Well meaning family signing my mom out of NH for Thanksgiving. Any advice?

Great it all went well. I was hoping, a little, that there would be a problem so everyone could see what caring for Mom was like. But good it worked out for your peace of mind.

Ok Genai, how did it go for Mom?

You know what my mindset use to be "if I worry than everything will go alright" I don't think this way anymore. Please, enjoy your TG and try not to worry. She will be with other people too, so safety in numbers. Their are some people who take everything in stride. What you worry about they don't and things seem to work out.

GenaiDay, no you are not worrying too much when it comes to covid.

I've heard some families are asking visitors to do a covid test before coming to the gatherings on Thanksgiving and also for Christmas. I've seen plenty of test kits at the local pharmacy.

Plus, if the nursing home was concerned this season about covid, they wouldn't allow your Mom to leave. Does the nursing home require their residents to be up-to-date on covid booster shots and the flu shot?

DO NOT lift a finger to help them when it goes sideways. Do not!
This is a lesson they need to learn.

You don't need to worry about it. They don't even speak to you. So let them take her out of the NH for Thanksgiving. You're responsible for any of it. It's all on the family who's doing this and it soundsto me like a bad idea.

Their choice, let them deal with it all. I doubt that she will have any major setbacks due to this.

I would stay out of it all. Le them change her diapers and do whatever is necessary.

You, go about enjoying your holidays!

I found out my LO had been taken out by a family member when NH called to let me know she had left AND that they had helped get her in the car. Seriously? Calling to let me know?? (This is after I had said to the NH on several previous occasions there was a person in our circle who is not wrapped too tightly and would be someone who would try to take LO out impulsively without consideration for consequences. ) They knew or should have known that this could happen.

So I'm thinking she was AT LEAST a 2 person assist getting out of the wheelchair and into the car. Not sure how (or even "if") she was able to get out of the car at the intended destination. They also left without the wheelchair. Didn't take a list of meds in case of emergency. Didn't even ask if any meds would be due while they were out of the facility. Didn't take incontinence pads. Didn't take change of clothes. You get the picture.

Person who did this never believed it that a NH was truly necessary and my LO really wasn't "that bad off", etc. I was pooh-poohed and painted as heartless for putting Marge away for "no reason" other than I supposedly didn't want to be bothered anymore....., etc. etc. etc.

She did come back a couple of hours later - might have even been less. It seemed like forever is what I remember.

The person who took her that day, never attempted it again. I never got the full story on how it went, but it was never tried again. Object lesson.

GenaiDay, let's think positive that your Mom will enjoy herself and everything will go smoothly. And you are packing extra clothing, pads, etc. for her, as you previously mentioned.

When you think about it, it's probably no different than Grandparents wanting to take an young Grandchild out to visit others. There all that extra packing, too. Plus all that worrying by the child's parent.

Yes, there is a difference between an elder and a child, usually in size, but the problem is parallel.

I doubt it'll be a life-threatening event for her. It won't be fun for anyone, but that's their prerogative.

There's nothing more educational than forcing someone to go hands-on with caregiving for a day.

I'd say this is a MYOB moment if you don't have POA.

They don't speak to you? Count your blessings and have a truly happy Thanksgiving. With any luck, they won't be speaking to you at Christmas either.

Well, is she allowed to go out with others. When my Daddy was in a home I had POA and no one had permission to take him out only me. If she is of full mine and body then its her choice. Anyway, let the family members do this, no need to worry because she will most likely "showtime" and no one will be in trouble or she need the assistance and the family won't do it again.

Whose decision is this to make? I take it it's your mother's, as in they invited her, she accepted the invitation, they have made arrangements to come and collect her, take her out for the day, deliver her back to the NH?

The impractical aspects of it are their problem and apart from a discreet chuckle in your sleeve you needn't give it a thought. But of more concern are a) failure to realize how physically exhausting a whole day of social engagement can be for a frail elder and b) potential injuries from moving and handling errors.

So... Who exactly has planned this particular project in its details? Anyone?

I think it good Genai will not be there. It means they can not rely on her to help. If she is incontinent, bet they forget they need to have Depends handy and wipes. Maybe a bib so she does not get food all over herself. I hope its not hours away and they have to turn around almost as soon as they get there.

If you have not cared for someone with Dementia, you have no idea what goes into that care. This will be a learning experience for the rest of the family. They will hopefully realize why you could not take care of Mom anymore.

I so hope your are glad u weren't invited. You know they would have expected you to do for her. Have a great Thanksgiving and don't worry about Mom. This is a choice "well meaning family" made. Let them deal with it. If they call for help, say sorry I am busy with my own family. You chose to take her out of the NH and by doing that she is ur responsibility. People learn by experiencing. Bet they never do it again.

Unless you are actually concerned for your mother's safety, I say let your relatives be responsible and refuse to bail them out.

If someone signs her out they will be the responsible person to care for her while she is under their supervision.
If you are going to be at the same family gathering you sit back and do not aid the "do gooders" that want to have mom for Thanksgiving.
Between 10 minutes and 30 minutes after mom arrives and she wants to "go home" because she is up set, confused, anxious simply say..."Sorry, I can't take her home right now I have had a glass of wine and I should not drive for a few hours"

Let them have their time with her. Easier for others to step in for 1/2 a minute and back away again. Gives both of them a diff experience. Nothing to feel guilty about.

I think it's almost impossible for strangers on the internet to assess, whether this is the right thing or not, in evaluating the key factors of the family's capabilities vs her needs, and how much this would mean to your Mother and the family. At worst, it could be a complete disaster, and at best it could be the kind of experience that keeps her going, makes what she's been through worthwhile. There's no way for me to know.

Thanksgiving in the dining area of the NH, a "blowout" waiting to happen Lol

Have you said to them something like, It is so thoughtful of you to invite Mom for thanksgiving -- Please let me know if you'd like detailed information about the kinds of assistance she needs these days, I'm not sure when was the last time you saw her outside of the facility but there have probably been some changes since then.

-- or something!! and then let it go.

If asked what you think, be honest. If they still chose to do it, thats on them. Do not get involved in any way. Let them see what it is like to care for someone in Moms position. Leave it all up to them. Do not offer any help. Let them ask for it. Hopefully they will see what is involved in caring for the elderly. Yep, she will want to go home within the hour of her getting there.

Some people have to learn the hard way - even if it's a total disaster I doubt that it's actually dangerous for her so step back and let the chips fall where they may.
(And I'd make sure you aren't available as the back up plan)

Our family always brought my mom home for a few hours on holidays. It was a lot of work! She was completely paralyzed, totally dead weight, could not assist in any transfer in any way. She was in depends, and could talk only in a limited way. She adored being in her home though. The NH staff put her in the car and loaded the wheelchair. From there it was all on us, my husband was usually the one to transfer her from the car to the wheelchair to bring her into the house. One time, she felt insecure while getting moved and grabbed my husband the first place she could reach, which happened to be a handful of chest hair right near his neck. He screeched and she just laughed so hard. We all loved it! Once, we put her on the bed for me to change her, again she couldn’t help in any way, and I was fumbling around like a fool trying to get it done. She and I both laughed at the absurdity of the entire situation. For us, it was worth doing, even though it’s definitely not easy, at all. I hope your relatives realize the size of the job and find it doable. If they don’t, rest assured they won’t repeat it and do it again.

Are you POA for mom? Or are you simply concerned? If this isn't YOUR responsibility, then I'd let it go. I'm sure it comes from a place of love, even if mom doesn't really want it.

So many factors go into moving a LO to a family gathering--we all assume they'll be so happy to be with the family--but in truth, many elderly do NOT enjoy large gatherings with lots of people.

We had mom to our home for Christmas a few years ago (pre-covid). She had to be carried up the stairs by my Sons in Law. She sat in one chair, was served brunch and watched the gkids open their gifts. After >90 minutes she was exhausted and wanted to go home. I think it took her a week to 'get over' the stress that being in a small house with a lot of people caused. She never came to my home again.

My MIL would rather undergo torture than be with a large or even small family group. She is so panicky all the time. Always has been, but being in groups of more than 4 she freaks out.

Both mom and MIL lived alone and liked their 'silent' lives. Mother has passed and frankly, I am kind of grateful b/c she would have not enjoyed the holidays at all. MIL will spend all holidays locked in her house. She might let DH and SIL in, but then again, she may not.

Someone needs to ASK mom what she truly wants and not make her feel guilty for saying 'no, I'm just not up for that'.

Do you not have a list of approved people who can sign mother out of the nursing home on file with the front desk/nursing station?? Anyone not on the approved list cannot sign a resident out, period.

That's how I would handle this chaos....get this list on file immediately, along with oral notice that only the POA is to take her out, providing it is YOU who hold POA. If not, then you hold no power to create such a list.

Most people who aren't directly involved with compromised elders have NO CLUE what it'll be like to take the woman out for "a fun holiday". God help them.

They are not well meaning. If they were They would take into account moms limitations and have Thanksgiving with her at the nursing home. They are going to do what they do. Just don't get involved or bail them out when they can't handle mom. Enjoy your Thanksgiving.