mil that one more hateful word from her and you will never help her again. And that i n any case you are stopping your role as a caregiver s as of ----- (date).
Or maybe some combination of all of these.
I gather your adult sons are living in this arrangement. What is their position? Do they work and bring in income? Can the three of you set up house somewhere else?
You are not helpless here. They are leaning very heavily on you. Once you make a change it is likely that the dynamics of the extended family will change, If you cut off the leg of a three legged stool, it falls over.
Wishing you the best.
Make an appointment with a divorce attorney. Don't let anyone know about it. Take whatever financial information you have with you. You are not initiating a divorce yet, but you need to get professional advice on what your options are and what you can expect in terms of finances, and how to protect yourself.
What are your children doing? Are they in college or working? Do they keep their income or contribute to the household expenses? Would they be want to leave with you and set up a separate household, or stay there so that you would be leaving by yourself?
You do need to leave. Nothing is worth living like this. This is literally killing you. You deserve peace, happiness, and respect. not this kind of abuse and ingratitude. So make a plan for where to go -- with your sons? Family or friends? Inexpensive airbnb? A woman's shelter? You may want to contact a shelter even if you don't stay there, to see if they have counseling and assistance with applying for services as an abused woman leaving your marriage and starting fresh.
Be sure to follow your lawyer's advice on how to handle this financially. You may need to put safeguards on your individual and joint accounts to ensure that your husband doesn't cut of your access, or hide assets.
Be strong. You've handled so much adversity already. You can do this. Keep us posted on what and how you're doing.
Find a safe place to go and be for a while. Do you have a reliable friend, family member or crisis shelter you can turn to? If you dont have transportation find someone to provide it.
Before you leave - Plan how to leave. Do not share your plan. Get the important papers you need before you leave - joint anything (bank statements, mortgage, credit card, etc.). Take the minimum items you need with you.
There are a lot of web resources with step by step guidance for you. Use your smartphone to look them up - not the computer.
Applying for SSDisabilityIncome takes a while. Find a space you can be a while and have an address.
Reach out to social service organizations and get help.
You have to take care of yourself. Your boys may look back one day and think, Mom did that. She really did that and look how much better her life is now. In the middle of things it feels and seems so dang hard. But step by step you will find a way. You really can do this. Life may look very different but remember - Familiar Chaos is worse than Unfamiliar Peace.
If you (with help from your sons) can secure your own half of the marriage finances, and walk out, that will leave him to work out care for his parents. It should stop this situation, and it may be (possible?) for things to change. Unless you take drastic measures, it won’t!
If you (with help from your sons) can secure your own half of the marriage finances, and walk out, that will leave him to work out care for his parents. It should stop this situation, and it may be (possible?) for things to change. Unless you take drastic measures, it won’t!
Remember that you can always go to a Women's Shelter. The staff there can give you one-to-one support and help you to work out what options are best.
They get to decide what they want.
I would encourage them to move out. I can only hope that they learned to treat their spouses with more respect than their dad treats you.
You gave him a choice.
He chose his mother.
Let them live happily ever after together.
Talk to a divorce lawyer
Take care of yourself and your health. Start living YOUR life.
I know I for one would never agree to die so that my 91 year old mean demented MIL could live to 100.
I'm a paid caregiver and I've seen everything from the passive-aggressive and snide remarks being made at caregivers to the outright hostility of cursing people out, hitting, and spitting. This is when I say quit.
Plan your way out carefully. Do not leave unless you have a place to go to. You inconvenienced yourself and your children to take care of a tyrant; so take your time to get your money situation together and if you work, start saving.
Next, stop helping. Get home care on the premises. Of course, she pays for her care. When she starts her shananigans, stop helping. Ignore her. Deal with this woman on your terms. When she starts up, give it back to her in a firm manner, and send your husband in there to finish up the job you started.
Keep your boys away from this woman. If she gets abusive, call 911. Do not accept anymore disrespect and abuse from her.
As for your husband, let him deal with his own problems. When he comes to you with an issue, tell him to handle it himself.
Stop letting these people use you.
What you are dealing with is a classic case of disrespect and being taken for granted. When you get tired of the footprints on your back, stand up.
Notice that I didn’t say that your husband, or MIL must change course because apparently they are okay with how things are.
Follow the wise advice given by the posters on this site to save yourself!
They can get you connected with legal advice.
They will have a social worker who can help you get signed up for SNAP (food stamps) , welfare--until you get a job and help you find housing.
Get a divorce.
Explain to your sons privately you are making a plan. Find a local Women's Shelter who can help you get on your feet, and file for divorce. At 91, his Mother may not live much longer, but the time to get out is NOW. Your sons don't want their Mom dying of a heart attack, do they?
I went through a similar situation (after 20 years of hell) and managed to get out. You feel overwhelmed and defeated. Take the first step, get help in filing for divorce. You invested plenty of your life and will get plenty back.
Get help and make the move. 4 days is not enough. You need to face reality, he will never change...and let him go. You won't miss him (or her), either! Let him wipe his own Mother's behind! You are still young, can get a place with peace, even work part time and enjoy your life away from the stress. Your sons will be proud.
Just take the first step. It's hard and scary as hell. But once the ball starts rolling, things change quickly! These are your best years, trust me. The time you waste with this fool and his Evil Mother, you will never get back. He will have to pay, after so many years of marriage, you will be FINE on your own....YOU ALREADY ARE ON YOUR OWN!
You won't be left suffering. HE WILL. I'm sending the strength you need your way! You got this. You always solve problems, right? This one will be EASY.
So here's what you do. The next time she 'poops' her pants refuse to change her or clean her up. Make her wait for her son or someone else.
I was a homecare worker for 25 years before going into the business of it. I KNOW for a fact that many times clients would 'save' it for certain people like a DIL or daughter, or they'd crap themselves ON PURPOSE so the person they were waiting for (or hated) would have to clean them up. Don't get me wrong, incontinence is real and some people have no control. Other people use the pants pooping and peeing as a power trip over someone.
You do NOTHING for this woman. I mean NOTHING. When she starts mouthing off, tell her to shut the hell up then walk away.
Then have a talk with your husband. Tell him that either she goes into a care facility, or you will be seeing a divorce lawyer. Give him a month. If he does nothing, have him served.
Also, don't be afraid of divorce. After as many years as you've been married, the right divorce lawyer will have your deadbeat husband paying you for the rest of his life. You have to put yourself first for the sake of your own life.
That's a good idea to suggest a legal separation. That way the husband will still be financially responsible for the OP and he'll have to pay her rent, bills, etc... Then if he keeps his mother out of a nursing home and she dies, he inherits her house. If the OP is divorced from him when that happens it can't be considered as part of a divorce settlement. Hopefully the OP gets a sharp attorney will mention future inheritance as part of the settlement.
See a therapist, consult with an attorney and get your financial nest egg started NOW.
Good luck.
I also suggest telling yourself you are being a good role model to your kids by no longer allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. Even if they don’t initially understand, your COURAGE to simply put a stop to this nonsense will help them later in life when they face similar situations.
How many times does he have to show you he doesn't care?
There's absolutely NO way I'd be wiping my husband's mother's butt while HE chills.
That's HIS mother & HIS responsibility. STOP doing it. Tell him to do it or get a caretaker & let that be that. No argument, no big to do...just say what you have to say & let that be it.
Back off & let him figure out how he's going to take care of HIS mother! You have yourself & your kids to worry about!
They are killing you. Don't let them!