I just need to talk with others that understand my feelings. Me (53 years old), my husband (60 years old) of 35 years and our 2 adult sons uprooted our family in 2018 to move in with his elderly (91 year old now) mother to take care of her so she wasn't put in a nursing home. She is very disrespectful, mean, hateful and manipulative. She has always hated me, which husband knew, but allowed us to move in with her. Even though I have no support from my husband, I'm the one guilted and forced to shower her or clean her butt when she purposely poops in his her pants. The way he allows her to treat us (especially me) and refuses to put his foot down with her is horrible. I begged him to put her in a home because I just couldn't handle the fighting between any longer. The stress got so bad that in 2022 I had a heart attack that almost killed me. The heart doctor even told him to his face that if the stress levels in my life don't drastically change quickly, I will die because my heart is very weak. He didn't care. Nothing changed. Then I had a stroke in my right eye that took my vision he didn't care. Nothing changed. I've begged and begged for help. Because, see I handle everything. I am not just the woman of the house. Unfortunately, I'm the man of the house, too. No matter how big or small the problem is I've always been looked at to handle. His excuses have always been I don't know how or just shrugging his shoulders because he knows I'm going to take care of it or it just won't get fixed. I even left him back in Feb of this year for 4 days. I was trying to get him to realize how he takes me for granted. He lets her treat me and our sons like crap even when we are the ones who take care of her. He will not put his foot down. So I asked him to choose: Your wife of 35 years and your family, or her. He chose her. It hurt me so bad and our sons, too. I don't know what else to do. He doesn't even know I exist unless there's a problem then of course he tells me to solve his own problem without even trying to solve it on his own. No matter what it is. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Have strength and courage. You can do this!
Go to a divorce attorney .
Call friends or family and couch surf if you have to.
You are at the point where you are past required to take care of yourself and extricate yourself from this situation.
You are the only one who can rescue yourself from this.
If you choose not to leave, make sure your will and your affairs are in order.
I know I for one would never agree to die so that my 91 year old mean demented MIL could live to 100.
That's a good idea to suggest a legal separation. That way the husband will still be financially responsible for the OP and he'll have to pay her rent, bills, etc... Then if he keeps his mother out of a nursing home and she dies, he inherits her house. If the OP is divorced from him when that happens it can't be considered as part of a divorce settlement. Hopefully the OP gets a sharp attorney will mention future inheritance as part of the settlement.
They can get you connected with legal advice.
They will have a social worker who can help you get signed up for SNAP (food stamps) , welfare--until you get a job and help you find housing.
Get a divorce.
So here's what you do. The next time she 'poops' her pants refuse to change her or clean her up. Make her wait for her son or someone else.
I was a homecare worker for 25 years before going into the business of it. I KNOW for a fact that many times clients would 'save' it for certain people like a DIL or daughter, or they'd crap themselves ON PURPOSE so the person they were waiting for (or hated) would have to clean them up. Don't get me wrong, incontinence is real and some people have no control. Other people use the pants pooping and peeing as a power trip over someone.
You do NOTHING for this woman. I mean NOTHING. When she starts mouthing off, tell her to shut the hell up then walk away.
Then have a talk with your husband. Tell him that either she goes into a care facility, or you will be seeing a divorce lawyer. Give him a month. If he does nothing, have him served.
Also, don't be afraid of divorce. After as many years as you've been married, the right divorce lawyer will have your deadbeat husband paying you for the rest of his life. You have to put yourself first for the sake of your own life.
I also suggest telling yourself you are being a good role model to your kids by no longer allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. Even if they don’t initially understand, your COURAGE to simply put a stop to this nonsense will help them later in life when they face similar situations.