We are having to pick orders to another location and it’s looking more and more like overseas. We are going to have to rent or sell our home here in Pensacola. Mom is adamant she can live in her car because we are kicking her out! We are not kicking her out....we just cannot take her with us. She is starting again about how she is left all alone....that’s right and Scott get to go out and I stay here fine...that’s fine have fun..I’ll be fine here alone as usual. It’s ONE date night with his commands Christmas party! SHE COULDNT GO ANYWAY!

Like I said....she is telling everyone we will be kicking her out because we are CHOOSING not to stay here ...that her daughter is CHOOSING to leave me behind to go be with her husband when he could go alone and she can stay here with ME! NOT GOING TO HAPPEN....She has lived with us for over six years....doesn’t help clean, won’t stop smoking, tries to embarrass me in public. HELP! How can we fix this problem? She cannot drive, has very low income, is breaking our bank every single paycheck.

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Isn't there someone on base that can you help deal with this. First, get Mom evaluated then see if you can help.

Mom must understand, to a point, that the Military owns your husband. He goes where he is sent.

Just curious, why wouldn't Mom pass the screening?
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I am always amazed that so many posters write about their parents behaving (or misbehaving) this way. Is it their intention to make themselves so unlikeable that we get to the point that even the sight of them makes our blood pressure rise to dangerous levels? Where did they ever get the impression that living with their children is a right of their’s and not a privilege? And that acting like a petulant two year old is attractive?

Your place is with your husband. Ruth said, “Where thou goest”. Mom’s freeloading, privileged life with you is over. Time to put on her big girl pants and act like the grown up she supposedly is. You will do the best you can to find her an acceptable place to live. No roaches, rats or holes in the walls. She can whine, insult, complain, throw fits, accuse, and no one will feel sorrier for her than she does for herself. So what? And then you will go on this adventure overseas. How exciting! And thank you for your service!
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Don't mention Ruth if she knows her Bible. 'Whither thou goest I will go' was said by Ruth to Naomi, her MIL (after DH died).

Apart from than, fully agree!
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Isn't there a families' welfare office you could turn to for advice and help?
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Oh my she’s quite dramatic, so besides you, who is her audience?
And would any any of these be willing to become her dPOA? And deal with taking her to doctors appointments, grocery shopping, checking in on her, etc.
or is it sadly just you?

Does she at all have the option of moving into VA housing? Like she’s a VA widow or she’s your legal dependent so could qualify?
Yes Tamara, read that last part again...... “your dependent”.
I don’t know what’s available in P’cola area, but the VA village over in Biloxi is a tiered system from IL on up. If she might qualify, I’d suggest that you get her on the list for one of their IL or AL slots ASAP.

As an aside on all this, I’ve been Executor x3 and have sat in court more than once where the about to be deployed DPOA has petitioned the court to have their elderly parent made a “emergency ward of the state” with a state named guardian for their elder. The guardian takes over and gets the elder placed into a facility, oversees their $ and medical and once your foreign tour is over, the guardianship can be dissolved or moved over to you. If your in P’cola, or Jax’ville, AR or San Antonio, or any city where there’s huge established military presence, there’s going to be probate attorney’s who deal with this type of guardianship situation. Also There’s going to be someone at the Base like in community services that know how to deal with dependents left behind due to deployment situations.

good luck & let us know what happens.
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igloo572 Nov 2018
Also if your finding your going to need to rent storage unit, try to go with one climate controlled with cameras you can link into that’s above I-10. There’s going to be another storm with it’s sights on the FL panhandle. Knowing your stuff is probably outside of surge will be just one less stress for you. Freezer grade ziplock books, paper stuff, photos, even artwork if you can. No cardboard boxes but plastic bins that click lock and stack..
You can be totally careful but the unit next to you will put in a box with damp stuff and the mildew & mold will travel.
She had a small stroke in May and has cad, vascular disease, copd and won’t stop smoking. Now they think she has vascular Dementia.
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rovana Nov 2018
Of course you go with your husband.  Your mom must be starting dementia to think otherwise.  And you should not take her in any case - her health is bad and she will get better treatment here, as well as the fact that you have more than enough on your plate without her.
I'm so sorry for this issue, like being in the military isn't tough enough! You know you have nothing to regret. The military is your life and you're entitled to it. Don't worry about your mother's accusing you of abandoning her; I'd wager everyone understands you and your husband don't have a choice in leaving.

I'd contact the local social services for assistance and to get her assessed for mental health issues. I hope she doesn't have physical issues. At some point your mother's going to HAVE to find a new place. Allow the social worker to guide you and give you--and your mother--advice and assistance.

And kudos to you and your husband for caring for your mother so long!
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