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My grandmother is a 65 year old lady who has a house. She lives with my mother and she rents a room to an old man (he is 92 years old) who has lived with her for 10 years. She decided to rent the room because the ex asked for that favor before he died since my grandmother worked with them in the past and she had them and still has appreciation. The problem is that for two years he has shown signs of dementia, he says that he looks at people in his room, he speaks, he talks to them by himself, screams at night, hits the walls, at night he doesn't let anyone in the house sleep, he smokes all day and the house smells like cigarettes and my grandmother is tired. She has been patient, she has talked to him and listens to him and has made doctor's appointments but he never attends and when he attends he behaves normally in front of the doctors but at home it is a headache. He does not take the medicine that the doctors prescribe, grandmother thinks because he has dementia and that's why the doctor gave those pills. My grandmother is not at peace and she is afraid. During the quarantine I was also afraid because I lived in my grandmother's house and he said that those people wanted him to kill my cats and since that time we hid the cats from him, we do not know what to do? Help or recommendations please

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Tell him Grandma and anyone else is going away for a few weeks (minimum two ideally more) and you have arranged for him to go somewhere for respite so he will be looked after whilst you are away. (You don't have to go, just be unavailable apart from to staff in emergency). Tell them your suspicions, and ask them to get an assessment done if they feel it necessary. He can't keep up an act for an extended period and they will be used to the subtle signs. After that sorry my suggestions end - it is getting to that point you need, so you and Grandma can make decisions based on the information you get back. Good luck.
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What a great grandchild your Grandma has. Looking out for her. Very cool Everyone has advice for free. However, like you said, your Grandma has her reasons for keeping the man there. You could have a sit down with your Grandma and tell her what the people here suggested...talking to a lawyer about evicting the man from the house, calling the government services for seniors about what choices the man might have to move to. how about talking to the Grandmas friend at the same sit down and explaining to him the concerns. every single problem has a solution (even when we don't think it does :) And every choice has a price. Grandma might get a little more lonely when the man moves out..probably will. So maybe you and your family could visit her a little more often then. Or ask her over to visit. Stay sweet
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Well, guys ... I've had this experience. I appreciate the responses that the 'roommate' is a 'burden' on all involved--that is REAL. And/but, reality and fact is: this is a human being at the end of their lives. Cranky, smokes, etc., etc. AND, he's also incredibly cool and has amazing history and experiences. And ... I'm him. I will die alone and am a burden to everyone. I'm cold, sad, scared, and hungry. Maybe it takes more than one, two, individuals. But dammit, having seen it, I think I must go outside of myself and work for systemic change and taking the time to do everything at my disposable to connect this 90 y/o man with everything out there to be with and support him, to love and comfort and support him.
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Be careful of her personal possessions because the nurses won't know what is whose and if there is jewelry or watch or even cash, be sure to appropriate it, Friend of ours died in nursing home recently and her son called us, after receiving her personal stuff from nurses, to see if we recognized a diamond ring that was in her stuff. We never had seen it before and he contacted the room mate's daughter and asked if her mother had a ring and she described it perfectly, so he sent it to her. But it could have ended differently!
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Does he have any family members? If so, contact them and let them know that he will have to be moved out or contact office of aging to see what you can do legally to get him admitted to a facility where they can care for him. Not sure what else, maybe some others have suggestions, but I am sure she is just exhausted from all the drama........and then to have smoking in the house........not good. wishing you luck.
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Imho, the lodger needs to leave. Your grandmother has no obligations to the lodger.
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Davenport Feb 2021
Llamalover, easy to say. Yeah, legally grandma has no legal obligation. But what most of our discussions and concerns are about aren't technical legal stuff; I mostly appreciate and benefit from hearing about folks' emotional and practical discussions. 'The "lodger" needs to leave' doesn't give me much comfort. I already KNOW the 'lodger needs to leave'. Now what? With respect : )
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Your grandmother is not obligated to rent a room to any one. He is a renter. The room is no longer available. It would be kind and generous of your grandmother to try to arrange senior services referrals to help this man, but she needs to move him OUT of her house.
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sunshinelife Mar 2021
there are laws that protect any one who pays rent. If the man won't agree to move voluntarily, they will have to take eviction action, which isn't fast or easy...And live with the man while its going on. "a drop of honey gains more than 2 gallons of vinegar"
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I do not know the answer but I would most definitely speak with an eldercare attorney and I would contact Adult Protective Services and the Office on Aging. I would find a way to remove him from the premises - sooner than later. Get going.
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I agree with all the posters --- Grand Mom's safety is paramount and this lodger needs to go. You might want to check and see if your town, county or state have a free legal advice for your Grand Mom so that in getting this person out of her house you don't have problems down the road. Check to see if there are any legal documents (lease, rental agreement, a rent book documenting his rent payments) and, if possible, see if you can video/auto recording of one of his "rants" prior to calling anyone. I would then proceed to call Adult Protective Service (APS) you may have to "push" them a bit because like most places they are understaffed and since he is not living on the streets, he is not in imminent danger to himself but push. Also call your local police department (if a call doesn't work, make a personal visit.... be sweet but persistent) in that your Grand Mom is in danger (this is where the video will come in handy). They might be able to get him into a local hospital for a 72 hour psych evaluation but that is sometimes dependent on where you live.

Change the locks immediately that this man leaves the house regardless of where he goes and put extra security on any low windows. If possible put up some house security camera. If he does have an diagnosis of dementia, depending on how far gone his memory is at this point, he could remember the house and come back to it so vigilance will be needed.

Sending prayers and hugs to you and your Grand Mom during this difficult time.
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Your grandmother owes him NOTHING! Her safety comes first and foremost.

Contact a lawyer to see what can legally be done to remove this man from her home and keep out of harm’s way.
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Geez--I am 65 (nearly) and I cannot FATHOM allowing this to go on in my home.

Calling APS and yes, even the police would not go amiss.

She needs him OUT, like, yesterday.

I've found that when someone 'thinks' someone else suffers from dementia or some such disorder, they aren't far off the mark.

Even at 92, this man could definitely have the strength to hurt your grandma. I hope you help her get him out. Your are going to need to change the locks and maybe put up some outside security cameras and be more vigilant about g-ma's safety.
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Can someone in the house record some of the odd behavior? You need to have a record of what goes on. Especially at a time where he is getting out of hand and you need to call 911. It would be helpful for the EMT's to know/see what was going on before they arrived.

Look up the meds that he is refusing to take to find out what they are prescribed for. The full bottle that was filled a month ago will also tell the EMT (and others) that he is not taking medicine that was filled some time back.

Call anyone in his family if he has family left. They need to make arrangements for him and get him moved. Your g'mother has allowed him to rent a room all this time, but even as a long time family friend, she is under no obligation to care for him for the remainder of his days. Under different circumstances - like he maintained his health - it may have worked out to last for his lifetime, but that is not the case any longer. He needs to be with his own family or in facility care.
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As this person is not family related to your grandmother its time for his family if there is any to step in and care for the 92 year old man. If he has been diagnosed with dementia then the court can intervene and assign his a legal guardian whether a family member or a court appointed person. Wondering if he is a Vet. If so the VA can intervene. Your grandmother needs her health and peace of mind for her own care for her elder years. God bless, Cecilia
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Oh, my. Grandma is not going to be in trouble for calling for calling 911 when the guy is screaming or hitting walls in the middle of the night! The guy goes to the hospital and isn’t allowed back. PERIOD. I have two friends whose husbands had dementia. One tried to strangle his wife in the middle of the night. The other broke through a locked door with a carving knife. He was standing over his wife when she suddenly woke up. Both went to the hospital and were not allowed to come back. While he’s in the hospital, Grandma can pack his things and figure out what she owes him on the rent. If she is scared, the time to act is NOW.
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A few questions.
Does he have family?
If not then APS might be a place to start.
Grandma can not care for him and it is not her responsibility to do so.
Or one night as he is pounding on the walls and yelling call 911 and say that you are frightened as to what he might do. Tell the dispatcher that the man may have dementia or other undiagnosed altered mental state.
Does he have a lease?
If not a 30 day notice. If he leaves willingly great...BUT
You probably can not evict him at this time due to COVID many areas have prohibited that.
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gdaughter Feb 2021
Your grandma and her family while kind, are contributors to this mess. Which is irrelevant and not meant to cast blame, but there is a reality Grandma1954 has conveyed to all this. I agree with contacting Adult Protective, for your main role here is to protect the well-being of your own grandma. Clearly this person needs help and to be out of your grandma's house asap. And I'm not clear if you are still there or not.. If you can afford to, I'd also check in with an elder law attorney to make sure you don't make any expensive mistakes in the process, and then you can also make sure Grandma's paperwork is in good order as well. I would also gives a heads up about the situation to the local city police and fire. Not only might they have some suggestions, but they'd probably appreciate the heads up in re to a potential 911 call they might receive down the road....I'd also be wanting to make sure Grandma is safe and has a lock on her bedroom door. You'll want to make sure you have an extra key. Also check with the city to see if they loan/rent out knox/lock boxes....that way they have easy access to a key to get into the house in an emergency as a secure box only they have a key to is outside the house and holds keys to get in. You'll want to add one for grandma's bedroom as well. I'm guessing this guy has way more health problems besides dementia possibly. take good care and thanks for being a good granddaughter.
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He needs to go. Consider calling the police since he is a threat to your grandmother and anybody who stays or visits her.
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GI've him a 30 Day Moving Notice.

Help him find a Senior place to live.

Next time he has screaming spells or hallucinations, call 911 and let them know they need to take him to the hospital that you are afraid he is going to hurt himself or you.

Onice the Hospital has him, they might have him observed for 24 hrs in a mental ward or a Dr will check him out in the hospital and confirm dementia, ect.
The Important main thing here to remember is DO NOT Let him return to your home.

Tell the Hospital that you can no longer take care of him and they need to find him a Senior Place for him to live.

Again, Do Not check him out or agree he can go back to your house, even if they say it's just while they look for placement for him.

Tell them again that he would not be safe at your home, you are not able to care for home and his outbursts could hurt himself or you.
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I may not look at this as helping a friend but more like he is a boarder. If grandmom had advertised for a roommate and the man answered the ad this would be looked at differently. But in the long run the man needs help. Calling Adult Protection Services is what needs to be done. And grandmom needs to be firm that she cannot take care of this man. That he will need to become a Ward of the state since there are no family members to take on the responsibility.
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Your grandmother is not obligated to honor this man's request. Indeed, without him assigning her as his Power of Attorney or her having guardianship for him, she LEGALLY won't be able to represent him medically or financially. As he declines both mentally and physically she will be overwhelmed and they will both suffer. Get your grandmother to contact APS and report him as a vulnerable adult. People with dementia can go through a phase where they can become violent or sexually aggressive. Social services will get him the care he needs and your grandmother will get her life back.
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Go online and look up Adult Protective Services for your grandmother's hometown. There will be a telephone number to call for advice.

Your grandmother is not obliged to take responsibility for this elderly gentleman's care no matter how long their friendship, and in fact because she doesn't have any formal connection with him it's probably a very bad idea for her to try.

You say that he won't take his medications, but that must mean that he does have a doctor and must have seen the doctor not that long ago, so it would also be sensible to report what is happening to that doctor. Just remember that although the doctor can accept your reports, the doctor can't tell you anything about the patient because of confidentiality laws (not even that the gentlemen IS their patient), so don't be surprised if you don't receive any acknowledgement - it doesn't mean the information is being ignored.

Because the gentleman has been paying rent to your grandmother she can't just kick him out of the house; there will be legal steps she has to take if that becomes necessary. But in any case the priority is to get him help, not to get rid of him - I expect your grandmother thinks so?
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