The siblings live very far away and are not able to visit frequently. However, they have researched the legal and nursing care options made phone calls head long talks, etc but the caregiver refuses to follow up on any of this. At the same time, he demands that the siblings all fly down to help out. This is impossible when the caregiver is so controlling that they will not take any advice and become enraged.
I think it fair for each adult to express - politely but firmly;
1. What their 'help' will be
(eg weekly social telephone calls to Mom)
2. What their 'help' will NOT be
(eg flying in to provide hands-on)
I found this very useful. I have been on BOTH sides of this now.
PS Everyone has the right to say yes or no. It is up to the caregiver sibling how she listens, reacts & accepts other's yes or no.
Be CLEAR to help someone HEAR
Once the caregiver sib hears (on repeat if need be) "No I will not fly there to do XYZ" they may start to loosen their fantasy plans & hopefully step towards a more realistic plan.
We have been flying out at considerable expense and “doing all the chores” - what chores? You and sibling are hands on? Or hands on the keyboard? Huh.
we have limited vacation. - Wow
I sense some sock puppeting in this thread. Twirl has provided a lot of information …. I don’t know. Too many posters are drinking the koolaid.
Dad should not have asked for this - alas he did. Sister should not have agreed to it - alas she did.
A better 'promise' (if one has to) is for a broad promise to *care*. Alternatively, to ammend it to state "I promise not to put you in a home TODAY - but if it is the best option one day, I will consider it".
I applaud Sister's commitment to her promise but it needs to be examined now with COMMON SENSE. Using critical thinking - not concrete thinking.
Allow flexability in to make a realistic, sustainable care plan.
You might be able to ask the local police for a Well Care Check on your mother. They can determine the situation and hopefully you can find out some information from them. It sounds somewhat like a codependent situation your sister and mother have. If your mother was able to discuss the situation with all of you siblings together it might help?
The other thing I did beside the Well Care Check is to formulate a document - what happened and when about your concerns. If there is significant concern you can work with APS (Adult Protective Service).
Another place to look for help is Aging & Disability. Another step I haven't taken is working with an elder lawyer or find a geriatric manager to work with the family. Most of all, take care of yourself. Also the bottom line is what will your mother do and say especially to your sister? My mother wants to live and die in her own home so has given up her decision making to my brother; therefore, it is almost impossible to deal with the situation. Accepting what you can and can not do is hard. I keep praying for my brother and wait for open doors to help our mother. You care for your mother but you must take care of yourself first.
Oh yes, who does your mother have POA medical, mental and financial. It should be two persons listed. If your mother hasn't done this it would be important to talk to her preferably in person. Also make sure your names on her contact form for the doctors so you can contact them directly to find out how she is doing medically and share your concerns.
Also does she have any other person listed on her bank account? Has she given you siblings the ability to contact the bank or other financial agencies she has? . You mother is the one in control of her decisions and life. She needs to deal with some these issues!
May you have wisdom and love for all who are involved. Blessings.
With a few calls, we could probably get more at home help, but she will not accept us doing that. She also claimed she can’t afford it. So then we look into free grants for people in her situation and after one phone call gives up.
my mom is not capable of making decisions because she really doesn’t know what is happening from moment to moment. Also, my caregiver sister got her riled up when we were considering getting advice about how to get a heating system and how to make sure the house stays in the family name. My mom probably won’t remain riled up, but she is under my caregiver sister’s influence all the time. So it’s difficult to figure out how to change this. We can call my mom privately sometimes, but she won’t remember what we talked about. Thank you for your response and sympathy.
This is faulty thinking.
I will find the link for the F.O G website. While it will not change your sibling, it may help you to read.
Each adult is able to make their own desicion on their life, what they do, if they will offer support & how they will do so. From emotional support, helping find practical resources, to offering short-term assistance, from hands-on help. No-one is ever obliged to perform long-term hands-on help because a sibling guilted them to.
Eg A a nurse sibling lives care work. Thinks nothing of helping with incontinence issues. Insists all other sibs do same. Other siblings work as pilot, truckdriver, miltary & mechanic.
My mother still has power of attorney because my sibling caregiver refuses to even look at the document or listen to us describe what may happen to the house in the medical decisions about my mom unless we get power of attorney. Doesn’t matter which one. We just don’t want her to lose the house in probate.
We would like to hire someone to help, but my caregiver sister refuses our suggestions and will only accept people in the house who she knows. She will not accept trained caregivers because she believes most people aren’t trustworthy.
Is it stirring up trouble to ask her to get a heating system when my mom is cold all winter and my sister box at spending the money on a heating system? I would say no. And we do fly out there and we get the door slammed in our face when we try to offer suggestions to help my mother keep the house and stay warm. I don’t call that stirring up trouble.
We have been flying out at considerable expense and doing all the chores, but we have limited vacation. We would happily pay for more caregiving and someone to do the shopping, but the caregiver sibling is very controlling and will not accept help from caregiver agencies or actually anyone that she doesn’t know. And she doesn’t know a lot of people. It’s a control thing. It is a long-standing problem.. I have an aging partner and a full-time job with limited vacation and can hardly be going there all the time.
Like I said to others, we are the ones who flew down in nature to get my dad‘s death certificate and my mom access to his Social Security and retirement. We want POA so the house doesn’t get eaten up in probate when we may have to sell it in order to pay for her assisted living care in the future. Or for more in-home care.
Consult an elder law attorney- it’s definitely worth the investment. Regarding help with groceries- initiate Instacart or a similar service for grocery delivery. You could even do the ordering remotely if your mother can’t be part of deciding what to purchase. Best of luck in this difficult situation.
You can't help someone who won't follow through and thinks they know it all. I would not want to be around someone who is controlling. You want my help, I do it my way. (I do take advice) Is there a way each one of you can take a week off do give sibling some time to themselves. Space the time out. Supply funds so parent can have respite care in an AL or NH? If sibling bulks at these ideas then tell them they are on their own. They can't have it all their way. They have to take what is offered. If this sibling can't do the caring then the parent will need to be placed.
Sounds like when my cousin 2000 miles away thought she should be part of my father's care team. Unless she was offering to take him grocery shopping, to yet one of his many frivolous doctor visits or do his laundry I failed to see running every decision I made past her like it was a committee decision would be helpful to me. Cousin was cut off.
What would you suggest?
How old is the caregiver? Do they have any history of mental illness?
Is the caregiver the PoA for the care receiver?
What would you and siblings consider a solution in this situation?
Answers to your question will depend on what further information you provide.
A solution would be for the caregiver to get mental health treatment and do what any lawyer would suggest and get power of attorney past to herself or all of our siblings. In case something happens to my mother. She needs to consider someday selling the house in order to pay for my mother‘s care.
At the moment she shuts down any conversation about the future, whether we visit her offering to help or do so on the phone. Thank you.
The other siblings have full-time jobs and can’t go live in that town for an extended time. The other siblings need to know about my mother’s financial status in order to see if there is a way to pay for more caregiving in Home. We have even found a grant that could provide her money for caregiving because she doesn’t qualify for other types of programs. However, the caregiver refuses to call the number. And she has become verbally abusive when we bring up anything related to my mother’s future care, or any legal or financial matter, which may have an impact on the caregiver herself, as well as the quality of my mother’s future care.
Thank you for listening.