What do you say to people who think we should be overwhelmed by Dad's death when we're not?

I cried at Dad's memorial service, I think it was the finality of it. But I'd grieved bit by bit for 13 years of him slipping away, shedding lots of tears along the way. For me, it's a different sort of grief than say, when my MIL passed from us - that was more of a concentrated, right now, intense grief in a short period of time.

I must say that I'm always quite taken aback when I hear that people are offering their opinions on how one is to grieve or feel. That truly is one situation where you don't know what you'd do until you're there, and everyone deals with it in their own unique way.

I would arrange not to know these people anymore.

My mom died a month ago after 2 1/2 years with dementia. I feel like I lost my mother long before her last breath. The last 3 months have been a nightmare for her. A few weeks before she died she said, " I will be glad when this is over, I just want to go home." That was the last coherent thing I heard her say. I have moments of grief -but mostly I am relieved that she is no longer in such a
terrible situation. My parents had been married for 70 years but my dad is now failing, too. It is a terrible to watch people that were so capable become totally incompetent and no longer capable of even accomplishing the smallest tasks.
It is draining to be the person that must accomplish all of those big and small tasks. When people ask me about my feelings over her death - I simply respond I miss my mom and I had been missing her for a long time before her death.

What kind of people would criticize the way someone grieves? Are these your siblings or some other close relative? Anyone else just gets a smile and a non committal I'm just not crying in public - or something similar. It's really not their business. After my dad died, I was very stoic in public, had decisions to help mom make, thank you's to write, relatives to house and feed, so many things to take care of. Dad had been in a vegetative state for a very long time. Talk about losing your dad before his actual death! Whew, it was just a technicality when he actually passed. Like I said, it's no one's business how we grieve.

My sympathies on your loss. It is a blessing when the suffering is over.

Lost, I felt the same way you did when my father died. He had been dying for 10 years, shutting down a little at a time. When he died, I was relieved that his suffering was over. He had said he was ready for the last year or two. It was a very hard wait, watching him die a little more each day. I never talked to others about how I felt relief, though I'm sure most would have understood. It was easier to just accept their condolences without commenting about how I felt. What really mattered, anyway, was how my mother felt in our case. They had been married for 64 years, so it was quite a change for her.

Wow Lost, this sounds like me. Dad took a sudden downturn and was gone in about a week. Then I was so busy taking care of everything for mom paperwork wise that I felt like I didn't have time to grieve.Keeping her on an even keep was my priority. I never really cried. his memorial service is this weekend, and I have to read a poem Mom picked out.. I am afraid that is when I may finally lose it. I also feel like dad is in a better place, and the dad that lived with me for the past 2 years was not really "him" as he would have wanted me to remember him. Luckily I have 2 friends who have been through this that "get it". You are not alone here!

You say, "You keep inferring that I'm not grieving up to your expectations. I loved dad very much. Please don't do that. It's been two years, for heaven's sake."