What are ways to set boundaries with emotionally, abusive Mom who doesn't get it?

Get her assessed ASAP and into an elderly home

Why is it too late for a change now? My mom was sweet, but with her dementia and long list of other problems it took over my life and she drove me crazy. I started checking out assisted living places and was pleasantly surprised. It was so much better care and it gave me my happy life back. You're only stuck in this situation if you don't take action. If you must, write her a list of the new house rules. No nagging, stay out of the kitchen the hours you are home, all complaints written and put in a jar, no opinions on how you live your life, etc... If she can't control it, it's nursing home time! She's knows how to manipulate you with guilt and apparently she's good at it. Can you arrange her room so she has her own sitting area, away from the rest of you?

Walk away the moment it starts. She will get the picture as long as you're consistent. If it is at the table, pick up your plate and go to another room to finish.

That's a horrible way for you and your family to live. Are your children still at home? If they are witnessing verbal abuse toward you it's unacceptable. If you can't change your living arrangements you need to find a way to deal with your mothers anger. I'm sorry for you, it must be awfully hurtful to listen to your mother berate you. Maybe counseling would help. It certainly wouldn't hurt to try. Is there any chance of taking mom with you? Good luck

Laura, I had a mom who would follow you whenever you tried to walk away - even to the toilet. If you closed the door she would stand, sit or lurk on the other side of it and continue to yell, cry or harangue on the other side. And would still be there whenever you came out. Sometimes she just quietly lurked on the other side of a door just to try to hear what people were saying and it would scare the heck out of you when you came out of the room. Creepy. And anytime I tried to set down boundaries of any sort, verbally or in writing, it brought on a huge fit of crying, nobody loves me, guess I need to go live in the woods by myself, yadda yadda yadda. Hope you have better luck setting boundaries than I did.

You are a nurse? I have twins who are nurses and that in its self is stressful enough. Why is it too late to reassess the situation and make a change. Nothing is permanent. Or is the thought you can't change the living situation just more of her emotional abuse?

She needs her own place to live. As with most verbally and emotionally abusive people, when they think they are in control they become little monsters. Your home, your rules. This is your home, right?

Does she have dementia? This will make it harder for her to understand when you try to set boundaries. But you can stand up for yourself by saying "you are not allowed to talk to me that way". One time after my dad moved I to his IL apartment from his home, he called to rant about how we sold his stuff for nothing at the estate sale. I simply said, did you call to yell at me? It took him aback that I would confront him and he backed off. I realized then, I didn't have to take that verbal abuse. There is an excellent book about Boundaries by a psychologist by the name of Henry Cloud. Or you could get advice from a professional. I agree that it's an awful way to live. If there is anyway you could move her, that would be a blessing to you and it doesn't matter if she likes it. People who verbally abuse others don't get a choice. It's a sad way to live.

How old is your mother? Does she have dementia. Does she need assistance? Do you live in her home or does she live in yours? This would help us give better answers for you.

What does your husband think about all of this?

Has she always been an emotionally abusive mom?

If she's always been emotionally abusive, then read the following thread and call a therapist today for an appointment.

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/power-of-emotional-blackmailers-176430.htm

Good luck and let us know how things work out.

I have this - I say cheerfully Sorry (and dont mean it and she - if she were of sound mind would have known that) and then walk away. I NEVER engage now - I used to . In this instance you have to take charge and not allow her to bully or abuse you.
I never do anything right - oh sorry! (cheerful one not a meant one) and walk away
never do enough - just going to make tea what do you fancy? (walk away - never ever engage on this one you will lose and getting angry is of no long run benefit to you)
run too much (yes I do, I love running AND insert husbands name loves how it keeps me firm and fit for him - they dont usually want to engage on that front let me tell you)then walk away
work too much- yes I agree.... cuppa mum? and walk away

Hi all - I heartily agree about getting into counseling, we can give you bits here but you deserve to have 'you time' working this out and coming up with tactics and approaches that will get you more of the home life you want. I think your too-late-now thing is, "I've let so much happen already"... don't give up like that!

Great answers posted here. I decided counseling would never change my mom. She is far too set in her ways. But it helped me change my reaction. I no longer feel reduced to the 5 year old little girl who used to cower when my mom yelled. I walk away. I leave the house, go to a different room, etc. The only time it is bad now is when we are in the car and I can't get away. I have tried pulling over, but that doesn't stop her. So I just imagine a wall rising between us and I completely ignore her. She runs out of steam quicker if I don't engage AT ALL, I just stare at the road and imagine her words bouncing off that wall.

opingdaughter,

I think that I would say that I don't tolerate that behavior and if you want to keep this behavior up (describe it in concrete detail) then you will need to find someone else to drive you.

After years of trying to be nice to an abusive narcissistic mother and being in therapy to find freedom, my wife finally told her mother, you keep this behavior up toward my children and you will never see them again. That got her attention quickly!

We take a take nor prisoners approach to boundaries. It works better that way.

We unfortunately moved in her house, mine didn't allow for different living areas. We redid the basement into apt for us.my husband is a doll, think many would have said I'm outta here! He has done things for her that no silvshould have to do, but yet she takes awful bout him.she is a sweetheart though in front of other sons( when they see fit to visit or call) she tells everyone how awful and how little I do. Thinks I should quit my job... I know that over the past six months I don't visit with her it talk to her enough, but always have to think bout what I say or she'll criticize it or tell me I'm wrong, when I do go have coffee or sit with her, it's get this, do that, etc. thank goodness for this site, thought I was alone in this madness. How do you even talk to friends about how mean your mother is.

As I am sure you can tell, each person must find the answer that is right for them. In my situation-(which is very similar to yours), I decided to literally walk away. It made it easier, I believe, that is was my mother-in-law. Establishing boundaries are hard to do when you are in THEIR home, as we were. So, one day I put down a deposit on a small apartment and told my husband that he was welcome to come with me. We moved out, not without drama, but it was the best thing for us. We had an entire year of wonderful, blissful peace; we sent birthday cards/gifts, as well as other holidays, but had no direct contact with her. She then fell and broke a hip and while in rehab, it was discovered she had end stage breast cancer with metastasis in the bone, brain, and lungs. At that point, we resumed our duties as caregivers, but from our own home. She entered hospice care, in her home, and passed in February of 2013. I honestly don't think I could have given her true loving care in her final months if I'd not taken that year off.

Moving will be the next step, I've been looking for apartments. Just haven't found decent one that will take my dog. I only have three yrs until daughter done with college, then we can go anywhere. My other fear is, I don't want to become her!!!

Well, if you're living in her house, you live by her rules and she sets the boundaries. Move out, it's no fun to live under someone else's thumb. If you haven't saved money, start saving every penny. What are your mother's physical ailments? You could still grocery shop, do laundry and run errands. You don't need to live with her in order to take care of her. You will have more patience and won't even mind sitting for a cup of coffee, once you are free from her grip. Get your own life back...

Obnurse62, that is a fear we children of abusive parents all live with. How did this affect me, what can I do differently, how not to become like her. For starters you recognize the situation and your role in it. You have to be willing to leave because she will not change. And you do need help learning how her abuse has affected your life and how to make changes.

My dad was verbally abusive, argumentative and just nasty. He would sit and glare at me and pick at me when I would try to have dinner with the family. I recognized what he was and what he was doing. I swore I would never marry a little bully like him. What I didn't recognize was my mother was the second side of the same coin. She never protected me, it was always about her and her pocket book. So without the proper help, I married my mother. Nicer than her but still very similar. :/

Your living and raising children in the basement of your mean mother's house? What a terrible geographical position of dependency!

She literally sees you as beneath her, plus being in her house makes it easier for her to relate to you as if you were still her little girl and for you to return to the role of living like you are still her little girl.

With your having to walk on eggshells and her being different with different people, I can guess that she has a personality disorder. Do you tolerate her badmouthing your husband? Does she badmouth your children also. Has she ever verbally abused your children or your husband?

I don't think you need to quit your job so that she can have you visit her worshipfulness more! Not at all! I think you should quit living in your mother's basement literally and figuratively as well as find some other way for your mom to be cared for.

I was once too wiling to be too patient like your husband, but that changed years ago. I've been in therapy, learned about boundaries, set some with concrete consequences, got my boys in therapy and saw much progress gained for my family from that point forward.

It's time to start living above ground! Your in an emotionally abusive relationship. Get therapy for yourself and your husband and move forward, not downward with your lives.

Good luck and let us know how things work out.

You wont become her - and if you do you wont know you have become her because you will have lost your faculties. I left my job to care for mum and lost a hell of a lot of money in so doing BUT I promised my dad I wouldnt put her in a home and keeping that promise means more to me than anything she could ever say to me. I just sometimes forget that and rant a lot.
I do make time to sit with Mum and yes it is a bit of a chore sometimes but I do it because I know I have to. So bar of chocolate first (glass of wine if thats your treat) then I brave the bears den.....if she starts to get really difficult I laughingly say ....oi oi oi I aint your skivvy mother, you can get it and the docs all say you need to do as much as you can use it or lose it so I will help you but I wont get it for you.....god she hates me saying that but it gives me back the power. As for friends....well I lost several but then were they friends? They would have to walk a mile in my shoes before they could say I was horrible about her or to her. My doc thinks I am fantastic, her Psych thinks so too, EVEN the social worker who I loathe has had to admit that I do the job well and boy she must have really had to suck it up to say that AND give me 6 weeks respite a year boy did that hurt her (YIPPEEE) - She asked for every bit of damned paperwork a care home auditor would and I had it all there in the files. The receipts arent in date order she said. They dont have to be said I they are all itemised on a spreadsheet with corresponding numbers if you want to be that picky go look....she didnt. So if I am caring properly (albeit sometimes with great angst and grumpiness, if I do get short sometimes so what we all do, if the friends that do care really DO CARE then what more could I ask for? Ah that would be some special someone to spend time with - humph fat chance! Meanwhile today I get 2 days respite - see you all Sunday xxxxxxxx

You will never become your mother, because you are you!!! You sound like a wonderful person. You know how it feels to be disrespected by a parent, so you will not be that way. Personally I rather live in a tent, than to live with a crabby person.

I'm sorry, I'm babbling, the other dilemma I have right now is, I walked out on her at rehab last Friday when she told me that the lady who helps me with her is more of a daughter than I am. Talk about hurting those you love... I go away next week for 11 says, torn about going to see her before I leave or not.

Nothing to apologize for. You need to vent about this. Keep going! Talking with your friends about your mean mom will only accomplish so much and some friends may find it too much to bear and it may even push some of their buttons about their own moms. So, I think you would actually get more help talking about your mean mom with a therapist as well as with us.

I would consider my sanity more important than my dog. Plus, I would imagine that by this time you might have enough money to buy a house.

I must ask, growing up around your mean mom down in the basement, did your daughter find home a nice place to be where she could invite her friends over or did she spend most of her time with her friends at their homes?

How much more are you going to keep taking of your mom's meanness and offering yourself and your husband as targets of her abuse. She's not going to change her dance or tune, but you don't have to dance with her to the same tune. It's Friday, so got out tonight and dance with your husband!

Take care!

You are not babbling, we are here to help you and the more information we have, the better our advise will be. Yes, I would go visit her one last time in rehab, bring her some flowers (pick them, remember saving pennies) and ask if there is anything she needs before you leave on your trip, but don't sit down, don't stay, make up an excuse and leave quickly. I agree with cmagnum, your sanity should come before your dog. I'd try to move out before she gets out of rehab, or it will all fall on you. Have a wonderful trip!!!

Was she always like this? If not, I'm going to guess it has gradually become worse. She should have a full workup by her primary physician. He can rule out acute illness and check for dementia. It's never to late to change. I'm a caregiver for my dad, I love him but sometimes I get frustrated so I can understand how stressful it is. Call your local area agency on aging and ask about their in home assistance programs, caregiver programs and ask if there is a local adult medical day care. The adult day care can be a wonderful place, she can socialize, eat a meal and stay active. The activities are geared so that each person can enjoy, they may have crafts, field trips or guest speakers; I'm sure each day care offers a variety of services. If mom is capable of understanding, then I'd tell her that when she speaks that way it makes you feel__________and that you are not going to listen to it any longer. You deserve the same respect that she expects. If she has dementia you can also call your local chapter of the Alzheimer's Association and ask them for behavior tips/how to manage behaviors. As a caregiver, you first need to care for yourself or you won't be able to care for anyone else. If you can obtain some in home assistance, this may take some of the pressure off of you. Talk to your mom and tell her this has to stop. Unless she is in danger or has some other immediate need, walk away and tell her that you are not going to listen to that anymore. If she can get out and socialize, (I'm assuming she doesn't get out a lot), this may also change her demeanor. If all else fails, assisted living would be a good option and she may love it there. Good luck.

It is NEVER too late to make a change for the better. Either you are a vessel for punishment or just like to be abused. Get away from her and get professional help. You two are like oil and water. Those two do not mix.

Obnurse 62, your situation is almost EXACTLY like mine except for I am a single mother who moved back home to help with my elderly father. You mentioned that the your mother stated the woman who comes to help acts like more of a daughter. Well thats the same kind of attitude my father takes. Treating his HHA and her son more like family than me and my children. Cmagnum has given some excellent advice that I will try to implement. Im glad your husband is supportive Obnurse.

Consider a day program for her. She may be nitpicking at you out of lack of anything else to focus on in her life.
Even if she arrives home at the end of the day and starts up with her abuse, you'll at least have had a peaceful day and may be better able to handle it.

Obnurse, it sounds like you have a good plan for the future. I hope that it all flows smoothly. I know much of how you're feeling, because I live with my mother who seems so sweet to everyone but me. I am a strong person, who doesn't have to worry about the effect on children or husband, but still it has had a huge impact on me. I have come to realize that she feels she has the right to criticize me or say unkind things. And she feels I have the responsibility to listen to her and obey her. She is a borderline and dependent type hermit personality, now mixed with moderate dementia. She is probably very frightened as she depends on me absolutely but needs to feel she is in control.

It's rather sad, but I can't keep company with her for very long. After about 5 minutes things start heading south. She starts with a list of things she wants to do. She can't understand that I'm not a young person anymore. I don't dig ditches, nor did I ever. If I don't say I'll comply, I'm a lazy person who never has done anything. Then she pulls up my teenage years like they were yesterday. I want to say that if she and my dad weren't such horrible parents, maybe they wouldn't have had such trouble with their kids. But I can't say that. Dealing with abusive elders is like going into battle with no weapons. The only thing we can do is walk away.

I like that you are getting out of the situation, because I know it is not healthy. Even if you're handling the day-to-day, it takes a toll long-term. No one owes this to a parent. That you are here talking about it, obnurse, says it is taking a toll on you. If your mother is like mine, there is no way to change her. Taking care of her from a distance sounds like a much better idea.

" I rather live in a tent, than to live with a crabby person."

Sounds a lot like some verses from Proverbs.

Proverbs 21:9 "It is better to live in a corner of a roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman."

There another verse in Proverbs that talks about it being better to live in a desert than in such a contentious situation.