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We put her into a nursing home in August.

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For some reason I dislike the word "put". I like the word "placed". So you "placed" ur Mom in a NH. Why, because at this stage of her Dementia has gotten to the point she needs 24/7 care that is hard for one person to manage. It now takes a village.

In the perfect world it would be nice to have a parent come live with us but Dementia changes that Norman Rockwell painting. You have no idea from one second to the next what they r going to do or say. They can't be left alone. They get agitated. There is your family. Its not ur fault they have Dementia and bot their fault either. We do what is best for both. Her needing more care and you having less stress. Not all of us are Caregivers. So, try to lose that guilt. Its not good for anyone. Our parents are living longer. Its Seniors caring for Seniors. Think "now". Make her life a little better by helping her adjust.
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You may be depressed also if you were her caretaker you may be experiencing the empty nest syndrome, now what do I do with my life? Your mother is safe, has a roof over her head, so overall she is good, focus on the positive not the negative. Many of us may be in the same predicament later in life, just what it is.
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I experienced odd bursts of tears and I realized that I was actually grieving the loss of my dad while he was still alive.

It is a long goodbye and we lose them bit by bit, I still feel very sad when he does something that is so out of character for who I believed him to be.

I recommend crying when you feel like it, it really does release stress and pressure and it is cleansing. However, if you are just bawling all the time you should see your doctor and make sure that you are healthy and maybe if all is well, they can help you with something short term to get rebalanced.

It is such a difficult way to lose a loved one. Hugs!
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cindY1966 Nov 2019
That is what I do will be good for a bit then one day it will hit me feeling sad and I will cry and it does feel like a death bc I miss my mom I can't just talk to her like I use to a friend at my work said that to about grieving
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Is she on Hospice? I know that when my LO went on Hospice, the social worker really helped me to sort through some feelings that I had. Even though, my LO had had severe dementia for years and had been in MC for years, when she went on Hospice, it really hit me that she was leaving. Even though, she had not been verbal for a long time, I would still cry sometimes out the blue or looking at old photos of the good times. I think that I just miss what we had all those years. I miss the conversations, laughs, jokes......She is my cousin and I have known her my entire life. So, having that end is scary and sad. With dementia patients, I think we grieve their loss, even before their death.
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Because you love and care about her? Because you are human? We had to transition my MIL into a NH 3 years ago and I still struggle with feelings of guilt and sadness. Luckily, she is in a very good NH, which helps. "Back in the day" when people didn't live this long, they were taken more quickly by illness and disease and didn't have to suffer the long, drawn-out, emotionally painful exit. One take-away for me is to start getting my head on straight and realistically about aging and, if I live that long, what can I do now to make it better for me and my LOs, even if I go into a facility. Think about what you can learn from all of it. Coming to grips with how it might go for you and resisting assumptions and romanticizations about your "golden years" would be incredibly production. Make sure all your legal ducks are in a row and review and update them regularly. Spend quality time with your own family now. Think about what memory of yourself, impression, emotional legacy you would want to leave for LOs. I'm sorry for your sadness. I think you just need to keep working through it. May you have peace in your heart!
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I don't think you CAN stop getting upset and crying over the fact that you've lost and are mourning the loss of the mother you've known and loved your whole life.

"Tears are God's gift to us; our holy water. They heal us as they flow."
~Rita Schiano

Oftentimes, we lose our parents long before they pass away. I lost my mother to dementia and a wheelchair & about 10 other health conditions years ago. What's left of her is a mere shell of what once was, full of arguments and derision, always wanting to fight & complain and nit-pick. It saddens me, too, mostly because it's something I can't 'fix'.

We children can't fix our elders' old age or their pain or their troubles, and that saddens us. Which is okay, as long as we don't ruin OUR lives over the situation and forget that they've lived their lives, and we must live ours. We're here for a short enough time as it is, so it's okay to enjoy our days.

Best of luck!
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