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I just need to talk with others that understand my feelings. Me (53 years old), my husband (60 years old) of 35 years and our 2 adult sons uprooted our family in 2018 to move in with his elderly (91 year old now) mother to take care of her so she wasn't put in a nursing home. She is very disrespectful, mean, hateful and manipulative. She has always hated me, which husband knew, but allowed us to move in with her. Even though I have no support from my husband, I'm the one guilted and forced to shower her or clean her butt when she purposely poops in his her pants. The way he allows her to treat us (especially me) and refuses to put his foot down with her is horrible. I begged him to put her in a home because I just couldn't handle the fighting between any longer. The stress got so bad that in 2022 I had a heart attack that almost killed me. The heart doctor even told him to his face that if the stress levels in my life don't drastically change quickly, I will die because my heart is very weak. He didn't care. Nothing changed. Then I had a stroke in my right eye that took my vision he didn't care. Nothing changed. I've begged and begged for help. Because, see I handle everything. I am not just the woman of the house. Unfortunately, I'm the man of the house, too. No matter how big or small the problem is I've always been looked at to handle. His excuses have always been I don't know how or just shrugging his shoulders because he knows I'm going to take care of it or it just won't get fixed. I even left him back in Feb of this year for 4 days. I was trying to get him to realize how he takes me for granted. He lets her treat me and our sons like crap even when we are the ones who take care of her. He will not put his foot down. So I asked him to choose: Your wife of 35 years and your family, or her. He chose her. It hurt me so bad and our sons, too. I don't know what else to do. He doesn't even know I exist unless there's a problem then of course he tells me to solve his own problem without even trying to solve it on his own. No matter what it is. I just don't know what to do anymore.

See a divorce lawyer who will help you get as much as humanly possible from the heartless sob. Before you die. Please. None of this is worth your life, my friend. I'm so sorry for your miserable husband and his inexcusable choices in life. Start choosing YOURSELF now before it's too late.

Have strength and courage. You can do this!
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to lealonnie1
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He chose her . Leave . Why would you stay there ?
Go to a divorce attorney .
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Reply to waytomisery
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You. NEED. To. Leave.

Call friends or family and couch surf if you have to.

You are at the point where you are past required to take care of yourself and extricate yourself from this situation.

You are the only one who can rescue yourself from this.

If you choose not to leave, make sure your will and your affairs are in order.
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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I want to weep in sympathy for you! I am not normally one to suggest divorce, but reread what you wrote - You had a heart attack at a very young age. He was told the continued stress might kill you. He chose *that* for you when you asked him to make a choice. Please listen to what the others here have suggested for you!
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Reply to Goddatter
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Bulldog54321 Sep 28, 2025
Exactly. He chose for her to die young.

I know I for one would never agree to die so that my 91 year old mean demented MIL could live to 100.
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He chose her. You married a momma’s boy and that’s not a cute clique saying. It’s a really hellish existence if you stay. Sounds like your sons are grown men and encourage them to go live their own lives and adventures far away would be helpful for them. No responsibilities to you or declining grandparents. They don’t owe you or grandparents their lives. Show them the way to not being the next enmeshed generation entrapped by emotionally immature elders. Move on. You left for 4 days?? Pack up and leave for 4 months and get a separate checking account and engage a divorce lawyer to discuss your options. Perhaps legal separation. Live with a friend or rent short term. If you live on some dreadful farm or out in the country, get to a nearby city and get some support and have services around you. You are way past hinting around from what you wrote. He will likely choose his mother and parents and you will be cast out. How long have you known this? You are at a great age, early 50’s. Think about what you could be doing instead of wiping his ungrateful mother’s bum with your time. We all only get so much time and we are responsible for our choices.
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Reply to Beethoven13
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BurntCaregiver Oct 3, 2025
@Beethoven

That's a good idea to suggest a legal separation. That way the husband will still be financially responsible for the OP and he'll have to pay her rent, bills, etc... Then if he keeps his mother out of a nursing home and she dies, he inherits her house. If the OP is divorced from him when that happens it can't be considered as part of a divorce settlement. Hopefully the OP gets a sharp attorney will mention future inheritance as part of the settlement.
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Call your battered womans shelter.

They can get you connected with legal advice.

They will have a social worker who can help you get signed up for SNAP (food stamps) , welfare--until you get a job and help you find housing.

Get a divorce.
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JeanLouise Oct 4, 2025
Excellent advice
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You and I are the same age. You've already had a heart attack and a stroke. What's next? You may not recover from the next health crisis. You and your health has to come first in your life.

So here's what you do. The next time she 'poops' her pants refuse to change her or clean her up. Make her wait for her son or someone else.
I was a homecare worker for 25 years before going into the business of it. I KNOW for a fact that many times clients would 'save' it for certain people like a DIL or daughter, or they'd crap themselves ON PURPOSE so the person they were waiting for (or hated) would have to clean them up. Don't get me wrong, incontinence is real and some people have no control. Other people use the pants pooping and peeing as a power trip over someone.

You do NOTHING for this woman. I mean NOTHING. When she starts mouthing off, tell her to shut the hell up then walk away.

Then have a talk with your husband. Tell him that either she goes into a care facility, or you will be seeing a divorce lawyer. Give him a month. If he does nothing, have him served.

Also, don't be afraid of divorce. After as many years as you've been married, the right divorce lawyer will have your deadbeat husband paying you for the rest of his life. You have to put yourself first for the sake of your own life.
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SID2020 Oct 3, 2025
Fantastic response, yes yes yes
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You have two adult sons who can work. If you don't get Social Security disability, apply for it. Once you're out of the house you may be able to get SSI which is supplemental income. With that comes Medicaid for health. There will be recourses you may be able to get once you are on your own.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Take your name off or cancel all credit cards. Take money and pay off any debt you have. Open your own bank account in another bank. Chase is on line. See a lawyer. Then walk out the front door and don’t look back. Don’t give him any information. Don’t tell him what you are doing. Say nothing. Get it all done and leave. It could be no worse and I think you will find happiness is within your reach. Never look back. Never. Don’t communicate with him at all. He can talk to your lawyer. He can pay for your lawyer. You owe him nothing. Don’t tell anyone or talk about this. Just do it. Own yourself. Leave your stuff. Buy new. Just get out.
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Reply to RetiredBrain
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JeanLouise Oct 4, 2025
Caution canceling credit cards; it will tank her credit rating. She needs this. Squirrel away $$ in her own account in a different bank, get a job and make friends outside this hell. Definitely needs an attorney that has experience with abusive relationships.
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I strongly suggest having a quiet private consultation with a good divorce attorney BEFORE presenting a divorce option to your husband. Otherwise he can freeze you out of joint accounts, a common tactic to keep you from leaving (attorneys insist on retainers and payments, otherwise they won’t take your case). I found this out the hard way. Better to be labeled sneaky than to not even be able to put gas in your car.

I also suggest telling yourself you are being a good role model to your kids by no longer allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. Even if they don’t initially understand, your COURAGE to simply put a stop to this nonsense will help them later in life when they face similar situations.
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Reply to Janna228
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JeanLouise Oct 4, 2025
100% he will make a divorce miserable. She needs a secretive plan and then be gone without warning. He's an abuser in sheep's clothing.
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