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What causes dementia? Mom and Dad had the worst upbringings. Dad is 12yrs older than mom and has always been kind of an absentee dad, husband, sibling. He's always lacked social skills for some things but was kind of a womanizer. Now, my mom and dad live together as roommates out of necesity to survive financially because they're combined income is less than 15k yr. I'll tell you in a second the reason for this background story. Dad has always been healthy as an ox but that last few years we've noticed his mental health/behavior deteriorating and drastically in the last couple of years. It started with small things like, "dad can you check in the shed for the hammer" and he'd take about 30 minutes and come back inside without anything in hand. When asked about the hammer he would lie (you could tell) and say it wasn't there. Then it progressed to more significant things like, going to the wrong doctors office for his appointments- one he hadn't seen for years. Then, it was not so random for him to not know basic things like cities he worked for years in or highways he traveled for years or cooking somthing basic. Now he is just, isolated (which he had never really been to social with his family), he lacks hygiene (coming from a man that would shower daily if not twice a day), won't even change clothes, he lies, we've caught him stealing (candy bars) at convenience stores and digging thru our purses, he won't leave his room unless it's to use the restroom or smoke, forgets to shut the restroom door, started dragging his feet and inches thru a room dragging his feet an inch at a time, pulls off skin tags and sits there bleeding without telling anyone, he cant drive anymore but when he would (which was up to about 3 months ago) he would go to the grocery store 2 blocks away and bring really random things - especially if my mom requested something in particular he would bring the wrong groceries or the wrong fast food meals written down for him. He has fallen recently, is aggressive with my mom - threatening her life, will hit himself when told not to do something inappropriate, he acts like a child- if guests are over he'll just come out of his room with a funny wig/ hat or fake nose & glasses as if adults and teenagers would think that was funny, or he'll show people he lost his teeth while in the middle of family gathering. I mentioned he doesn't leave his room but if no one is home he'll go and do something incredibly dangerous like unloading 50lb bags of cement (he's 74) off the loaded pickup. He would have the same conversations with me everytime when I would smoke and go outside to smoke with him- same exact things everytime. He's pooped his pants in public. I don't know if this behavior is normal but I know its affecting us. My mom was in the hospital recently because she was just dishonest with hypertension and her BP was out of control and while my sister had me taking care of the kids she was with my mom at the hospital, dad was home alone and fell! My sister came home after mom was discharged and took dad back you the urgent care because he said he had no control over his legs and seeing the video left everyone concerned he might be having a stroke but he was perfectly fine - was it to call attention? My mom and sister are sure frustrated but now even concerned. I feel terrible for thinking this but I think this is his way of sticking it to them because they're short with him. Like I said, my parents are together out of necessity and I've offered to Dad or my mom and relieve both my parents of their miserable lives together but my mom refuses to be a burden on us. My older sister lives with them and pretty much supports them because they would not survive on their income alone and she needs the help as a single mom of 2 kids but that's a whole different story. But to address the background portion- I don't know if this is dad's way of sticking it to them or if her is sick. My fiance says he's just old and is probably unhappy as much as my mom is and this is his way of sticking it to her and my sister but even if that were the case and he just wants to reciprocate the miserable life he has with them, that is still disturbing behaviour in itself! I don't know much about dementia or Alzheimer's but independent of our family disfunctions all around his behaviour is the only one that is not normal - socially unacceptable, DISTURBING! What kind of doctor needs to see him, what kind of tests need to be done? I'm afraid my family is frustrated with him when maybe he should be getting medical attention and if not, he at least needs mental medical attention for his behaviour. I'm to the point where I don't even want a wedding because I'm afraid of what kind of a show hes going to pull or afraid for him to be around my baby that's on the way. I hate not knowing how to solve this problem. Despite everything - we are a very close family and his behaviour affects everyone in so many ways! Please help.

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This jumps out at me:

"He's pooped his pants in public. I dont know if this behavior is normal but i know its affecting us."

You don't know if this is normal? Really? Well, what would you think..?

You are correct. Your father needs a thorough medical and mental state assessment.

If he already has a primary care physician, give the office a ring and tell them what you've told us. They'll be able to advise you what first steps to take.

If he doesn't have one - find one!
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How old are your parents?
And why is their income so low, if they qualify for disability or old age pensions they should be getting more than that. Perhaps someone should call your local Area Agency on Aging to see what kinds of benefits they could qualify for.
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When was the last time your dad had a complete workup, with a caring family member present who could speak to the issues at hand?

Sometimes, when one family member has severe issues, the other looks quite "normal" by comparison. I'm reminded of a family we saw years ago; they had a small child with very severe CP. They brought their 4 year old to see us on the advice of special educators who were in the home working with the younger child. The parents saw nothing amiss with the older boy's development, when in fact, he was severely autistic. The fact that he could walk and talk, in comparison with his younger, quite disabled sibling, made them ignore the fact that the older child had missed many developmental milestones and was in desperate need of help.

Get your dad to the doctor and find out what HIS needs are.
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It sounds as though your Dad is well into his journey with dementia. some of his behavior "COULD" be getting back at people but it is typical of late stage dementia.
Pooping one's pants in public can happen to anyone with intestinal disease. You just don't know it is coming. however in his case it is part of the dementia process and there is worse to come.
When you get married don't even consider having him give you away find another relative - a cousin gave me away. By all means let him see his coming grandchild but don't let him touch or hold the baby.
If you are planning a big family wedding which most of us do perhaps you should consider something very quiet without Dad with a few trusted friends either in church or at another location,
a can guarantee Dad will creat a disturbance if he is anywhere near the ceremony.
Talk to Dad's Dr and ask him to see dad and order a proper evaluation.
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ConcerneD2180, time to arm yourself with all the information you can gather on memory loss.

Scroll down to the bottom of this page to the blue section.... click on ALZHEIMER's CARE... and read the articles which relate to both Alzheimer's and Dementia.
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Thank you for taking the time to respond. I dont think its denial rather ignorance of something we've never considered. some of his behaviors are not necessarily what ive read about others with dementia. I think its hard to tell if these are his small revenges or if its illness when you're dealing with the situation from the inside. You get to know when your family is pushing your buttons and other times its so out there that you do believe they are ill. Its been very hard on all of us and we don't have any history of either Alzheimer's or dementia so recognizing the changes in behaviour has been slow in the sense that we know that not only has his behaviour changed he's out of control. As far as the income- i have called - no pension just social security mom didn't qualify yet for early retirement. So for now i will inquire about what assistance he qualifies for... maybe Medicaid. I will definitely look into the articles y'all suggested and will try to get more informed. Thank you
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Concerned you can go to Youtube and watch videos by Teepa Snow about dementia. She has some very good approaches and explanations.

One thing you mentioned that caught my attention was your dad inching along. There's a brain condition called NPH or normal pressure hydrocephalus. It's when the fluid in your brain doesn't drain the way it should and presses on your brain. It can give the person dementia-like symptoms. It can have a very particular kind of walk that is a shuffling gait. If you go to Youtube and look for '60 Minutes and NPH', you'll find a segment on it. Here's a link, but they may take it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fm0CZh_X-vM You can see if that looks like your dad's walk. I had a neighbor with it and they thought he had dementia. Once he had surgery to relieve the pressure in his brain, he was back to normal.

With dementia, your dad can't help himself, if that's what's going on. And it can change from day to day and hour to hour. So one day he may seem normal and the next day he may be acting very strangely. Please keep us posted - we care and we learn from each other.
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A short shuffling gait can also be part of Lewy Body Dementia and Parkinson's Disease. It seems like an odd choice for "sticking it to" someone, don't you think?

If Dad has a primary care provider, arrange for him to see that doctor. If not, I suggest finding a geriatrician for him. That is a specialist like a pediatrician, but for the elderly. A geriatrician may do some testing and refer Dad to a neurologist for further testing and a treatment plan.

You are right. Whatever the reason for it Dad's behavior is disturbing. My suggested to-do list for you
1) Research what resources are available. Look into Medicaid.
2) Read up on dementia
3) Arrange for Dad to see his PCP or a geriatrician. I assume he is on Medicare -- ?
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I just have to say I have 2 major concerns about your post..your Question if this is normal and your fiance saying it is just old age..HUGE RED FLAGS
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well i hope you have a good insurance thru medicare i hope ..has . well you REALLY HAVE TO TAKE HIM TO A PSYCHIATRIST !!! tell them everything they can tell you what is going on ..then you know what is going on they got meds for him ..have you noticed around 1 or 2 pm he gets violent that is a clue ..so also if so you can give him melatonin from walmart they got 3 to 5 mgs that can keep him calm maybe sleep till you get him to a psychiatrist sometime they wont have a appointment open for a month ..so you might ask for meds for agatitation & anxiety if needed so they will give him namenda or namzaric make sure he takes that only at night it works when they sleep when the brain is awake ...so also you never know what the next day will be like .so also smoking is real bad it can be very bad they say it stops the blood flow thru the veins at 400% so try to get him to stop so what is his age ?? my mom was diagnosed it when she was 78 yr old but everyone is different ...so it be good to get medicaid to go apply ..but make sure they do not have more than like 2 thousand $ each or single you can ask about that got to be poor to get medicaid if need be get the $$ out & put it where they dont have account to it ..
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This IS dementia. Welcome to our world.
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If your dad is on Medicare for his health insurance, they will pay for what’s called a neuropsychiatric evaluation. It’s usually done by a psychologist who specializes in evaluating and diagnosing dementia. I’m sorry to say, I agree with many others who have stated that this sounds absolutely like he has some dementia-like behaviors and issues. In addition to the ideas already shared, see if you can find the contact number for your local Area Agency on Aging. They will be able to provide you with advice specifically about the kinds of help available to you locally. You can also call your state’s social services department to anonymously report him as an adult who is endangering himself and others, which will put him on their radar for assistance should you need it. In particular, I’m concerned, as you mentioned that among all the other things, has he has threatened your mother’s life. Please do not delay in getting help. This is not easy to handle on your own and it sounds like you have little support from your family. Let us know how it goes. This community cares.
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I'm sorry to hear this. There is something wrong with his mind, whether it be medications or a medical problem or dementia. I feel sorry for your mother. How does she put up with him? I would take him to a Dr and just get him checked out Maybe a geriatric Dr. Can you get him to go?
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You don’t say what their ages are but if your dad is on social security then your mom is entitled to half of his as her share. I don’t understand what you meant about your mom not taking early retirement. But if she worked and paid into SS, and if she’s 62 she can draw hers. If half of her husbands would be more than her own SSI then she can claim that instead.
As far as a wedding, why not a small affair. You can walk down the aisle together for that matter. No one has to "give you away". An archaic tradition anyway, back when women were considered property.
I’m sorry about your dad's change in behavior but others here are right and give good advice.
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I'm an MD. Was thinking of frontal lobe dementia, but Lewy is a possibility, too (they usually hallucinate with that.)
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Yes, your dad has dementia for sure. You need to get him to the doctor ASAP and be pro active with his health issues. His doctor must find a social worker for your dad in order to move forward.
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Yes. Let's stop pooh-pahing around. Your father has dementia of some sort, and he is only going to get WORSE. Pooping his pants? NO that is not 'normal'. Take the advice offered here, right away. There is no waiting, GO.
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This sounds very familiar to me. My mom has dementia, and every day is something different. I never know what to expect, and some days she seems normal, then I start thinking she doesn't have it anymore, then within a week, she's back to being very strange. Her eye's even change when she falls back into the dementia spell. It's a very hard, very strange disease. I pretty much have had to say goodbye to my mom as she used to be. She is very angry most of the time, and VERY mean. Some of the things she says to me, I would not say to my worst enemy. All I can say is, please get him checked out. My mom had brain scans done, and mental testing done. It doesn't seem fair of your family to judge him without getting a proper work over. It will not just help him, but it will for sure help you and your family to know how to better deal with it, and to see if you have any options for help. It does not get better, it will only get worse, so you need to arm yourself with the proper information and resources. Good luck.
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ConcerneD2180:
As others have suggested, the first step should be a full medical evaluation. You can start with a PCP, if he has one. That may lead to more specialized cognitive testing, but a decent PCP can at least rule out some things and can perform the Mini Mental exam. That said, yes, as others have said there are other non-dementia causes for some similar behaviors, which is why a full medical exam should be first.

Some of his behaviors would clearly fall into the dementia category, but again, there are many reasons for it and some may be a medical issue that can be treated! If it is determined that he has some form of dementia (finding the right one is key as well), then you (and family) need to arm yourselves with information! I sensed mom was having an issue and starting with dementia I looked up whatever I could to learn more, partly to understand and partly to have some idea what to expect as time went on. Although many web sites will list common behaviors or "signs" during the stages, one size does NOT fit all. Just like babies progress at their own rates (some sooner some later than the "average" or "normal"), so goes dementia. Our mom does not exhibit some of the nasty behavior that others have to contend with, thankfully. Although she is now safely in a MC facility, I still welcome learning more, and I do observe the others in her facility - although many share the same "symptoms", others do not or have their own special "symptoms."

Some of his behaviors exhibited I have not seen - while they may indeed just be him and his own quirks, they could also be one of his symptoms, but may not. You can mention all of them to the doctor(s), just to be sure nothing is overlooked.

So again, your best bet is to work with his doctor(s) to get a firm grip on what is going on. Hopefully it turns out to be something you can treat. If not, best to know for sure and to be well-informed!
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Sorry this has happened to you. Although the suggestions to get a thorough evaluation are right on, be ready for him to refuse. He may insist he doesn't need anything & you all are against him. If this happens, perhaps if he has a chat with a man that he gets along with may convince him to proceed. I know this is politically incorrect, but you do what you gotta do. Also, he may go into actor mode when being evaluated. A good physician won't be fooled, but you never know. Perhaps a short note to the MD briefly stating your observations factually (as you have here) may steer him in the right direction. I go with my mom to her MD appointments & let her do most of the talking, but she tends to put on the happy face. No serious dementia yet, thank goodness but it's coming. She is Sarah Bernhard in front of health care professionals. (I hope most of you know who S.B. is!)
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Sorry this has happened to you. Although the suggestions to get a thorough evaluation are right on, be ready for him to refuse. He may insist he doesn't need anything & you all are against him. If this happens, perhaps a chat with a man that he gets along with may convince him to proceed. I know this is politically incorrect, but you do what you gotta do. Also, he may go into actor mode when being evaluated. A good physician won't be fooled, but you never know. Perhaps a short note to the MD briefly stating your observations factually (as you have here) may steer him in the right direction. I go with my mom to her MD appointments & let her do most of the talking, but she tends to put on the happy face. No serious dementia yet, thank goodness but it's coming. She is Sarah Bernhard in front of health care professionals. (I hope most of you know who S.B. is!)
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Both of your parents need to be under the care of a physician. Your Dad most likely has dementia or even Alzheimer’s. If he’s a smoker, he could not be receiving enough blood flow to his brain. He could have something physically wrong that is causing his odd behavior. Definitely, start with a primary care physician and then a neurologist. Good luck to you.
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It sounds like the elder has vascular dementia.
All of the things he is exhibiting sounds like my daughter's late FIL....going to store for 3 bottles of soda and calling back to his wife to ask "what was I sent for?"-5 TIMES, Pooped his pants in public.  Please check out the neurologist.
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Wow. Do you want answers and resolution? You will need to devote some hard effort to this. You may be alone and opposed all the way. First start with the regular doctor. If you can't speak of the problems in front of dad, write the doctor a note. He will address the problems at the visit. Brace yourself, pray, and speak up without arguing if possible. The doctor will direct you to the necessary meds, doctors, testing. Don't be in denial. This process is hard and takes time. There's tons of waiting and managing appointments etc. But spend your time getting it done. Or you can spend your life doing the impossible by managing without help. Now if a parent gets sick or injured, don't fight hospitalization or ER visits. The hospital can help to evaluate and get appropriate help. Some will say hospitalization makes dementia worse. True, it can. But if it hasnt been diagnosed, hospitalization may expedite you process. If needed allow a social worker to come to the hospital. Your parents may say nothing is wrong with them but find a way to speak up. These are life changing events. Be prepared and enter with caution. Another option is to get some sort of home care prescribed, even a few hours a week. It will help your patents, you, and help with documentation and discovery leading to help.
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cwillie and harpcat

Concerned2180 said the dad is 74, mom is 62 (12 years younger than dad)
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About the "lying." Lying implies intent, that you know what you are saying isn't true. I suspect it's probably confabulation. Basically, he doesn't remember what happened (i.e. he forgot what he went to the shed for, he forgot that you asked him to go to the shed for something, etc.) When you ask him about it, he realizes he doesn't remember. He doesn't want to be embarrassed, so he constructs a plausible explanation. When you think of it this way, maybe it will be less stressful for you because he's not doing it to anger you.
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Conerne2180,

Get your dad to a competent physician! He or she may refer your Dad to a neurologist or some other professional who may be able to give you a diagnosis and a course of treatment. There is nobody on this list who can give you the answer you want and the answer your Dad needs. Nobody on this list, not even a medical professional, can give you any more than a guess. No real professional would do that! If money is an issue start by calling the county Health Department. Then call the phone number they give you and set up an appointment for your Dad. Good Luck!
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When you start reading up about dementia, you'll be surprised at how you recognize the signs and wonder why it took you so long.
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Other behavior traits of dementia displayed by my daughter's FIL-
Immobolity day and night
Weight of 425#
Stomping and pounding his fists for his wife to get his food NOW!
Prostate cancer
Squishing contents of his beer can all over the room for his wife to clean
7 centimeter brain bleed and cause of death - note CENTIMETER
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