What are ways to set boundaries with emotionally, abusive Mom who doesn't get it?

Well, if you're living in her house, you live by her rules and she sets the boundaries. Move out, it's no fun to live under someone else's thumb. If you haven't saved money, start saving every penny. What are your mother's physical ailments? You could still grocery shop, do laundry and run errands. You don't need to live with her in order to take care of her. You will have more patience and won't even mind sitting for a cup of coffee, once you are free from her grip. Get your own life back...

Moving will be the next step, I've been looking for apartments. Just haven't found decent one that will take my dog. I only have three yrs until daughter done with college, then we can go anywhere. My other fear is, I don't want to become her!!!

As I am sure you can tell, each person must find the answer that is right for them. In my situation-(which is very similar to yours), I decided to literally walk away. It made it easier, I believe, that is was my mother-in-law. Establishing boundaries are hard to do when you are in THEIR home, as we were. So, one day I put down a deposit on a small apartment and told my husband that he was welcome to come with me. We moved out, not without drama, but it was the best thing for us. We had an entire year of wonderful, blissful peace; we sent birthday cards/gifts, as well as other holidays, but had no direct contact with her. She then fell and broke a hip and while in rehab, it was discovered she had end stage breast cancer with metastasis in the bone, brain, and lungs. At that point, we resumed our duties as caregivers, but from our own home. She entered hospice care, in her home, and passed in February of 2013. I honestly don't think I could have given her true loving care in her final months if I'd not taken that year off.

We unfortunately moved in her house, mine didn't allow for different living areas. We redid the basement into apt for us.my husband is a doll, think many would have said I'm outta here! He has done things for her that no silvshould have to do, but yet she takes awful bout him.she is a sweetheart though in front of other sons( when they see fit to visit or call) she tells everyone how awful and how little I do. Thinks I should quit my job... I know that over the past six months I don't visit with her it talk to her enough, but always have to think bout what I say or she'll criticize it or tell me I'm wrong, when I do go have coffee or sit with her, it's get this, do that, etc. thank goodness for this site, thought I was alone in this madness. How do you even talk to friends about how mean your mother is.

opingdaughter,

I think that I would say that I don't tolerate that behavior and if you want to keep this behavior up (describe it in concrete detail) then you will need to find someone else to drive you.

After years of trying to be nice to an abusive narcissistic mother and being in therapy to find freedom, my wife finally told her mother, you keep this behavior up toward my children and you will never see them again. That got her attention quickly!

We take a take nor prisoners approach to boundaries. It works better that way.

Great answers posted here. I decided counseling would never change my mom. She is far too set in her ways. But it helped me change my reaction. I no longer feel reduced to the 5 year old little girl who used to cower when my mom yelled. I walk away. I leave the house, go to a different room, etc. The only time it is bad now is when we are in the car and I can't get away. I have tried pulling over, but that doesn't stop her. So I just imagine a wall rising between us and I completely ignore her. She runs out of steam quicker if I don't engage AT ALL, I just stare at the road and imagine her words bouncing off that wall.

Hi all - I heartily agree about getting into counseling, we can give you bits here but you deserve to have 'you time' working this out and coming up with tactics and approaches that will get you more of the home life you want. I think your too-late-now thing is, "I've let so much happen already"... don't give up like that!

I have this - I say cheerfully Sorry (and dont mean it and she - if she were of sound mind would have known that) and then walk away. I NEVER engage now - I used to . In this instance you have to take charge and not allow her to bully or abuse you.
I never do anything right - oh sorry! (cheerful one not a meant one) and walk away
never do enough - just going to make tea what do you fancy? (walk away - never ever engage on this one you will lose and getting angry is of no long run benefit to you)
run too much (yes I do, I love running AND insert husbands name loves how it keeps me firm and fit for him - they dont usually want to engage on that front let me tell you)then walk away
work too much- yes I agree.... cuppa mum? and walk away

What does your husband think about all of this?

Has she always been an emotionally abusive mom?

If she's always been emotionally abusive, then read the following thread and call a therapist today for an appointment.

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/power-of-emotional-blackmailers-176430.htm

Good luck and let us know how things work out.

How old is your mother? Does she have dementia. Does she need assistance? Do you live in her home or does she live in yours? This would help us give better answers for you.

Does she have dementia? This will make it harder for her to understand when you try to set boundaries. But you can stand up for yourself by saying "you are not allowed to talk to me that way". One time after my dad moved I to his IL apartment from his home, he called to rant about how we sold his stuff for nothing at the estate sale. I simply said, did you call to yell at me? It took him aback that I would confront him and he backed off. I realized then, I didn't have to take that verbal abuse. There is an excellent book about Boundaries by a psychologist by the name of Henry Cloud. Or you could get advice from a professional. I agree that it's an awful way to live. If there is anyway you could move her, that would be a blessing to you and it doesn't matter if she likes it. People who verbally abuse others don't get a choice. It's a sad way to live.

You are a nurse? I have twins who are nurses and that in its self is stressful enough. Why is it too late to reassess the situation and make a change. Nothing is permanent. Or is the thought you can't change the living situation just more of her emotional abuse?

She needs her own place to live. As with most verbally and emotionally abusive people, when they think they are in control they become little monsters. Your home, your rules. This is your home, right?

Laura, I had a mom who would follow you whenever you tried to walk away - even to the toilet. If you closed the door she would stand, sit or lurk on the other side of it and continue to yell, cry or harangue on the other side. And would still be there whenever you came out. Sometimes she just quietly lurked on the other side of a door just to try to hear what people were saying and it would scare the heck out of you when you came out of the room. Creepy. And anytime I tried to set down boundaries of any sort, verbally or in writing, it brought on a huge fit of crying, nobody loves me, guess I need to go live in the woods by myself, yadda yadda yadda. Hope you have better luck setting boundaries than I did.

That's a horrible way for you and your family to live. Are your children still at home? If they are witnessing verbal abuse toward you it's unacceptable. If you can't change your living arrangements you need to find a way to deal with your mothers anger. I'm sorry for you, it must be awfully hurtful to listen to your mother berate you. Maybe counseling would help. It certainly wouldn't hurt to try. Is there any chance of taking mom with you? Good luck

Walk away the moment it starts. She will get the picture as long as you're consistent. If it is at the table, pick up your plate and go to another room to finish.

Why is it too late for a change now? My mom was sweet, but with her dementia and long list of other problems it took over my life and she drove me crazy. I started checking out assisted living places and was pleasantly surprised. It was so much better care and it gave me my happy life back. You're only stuck in this situation if you don't take action. If you must, write her a list of the new house rules. No nagging, stay out of the kitchen the hours you are home, all complaints written and put in a jar, no opinions on how you live your life, etc... If she can't control it, it's nursing home time! She's knows how to manipulate you with guilt and apparently she's good at it. Can you arrange her room so she has her own sitting area, away from the rest of you?

Get her assessed ASAP and into an elderly home