What are we supposed to DO so we don't put our kids through this terrible task of caregiving?

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What are we supposed to DO so we don't put our kids through this terrible task of caregiving?

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hello :)

my answer is long term insurance.

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When we are already old, it's too late! But even having the money, it doesn't secure good care when you need it.

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Your question also applies to couples who have no children or living relatives who can help them in their senior years: that was my and my husband's dilemma. Our answer was to save money and apply to a Life Care Plan community. There is an upfront fee, but from then on a monthly "rent" payment for your independent living unit which includes everything from cleaning to meals to utilities to transportation. The only thing we have to pay for on our own is cable/internet. If one of us requires it we can be temporarily moved to a rehab section of the campus or assisted living or hospice. Or, we can have those services come to us in our unit if we wish. We are never going to have to move even if we run out of money. That is what our upfront "endowment" and the campus foundation is for. Thank goodness for these communities!

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I have read about these communities in Southern California. In what state is the community you are thinking about? I do not believe there are any in the state I live in (Idaho).

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These are the continuing questions, aren't they? We ponder them all the time. Our documents are in place but I am currently thinking we should put everything into a trust instead of a Will.
We also are thinking of moving (almost NO one visits us here) to a location where it'll be easier for family to at least travel to in order to visit us, and where IL/AL/MC will be more affordable when we might need that in the future. (My mother lives in San Diego and her AL is $9K a month.)
In addition to my long-distance caregiving duties to my mom, the COVID lockdown et cetera has changed our perspectives. We don't know where to move to yet, but I am NOT in love with our geographic location so I am okay with going somewhere new (warmer) that hopefully has more community to offer us now (late 60s/early 70s) and as we age.
It is our responsibility to care for ourselves, and not demand this of our sons, as my mom once demanded of me (to leave my husband, dog, house, life, everything and move in with her to take care of her every whim until she dies. That is what she said!). My responsibility to her is to make sure she is taken care of, and she is - by people who are skilled, trained, and work in shifts (as opposed to a live-in family member 24/7).
But the reach of her guilt-training is long, and I wrestle with it like a high school wrestling match when both participants are determined to win the championship. For that I have no answer. Or peace.

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This post hit me like a TON of bricks because It is so spot on and has so much empathy. I feel exactly as the writer does. It is the toughest road to watch our parents age. Especially once dementia sets in. The complaints & negativity are insufferable. It is all so hard most especially if you’re a caregiver. Thank you for posting such an empathetic and caring and heart rendering post. I have nothing to add besides my empathy towards all of us who are facing these challenges. I guess being prepared financially to live in assisted care so the burden of care giving doesn’t overwhelm our own children is the closest thing to an answer. But thank you to the poster for so much empathy towards all of us.

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There are so many good responses to your question, I won't repeat them. For myself, I will not live with either one of my children. I have tried to be prepared for that. They both know how I feel.

As for now; my daughter told me, I needed to find someone to clean the house. So, I did. It took awhile, but I have someone. When they tell me I need to do, whatever, I put myself in their shoes and usually do it. I don't want them worrying about me.

They have access to my medical records, that way they can talk to the doctor about my health. If they feel I need to see a specialist, I do it. In other words, I try to do whatever so they don't worry about me.

I have girlfriends I can b**** to about my health. I try to be upbeat when they talk to me. I do tell them serious stuff, but not in a whiny voice. I also, have a life of my own, my own friends, I do not depend on them for social contacts.

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I hope that your children do at times go with you to your doctors to listen to what you are stating about your health as well as them. Sometimes we don't always see the health issue but it is being discussed by family and friends, oversleeping, weight gain/loss, too much medication and over the counter supplements affecting sleep/eating/memory etc.
I began going with my mom to her doctors when she was still an active 70 year old and I was able to change PCP's due to the hospital preference the family had because her previous PCP did not have hospital privileges. She often would accept our suggestions and it proved to be most beneficial when she turned 90 and her health was showing decline although her mental state was fully lucid.
I'm now my younger sister's primary caregiver and is living with me. Roommates again after 50 years. In the past 3 years, she has had numerous serious health issues however, she is beginning to turn the corner and will be moving into her senior living apartment next month. It has not been a bed of roses by any stretch but she now realizes at 70 she needs to grow up and try living on her own. She is able to cook and has an aide/CNA/housekeeper 5 days a week for a total of 20 hours which is subsidized by the state. It has made a huge difference for me as well as her.
We need to be pro-active with how we prepare for our next career/living situation. However, the most drastic approach to avoiding having to be a burden to children/family/ friends would be to move to a state that allows assisted suicide to remove the caregiving burden. Before you do, just make certain that your family is well aware that it is your decision so they are not burden with guilt.

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We need to be pro-active with how we prepare for our next career/living situation. However, the most drastic approach to avoiding having to be a burden to children/family/ friends would be to move to a state that allows assisted suicide to remove the caregiving burden. Before you do, just make certain that your family is well aware that it is your decision so they are not burden with guilt.

You may want to consider counseling to settle past issues with your parents/step parents and set boundaries so you are not overwhelmed with guilt and annoyance. My sister is 70 and is lucid but she constantly retells the stories of her wedding design business, clothing design and tailoring business for local stars and politicians as well as reliving her life in Houston as well as her multiple accidents and health issues. The stories become larger than life and definitely grow depending upon her audience. I no longer listen either by leaving the house, closing my bedroom door or putting on earphones. Can't take the stress of the diva act.

You are responsible first and foremost for yourself and it is up to you to find your boundaries while being a caregiver. I think it is so sad that many are not willing to work with their children/family/friends to actively discuss what the parameters are of growing old whether healthy or not. And this notion of not wanting to burden the next generation is very reflective of how our society has become -- especially during the pandemic with the attitude by my 30-50 year olds that if the aged contract COVID 19 let them die. What a sad world we have evolved to kicking the older generation out of our lives.

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Christine, to me, it isn't a matter of not caring. I watched my parents then myself caretaking older people. I am not going to put my children through that. My oldest daughter is taking care of my ex-husband, her dad. My youngest is married to a man who is difficult and she has a special needs child. I will not, if I can help it, put them through the grind of taking care of me.

I too believe in assisted suicide. I have two different orders saying I do not want to be kept alive. To me, it isn't a matter of letting me die, like it is a bad thing. I am going to be 87 in June. I ache all over, I have multiple health problems, and it is not going to get better.

I do not believe in having the medical profession keep me alive when my quality of life is gone, just because they can. Let me go. I do not believe this life is all there is. It will be interesting to see what, if anything, is on the other side.

I wonder what people who believe that "God calls people home" are thinking when they keep people alive with machines. Do they wonder if they are thwarting God's will by keeping the person here?

People have been dying since the world began. As the Line King Move said, " it is the circle of life". I do not see any point in keeping someone alive when their quality of life is zero. Back in the old days that didn't happen. It is only now that modern medicine can keep your body going for a long time has that been an issue.

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It's not about kicking people out of our life. We love our families. But being a 24 hr. caregiver is very difficult. We start to resent the person and have negative feelings towards them, and burn out.

Thats why it's important for people to plan in advance, to have a professional caregiver when it's needed. Or plan which care facility to go to when needed.

Adult Children can visit as a daughter or son, instead of being a burnt out caregiver.

Some people say, your parents took care of you, now you pay it back. I feel the way you pay it back is raising your own children. That's what your parents raised you for. Not so you can be your parent's servant, but so you can raise your own family, and pass down the traditions and values they taught you.

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Simple concept, but some don't see it that way. I do. Nothing wrong with being the 24/7 IF that's your CHOICE. If so, go for it and we wish you all the best! If not, we can ensure they have good care and be there as loving children instead of nurse-maids.

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How do we share this with the rest of our siblings/friends/neighbors who are planning to "age in place"? We will be moving out of our house when we retire and into a small 2-bedroom condo which we already own. When we can't mangage that ourselves, we go into an assisted living near the kids. We will be close enough to visit but will not need them to take care of us. There may not be much money left for them in the end but they will not have the burden of care if we live into our 90s as my parents and their siblings have.

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If all our kids are looking for is a handout when we die, we've done something wrong.... Inheritance, unless you are part of that 1%, is NEVER guaranteed. IF we've set aside money, it should be used for our own care.

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Plan. We planned by buying long term health care insurance. We have our Wills, POAs, Health Care Proxies etc. etc. so that our children wouldn’t have to do anything but flick a switch unless they wanted to. Is it or be more involved. My parents made life for us as teenagers very difficult by taking care of our grandparents so we will not do that to our kids and they know it is our wish.

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Imho, prepare your own selves for aging forward, e.g. pre paid funerals, longterm care policies, bath remodel, step rider if needed - as much as you can especially if you plan to AGE IN PLACE.

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Plenty of advice in getting legal paperwork and finances set up and making all your medical and residential preferences known. All should be set up legally and be discussed with your children, if you have any. For those without children, all the legal paperwork can still be done, you just need to appoint someone else to be the POA to manage everything when you no longer can. It would be best to have a secondary person appointed as well, just in case. It wouldn't hurt to appoint someone who can perhaps oversee things, to be sure your wishes are being followed and proper financial and medical decisions are being made by the POA. Too many stories on here about POAs (mainly family, but non-family POAs can take advantage too) who have mishandled and stolen from their "charge."

Also, setting up a pre-need burial/cremation plan is advised as well. It saves time and expedites everything.

For those with children, make it clear to them how difficult this journey has been for you and that you do NOT want them to have to struggle with this. No matter how old they are, there are difficulties in every age bracket when it comes down to 24/7 care. Younger adults may have growing families and careers. Later adults may be empty-nested, but still have to ensure they get their last years in to ensure maximum retirement benefits for their own potential needs. Retired adults often have their own medical issues to deal with.

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There was a couple in their 70s that went on a camping trip last year - to one of the most remote bushland national parks in my state. Not seen since. Very strange. Made me wonder if that was their 'plan'.

My DH says he wants to visit a volcano & slip in. Very practical. Can you imagine a tour guide assisting an old man with a walker up to the rim? 🤣🤣🤣

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Beatty, your husband's plan may be difficult to carry out, but it's econommical. He gets a free cremation, and either a free burial or a free scattering of his ashes. Just go with the (lava) flow.

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Not everyone hates caregiving. I loved caring for my parents and miss them dearly. It was not easy, but I would do it all again. They didn’t guilt me into the job — but they were grateful when I stepped up to the challenge. They never made me feel that it was some kind of payback, but I will be eternally grateful for their raising me and was glad to help them too.

The answer to your question about your own care is easy: move into a full-range care facility if you grow elderly and need the beginnings of assistance. When you require a higher level of care, you will be automatically moved in-house in accordance with your care needs. Your kids can be as involved as much or as little as they want.

As for your current healthcare issues, most will agree that taking care of elderly parents is extremely stressful. Have you considered inquiring about antidepressants? If you are having difficulty sleeping or coping, this could give you your life back.

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I plan to do everything my mother will not do - first move to assisted living when i am not capable of handling the yard and cooking. I will not be proud and deceive myself. My house is not my identity or my memories. I have issues my mother has with legs and back, so i will address them and not just sit still. I will walk and move.
I have told my children" when you see me ______( see above)have the talk right away with me so i can decide with you what i should do."
Pre-plan. Have written wishes and arrangement with the children. Look up resources now and have them in a notebook.

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I wrote a letter to my future self. Seeing a lot of elders around me not listen to sound advice, I thought maybe I would listen to myself. Make it personal, tell yourself what is best for you. I do not have kids, so I expect to live in ALF when needed. In my letter I remind myself that when I start to get forgetful or mobility impaired I need to look for a good ALF. Get LTC insurance, if you can afford it. Since I see some elders ignore their hygiene, my letter also reminds me of the joy and health benefits of a daily shower......I do not want to be that person!

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I am 65 and my DH is 69. He just had a pacemaker put in last Friday. We've been married 40 years and never had children. (I had a tubal ligation at age 23 the year before I met him.) We have a living trust and living wills, etc in place. Our 2 nieces on his side have DPOA and will inherit our estate. I have 2 younger brothers but we are estranged due to the torturous caregiving journey of our toxic parents that was totally dumped in my lap. In fact, I am the trustee/administrator of father's estate and will wrap that up next month on the one year anniversary of his death.
Even if I had had kids, I would never put them through what my raging narcissist father put me through. I am already researching CCRC/Life care communities in Florida. DH and I saved up our whole lives for a secure retirement. We applied for LTC insurance in our 40's. He was approved, I was not due to my VA disability for PTSD. As soon as we feel we can't maintain the upkeep of our house or something else happens, we will sell it. Right now we are concentrating on the health issues the past few years have caused, but my next project/goal is to de-clutter and get organized while I'm still physically able. Caregiving was overwhelming and I'm still recovering. The best years of my retirement were stolen from me. I'm trying to move past all the anger but I'm not there yet.

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Care for your body, brain and social/emotional wellbeing. Eat well. Walk. Lift weights. Go to the Dr and follow her advice. Save money. Save LOTS of money!

Then, work with your family to decide, jointly, what the best course of action is for you.

My grandparents stayed in their homes until their deaths in their late 80s and early 90s. I saw my parents working alongside my aunts and uncles to share the responsibilities. Now, I care for my mom. It is a life changing experience. It is hard. I give up a lot. But, it not a burden for me. It is a sacrifice I am willing to make and learn and grow from daily.

Also, it costs $5-6k/month for a high quality cotinuum of care facility. That would be $250,000 my mom would have spent in the last 5 years of me supporting her. And, at almost 90, she's still healthy and doing well - with help. I support her, and she is still a support to me.

Perhaps the real question is: how do I ensure I am a person my child wants to care for in my old age?

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I salute and admire your caring for your mother, and admit I feel a little bit awkward about my own mother having to pay as she needs more and more help, as society often still 'expects' that I should do it, as the daughter. But then again, why shouldn't she use her own money for this purpose? Most of us use our money to support ourselves. We don't need an inheritance from her.

For those of us whose relationship with our parent/s is for whatever reason 'toxic', living with them would simply be counterproductive for both parties. I am not willing to ruin my life and hers, although I accept that AL or a care home is not ideal. For my mum, nothing would be ideal.

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What are we supposed to DO so we don't put our kids through this terrible task of caregiving?

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