What are we supposed to DO so we don't put our kids through this terrible task of caregiving?

Care for your body, brain and social/emotional wellbeing. Eat well. Walk. Lift weights. Go to the Dr and follow her advice. Save money. Save LOTS of money!

Then, work with your family to decide, jointly, what the best course of action is for you.

My grandparents stayed in their homes until their deaths in their late 80s and early 90s. I saw my parents working alongside my aunts and uncles to share the responsibilities. Now, I care for my mom. It is a life changing experience. It is hard. I give up a lot. But, it not a burden for me. It is a sacrifice I am willing to make and learn and grow from daily.

Also, it costs $5-6k/month for a high quality cotinuum of care facility. That would be $250,000 my mom would have spent in the last 5 years of me supporting her. And, at almost 90, she's still healthy and doing well - with help. I support her, and she is still a support to me.

Perhaps the real question is: how do I ensure I am a person my child wants to care for in my old age?

I am 65 and my DH is 69. He just had a pacemaker put in last Friday. We've been married 40 years and never had children. (I had a tubal ligation at age 23 the year before I met him.) We have a living trust and living wills, etc in place. Our 2 nieces on his side have DPOA and will inherit our estate. I have 2 younger brothers but we are estranged due to the torturous caregiving journey of our toxic parents that was totally dumped in my lap. In fact, I am the trustee/administrator of father's estate and will wrap that up next month on the one year anniversary of his death.
Even if I had had kids, I would never put them through what my raging narcissist father put me through. I am already researching CCRC/Life care communities in Florida. DH and I saved up our whole lives for a secure retirement. We applied for LTC insurance in our 40's. He was approved, I was not due to my VA disability for PTSD. As soon as we feel we can't maintain the upkeep of our house or something else happens, we will sell it. Right now we are concentrating on the health issues the past few years have caused, but my next project/goal is to de-clutter and get organized while I'm still physically able. Caregiving was overwhelming and I'm still recovering. The best years of my retirement were stolen from me. I'm trying to move past all the anger but I'm not there yet.

I wrote a letter to my future self. Seeing a lot of elders around me not listen to sound advice, I thought maybe I would listen to myself. Make it personal, tell yourself what is best for you. I do not have kids, so I expect to live in ALF when needed. In my letter I remind myself that when I start to get forgetful or mobility impaired I need to look for a good ALF. Get LTC insurance, if you can afford it. Since I see some elders ignore their hygiene, my letter also reminds me of the joy and health benefits of a daily shower......I do not want to be that person!

I plan to do everything my mother will not do - first move to assisted living when i am not capable of handling the yard and cooking. I will not be proud and deceive myself. My house is not my identity or my memories. I have issues my mother has with legs and back, so i will address them and not just sit still. I will walk and move.
I have told my children" when you see me ______( see above)have the talk right away with me so i can decide with you what i should do."
Pre-plan. Have written wishes and arrangement with the children. Look up resources now and have them in a notebook.

Not everyone hates caregiving. I loved caring for my parents and miss them dearly. It was not easy, but I would do it all again. They didn’t guilt me into the job — but they were grateful when I stepped up to the challenge. They never made me feel that it was some kind of payback, but I will be eternally grateful for their raising me and was glad to help them too.

The answer to your question about your own care is easy: move into a full-range care facility if you grow elderly and need the beginnings of assistance. When you require a higher level of care, you will be automatically moved in-house in accordance with your care needs. Your kids can be as involved as much or as little as they want.

As for your current healthcare issues, most will agree that taking care of elderly parents is extremely stressful. Have you considered inquiring about antidepressants? If you are having difficulty sleeping or coping, this could give you your life back.

There was a couple in their 70s that went on a camping trip last year - to one of the most remote bushland national parks in my state. Not seen since. Very strange. Made me wonder if that was their 'plan'.

My DH says he wants to visit a volcano & slip in. Very practical. Can you imagine a tour guide assisting an old man with a walker up to the rim? 🤣🤣🤣

Plenty of advice in getting legal paperwork and finances set up and making all your medical and residential preferences known. All should be set up legally and be discussed with your children, if you have any. For those without children, all the legal paperwork can still be done, you just need to appoint someone else to be the POA to manage everything when you no longer can. It would be best to have a secondary person appointed as well, just in case. It wouldn't hurt to appoint someone who can perhaps oversee things, to be sure your wishes are being followed and proper financial and medical decisions are being made by the POA. Too many stories on here about POAs (mainly family, but non-family POAs can take advantage too) who have mishandled and stolen from their "charge."

Also, setting up a pre-need burial/cremation plan is advised as well. It saves time and expedites everything.

For those with children, make it clear to them how difficult this journey has been for you and that you do NOT want them to have to struggle with this. No matter how old they are, there are difficulties in every age bracket when it comes down to 24/7 care. Younger adults may have growing families and careers. Later adults may be empty-nested, but still have to ensure they get their last years in to ensure maximum retirement benefits for their own potential needs. Retired adults often have their own medical issues to deal with.

Imho, prepare your own selves for aging forward, e.g. pre paid funerals, longterm care policies, bath remodel, step rider if needed - as much as you can especially if you plan to AGE IN PLACE.

Plan. We planned by buying long term health care insurance. We have our Wills, POAs, Health Care Proxies etc. etc. so that our children wouldn’t have to do anything but flick a switch unless they wanted to. Is it or be more involved. My parents made life for us as teenagers very difficult by taking care of our grandparents so we will not do that to our kids and they know it is our wish.

How do we share this with the rest of our siblings/friends/neighbors who are planning to "age in place"? We will be moving out of our house when we retire and into a small 2-bedroom condo which we already own. When we can't mangage that ourselves, we go into an assisted living near the kids. We will be close enough to visit but will not need them to take care of us. There may not be much money left for them in the end but they will not have the burden of care if we live into our 90s as my parents and their siblings have.

It's not about kicking people out of our life. We love our families. But being a 24 hr. caregiver is very difficult. We start to resent the person and have negative feelings towards them, and burn out.

Thats why it's important for people to plan in advance, to have a professional caregiver when it's needed. Or plan which care facility to go to when needed.

Adult Children can visit as a daughter or son, instead of being a burnt out caregiver.

Some people say, your parents took care of you, now you pay it back. I feel the way you pay it back is raising your own children. That's what your parents raised you for. Not so you can be your parent's servant, but so you can raise your own family, and pass down the traditions and values they taught you.

We need to be pro-active with how we prepare for our next career/living situation. However, the most drastic approach to avoiding having to be a burden to children/family/ friends would be to move to a state that allows assisted suicide to remove the caregiving burden. Before you do, just make certain that your family is well aware that it is your decision so they are not burden with guilt.

You may want to consider counseling to settle past issues with your parents/step parents and set boundaries so you are not overwhelmed with guilt and annoyance. My sister is 70 and is lucid but she constantly retells the stories of her wedding design business, clothing design and tailoring business for local stars and politicians as well as reliving her life in Houston as well as her multiple accidents and health issues. The stories become larger than life and definitely grow depending upon her audience. I no longer listen either by leaving the house, closing my bedroom door or putting on earphones. Can't take the stress of the diva act.

You are responsible first and foremost for yourself and it is up to you to find your boundaries while being a caregiver. I think it is so sad that many are not willing to work with their children/family/friends to actively discuss what the parameters are of growing old whether healthy or not. And this notion of not wanting to burden the next generation is very reflective of how our society has become -- especially during the pandemic with the attitude by my 30-50 year olds that if the aged contract COVID 19 let them die. What a sad world we have evolved to kicking the older generation out of our lives.

There are so many good responses to your question, I won't repeat them. For myself, I will not live with either one of my children. I have tried to be prepared for that. They both know how I feel.

As for now; my daughter told me, I needed to find someone to clean the house. So, I did. It took awhile, but I have someone. When they tell me I need to do, whatever, I put myself in their shoes and usually do it. I don't want them worrying about me.

They have access to my medical records, that way they can talk to the doctor about my health. If they feel I need to see a specialist, I do it. In other words, I try to do whatever so they don't worry about me.

I have girlfriends I can b**** to about my health. I try to be upbeat when they talk to me. I do tell them serious stuff, but not in a whiny voice. I also, have a life of my own, my own friends, I do not depend on them for social contacts.

This post hit me like a TON of bricks because It is so spot on and has so much empathy. I feel exactly as the writer does. It is the toughest road to watch our parents age. Especially once dementia sets in. The complaints & negativity are insufferable. It is all so hard most especially if you’re a caregiver. Thank you for posting such an empathetic and caring and heart rendering post. I have nothing to add besides my empathy towards all of us who are facing these challenges. I guess being prepared financially to live in assisted care so the burden of care giving doesn’t overwhelm our own children is the closest thing to an answer. But thank you to the poster for so much empathy towards all of us.

These are the continuing questions, aren't they? We ponder them all the time. Our documents are in place but I am currently thinking we should put everything into a trust instead of a Will.
We also are thinking of moving (almost NO one visits us here) to a location where it'll be easier for family to at least travel to in order to visit us, and where IL/AL/MC will be more affordable when we might need that in the future. (My mother lives in San Diego and her AL is $9K a month.)
In addition to my long-distance caregiving duties to my mom, the COVID lockdown et cetera has changed our perspectives. We don't know where to move to yet, but I am NOT in love with our geographic location so I am okay with going somewhere new (warmer) that hopefully has more community to offer us now (late 60s/early 70s) and as we age.
It is our responsibility to care for ourselves, and not demand this of our sons, as my mom once demanded of me (to leave my husband, dog, house, life, everything and move in with her to take care of her every whim until she dies. That is what she said!). My responsibility to her is to make sure she is taken care of, and she is - by people who are skilled, trained, and work in shifts (as opposed to a live-in family member 24/7).
But the reach of her guilt-training is long, and I wrestle with it like a high school wrestling match when both participants are determined to win the championship. For that I have no answer. Or peace.

Your question also applies to couples who have no children or living relatives who can help them in their senior years: that was my and my husband's dilemma. Our answer was to save money and apply to a Life Care Plan community. There is an upfront fee, but from then on a monthly "rent" payment for your independent living unit which includes everything from cleaning to meals to utilities to transportation. The only thing we have to pay for on our own is cable/internet. If one of us requires it we can be temporarily moved to a rehab section of the campus or assisted living or hospice. Or, we can have those services come to us in our unit if we wish. We are never going to have to move even if we run out of money. That is what our upfront "endowment" and the campus foundation is for. Thank goodness for these communities!

hello :)

my answer is long term insurance.

Get long term health care insurance now before is to late. Also great answers above.

I hear you and believe we are all going through the same thoughts, doubts, hurt, frustration you are.

It is the cycle of life. My parents did with my grandma, I am going through with my dad. I do not have any children so the cycle stops here.

To be quite frank with you my husband and I are hoping we go quickly into to that gentle midnight.

Best wishes to you and all of us.

Aging is part of life. It is difficult. When I started looking for the blessings that come when I help my dad, my attitude changed. I started serving him, asking him what I can do each day. When I looked for good, things changed.
There is no guarantee that you might be a small burden on your daughter too. But this is called love. When we love one another, we put others first. We get over our selves and think about how other people feel.
Our parents hate growing old. Because we love them, we take care of them. Yes, it is tough, yes, it hurts. It is the hardest job out there.
We can get some help from good services, get support from friends, books, agencies, and self-care. But in the end help comes from an attitude of a servants heart, doing it for God and love.
We must think about how they feel, and how much we are needed.
Your daughter will hate some days, just as you do. However, if you teach her to look for the good, to put others first and to have the heart of a servant, she will take care of you with love.
Seek help when you need it, ask friends and agencies to give you breaks. Set aside monies for Assisted Living to take you in when you age. But most of all, love others, do what you do for God, He changes our hearts.

i actually just thought of this and don't know if someone else said it before. (1) take care of all "end of life" things as far as funeral goes (pre-paid). (2) give your child what ever important items you want them to have now instead of later (3) Make a video with phone or whatever and tell them how much you love them, appreciate them and that when you get older you might repeat things several times, brag or complain about stuff......anything you want them to know or prepare them for the future (since you are going thur this now with your parents). then your child can look back on it and see/hear you and get prepared. You could also (which might be hard), get your name on a list of a AL place so that when the time comes you can be placed there.......(but by the time that happens, your name may have been moved many times back to the bottom). We are pretty much all going to go thru it and if your child is seeing now what you are going thru, they will have an idea of what is to come (but not necessarily). you might be one of the lucky ones and not have any real memory issues, but just pass of old age itself. wishing you luck.

One thing that will matter: decide how you want to be when you get older. A wonderful happy older (93) friend said that if you're happy and positive when you go into later years, you will be happy and positive during them. That way of being is a wonderful gift to give rather than go down the road of angry, bitter and unhappy (not saying you are those things but I have decided it is important to build the perspective now of how you want to be.) As she said, if you're unhappy and unpleasant now, that won't change when you age. No surprise there, I guess, but so important to plan and design that part now. Congrats for planning ahead!

We can prepare all we want, and we should, but nobody can predict the future. Life is full of tragedies and heartache, and there is no way to avoid it. I don't want my children to have to take care of me, either, but we took care of them when they were babies. In turn, children may have to care for their parents some day. It's what families do for the most part.

There really are only 3 choices you can do.

1.
Have the money to hire a Caregiver 24 7 or a Live In to take care of you.

2.
Have to go live a worse life in a Senior Home.

3.
Pray you die before you get that bad off.

Take care of yourself now. Most diseases in industrialized countries are related to lifestyle.
Eat healthy - prevents or manages diabetes, strokes, heart disease
Get that 7-9 hours of sleep - helps clear debris from brain associated with Alzheimer's disease.
Drink 1/2 your body weight in ounces of fluids (preferable water) - clears toxins from blood stream, prevents blood clots
Exercise - 30 minutes 5-7 days of the week. It can be broken into smaller segments throughout the day. Aim to walk fast enough you can't hold deep conversation, stretch all body parts until you reach the point of can't go father, and strength train (lift, push, pull) every major muscle 20 repetitions or until muscles say enough.

Take care of business. It is easier for our caregivers when they know our intentions.
Financial - streamline finances with automatic payments (no missed payments), online banking and online bills (easier to check payments and discover hackers), and financial power of attorney (allows very trustworthy person to do business in your name).
Legal - see a lawyer that specializes in estate planning to have legal documents drawn up: medical power of attorney, financial power of attorney, will, advanced directive, do not resuscitate... and anything special if you have a lot of assets or investments.
Medical - get an annual physical, keep up with vaccinations, see dentist every 6 months, follow your doctor's advice
Get organized - simplify your home before you need to, downsize to a smaller place as your abilities diminish, create 2 binders with all your important information in one place (medical history, surgical history, allergies, list of medications and how you take them, names and contact information of everybody you do business with, insurance information...), give 1 binder to the person who will be your caregiver or holds medical power of attorney, and keep 1 binder in an easy to see location (I like making mine in neon colors or red).
Ask for help - when it becomes more difficult to do something, get help
Stay connected - meet with friends weekly (online if you must during COVID), go to church, keep your brain active with fun activities with others, write letters, make phone calls to family and friends, make sure all these people have phone number for person that has your medical power of attorney AND let everybody know who to call if you have an emergency.

You tell them what you want now so they don't feel guilty or responsible for your care. 'Even if I lose my mind later on and cannot tell you what to do with me, I am ok with living in some kind of facility where others are paid to take care of me. Do NOT take me to your house. Do NOT give up your own life and move in to my house just for the reason of keeping me in my own surroundings.'

Tell your child verbally and in writing you do not want them to take care of you. Spend all your money now. Tell your child they have permission to put you in a nursing home and not to visit. If they love you they won't do what you have asked.

I'd like to add to funkygrandma59's terrific recommendations on April 15, 2021, which are: "Just make sure that you have all your medical paperwork in order, like both POA's(medical and durable), Living Will(advance directive), an actual Will, and either a POLST or DNR. 
And then make sure your loved ones know and understand exactly what you want and don't want, regarding your care. If things are made clear, there should be no issues in carrying out a persons wishes."

I also recommend:
- A living trust. I have a living trust where my bank's Trust department takes over if I'm physically and/or mentally incapacitated and acts as successor trustee when I die. My trust department's representative instructed me to put everything possible into the trust so the department can take care of it should I become incapacitated. My dogs, household goods, and my historical research are included too!

- A Specific Durable POA for "stuff" for those items that can't or shouldn't be in the living trust like vehicles or an IRA account and other accounts like the power company and phone company. (The trust department CAN ONLY handle things in the trust.) So, if I deteriorate mentally, my friend is my Agent and has the authority to take care of non-living trust stuff like selling my car to collect the proceeds for my care or dealing with governmental agencies or the utility companies.

- A General Durable POA for my friend as a over-arching device in case I miss something that hopefully an agency will accept.

Unless you have a complicated estate, with expert advice, both online and book-published, you can research how to do this yourself. (When I wrote my first living trust and other items, I did take them to a lawyer who specialized in all this to review it. It wasn't real expensive and he gave me excellent advice.) Certainly, if you have any concerns, see a lawyer.

IF you are young enough and can afford it LTC Insurance can help. But it can be very expensive.
At the very least do some of the following.
Set your wishes down in writing. Complete a POLST or whatever it is called in your state. This is a more detailed document than a DNR. Keep a copy with you AT ALL TIMES, If you are taken to the hospital and it is not available "it does not exist". If you call paramedics and it is not visible "it does not exist". Make sure your loved ones are aware of the document and they also have a copy.
If you can prepay for a funeral that would be great. Make the arrangements that YOU want. This takes a lot of stress off family AND they can not be pushed into "more" than can be afforded.
Talk to an Elder Care Attorney or Family Lawyer and have a Will done and have in place who you select as POA for Health and Finances. It can be different people.
If you chose to, and can afford it looking into Continuing Care Communities is a great idea. One that will take you from Independent (if you wish) to Assisted to Memory Care of Skilled Nursing if either are needed. If this is not an option start making changes to your house so it is accessible if you need to use a walker, wheelchair or if caregivers need to use equipment when caring for you. Durable flooring, the type that can stay wet for a while, no carpeting. Wider doorways, or put the hinges on that allow for full swing on the doors. A walk in or preferably a roll in shower.
Start purging "stuff" from the house. That stuff no one wants. Great Aunt Millie's dresser, the collection of spoons you got on family vacations. The clothes in the back bedroom that will NEVER fit again. Give away what you can, sell what no one wants, donate what does not sell.
I am sure you will get a lot of other ideas.

Although my sisters and I have become close again while helping my Mom in her elder years, we all agree on one thing, "We will not do this to our children." We all live in our own homes now, three of us with our husbands. All four of us are in decent health in our late 60's and 70's. The most important things we are doing to be sure that we do not create difficult obligations for our children:
1) We are cleaning up our messes now. Lots of accumulated stuff is going to nieces and nephews who are just starting out on their own. We are asking our kids which stuff they would like to inherit (or just get when we downsize).
2) We are not waiting for the time when our children will "put" us into some kind of residential care. We are checking out the options now, while we still have the energy to do the legwork.
3) We are sharing our plans with our children, letting them know that if they think it is time to give up on the house before we make the move, tell us. We could get lazy. We promise to listen to them.
4) We are sharing our financial status with them, telling them our plans. Considering how close I am to my sons, I am amazed at how difficult this is. Glad I am doing it now and not when my mind is half shot.
5) We are writing down plans and reviewing them so that we do not slip in our intentions as the mind starts to wander.
6) Our children are already listed in our doctor's offices as HIPPA authorized. My investment/brokerage companies and banks list my sons as authorized to be called if these companies have questions about my accounts.
7) We have wills, letters of advisement, and limited power of attorney documents already signed in case an emergency requires quick changes.
8) We have each made a list of deadlines. When I can no longer...(fill in the blank) ...I will know it is time to move before...(whatever). In my case when I cannot get my flowerbeds ready to have the mulch blown into place in February, it is time to get help to do the final sprucing up and put the house on the market.
9) We are also talking about the positive reasons to be moving to a residential facility. We don't want to feel like we are leaving behind everything nice. We will be moving to a place where someone else will scrub the toilets, where there the lawns will be mowed without me lifting a finger. My sister is moving somewhere where she will not have to cook or change the sheets on the beds. Another sister is moving to a place where there will always be someone willing to play cards and a mini-van to take us to see the azaleas in the spring. You get the idea. Staying at home gives us space and familiar surroundings, moving on gives us other things.

We will not wait for our children to tell us we need to move, we will move while we are still able to make the most of the next stage.

Well, I'm ahead of the game in one way--because I've never owned real estate and have mostly lived in inexpensive apartments, I won't need to downsize because I've never "upsized"! I just want something simple that meets my needs and nothing more.