We're headed for assisted living. Do you have any guidance?

Depending on the type of Assisted Living your dad goes to, see if they have an Activities Director. Speak with that person and let them know about your dad's history (work, hobbies) and hopefully they can engage him to be outside of his room.

We understand the resistance and it is a difficult decision to make but the transition will be smoother if he connects with his peers and the staff.

Update so tomorrow a Nurse Practitioner will come to the house. Honestly I Hope they take him to the hospital to drain the Hydrocele for him which makes it impossible to diaper him and they do a complete neurological eval and blood work as well as possible UTI as his decline has been rapid. So the AL or Nursing home is on hold for now. On another note the lovely new Caregiver they sent me yesterday was amazing !! so there's hope .. I'm just going to take this all one day at a time.. that's all I can do.

Its a hard road and never an easy one I regretted placing my mom in nursing care ,as the nursing care was sub standarded and they brushed me off ,try and get as much home care in as you can then you know you have tried everything before you decide to go into nursing care its not their fault and love your dad I no longer have both my parents.

thanks Dianna61 ,, I cannot quit my job so this all has to fall on in home care and the visits I can manage weekly. its taking a toll ,,, xanex is my constant companion. sorry ,,but think im reaching my breaking point.

Wow, after reading some of these posts, I am so grateful that I found a wonderful AL facility for my mother, she has a real apartment, with a kitchenette (refrigerator, sink and microwave), and excellent care. She can stay there with increasing levels of care until she is either on a feeding tube, permanent IV or ventilator. None of which she wants, it's in writing.

The facility was built by two men who could not find adequate care for their own parents. The owner's parents live there, so the care is excellent, the facility is clean and has great amenities.

Like you, I tried to care for mom at home for almost 4 years. Until her short term memory and cognitive function declined to the point that she could not be left alone for any amount of time, she would panic if I left to go to pick up a pizza. I had home care for working hours, and then she left and the agency could not find an adequate replacement.

To make a long story short, mom is adjusting to AL, I went for a surprise visit this afternoon, and she told me she went to the resident's meeting, and for the first time didn't try to guilt me into bringing her back to my house.

My point with that is, don't feel guilty, your dad will be in good care, and if you continue like you are now, the stress may very will kill you. My health was not great, and now I am so much better, and I can actually just visit and be a daughter again instead of the constant worry and stress.

Good luck!

When I did my search for AL-memory care places for my two friends, I visited 8 or 9 to see what they were like and to find out how much they cost. All were far more expensive than I had ever realized. Most memory care apartments were one small room, hardly large enough for 1 person, let alone a married couple. Only one older place had a choice of two bedroom, one bedroom, or efficiency apartments in the memory care floor and that's where I placed them. The wellness director-nurse visited them at their condo before admitting them to assess their needs and warned me right away that the wife needed to go to the ER to get a calming drug as she could not remain still for a moment. I did that and it helped for the time. This facility assured me my friends would not have to leave as they provided care to the very end, and they did for the wife. They had a hospice nurse visit with me when the time came and explain that next step for her and were diligent in seeing to her needs and care. I was also told that after 18 months of regular payment, they would accept whatever public financing would pay. They had enough income and savings to cover that easily and I can see being able to pay the $7400-$7800 monthly fee for two or three more years yet before starting his veteran's benefits if he is still alive. The staff is used to seeing me show up and ask how he is doing and are observant to any changes. Fortunately he is stable health-wise with no physical ailments other than BP issues and low iron--which is easily addressed. With your situation, I would try to get something in the works quickly. If he is sleeping that much, he could just as well sleep in a memory care apartment as at home. Use his same bed and pillows and familiar furniture to keep it similar to "home." With all that is happening, it is too much for one person to do. And the right place has others to interact with and activities that might help waken his mind a little. Then you will have a chance to recover and get your own life and health in order. Wish you well!!

I work as a caregiver for seniors in their homes to allow them to stay in their home as long as they can. I had cared for my Mom over a year in my home before that, then moving her home. The time your Dad spends alone in a chair sounds depressing. I have a client like that who has shared thoughts of being better off dead. He lives with his daughter but family doesn't have time for extra care he needs. I'm sure that if you found the proper facility for your Dad that his quality of life would be better. A lot of seniors just need companionship to boost their life. I would never feel guilty moving your Dad. I had a man I took care of who is being forced against his will. He's not as bad off as your Dad. I don't agree with that family decision. I agree with what you are thinking. Unless a caregiver was with your Dad daily, an assistant living facility would be better for him.

Thank you TG

My sympathies to everyone and their families and loved ones going thru difficulties in older age. I know it, I've seen it.

A quality retirement-home experience can require advance planning years in advance. Simply put, every one of us will be not as healthy as we are now, or crippled, or developing various mental problems, or just being feeble or whatever.

But I've found that many of the bad situations can avoided or minimized by simply being aware of the future. Of course, nobody can guarantee a successful later life for anyone.

Our living circumstances will necessarily change in unexpected ways. To make the best of being older later, we and our loved ones must take that simple fact into account and just deal with it. (I realize there are bad individual situations that don't work out.)

I'm 67, my wife is 73 - in average to declining health. We put our names on the list at a very nice local nice retirement center 5 years ago, knowing their wait-list for new admissions is very long. My wife and I knew that arrangements for a retirement home were in the future sometime or another. Well and good.

We're very familiar with the retirement center. My sister's in-laws went there, an uncle, my great-aunt who entered when they first opened in the early 70's,and my wife's late mother. And God knows who else. Also my 94 year old stepmother Margaret who is still there now, as alive and as tough and loving as ever - everyone's much-loved elder matriarch.

A few months ago, we re-visited their office, talked a while, and learned our admission date for us is now down to around a year or two, maybe 2019 or so. We reviewed the current pricing and monthly rates, and all that. Everything was higher than before of course, which we expected. My wife and I thought "that's expensive" and it is, but everyone already knows that. It is what it is.

What we all have in common is that we all wanted and planned to live reasonably as best we can. Many of had middle-class incomes in their earning years, a few had much more. Most of the people we know who had/have difficulties in later life are those who were not prepared.

People who prepare mentally have fewer problems and more options. Those who do not prepare tend to have more problems and fewer options.

FEU

He will probably fight assisted care more when you commit him. Keep him at home under professional care.