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After caring for two uncooperative nonagenarians for the last five years, I truly hope I drop dead from a heart attack for everyone’s sake.
But I probably won’t get that lucky. My husband and I already sold our house in NYC and relocated to the Bay Area and now live in a 725 foot condo so we now live near our only child. I am 69 and my DH is 73. If he predeceases me I plan to go into AL no later than 80, depending on mobility and general health. If my husband’s health fails I will figure out next steps.
i really don’t want my daughter to have to take me in. I want her to live and enjoy her life. I don’t want to be a burden.
HI, I have looked at facilities to enter as an independent living into a studio with 3 meals/day in dining room, activities and shuttle. The lowest cost in Jacksonville, FL is $2500/mo to begin with. This facility has care all the way to memory care. I find it suitable to live out life there when I can no longer work my full-time job. I am just saving what I can until that day arrives, which only God knows. No children by the way.
Saving as much money as I can and staying as healthy as I can. My house is paid for and at the right time, I'll downsize tremendously and move into AL. That is all I can do. We don't know what tomorrow brings, so I can't stress myself unendingly about how to pay for things when I'm 80 because I may not even get there. So I use common sense and spend little and stay healthy. I have made it clear to my nieces (I never had children) that I will absolutely NOT have any of them care for me. I am my mother's caretaker and I will not put this burden on anyone I love.
The nieces and nephews quit visiting after about the first year (and I understand and appreciate that as it is really painful to see my wife like this)— she is 87 and I am 84 (healthy now but never expected to live past 66)— so take care and enjoy every second now. Buena suerte
I originally joined this group when I began dealing with my mom's decline. But this subject is very concerning to me at my age now of 77 and my husband is 79. We have no living children after losing our son in 2014.
My mom was always the "in charge" person. She thankfully made me her legal POA. I remember in 2002 going with her to the attorney, but I didn't give a thought to find out what we were really doing. Had I not had that POA I honestly don't know what I would have done to take care of her after the dementia set in.
Completely ignorant, I learned a step at a time. She had a LTC policy. And let me say it was a battle every.single.month to get them to pay. I had to file a complaint with the State; do battle over the phone with the phone person even denying they had received the file.
Also the memory care facility administrator started trying to get rid of her for reasons I still don't know except she - the administrator had some personality problems or something and was eventually replaced.
I said that to relate that even if we have LTC policy (which we do), someone has to oversee every little thing. And hopefully look out for our well being. In the first place facilities and hired care givers and even medical staff are far from having the patients' well being as the first concern except for a few exceptional people.
As I type this I am every moment risking unscrupulous nieces having access to my goods at my demise or disability because I do not have end of life legal papers in place. They already were named by the state as heirs to my mom's because my brother passed unexpectedly. She had left everything to my brother and me, but nobody thought about him passing since he was younger. Something else I learned.
Mom was in the facility about 2-1/2 years before she passed. In total I payed an attorney almost $10,000 to handle the legalities. I feel like attorney fees are exorbitant and take advantage of laymen. When it costs a minimum of $300 to sit across from an attorney for an hour?! - Give me a break!! I can download a will form and POA from my state website. But ultimately will probably pay the attorney fee to get those in place, hoping his advice will not leave any such unknown or unrecognized as I had come up about my mom's estate.
I apologize for the long post and it going off subject. But maybe my issues will alert someone who may not have thought about some of them.
I want to share an opinion: I do not want to live past age 80 alone. I have anxiety disorder that may kill me, anyway. I lost my recent late girlfriend who passed away from her stress, isolated and heart attack from diabetes.
Married with no kids and no family in our city. We have LTC insurance, no debt, quite a bit in savings, and some real estate to sell. We will move to either the PNW to be near my family or to the UK to be near my husbands. We’re not sure yet, but we will need some family close by. We have carefully done our estate planning, but there is no way to plan for everything. If we leave the US all the money we’ve paid for LTC will have been a waste. Wherever we go we will have to pay for caregivers, but the way things are going it’s doubtful there will be enough to care for all who need it.
I'm 73 (this month) and expect to be a widow alone (hubby is 94 with dementia). I have no children and the planning is a bit treacherous until that time when I am alone. So far I have: 1. Purchased LTC insurance when I turned 50 and continue to pay the premiums -- I have made my DPOA (a woman 10 years my junior) "administrator" on that insurance, so she can step in and make use of it on my behalf. 2. Begun building my "Red Notebook" with the help of a work-book called, Sorry It's Your Problem Now, Because I'm Dead: End of Life Planner that Includes A Complete Record of My Accounts, Heirlooms and More. 3. Designated my DPOA, my Health Proxy & Executor. 4. Completed a will & and advanced directive (which in my state can be converted to a POLST when needed). 5. Begun cleaning out my belongings and hope to whittle down to a studio apartment level of belongings within a year of hubby's demise. 6. Pre-paid for my cremation (and his). 7. Arranged for our burial (both urns in the same grave) and finally 8. Selected specific belongings I want to go to individuals and begun giving them as gifts NOW. So far, that's it. I'm also working on ways to make my "final exit" as my state has only begun the legislative discussions about dignified life-ending assistance.
I think the best thing to do is devise a plan with a lot of "what-ifs." I am working on (and touring ) a list of retirement homes or nursing homes I could afford, sources for care giving options, finding a person(s) who is line to help make decisions when I can't, making a financial plan. I'm setting this up as if I was doing this for someone else.
Unlike some neighbors I’ve seen, who’ve retired early and have either had to move in with family because their marriage broke apart or they just didn’t plan right so they actually “got lucky” and died, I’m continuing and will continue to work, as long as I can hold onto my job and work on other streams of income, if I can. I’ve built a list of ideas, for myself, to hopefully make money. It was also why I fought for my inheritance so, if I have to sell the mortgage free house I inherited, I have that. I’ve long understood we were in a downward trend, whomever is in office. This, however, is a hallmark year, with what I see people going through, to try to remain fed and sheltered. I’m also a bit of a prepper so, I have 1 year of food stored up. My employer offers free long term care, but with things the way they are, what that will exactly look like, should I need it, I don’t know. Still, I have low expectations. No one knows what other changes will come, whether it’s economic, health, or how long they’ll live. It can be painful to watch, however. Even if the neighbors I had, had probably been a more prepared, it probably still wouldn’t have been enough. It is difficult because, I am just entering my senior years, as I’m days away, from turning 60. I’ve had neighbors and their families look to me for eldercare, in part, due to prejudicial reasons and not caring, if I worked 2 full time jobs. One neighbor was likely aiming for me to BE her entire financial, housing, and blessing care plan, as her family wanted nothing to do with her. For someone who doesn’t have, the math is easy. You just divide up your resources in half, they’re taken care of, you ruin your health caring for them and, when they die, you’ve got nothing. So, there are no good answers.
Hopefully you have replied NO to the neighbor who wanted to use you as her care planning, housing and financial aid. The saying goes: Sorry, but lack of planning on your part does not mean a crisis on my part. You need all your resources for you.
My older sister (66) is single and never had kids. She worries about this constantly, as we are both taking care of our mother now. She has an extremely close relationship with all of my children, so I’m confident they will not let her be neglected if I should go before her. Especially my oldest and his wife, she has made them secondary after me. They have agreed to be MPOA for her.
No kids, no burdens to kids. Don’t count on anyone’s or your children or grandchildren, or other family, for your care. Unfortunately, kids and grandkids all have to work for their own welfare to fund their future care. Everyone is outliving their money and health, thanks to advanced medical care.
I have recently installed grab bars in my two bathrooms!
Unless folks have at least $3 million to $5 million, or a combination of assets and livable income for home care/facility, you life goes down the tubes to obtain the exorbitant costs of care will that wipe you out. Sure, there’s Medicaid, but don’t be so sure anymore with federal government problems today.
Unfortunately, CCRC is not an option for me due to high costs in CA, in fact, everywhere. I have only a fixed income on SSA, making moving or relocation impossible unless an emergency. My remote siblings do not encourage me to sell all of my assets until further notice.
Being I have no local family in CA, I will live independently where I am, stay in touch remotely and hope for the best as long as possible. When assisted living is necessary, I may count on stepfamily who lives in OR. The alternative is with my area county on aging care. So unfortunately, foster care split us siblings apart permanently.
I was never able to look into long term care coverage due to costs and my late mother's situation of caring for her, plus past unemployment.
My health is not so good at 69 anymore, so health care and safety for myself is vital to stay in my condo. Hope no emergency or evacuation becomes necessary. With prayers and luck, I am enjoying life with fun, volunteering and some friends.
I do not want to end up in any LTC facility. I can't be sure that won't happen, but I am doing what I can to avoid it.
I have not only the routine paperwork completed, but I created a binder with all kinds of information such as contacts, care providers, useful instructions, and personal preferences (e.g music, toiletries, food).
I would like to create a formal "care circle" (neighbors who serve as advocates for each other), but to date I have only a very informal network.
See --> https://www.ic.org/directory/delray-caring-community/
Finally, I am prepared to "exit" should I be diagnosed with a significantly debilitating or painful incurable illness.
I understand the care circle idea. In my neighborhood we tried such informally. It was overwhelming when a few who should have lived with family instead used the care circle more extensively. Burnout among those who gave but luckily did not need to receive.
No kids and husband in very poor health (home hospice in near future) but fortunate to have great medical. Small pension, own home and plannED on selling, using RMD & SS to move to senior community but if WE lose SS I will have to age in place. Cannot stand few of my neighbors, older than me and NO extended family that have no sense of personal or community security,
I have partial LTC.
My plan is to hopefully return to work “after” am considering a room mate but that is the way to lose a friend. But I want to be busy and save up money to buy a car.
Married for 30+ years and good relationship with stepkids and their kids but once husband dies I think those ties will fade so making plans that don’t include them.
Wishing all of us that are aging health, sanity and a safe place.
Took care of my mom who had dementia & Type 2 diabetes and ended up placing her in residential care home. So don’t want to be that burden to anyone.
I'm 69, widowed this past September, and am following through on a plan I formulated many years ago -- I'm looking at "Lifeplan Communities" (formerly known at Continuing Care Retirement Communities).
After caring for my mil in my home, my mother long distance (while dealing with my own disabled husband), and then trying to make sure dad was okay after mom passed, I decided I did not want my children having to worry about me or feel responsible for me. I wanted them to have their own lives, especially when they reach retirement years themselves.
My son, who moved in here in 2018 and was a great help with his dad, says he doesn't understand why I would want to go live with old people. (Nice to know I'm not an old person to him, lol.) And my response is that he had to help his father on and off the toilet, I really don't want him having to do that for me.
So far, the communities I've looked at are very nice -- but almost too nice for me. It is not a lifestyle I am accustomed to. So I will continue to look and hopefully find something a little more middle class.
I see you are from PA not far from me. We have these “LifeCare” or “SmartLife” retirement homes all over the area and they are amazing! If you have a great monthly income and investments to buy into these places. I’ve been interviewing myself as my husband is terminal in Skilled Nursing. It’s an eye-opener for sure. I’m 71. I would never, ever put my sons in a position where they feel they must take me in! I’d rather die! Think of their spouses, too. I think their wives would be livid since their moms are widowed and taking care of themselves. It’s terrible for people to demand it and even worse to have planned for a family so they are “taken care of” in old age and put a guilt trip on their adult children to step up to the plate! I was a caregiver to my ailing spouse due to early onset dementia and it was breaking me physically & mentally. No way could I take a parent in on top of this unexpected turn in our lives!
Right now I'm considering a not-for-profit continuing-care retirement community (aka "Life Plan Community") in a nearby city. I'm 74, childless and single, finally retired after long professional career and years of caregiving for mother and (later) brother. I live alone in the mountains 35 miles from a small city. After a lifetime of sturdy good health that I took for granted, I was hit with myeloma. Good news: I'm surviving. Bad news: I'm weaker than I expected to be at this age. Loving stepdaughter offers help, but I won't have her "sandwiched" between her own family and a frail elder. Been there. The pluses: An accessible one-level home with no mortgage. Old but good vehicle. Adequate retirement income and good health insurance. Some savings in case the myeloma comes roaring back requiring hellishly pricy drugs. The minuses: Deferred maintenance needed for 50-yr-old home, which must be sold to qualify for the continuing-care community. Lack of energy to "Take Care of Business." (I used to be so good at this stuff!)
While I understand you are trying to avoid having her be "sandwiched" if she has offered, please find something she can do to help you that she can do at her convenience. Otherwise, she may feel helpless if there is something she knows could help with but not allowed. Since you consider her a loving step-daughter, her love language may be "acts of service" which would be her way of expressing that love. As long as you consciously keep your guard up to not depend on her, she should not feel sandwiched.
My spouse and I are in our 60s, finally able theoretically to think about traveling or doing what we want, except that we spend an inordinate amount of time dealing with the needs of three people in their 80s. In each case their selfishness/inability to recognize limitations contributes to their current predicaments and we are determined not to repeat that.
We have given ourselves 10 more years in our current house, then off we go to senior living. We have no kids. I've also told nieces and nephews that if they're ever in a position to make decisions for us, whatever they decide is right -- regardless of what cranky old me may say later on!
We also are having to look at a much more bleak scenario, if our elders have their LTC Medicaid and/or Social Security taken away. If that happens, the financial impact on us will devastate our own retirement plans. Then I guess it's back to work for as long as we can manage. This is not a political statement, just the type of contingency planning we now need to do.
A bleak, scary situation for me (late 60’s) and many others too…no SS and goodbye to Medicare.. Good luck contingency planning. I read an AARP article about annuities but not sure if they wrote that before our economy, stock market and tariff unknowns hit the fan.
Elizabeth: Regarding the Swiss plan, I'm assuming that people know this but maybe not everyone: there are certain states in US that do have programs for "assisted dying" (that's probably not the official name). I don't know which states there are which offer this option but this info should be readily available. I believe that in one such state, if you have medical confirmation that you have 6 months or less to live (because of cancer, for example), you can enroll in such a program.
See Compassion & Choices for detailed info: https://compassionandchoices.org/states-where-medical-aid-in-dying-is-authorized/. Most states that permit MAiD have a residency requirement too.
make sure your digitize accounts numbers and passwords are an addendum to you will and also make sure your POA has access to them. I had a client who was totally inconsolable while doing her taxes because we needed to download her tax information from her bank and she couldn't remember her logon and password. I thought we were going to need to call 911 she had worked herself up into such anxiety state with shortness of breath. She did go home and got her password book but there was a glitch regarding 2 step authentication. Please know we are living in a world where we have digital footprints to just about everything we do from phone calling to banking, shopping and more. Just take a deep breath and plan your digital footprint's accessibility for your POA and executors.
I am a single 69 yo male in good health. I have no children. My mother is 87 and she has lived with me since 2019 when my stepfather of 30+ years went into memory care. Luckily, so far, she has no cognitive issues. I'm learning a lot with her, especially since she has been in the hospital 6 times in the last 14 months. I have been self employed for over 35 years, and I work mostly from home. I could never afford long term health insurance. Some of the things that I have done for Mom that should help me in the future is that in her bathroom I have railings and a walk-in tub (getting her to bathe is another story in itself), and I have a large walk-in shower in my bathroom. I also have a stair-lift since bedrooms are upstairs. I also have someone that comes by for an hour ever day and changes her and makes sure that she is clean. That in itself has helped a lot and I'm sure that I will one day need to do that for myself. If I ever get incapacitated, I will just have to wing it and hope for the best.
My husband and I are 52 and 53, and have seen a lot in recent years between the aging of his grandparents and my parents. His grandparents lived to be in late 90s and his grandmother on one side just passed away at 100 years of age. I’ve seen it all from having well funded retirement and adequate funds for care to my mother, Not quite qualified for Medicaid, but very little in savings and living on Social Security. One thing is clear I want to spare my kids as much pain as possible. I am also in the situation myself of being the only child to deal with my mother, 77, who has a long history of mental illness, etc.
our kids are currently 21 and 24 years old. Our son, the oldest, also happens to have autism spectrum disorder that is very mild, but I think will inhibit his ability to do much hands-on care. He is brilliantly, smart, responsible with money, etc. He has a keen understanding of policies and rules and finances, even at his current age. So we will probably leave him as our DPOA. Our daughter seems more willing to do hands-on, but she has a lot of career aspirations that could take her far from home. I don’t count on her to be hands-on.
I am determined that we will set aside some sort of funding for our care. I’ve been reading a lot about long-term care, annuities. I don’t have much faith in long-term care insurance, both in our ability to qualify and in the ease of using them. The kids have been around their great grandparents quite a lot at the local assisted living facilities. I keep telling them that we will just be willing to go to one of those when it is time. And even at that, there is still so much that still needs to be done for the elder. Taking to appointments, managing their bills, buying their clothing, etc. I already feel badly for our kids who will eventually be in this position with us. I’m just going to try and make it as easy as possible. After my husband retires and has some time, we also plan to really do a clean out of our house.
We have told our kids to drop us off at the VA since we are both veterans! That is our snarky, wiseacre response and also a real option.
Until that is a necessity, we are focused on living well AND having things set up to make life easier. Most bills are autopay. We plan on adding a ramp to the side of the house and double doors to help with mobility issues (my knees have arthritis). We already have wills in place that divvy up our belongings. Not quite ready to make out POAs yet since our girls need to grow-up a little more. Definitely not candidates for DNRs - which can be decided on when needed at hospitals should the need arise.
This was a very informative posting and I have read every answer. I would suggest many readers re-read the posting by Fawnby regarding the LTC policy experience (especially if you are fairly early on in the aging spectrum). There is a lot of truth in Fawnby's example of building CDs, etc. to self-fund/manage your care expenses. (I am doing it now for 93 yro mother, with funds from the sale of her home. It does take time and effort to manage this, but it also allows me to forcast expenses over the next 7-10 years and adjust spending accordingly.) Good luck to all!
Swap out my two 35 year old toilets with the ADA toilets (taller) in my house.
Install a grab bar in walk in shower. (I have wood framing in the wall beneath the tile to mount it to.) When I re-tiled I wasn't ready to install the grab bar but the contractor put in extra wood beneath the tile for future grab bar install.
I just hired a personal trainer to work on building muscle 3x per week, 30 minutes.
Buy a lazyboy chair.
Install a railing along the wall of my garage to help with the two steps into the house.
My husband and I will turn 60 this year. We have one grown son but he is NOT part of any caregiver scenario and never will be other than DPOA and health care proxy if the other of us is dead. NO hands-on care from him.
Consolidated finances, saving, updated legal doc, ensuring everything is clear and accessible, all bills on autopay — yes to all that. Regular discussions with husband around what each of us would want if we become incapacitated in various ways.
Two things I hope I can do:
“Swedish death cleaning” or letting go of possessions at the right time in phases as I age. I will have a massive amount of my mom’s possessions to deal with when she dies.
Moving to continuum of care BEFORE any crisis occurs. I pray I don’t lose the ability to perceive that I am no longer living in a healthy or sane way. Or at least that I realize the risk is upon me and that I act before it comes to pass.
I guess the trick is to determine when that time has come.
I have a dear friend who has tattooed across her chest DNR. I wonder if it will help.
My husband and I are both 55, no kids. We are socking away money for the eventuality of memory care. If dementia never comes to pass, then our sisters and our neices and nephews will inherit that money. And I hope they save it for their own elder care. I have had frank talks with my sister about how I don't want to live with her or the kids. I want to be put in a facility. I also bought "What to do now that I'm dead" books from Amazon. I need to fill in all the information. And we still need to do wills and power of attorney documents. It's never too soon, but it's definitely too late if you are cognitively impaired. I want to put it in writing that if my husband is dead, my sister will be my POA, then my nephews. I don't want them to have any trouble writing checks from my accounts if I am impaired and my husband is gone. We still need to do these things. Maybe I should go ahead and put a date on our calendar. "See attorney." I shouldn't put it off.
For me personally. My dad died of prostate cancer when I was only four. My mom was a breast cancer survivor. But I've chosen to not let that put fear in my heart that I will now get cancer. So far I've been good and none of my 6 siblings have had it.
I'm trying to practice mindfulness. All I have is now. What happens tomorrow happens tomorrow. Live each day and all that jazz.
AlvadDeer -- I have had two breast cancers as well and am BRCA 2 positive. And still enjoying life at 65, with every intention of doing so for another 20 years if I can. You absolutely owe it to your children to let them know if they should get tested themselves, it is UP TO THEM to decide if they want to know or not. If they are positive, it will alter the way they are surveilled or not, and could impact their treatment options.
I guess as caregivers and former caregivers we have seen first hand what the ravages of old age look like. But I wonder about people who never have and never will be caregivers. Do you think they are wearing rose colored glasses about old age and what it's inevitably going to look like? Are we better off knowing? or would it be better to just be ignorant of what the future could possibly look like.
It's like that old question. If you could take a test to find out if you are going to get Alzheimer's would you take it? Or would you rather not know so you could at least spend your last cognizant years not living in dread?
You know, Gershun, with my latest bout of breast cancer (number two) free genetic testing was offered to me. As in "don't you want to let your family know if they are prone to breast cancer, which mean they are ALSO prone to uterine which would mean ALSO prostate for the boys and etc.
In my first bout age 47 I was already asked this, and at that time I had no grandchildren (have now one grandson 25) and my daughters young, as in VERY. Now my daughters are pushing 60 and 63. ALREADY did their testing (no gene) to which I was told "can skip a generation".
My choice? No. I have a grandson now 25. WHY should I have to go to tell him "You KNOW, I have this gene so you might get prostate cancer. REALLY? ANY man might get prostate cancer, and if he lives LONG enough he's almost certain to. I will not be having other grandchildren. I made the best decision for my own head and with the knowledge of my three concerned people. And on I go.
We do the best with these questions, weighing them as we move forward. On we go.
I am on my own; however, I have an excellent pension (defined benefit plan). I also try to consistently live below my means (with dignity) and save money as I can.. Eventually, I plan to sell my home, and use the proceeds to top up my monthly income, as needed, to enter a retirement home. Hopefully, it will be enough.
If I had children, I would not expect—or even want them—to be caregivers. I have just emerged from a 10-year marathon of caregiving to an aging parent.
I’m thankful that it ended, and never want to do it again.
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But I probably won’t get that lucky. My husband and I already sold our house in NYC and relocated to the Bay Area and now live in a 725 foot condo so we now live near our only child. I am 69 and my DH is 73. If he predeceases me I plan to go into AL no later than 80, depending on mobility and general health. If my husband’s health fails I will figure out next steps.
i really don’t want my daughter to have to take me in. I want her to live and enjoy her life. I don’t want to be a burden.
I have looked at facilities to enter as an independent living into a studio with 3 meals/day in dining room, activities and shuttle. The lowest cost in Jacksonville, FL is $2500/mo to begin with. This facility has care all the way to memory care. I find it suitable to live out life there when I can no longer work my full-time job. I am just saving what I can until that day arrives, which only God knows. No children by the way.
My mom was always the "in charge" person. She thankfully made me her legal POA. I remember in 2002 going with her to the attorney, but I didn't give a thought to find out what we were really doing. Had I not had that POA I honestly don't know what I would have done to take care of her after the dementia set in.
Completely ignorant, I learned a step at a time. She had a LTC policy. And let me say it was a battle every.single.month to get them to pay. I had to file a complaint with the State; do battle over the phone with the phone person even denying they had received the file.
Also the memory care facility administrator started trying to get rid of her for reasons I still don't know except she - the administrator had some personality problems or something and was eventually replaced.
I said that to relate that even if we have LTC policy (which we do), someone has to oversee every little thing. And hopefully look out for our well being. In the first place facilities and hired care givers and even medical staff are far from having the patients' well being as the first concern except for a few exceptional people.
As I type this I am every moment risking unscrupulous nieces having access to my goods at my demise or disability because I do not have end of life legal papers in place. They already were named by the state as heirs to my mom's because my brother passed unexpectedly. She had left everything to my brother and me, but nobody thought about him passing since he was younger. Something else I learned.
Mom was in the facility about 2-1/2 years before she passed. In total I payed an attorney almost $10,000 to handle the legalities. I feel like attorney fees are exorbitant and take advantage of laymen. When it costs a minimum of $300 to sit across from an attorney for an hour?! - Give me a break!!
I can download a will form and POA from my state website. But ultimately will probably pay the attorney fee to get those in place, hoping his advice will not leave any such unknown or unrecognized as I had come up about my mom's estate.
I apologize for the long post and it going off subject. But maybe my issues will alert someone who may not have thought about some of them.
so heartbreaking.
You need all your resources for you.
Unless folks have at least $3 million to $5 million, or a combination of assets and livable income for home care/facility, you life goes down the tubes to obtain the exorbitant costs of care will that wipe you out. Sure, there’s Medicaid, but don’t be so sure anymore with federal government problems today.
Unfortunately, CCRC is not an option for me due to high costs in CA, in fact, everywhere. I have only a fixed income on SSA, making moving or relocation impossible unless an emergency. My remote siblings do not encourage me to sell all of my assets until further notice.
Being I have no local family in CA, I will live independently where I am, stay in touch remotely and hope for the best as long as possible. When assisted living is necessary, I may count on stepfamily who lives in OR. The alternative is with my area county on aging care. So unfortunately, foster care split us siblings apart permanently.
I was never able to look into long term care coverage due to costs and my late mother's situation of caring for her, plus past unemployment.
My health is not so good at 69 anymore, so health care and safety for myself is vital to stay in my condo. Hope no emergency or evacuation becomes necessary. With prayers and luck, I am enjoying life with fun, volunteering and some friends.
I do not want to end up in any LTC facility. I can't be sure that won't happen, but I am doing what I can to avoid it.
I have not only the routine paperwork completed, but I created a binder with all kinds of information such as contacts, care providers, useful instructions, and personal preferences (e.g music, toiletries, food).
I would like to create a formal "care circle" (neighbors who serve as advocates for each other), but to date I have only a very informal network.
See --> https://www.ic.org/directory/delray-caring-community/
Finally, I am prepared to "exit" should I be diagnosed with a significantly debilitating or painful incurable illness.
I have partial LTC.
My plan is to hopefully return to work “after” am considering a room mate but that is the way to lose a friend. But I want to be busy and save up money to buy a car.
Married for 30+ years and good relationship with stepkids and their kids but once husband dies I think those ties will fade so making plans that don’t include them.
Wishing all of us that are aging health, sanity and a safe place.
Took care of my mom who had dementia & Type 2 diabetes and ended up placing her in residential care home. So don’t want to be that burden to anyone.
After caring for my mil in my home, my mother long distance (while dealing with my own disabled husband), and then trying to make sure dad was okay after mom passed, I decided I did not want my children having to worry about me or feel responsible for me. I wanted them to have their own lives, especially when they reach retirement years themselves.
My son, who moved in here in 2018 and was a great help with his dad, says he doesn't understand why I would want to go live with old people. (Nice to know I'm not an old person to him, lol.) And my response is that he had to help his father on and off the toilet, I really don't want him having to do that for me.
So far, the communities I've looked at are very nice -- but almost too nice for me. It is not a lifestyle I am accustomed to. So I will continue to look and hopefully find something a little more middle class.
I would never, ever put my sons in a position where they feel they must take me in! I’d rather die! Think of their spouses, too. I think their wives would be livid since their moms are widowed and taking care of themselves. It’s terrible for people to demand it and even worse to have planned for a family so they are “taken care of” in old age and put a guilt trip on their adult children to step up to the plate! I was a caregiver to my ailing spouse due to early onset dementia and it was breaking me physically & mentally. No way could I take a parent in on top of this unexpected turn in our lives!
The pluses: An accessible one-level home with no mortgage. Old but good vehicle. Adequate retirement income and good health insurance. Some savings in case the myeloma comes roaring back requiring hellishly pricy drugs.
The minuses: Deferred maintenance needed for 50-yr-old home, which must be sold to qualify for the continuing-care community. Lack of energy to "Take Care of Business." (I used to be so good at this stuff!)
We have given ourselves 10 more years in our current house, then off we go to senior living. We have no kids. I've also told nieces and nephews that if they're ever in a position to make decisions for us, whatever they decide is right -- regardless of what cranky old me may say later on!
We also are having to look at a much more bleak scenario, if our elders have their LTC Medicaid and/or Social Security taken away. If that happens, the financial impact on us will devastate our own retirement plans. Then I guess it's back to work for as long as we can manage. This is not a political statement, just the type of contingency planning we now need to do.
Good luck contingency planning. I read an AARP article about annuities but not sure if they wrote that before our economy, stock market and tariff unknowns hit the fan.
We also donate stuff from our house at least once a week to a charity.
I had a client who was totally inconsolable while doing her taxes because we needed to download her tax information from her bank and she couldn't remember her logon and password. I thought we were going to need to call 911 she had worked herself up into such anxiety state with shortness of breath. She did go home and got her password book but there was a glitch regarding 2 step authentication.
Please know we are living in a world where we have digital footprints to just about everything we do from phone calling to banking, shopping and more.
Just take a deep breath and plan your digital footprint's accessibility for your POA and executors.
our kids are currently 21 and 24 years old. Our son, the oldest, also happens to have autism spectrum disorder that is very mild, but I think will inhibit his ability to do much hands-on care. He is brilliantly, smart, responsible with money, etc. He has a keen understanding of policies and rules and finances, even at his current age. So we will probably leave him as our DPOA. Our daughter seems more willing to do hands-on, but she has a lot of career aspirations that could take her far from home. I don’t count on her to be hands-on.
I am determined that we will set aside some sort of funding for our care. I’ve been reading a lot about long-term care, annuities. I don’t have much faith in long-term care insurance, both in our ability to qualify and in the ease of using them. The kids have been around their great grandparents quite a lot at the local assisted living facilities. I keep telling them that we will just be willing to go to one of those when it is time. And even at that, there is still so much that still needs to be done for the elder. Taking to appointments, managing their bills, buying their clothing, etc. I already feel badly for our kids who will eventually be in this position with us. I’m just going to try and make it as easy as possible. After my husband retires and has some time, we also plan to really do a clean out of our house.
Until that is a necessity, we are focused on living well AND having things set up to make life easier. Most bills are autopay. We plan on adding a ramp to the side of the house and double doors to help with mobility issues (my knees have arthritis). We already have wills in place that divvy up our belongings. Not quite ready to make out POAs yet since our girls need to grow-up a little more. Definitely not candidates for DNRs - which can be decided on when needed at hospitals should the need arise.
Swap out my two 35 year old toilets with the ADA toilets (taller) in my house.
Install a grab bar in walk in shower. (I have wood framing in the wall beneath the tile to mount it to.) When I re-tiled I wasn't ready to install the grab bar but the contractor put in extra wood beneath the tile for future grab bar install.
I just hired a personal trainer to work on building muscle 3x per week, 30 minutes.
Buy a lazyboy chair.
Install a railing along the wall of my garage to help with the two steps into the house.
Consolidated finances, saving, updated legal doc, ensuring everything is clear and accessible, all bills on autopay — yes to all that. Regular discussions with husband around what each of us would want if we become incapacitated in various ways.
Two things I hope I can do:
“Swedish death cleaning” or letting go of possessions at the right time in phases as I age. I will have a massive amount of my mom’s possessions to deal with when she dies.
Moving to continuum of care BEFORE any crisis occurs. I pray I don’t lose the ability to perceive that I am no longer living in a healthy or sane way. Or at least that I realize the risk is upon me and that I act before it comes to pass.
I guess the trick is to determine when that time has come.
I have a dear friend who has tattooed across her chest DNR. I wonder if it will help.
I also bought "What to do now that I'm dead" books from Amazon. I need to fill in all the information. And we still need to do wills and power of attorney documents. It's never too soon, but it's definitely too late if you are cognitively impaired. I want to put it in writing that if my husband is dead, my sister will be my POA, then my nephews. I don't want them to have any trouble writing checks from my accounts if I am impaired and my husband is gone. We still need to do these things. Maybe I should go ahead and put a date on our calendar. "See attorney." I shouldn't put it off.
For me personally. My dad died of prostate cancer when I was only four.
My mom was a breast cancer survivor. But I've chosen to not let that
put fear in my heart that I will now get cancer. So far I've been good and none
of my 6 siblings have had it.
I'm trying to practice mindfulness. All I have is now. What happens tomorrow happens tomorrow. Live each day and all that jazz.
It's like that old question. If you could take a test to find out if you are going to get Alzheimer's would you take it? Or would you rather not know so you could at least spend your last cognizant years not living in dread?
Just wondering.
In my first bout age 47 I was already asked this, and at that time I had no grandchildren (have now one grandson 25) and my daughters young, as in VERY. Now my daughters are pushing 60 and 63. ALREADY did their testing (no gene) to which I was told "can skip a generation".
My choice? No. I have a grandson now 25. WHY should I have to go to tell him "You KNOW, I have this gene so you might get prostate cancer. REALLY? ANY man might get prostate cancer, and if he lives LONG enough he's almost certain to. I will not be having other grandchildren. I made the best decision for my own head and with the knowledge of my three concerned people. And on I go.
We do the best with these questions, weighing them as we move forward. On we go.
If I had children, I would not expect—or even want them—to be caregivers. I have just emerged from a 10-year marathon of caregiving to an aging parent.
I’m thankful that it ended, and never want to do it again.