I want to be my mother's caregiver. Where do I start and what benefits can I get for her?

Hi Cross
Let me see if I can sort this out. Your mom is 350 miles away but you want to take care of her? Did you mean to move her to your home? Does your sister currently have her POA or did they simply set up a joint bank account for your moms SSI check to be deposited into?
You said a 3 year old nephew. Did you mean a toddler or perhaps a 30 year old nephew?
Is your mother mentally capable of signing a DPOA for you to handle her finances and medical? If not, you will need to petition for guardianship.
Does your mom own her home? Is she on Medicaid? Does she have funds to pay for assisted living or memory care? How would you take care of her while you work? Is it possible that as you believe your mom needs more care that she would be better cared for in a memory care facility than in your home or in her home? If you could give us more information we might be able to help you devise an action list to help your mom.

It is not true that a person diagnosed with dementia cannot sign POA papers. The requirement is that she can understand what she is signing. I know this because my husband signed such papers after he was diagnosed with dementia.

Ooo, dear, deep breaths.

Cross, was there a time in earlier, happier days when you did have a normal conversational relationship with your sister?

The reason I ask is that your situation is hugely complicated by the idea of trying to pull this off behind your sister's back. Therefore, if there is any possibility at all of establishing a dialogue with your sister and planning mother's care with her and your brother's input, that's the way to go.

She's both defensive and aggressive, she's belligerent with you and unpleasant to your mother, she flies off the handle and doesn't listen, her son's moved out..!

I could completely understand why the prospect of trying to start a conversation with her doesn't appeal, hugs.

But then I make allowances, and think what caregiving for a "sweet appreciative lovely lady" did to my own temper and blood pressure, and I wonder if there is actually a reasonable, fair minded and practical woman still just about surviving under all that inside your sister somewhere.

Mother needs a care plan. Your sister's been handling it, in her own way, and it's done a power of no good to her personality. If you possibly can, get everyone to go back to the drawing board and start again. And please, please, before you start picturing roses round the door and your apple-cheeked smiling mother in your home, do a LOT of further reading. You think your sister's become sour and bitter? Well. There but for the grace of God, eh.

It sounds as though your sister may have poa currently? Is mom competent to change that to you?

Is your information about your mother coming from
1. Your mom
2. Your own observation
3. From third party?

We need  to know that first and foremost.

Have you applied for Medicaid for mom?

Even though you know she would be happier, safer, and better cared for with you you mentioned that you have been trying to get her to move for years. To me that signals a real barrier, mom may enjoy your company and you may take better care of her than your sis, but it sounds as though she is not willing to give up her home and independence.

Your mom is the one calling the shots here. If she choses to stay with your abusive sister and hoarder granson, there isn't a lot you can do about it.

Why do mom and SIS have joint account? Or do you mean that sister's name is on the account so that she can pay mom's bills?

Comingling funds is a bad idea.

From my own observation

My sister does not have power of attorney. Yes I want to move her into my home. Obviously I should not be using voice to text LOL. My nephew is 23. She is currently on Medicare and has a supplementary insurance. She owns her home. She my sister only have a joint account for her social security checks to come to. I've tried discussing things with my sister but she becomes extremely belligerent even in front of my mother and that upsets her tremendously. My mom is in really good shape. Her dementia mainly consists of asking me the same questions over and over again not remembering the day or if she has eaten. She's a wonderful woman. Unfortunately I'm having to do everything behind my sister's back. Otherwise I'm afraid that she will say something to my mother that will upset her meaning that my mother would start crying her heart would start racing. She does not have anything in savings. She only has Social Security