My sister was recently widowed and my mom is in the hospital from a fall. Is it wrong of me to want my sister to still help care for mom?

Ask yourself if in her situation you would also want to be asked to go "another mile". The fact that your sister hasn't fallen apart under these circumstances is amazing. The fact that she has managed to visit at all amazes me.
Is your current burden as heavy as her's is?
There is such a thing as situational dementia. This is a temporary dementia and subsides after the trauma is over.

Is it wrong for you to want your sister to help care for your ill mother? No, of course not. But, I do know if I were in your sister's shoes, I would not be coping at all. I do not know how she does it. I'm sure when your sister has come to grips with her burdens, she will contact her mother oftener (and this could be years rather than months). But for now, I suspect she is just surviving the best way she knows how.

Right now my sister is carrying the larger burden of my father's care. My husband and I have had many, many burdens over the past ten years and our shoulders are breaking under the load. I feel guilty (I am the oldest and usually carry the largest share of the load - I did when Mother was ill), but right now, I can't. Maybe this is the time for you to carry the heavier load - that being said, it is not up to you to "pave" the situation between your mother and your sister. Could your mother call your sister? As my husband says "the road goes both ways". There's never an easy answer, is there? All the best ....

Everybody including you is busy speculating about how your sister is feeling; constructing the expectations you should have; and measuring whether she is busy enough doing important enough things or grieved enough or stressed enough to escape judgment for her behavior towards your mother. How about asking a different set of questions: "what do I need and how can I address it?" If you need to understand what's up with your sister, observe more closely and ask her, with pure loving curiosity (no implied judgment). If you need your sister to know that your mom is asking about her, tell her -- with no undertone of "and you should do something about it" -- and let her decide what to do. If she can't handle that information because she feels pressured by it, there's your answer about her, and you can reassure her that you're not adding to her pressure (if that's true!!!!). If you need to know what to say to your mom when she asks after your sister, well, try empathy without fixing: "Yes, I can hear that you miss her." If you're actually feeling resentful and not admitting it to yourself, then start with figuring out what's going on with you, and what you need. These are just examples. Clarify what you are trying to address....

Hummm lots of different asnwers, interesting. Let me ask, was your sister a help before her husbands death? I ask because my siblings do not help regardless. I have a friend who also lost her husband and she moved her Mom right into her house and as she cared for her alz mother, it helped her to grieve and build an even stronger bond with her Mom. Stress or nor,I could NEVER not be there for my Mom . I sympathize with anyone losing a spouse, but she needs to see her mother regardless, we make the time for what we really want, as caregivers and daughters. My siblings say they are "busy." Well, ahemmm so am I, I work fulltime too but I am there for her. Your sister would set such a wonderful example to her children to keep visiting her mother, and even bring them along, we do get what we give. Only you know in your heart that you are doing the best you can, as am I, and we can sleep better knowing that. Good luck.

I feel for you. I will never understand why this happens in families. 2 of my sisters live a 3 minute walk away and maybe come to visit mom (lives with me , alzheimers, 24 hour care) for half hour a week. They don't help with laundry, meds, food, doc appointments or anything. We used to be a close family and now totally estranged. It's hard not to become angry and resentful but i've learned to just let it be. They know what they should do but for some reason they aren't there for us. We all have our lives but our parents should be part of that. Don't let it consume you. Just be there for your mom. Hopefully your sister will come around. I know it is difficult and heartbreaking. Take care.

I wonder if losing a loved one, like your sister has, brings the reality of her losing her mother closer than she wants. Losing two loved ones may be scary for her or something she doesn't think she can handle right now. While that doesn't make it easier for you or the right way for her to handle it - there's no right way to handle death or the possibility of death anyway - that may be the best way she knows to handle it right now.

Let your sister grieve and take care of your mother by visiting her by yourself.

Hi P. I thought "alwayslearning" answer was good. I can definitely understand where you're coming from. I am the total caregiver of my Mom, w/ two siblings who don't have a clue about what I do. They don't live close by, but I think the "phone call" thing would help immensely. They just are too wrapped up with their own lives, get busy, and frankly....just forget, because they know that I'm giving her the best of care and attention. Every now and then I feel a bit resentful about this. It's not a constant resentment, and I really love my siblings, but I just think they're clueless. I tell them things that are going on w/ Mom, and they say, "Wow. You're an angel, thank God for you." Ha. I'm not telling them to receive praise, but merely let them know the latest crisis, or even little funny anecdotes, etc. But they call once a week, if that!
One of your comments was that you don't mind what you're doing for your Mom, but that she misses your sis. I totally believe that. I don't mind what I'm doing, but I feel sad that the other two don't spend a bit more of their precious time (and all of our time is precious, let's face it) to call Mom more often, and come for visits more often than once a year.
One thing that "Helen" said is that your sister may be in a kind of denial about what's going on w/ Mom, because of her recent loss. It may be just too hard and overwhelming for her right now to face another crisis, so she escapes to picnics, and parties. It may take quite some time for her to come around, and share in the loving care that your Mom needs. In the meantime, if you let your Mom know this, and keep doing what you're doing as the caring loving daughter you are, deep down inside the resentment might surface a bit now and then, but the good you will feel will knock it down. Because, you know your sister loves your Mom, but just can't deal with things right now because she's not as strong as you. And maybe she won't ever be. Take care, and keep on doing your good job!!

Hmmm can your sister tape a video with the kids to your mom? One of her kids might be handy with a videocam and go around the family with 5 minutes of "Hello, how are you, I am doing such and such lately". It would not have to be long, something they can download (her kids so to speak) and send it to you and then you can show your mom? With today's technology the world is getting smaller. I know her duties are large but maybe one of her teenagers could do it..just an idea.

I was in a similar situation with both my sisters. I got angry with them and then I realized the anger was not doing anyone any good. I just decided to let them live their lives, they know where Mom and Dad are. I do not call them and when they call I don't give them a lot of information, because if they are really concerned they will visit. In the end you will not be sorry for all you have done for your Mom. Your sister however may have many regrets.