We are caring for my mom, and my husband resents it. He "didn't sign up for this." IDK what to do. It puts me in the middle.

When you married, your spouse most likely assumed that he would be your top priority person in his life. He probably committed to putting your needs above everybody else's. Now, your mom is taking time and resources that he wasn't expecting to invest at this point in his life. Your husband has some valid concerns. He "has" to share his home and his time in ways he doesn't want to. I would suggest that it would be worth the time and investment for you and hubby to meet with a counsellor to discuss your mom's needs, each of your needs, and make plans to make adjustments.

Yikes! Dementia and chronic back pain....I feel for all of you. You may not feel it now, however, it will continue to get worse; incontinence, feeding, bathing, cannot get out of bed, needs help to get out of bed

Kudos to your husband to make her lunch, dinner and laundry. You have no idea how refreshing it is to hear of a male that is actively involved in the care of his in-laws.

Assuming that your Mom is not a wanderer, I would suggest you look into an Assisted Living Center for her. That way, it gets her out of the house and provides reliable primary and backup care. I suggest that you still see her, everyday if possible, If she is able, in Assisted Living, she can make new friends and have daily activities. Because she does have dementia, make sure wherever you choose, also has a Memory Care facility. Find out if the people in AL get preferred placement in MC, when the time comes.

If your Mom is a wanderer, you will need to place her in MC

It is highly likely that wherever you choose to place her will have a waiting list.

While you are waiting and getting ready, see if you can take her to senior day care for some of the days of the week. See if you can hire caregivers so that you and your husband can have "date" nights .

Another option would be to purchase or rent a small condo for Mom to live in and hire caregivers to help take care of her when you are not around. I've heard of people doing long term stays in hotel rooms because of housekeeping service.

I wish you luck on this phase of the journey.

He’s right. He didn’t. Who comes first? What kind of state will your marriage be in when your mother dies? Why are you keeping her at home?

Its a Blessing in many ways but can be a detriment to your marriage, relationship with your mom and family/friends. Was your husband asked how he felt about caring for her before she moved in? Is there a reason you have your mom at your home? Inheritance, you feeling an obligation as her daughter?? He is retired and worked hard to get there and I can see how after 2 yrs of caring for her, he may be resentful. He is unable to enjoy his retirement fully. With dementia your mom could live another 10 yrs. without a fatal illness. Is this what you want to be doing when you are retired? You have to think about you too. Her dementia will only progress to where she eventually needs 24 hour care. You will need to take turns leaving the house. If sundowner begins, who will stay up all night to watch her? You love your mom dearly and already have done so much for her. Would she want you to forgo your marriage, work, health or retirement to care for her full-time? You do have to think about your retirement together and mental and emotional well being. When someone cares for a loved one full-time it changes the dynamics of your relationship with them, spouse, family and friends. With her receiving care elsewhere, you can have that loving mom and daughter relationship without the struggles you have or will have dealing with the progression of dementia. I cared for my mom and mother-in-law for a couple years. They had cancer and not dementia. Sad to say, we knew there time on earth was not long. With my 94 yr old father-in-law and dementia for 4 yrs now it is progressing. Dr wants 24 hour care. I'd love to have him with us as I do go over to stay with him for a week occasionally. However, I know the difficulties it will bring us with his incontinence, repeating constantly his words, anxious all the time, reminding him constantly to use his walker or to not do this and that. It's like having an adult toddler. I'm 62 and husband 74 own oyr business from home. We want to retire and to be able to enjoy it. We could not if we have him live with us. Right now we can't do what we want for more than a day as we are watching him. My husband as an only child is depending on the inheritance to help with our retirement. His dad could live another 5 yrs or more. My husband will be 79!! What if he doesn't make it to 79! He will not put him in assistant care. It's destroying our marriage, we are stressed and exhausted by the end of a work day. It's awful. I love his dad and it hurts to see him struggle but I live in reality and his safety and well being are #1. I too, am ready to leave because of the stress involved that could be solved for all of us in one decision. Find a good place for him to be safe, loved and cared for by the professionals! Good Luck and I will pray for you and your family. PS. Educate yourself by reading about the disease, going to caregiver and dementia classes, posting like you are now for helpful advice.

understandable on your husband's part and hurtful on your part! it's you mother and she took care of you growing up but when we are married we do owe putting our spouses first. if she has been there for two years and is getting worse then it's time to get her help! check out good nursing homes - you don't want your mother to be in one that mistreats her. this way you can see her anytime and you have your life back. God Bless You

SueDee: As your marriage is your priority, perhaps your mother requires managed care facility living.

Cover909, I’ve just read through this thread. Your profile says that you are caring for ‘someone’, and that you are ‘currently in a NH for rehab’. Chances are that you are the ‘someone’ in the NH. You don’t like it, so you think that there has to be a ‘better way’.

I don’t think anyone who needs care really wants to be in a NH, so perhaps you could point out the ‘better way’. Otherwise it is a meaningless comment, which sounds like criticism of the people who made the difficult choice. You say it quite regularly (twice on this thread). At lest you don’t blame it on the Bible. Margaret

Cover909 wrote:
“Facility placement should be a last last resort after every other option has been exhausted.”

I agree. And OP probably agrees, too.

I also see that OP never came back after posting the question. Are you OK, OP? Did you find a solution?

Couple's Counseling? Geriatric Psychologist? Both?

Put her in respite care or hire a caregiver to stay with her and go on a vacation for a couple weeks or go away every weekend for a break .

You have to respect your husband's feelings and capabilities, and you both are also entitled to have lives of your own. Your mother's condition is likely to decline over time, requiring more and more care. My mother with advanced dementia got to a point where she couldn't do anything for herself and was not verbal. She had to be fed (soft foods), put in a wheel chair to be moved around, bathed, dressed, toileted, etc. She was like this for at least 2 years. She was in a memory care unit where aides and nurses took very good care of her, she had appropriate activities and people around at all times. Look into getting breaks for yourselves by hiring home aides to take over while to go for a vacation or do things. If you have "strangers" coming into your home, be sure to lock up your valuables and financial papers. If that's not feasible, perhaps adult day care centers can provide some relief. As a last resort, if things get to be too much for you and your husband, consider a memory care facility for your mother. If you do this, try to find one close to you so that you can visit often and oversee her care.

My mom lived in our home for 14 years and it took a toll on all of us, including my mother!

I feel that you are treading on thin ice here and this situation will not get better as time goes by. In fact, it will only get worse.

My husband is the most calm, chill guy ever. He supported me throughout my caregiving days.

DH felt that I caught the brunt of everything and he showed great compassion.

Still, seeing me care for mother day in and day out, took a huge toll on him. I was glad when he finally expressed his feelings about how he felt.

Our talk prompted me to seek therapy to sort out my feelings about the amount of care that my mother required and how it was affecting my marriage.

My husband hated seeing me dealing with anxiety and depression.
Trust me, these things spill over into our spouse’s lives.

Yes, a parent needs sufficient care, but we as their child, nor a spouse deserve to be burdened with this responsibility. A spouse will start to grieve for the life they once had with their wife.

Mom went to live with my brother and SIL for awhile and the stress began to take a toll on them too.

A decision was made to place mom in an ‘end of life’ hospice care home. She received the care that she needed and we were able to visit her as her children instead of being her caregivers. She died peacefully at age 95.

What a blessing this was for all of us, including my mother. Mom hated being a burden on her family.

Think about it, we inadvertently teach our parents to become solely dependent upon us.

Yes, our intentions were good but the reality is that we find ourselves in a situation where we are in way over our heads. The relationship suffers and becomes unhealthy.

Grandma1954 August 2, 2023 7:45 am
I get it.
Probably his plan was that when he retired you would as well, or at least shortly after and you could to all the things that you always said you wanted to do.
Is there a reason that she is not in Memory Care? Is it because you work from home and he is retired so the "help" she needs is there?
Is it possible that you hire a caregiver, or better place mom in Memory Care for a Respite Stay and you and your husband take a Vacation.
Mom will be cared for and you just might find that she does well, (of course she is going to want to "go home" and she may not be happy for a while but she will adjust) If you decide that Memory Care is a better place for her, for you, for your husband then she can stay.
(Just realized I started this early this morning, I had to leave to Volunteer, today is my Baking Day at Hospice. It is now 11:53 am.)

Of course your husband is resentful, you married him not your mom right?
He needs to be your number one priority, and because you're having to spend way too much time caring for your mom he is not.
It's time to get your priorities back in order. Husband and marriage first, children(if applicable)second, grandchildren(again if applicable)third, and then any parent(s).
And of course you know the answer to getting your priorities in order is finding the best memory care facility for your mom, where you can just get back to being moms daughter and advocate and not her 24/7 caregiver.
I wish you well in finding the right one for her.

This is a tough spot. I know you want to do right by your mother. But I can also understand your DH's perspective.

And though I agree to some extent that if your DH agreed to your mother moving in, he sort of signed up for it - I would counter that he signed up for the CURRENT state - when she moved in. I think the biggest mistake that most people make is not really anticipating the FUTURE STATE and mentally locking themselves into permanent caregiving without really understanding what they are agreeing to do. It is not too complicated to agree to have someone move in with you when they are able to take care of their own hygiene, can sit in their room and entertain themselves and maybe all you really need to do is make an extra plate when you are cooking for yourself. It is a whole different thing when you have to shower that person or change their incontinence underwear.

Situations change - ESPECIALLY when someone has dementia. Needs change and become more diverse and urgent. And if HE is the one providing primary care for your mother while you work - that's asking a lot. I get why he's resentful. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

And the problem is that after a while he's not just resentful of her. He's going to be resentful of you.

He retired and has no ability to enjoy that. You can't travel. He is stuck at home during the day while you work, taking care of your mother. I think you have already put yourself in his shoes by thinking about how you would feel if the situation was reversed.

But here is my suggestion. REALLY put yourself in his position. Tell him to take a few days away. And take on his responsibilities. Even if he doesn't leave, give him the time off and you pick up his responsibilities. Or pay attention to how often she is calling out for him during the day. Take note of how often your conversation turns to her (we spent and still spend way too much time talking about my FIL), how much of your lives revolve around her needs. And most importantly - how many of your needs and especially HIS in this case, are going unmet in order to meet hers.

What dreams for his retirement is he giving up? Did he think he would be on the golf course or enjoying some other hobby he didn't have time for when he worked - but that was pushed aside to care for your mother? Did he want to volunteer but can't leave the house? Does he feel trapped at home?

I agree with others, use mom's money and hire caregivers - give him a break. Give yourself a break. Hire respite care and go on a vacation. Don't talk about mom. Focus on yourselves and your marriage. Do SOMETHING to show him that your relationship is still important.

What would you do if he was still working? Who would provide her care? Consider your other options. For your own sake and his.

This is exactly why, when my 92yo father passes and I receive my inheritance (I know, there is a lot of assuming there, but I am his POA as well as the executor on the will so I know much of his financial information), I plan to buy into a Continuing Care Retirement Community somewhere and never place an expectation on any of my kids that they will have to take care of me. I know what 7 1/2 months of caring for mil did to me and what three-plus years of my dad caring for my mom did to him. I won't do that to my own kids.

Your situation is unsustainable, SueDee, because mom will continue to decline. Your marriage is a higher priority than your mother, as hard as it is to hear that. Your husband has expressed his feelings even though it seems he has been a champ with caring for your mom day by day. It is time to take the next step to a facility. I'm sure it is hard, but as others have said from experience, you will be glad you did once the deed is done.

Honestly this is one of the reasons why my Dad is in assisted living instead of living with us (which is what Dad wanted and we did discuss). My husband works at a very demanding job with long hours and he really needs to decompress at home (luckily one of his favorite ways to decompress is cooking :)). I also have a demanding job, but I work from home, so I seriously considered the options. But I looked at things starkly and realized that having Dad here would mean such a big change in our home life that it would affect my marriage. Now Dad is down the road in a lovely place (after living five states away) and we see him all the time for dinner, for outings, for holidays. But the day-to-day is handled and when my husband and I have a free evening we can sit in our living room and have a glass of wine and chat without being caregivers 100% of the time — which also means I'm a better caregiver to my Dad (and so is my husband) because we're not resenting his presence.

I have to agree with your husband and I was the person with a parent to take care of. I knew we could never have him live with us.

Even if he agreed to having her move in, I am sure he had no idea what he was signing up for.

Hiring help may work but I doubt it. He is tired of having no privacy. His home is no longer a sanctuary from the outside world because all his problems reside in the house with him.

Your husband has to come first. I'm not sure why you are against assisted living facilities. The one my father was in looked like a fancy hotel. Start researching them. See if your husband will tolerate a few more months while you find a place you can accept. Your mother's care is only going to get harder everyday from here on out. Please think of your future.

Sometimes “resignation” can be a chain, keeping us from honestly accepting and investigating how difficult and relentless caregiving is.

If you are resigned to doing about what you’ve done since she originally moved in, if you’re unwilling to actively address her changing needs for care, if your husband is candidly acknowledging that he’s “tired of her being here”, and even more painful for you both, “Everything we do pretty much revolves around her”, can you, from your perspective really appreciate the lack of balance for all of you?

Sometimes loving children hit the point where they can find NO SOLUTION that they perceive as “happy” or “positive” or even “functional” for all concerned, and are obliged to make the best of all the sad choices.

Are you there?

Your husband is stating how he feels. Are you thinking that he’s “the bad guy”?

He “didn’t sign up for this” any more than you did, but honestly, are you feeling the same way?

Consciously OR UNCONSCIOUSLY, did you make “the IMPOSSIBLE PROMISE”? Are you thinking that if you place her in the very best residence you can find, she’ll die, or she’ll be heartbroken, or she’ll be angry at you?

After nine months of total in-home care of my mother, I wound up in a situation that required immediate placement, and like a miracle, there was a bed available in the residence where she’d rehabbed from the shattered hip bone that had happened from a fall.

I took her there, tears streaming down my cheeks, and left her, both of us looking lost, in the care of what I knew was the best I could do, and spent the next several days calling the facility and thinking the reports I was getting about her adjustment to her new life were exaggeration.

But they weren’t. She LOVED her new life, and as a regular visitor I was enjoying time with her in a new and unexpected way.

NOTHING in this process is “easy”. Just consider trying something different. And brainstorm with your husband to come up with ideas you can both at least consider.

You’re both well worth giving it a try.

I can't disagree with him, he deserves a life especially in retirement. Why does she live with you rather than in MC?

He should be your priority not her, why not start searching around for a home to place her in?

My mother is 98, your mother could live a long time, this is infringing on his retirement.

Start researching facilities that offer respite care. You will need to have all of mom's needs, both medical and personal, documented. She will need a TB test which requires two trips to the doctor.

Get this set up and plan a 2 week vacation for DH and yourself.

See if this helps. See if mom enjoys the socializing in a good AL.

How and why did she come to live with you?

What are her finances?

Hire a caregiver and tell them what your mom needs. This helps to give you and your husband space for yourselves.

If this doesn't work out, look into to assisted living.

It's very difficult for couples when your spouse wants to do something with you and you keep having to cancel. It's one thing if happened once or twice. But if it keeps happening, they get resentful.

I think spouses don't mind at first when you are both helping a little. But after awhile, the parent consumes everything.
Like you are having a conversation with each other and then the parent needs help.

If hiring caregivers to come to the house to help out so you and your husband can get some respite , isn’t going be enough , and your husband really can’t live with Mom any longer, then placement in assistant living is what is needed if possible . Does your Mom have money for in home care or a facility ? Did Mom have a house to sell ? Don’t use your own money for her care.

My mom lived with me and hubby for 7 years. As she declined, it got more and more difficult. Mostly for me! My hubby works 60 hours a week but did help out with mom when I was taking care of the grandkids, etc.

Did your husband agree to have your mom move in or did you do it against his wishes? If he knew and agreed, then he kind of signed up for it. But how can either of you have known what it would be like? Even if he knew, it would be a huge change to his world. And after 2 years I can't blame him for wanting it to end.

Using your mom's money, hire some caregivers so that your husband does not have to do ANYTHING for her and you can do less also. He deserves to enjoy his retirement.

Look, none of us signed up for this. Yet, many of us find ourselves here. Can you get an aide to assist at least part if the time so that someone other than your hubs can fix breakfast and help her dress?

I agree with him, he didn't sign up for this.

If you love your husband and value your marriage, put your husband first. Your mother can linger for years like this and if he feels this way now, it will only get worse and you may not have a marriage by the time your mother dies. Then you will be left with nothing.

Start figuring out options now.

I understand that you feel in the middle, but I also understand how your husband feels. I would feel the same way. I don't want to be caring for anyone when I retire as I feel it is a time to go and enjoy your life in a way you have never been able.
If it were me, I would either hire caregivers that can help and reduce the burden on you and your husband or find a nice assisted living facility. My own preference would be placement. If you aren't prepared to place her permanently, at least find respite care so both you and your husband can take break.

Move mom into a facility.