Welcoming tips for holiday gatherings? Narcissistic mom with dementia attacks me in public.

To: RichCapableSon,

I'm glad you had a nice mom who adored you. Seriously though the bit about women loving little girls like crazy, and dementia or not they love children. That's outrageous and totally ridiculous.

Dude, clearly you have not met my mother. In my family unit the sun shone out of my brother's every orifice and he was the Messiah to her. My sister and I were pretty much useless. I was the family scapegoat and took the abuse. If I took the slightest pride in some achievement or exhibited the tiniest glimmer of self-esteem and confidence, my mother would grind that right down to dust. The smallest imperfections or flaws had to be highlighted and pointed out every time and repeatedly. And, last but not least I could never put a morsel of food in my mouth without a double-helping of mom's public shaming and chastisement for dessert.
It's a miracle that I didn't grow up and become a drug addict or alcoholic.
I was not a little girl that was loved like crazy. I grew up in so much gaslighting, scapegoating, and mental abuse that I almost went crazy. Not the same thing though.

RichCapableSon--Surely you realize that the brain does not, and cannot, always heal itself. There are traumatic brain injuries (caused by outside forces as an accident) and non-traumatic brain injuries. Unlike other organs, the brain cannot replace cells. Infections in the brain are usually treated with antibiotics.

Alzheimer's is a non-traumatic injury, demonstrable, usually, by CT scan. Some types of CVA (stroke) can be helped with long-term therapy, but it is considered to be healthy brain cells "learning" new functions. Hemorrhagic strokes, (bleeding into the brain) usually cover a wider-spread area and have a poor prognosis. Alzheimers is a degenerative disease, an ultimately fatal one, the cause of which is not fully understood.

I'm not an MD, but I've worked with brain injured patients for many years and never known of anyone with Alzheimer's show anything but fleeting improvement (usually due to medication). Sadly, its a degenerative process. Please feel free to research this subject further with any reliable medical source.

bundleofjoy,

I think you nailed it right there. It sure sounds like RichCapableSon is inventing some things.

Maryjann,
Thank-you for your kind words. No, life has not brought me many comforts or any really. What is has given me is an uncanny insight into human behavior.

I would be very tempted to say, I had no idea you felt that way. I guess we will be finding a new caregiver that you feel is competent. Anyone here looking for this position? Because I am obviously a very poor choice for mthr and this is my 2 week notice. I am terribly sorry mom, we will get you someone you can love and not feel this way towards.

What she is doing is abusive and you shouldn't continue to let her get away with it. Maybe, just maybe, she will stop if she thinks you are quitting because of her vile mouth. My dad got off on humiliating people and I would turn the tables as often as possible. He learned that he could very well be the humiliated one if he pulled this abuse with me. He actually thought he was funny. That's what narcs do.

I am surprised in light of Covid that you are bringing your mother into such a large public gathering. This is a good year to keep her home. Everybody will certainly understand. You will now have set a precedence for not bringing mom to large family gatherings and as her disease progresses, these large gatherings will be more and more difficult for her to manage. Let the family members visit her in smaller groups. That way she can enjoy each and everyone of them and you are no longer in the hot seat.

I have no doubt that RichCapableSon has a good relationship with his patients. He doesn't have to live with them. He doesn't have to deal with their day-to-day problems. And he doesn't have a painful history with them since childhood. He probably doesn't have to take the blame for any or all parental "slights" and suffering as some adult children do. He may not have to repeatedly interrupt his normal activities for their multiple crises.

He has some good techniques for dealing with older people in general. These suggestions are especially valuable for professionals or occasional visitors... and sometimes for family members, too.

Yes, it's true that not all people with Alzheimer's are non-stop angry or vindictive. But their care is generally difficult, especially as the disease progresses. I did not have narcissistic parents. But I certainly admire the many strong caregivers who visit this site, coping with great personal difficulties, yet reaching out to others with encouragement and compassion.

I have had to tell my husband he will stay home if he can’t be more respectful to me. I do a lot for him and don’t feel a bit bad leaving his butt at home if not pleasant!