We're headed for assisted living. Do you have any guidance?

Didgens, that is probably for the best. Dad may or may not like the change. He might be very upset or he might notice there are other people his own age that he can talk to, especially during dinner time. Most Assisted Living will place a new resident with someone who has something in common.

What will be hard is downsizing what Dad will take to his new place. My Dad wanted his 200 books but I asked him to sort through them. The standing joke was Dad was now taking 199 books :) He had room for bookcases, so why not, if it made him happy. I let Dad take whatever was within reason.... no, Dad, your workbench won't fit in your room.

Hopefully your Dad will thrive in his new home, mine did. He was happy as a clam and he didn't need to worry about his house any more. I quickly sold his house and made sure he was part of the whole process.

In my family's experience, moving into an assisted living/memory care home was a blessing! My FIL perked up and was the life of the party for the first year he was there -- he actually got "better" during the first 3-6 months because the home's routine was so much more supportive than we were able to provide in his personal home. He missed very little of his possessions, only wanted his "comfy" clothes and his diplomas/art for on the walls. In his quieter moods, he enjoyed the tv much as he did at home - but on his busier days, he helped staff fold towels/clothes and ran the vacuum cleaner on a regular basis. He liked being "busy" once he felt safe/secure, and told us how great the food was all the time. Think positive - and be ready for a couple surprises :)

Your profile says that your dad has dementia. I suppose that is what is causing the problems you describe. At some point, you really do need a lot of constant assistance, when a person has significant dementia. I think that some people adapt to being in AL. It's difficult to say how a person will react. Their brain is damaged, so they may behave in all kinds of ways. I hope your dad does well.

My LO, who had dementia, did pretty well in AL at first, but, soon it was apparent that she needed a much higher level of care than a regular AL.(Have you discussed what level of care that he will need with the AL?) We moved her to Memory Care and it was the right move. That's where she really seemed to fit in and relax. She seemed to sense that she was somewhere where they knew how to care for her and where other residents shared her condition. 

Will your dad accept the care at AL or resist?  That's one thing that we had a problem. With a regular AL, their staff is not really trained or equipped to manage residents who are refusing baths, refusing meds, totally incontinent, etc.  I was getting a lot of phone calls about her need for more care.  I'd just keep that in mind, so that you are prepared.  AL is great for some, but, with some, their level of care may be higher than what they can provide. 

Please let us know how things go with your dad.

This move to assisted living will be a change for everyone. As having worked in an assisted living facility in the past, I have not met a resident who like it at first due to such a living change from home but let me assure you, with time they all adjust and come around. My thoughts are with you in your transition.

When the day came to move my two friends, a married couple, to their memory care apartment from their condo, another friend took them out for breakfast in a nearby town, then to have their nails done. While they were away, we moved their bedroom and den furniture to their new apartment and set it up just like in their condo. At 2 in the afternoon when they came to their new apartment and saw it looked just like home, the husband sat in his recliner with a sigh of relief and has been happy ever since. He was the one resisting the move, thinking everything was the same as usual and not seeing the changes in his wife with her frontal temporal dementia due to his memory issues. He is still happy two years later. He enjoys his new friends at meal time, then goes back and watches TV and reads the paper. He never was a game player, so doesn't enjoy things like Bingo, or art, though he will listen when someone comes to play the piano. But he's happy. I am grateful for the watchfulness of the care givers and ask them occasionally about any changes they might see. Every encounter is recorded in writing and a doctor visits him once a month to check. He is physically healthy and still smart, but without short term memory, cannot function in the outside world without help any longer. Good luck on your move. We used Adult Protective Services to get the ball rolling and when they did the wellness check after my call, I was able to get their car keys and move their car out of their possession since both had lost their licenses but did not remember about that. They were able to live independently another 6 months or so before the wife needed 24 hour care due to her incontinence and wandering. She passed away about 5 months later.  Best of luck with taking care of Dad. Perhaps you could do the same and take him out to eat once everything is in place for the move and not take him back home but to his new apartment.

the one place I did go look at today had 3 levels of care and rooms. one was just a regular living space with a "kitchenette". the others were studio and kitchenette with Memory Care ,, boy did that BUMP UP THE PRICE !!! to the tune of 3k extra a month ,, WOW .. so I keep looking.

You have to do what's best for your father, especially since he was such a great daddy. At this point I think placement is what is best for him. AL? Memory Care? Nursing home? You will get help in evaluating what kind of care center will work best. And that may change over time. Just keep reminding yourself, this is what is best, and he deserves the best!

I agree with all of the above.

Let me just add: trust the staff. They have tons of experience with every aspect of this transition.

I didn't believe that my mom would adjust. They told me she would--and she did. She loves her AL now. She also sleeps all day and doesn't do much, won't leave the building. But she loves her creature comforts and that is paramount to her.

It took me two years of gentle prodding to get mom to move into assisted living. We'd visited several, ate at a few, discussed it endlessly. She moved in two weeks ago, and she's done a real 180 turn in her mood, health, energy level, the way she dresses, her eating habits, even her doting on the cats!

She'd come to the point where she really wasn't leaving the house except when necessary - sometimes not even going down for the mail, which used to be a highlight. Her eating habits were awful, there was nothing she liked and ate more cookies that anyone should. She doted on those cats, her entire day revolved around them and what they would eat. She spent 8-10 hours a day - no exaggeration - sitting in front of the computer playing solitaire or online jigsaw puzzles. She'd stopped visiting or having visitors. Her self-esteem was at an all-time low, a lot of it because of the word loss that has come with early Alzheimers.

What helped move things along was having her visit with the resident "ambassadors" there, uber-friendly folks who had a meal with her and talked to her about what life there as like.

Two weeks later: Her new apartment (bedroom, living room, kitchen - with no stove) is sunny and decorated with her own stuff. She has welcomed visitors - family and friends. She looks forward to her meals because of the company at the table and the quality of the food. Normally very shy, she is branching out and facing her fears - taking trips into town with the group, checking out things she used to look down on like beading classes or knitting groups, and had the most delightful time when a group of kids came to visit and hang with the "olds."

This was the best decision we could have made. What I didn't expect is that I am having a harder time with the transition than she is. I'm the one having difficulty letting go of control of her meds, control of everything.

I used to call daily, just to make sure she'd eaten, had gotten dressed, etc. Now, if she doesn't come for a meal, someone comes to find her, and they come find her in the evening to give her her meds. So, at least 4 times a day, someone competent is laying eyes on her. This has been a more difficult change for me than for her on the one hand, on the other, I know she's safe, well-fed, has good company, and is happy.

Hope that is helpful.

Wow, after reading some of these posts, I am so grateful that I found a wonderful AL facility for my mother, she has a real apartment, with a kitchenette (refrigerator, sink and microwave), and excellent care. She can stay there with increasing levels of care until she is either on a feeding tube, permanent IV or ventilator. None of which she wants, it's in writing.

The facility was built by two men who could not find adequate care for their own parents. The owner's parents live there, so the care is excellent, the facility is clean and has great amenities.

Like you, I tried to care for mom at home for almost 4 years. Until her short term memory and cognitive function declined to the point that she could not be left alone for any amount of time, she would panic if I left to go to pick up a pizza. I had home care for working hours, and then she left and the agency could not find an adequate replacement.

To make a long story short, mom is adjusting to AL, I went for a surprise visit this afternoon, and she told me she went to the resident's meeting, and for the first time didn't try to guilt me into bringing her back to my house.

My point with that is, don't feel guilty, your dad will be in good care, and if you continue like you are now, the stress may very will kill you. My health was not great, and now I am so much better, and I can actually just visit and be a daughter again instead of the constant worry and stress.

Good luck!