First time poster! First off, much love and thanks to all of you. This site has been my refuge so many times as I learn to handle my changed life! I’ll try to be brief, but the situation is complicated. Dad was living with his wife in another state, until both the VA and their ALF contacted me with concerns about their fighting. He had been sent several times to the VA in-patient pysch ward, he believes she did it vindictively, and decided to come live with me. The VA evaluated him as having dementia but able to make decisions and encouraged him to live with me.
During the first month, they fought through phone calls and she would falsely recall what he said. Finally he told her he didn't want to speak with her any more. His wife started leaving 5-6 messages every day with threats so I blocked her phone and told her daughter her mom could call us on a family member's phone if they supervised her. She hasn't done that and Dad hasn't asked to speak with her until today, when she mailed a rambling letter begging him to go back. He seemed okay at first until suddenly he seemed very afraid of being sent back to the psych ward, which he blames her for. (which is partly true, but not the whole story).Then he told me he wanted to call her and accuse her and her daughter of a whole bunch of things that aren't true, just his dementia talking. I slow-walked him by telling him I'd have her DIL help her call us. My question - I know he's going to forget about calling by tomorrow. Is it okay if I just let him forget and not help him call? He can't work a phone by himself, and I'm afraid of the can of worms he'd open by calling.
Do not make the call, it will just upset him.
I know others here may disagree, but I think you also need to scan his mail before giving it to him. It may not be 'legal' but it is to protect him from an unstable influence.
Wishing you all the best moving forward.
Have you thought about the long term?
Is he any % "disabled" according to the VA? If so look into getting as much help as you can and if he qualifies for one of the VA facilities I would get him on a waiting list as soon as possible. You can always decline if they call and ask to be put back on the list.
He will get more and more difficult and with your situation you may have your hands full with your special needs child you don't need to be splitting your energy between the two.
Welcome to the forum. There are wonderful people on this site who have dealt with many issues concerning the elderly.
Take care.
Your dad's wife sounds like she is mentally off-balance too - talk about a can of worms!! And you don't need the added stress. Caregiving is stressful enough.
What a wonderful daughter you are to be taking care of Dad.