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My mother lives around 350 miles from me. My sister lives next door. They have a joint checking account and my sister pays her bills out of her Social Security check. My sister and I do not speak. She totally neglects my mother. She is a hoarder and I believe bipolar. A three year old nephew lives with my mother as well and has now started hoarding in my mother's house. I have to get her out of this situation. I have paperwork to get power of attorney, both medical and financial. I work full-time. My concern is for someone to watch after her while I'm at work. My father was a veteran. Any type of benefits I can get for her? I was going to try to get her to be able to go to the senior citizen center a few days a week. She's a really awesome person fun-loving never complains. It makes me so angry that my sister does not help that's the reason we aren't speaking. Thank you

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Ooo, dear, deep breaths.

Cross, was there a time in earlier, happier days when you did have a normal conversational relationship with your sister?

The reason I ask is that your situation is hugely complicated by the idea of trying to pull this off behind your sister's back. Therefore, if there is any possibility at all of establishing a dialogue with your sister and planning mother's care with her and your brother's input, that's the way to go.

She's both defensive and aggressive, she's belligerent with you and unpleasant to your mother, she flies off the handle and doesn't listen, her son's moved out..!

I could completely understand why the prospect of trying to start a conversation with her doesn't appeal, hugs.

But then I make allowances, and think what caregiving for a "sweet appreciative lovely lady" did to my own temper and blood pressure, and I wonder if there is actually a reasonable, fair minded and practical woman still just about surviving under all that inside your sister somewhere.

Mother needs a care plan. Your sister's been handling it, in her own way, and it's done a power of no good to her personality. If you possibly can, get everyone to go back to the drawing board and start again. And please, please, before you start picturing roses round the door and your apple-cheeked smiling mother in your home, do a LOT of further reading. You think your sister's become sour and bitter? Well. There but for the grace of God, eh.
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Your mom is the one calling the shots here. If she choses to stay with your abusive sister and hoarder granson, there isn't a lot you can do about it.

Why do mom and SIS have joint account? Or do you mean that sister's name is on the account so that she can pay mom's bills?

Comingling funds is a bad idea.
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Even though you know she would be happier, safer, and better cared for with you you mentioned that you have been trying to get her to move for years. To me that signals a real barrier, mom may enjoy your company and you may take better care of her than your sis, but it sounds as though she is not willing to give up her home and independence.
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It is not true that a person diagnosed with dementia cannot sign POA papers. The requirement is that she can understand what she is signing. I know this because my husband signed such papers after he was diagnosed with dementia.
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Sorry. I've got my own aging mother issues right now; she's screaming at the top of her lungs right now; part of sundowning syndrome.

Okay I just re-read everything. You said your mother has dementia but did a doctor diagnose her with this? If there's health records stating this, then you're only option may be to petition the courts for guardianship because an official diagnosis of dementia will rule her not of sound mind.

Also, with you working full-time you'll have to hire in-home caregivers. With a legal guardianship you can sell her home and this will help with the costs of caregiving but there may be a time when the dementia progresses and you just can't deal with it anymore so the next step is a nursing home which is very, very expensive. If you can swing it financially, maybe one option can be that your mother lives with you until her disease gets very, very bad then you tell your nephew it's time to move-out so you can sell the home. Adding a few more years will increase the real estate value, thus giving you a little bit more money for your mother's medical bills.

I think you should first consult with an elder attorney now to see what your options are and be upfront with him/her about the complicated family dynamics.
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Ideally, you'd like to sell her home so she can live with you? Or, you're okay with your nephew living in her home but you just want her to move in with you at your home? Who has the POA on your mother? Your brother?
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My mother owns the home my 23 year old nephew lives there with her.
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You state your mother owns the home, right? Is your sister and nephew living with her and this one reason why you're hesitant on selling the home and moving her into your home? Who is your mother now living with?
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The reason my mother gets upset is because my sister is extremely verbally abusive. Yes my nephew is my sister's son. Unfortunately it's just really complicated situation. I tried to get her to move in with me for years. Would you live in the same state. I picked her up for East her I had her here at my house for 3 days. We had an amazing time together. I did have to shower her and change her adult diapers cut your fingernails and toenails gave her a facial and she finally looked me straight in the eye and said your sister has never done this for me and never will. There is just me my brother and sister my sister is the oldest I am the youngest but she is a huge bully. She has pushed me in front of our mother which is extremely inappropriate. So I know my mom is ready to make the leap. I also know my mom is afraid of my sister and what she will say or think.
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Do you live in a different state than your mother? If so, wait until you have moved her and apply for Medicaid in your state. No point in going through it twice.

If mother gets upset if sister says something about this, how is she going to feel about moving away with you? Is that what she wants to do? Will she willingly sign the POA papers you have, in front of a notary?

Why is the nephew living there? Is this the son of the sister next door?
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My sister does not have power of attorney. Yes I want to move her into my home. Obviously I should not be using voice to text LOL. My nephew is 23. She is currently on Medicare and has a supplementary insurance. She owns her home. She my sister only have a joint account for her social security checks to come to. I've tried discussing things with my sister but she becomes extremely belligerent even in front of my mother and that upsets her tremendously. My mom is in really good shape. Her dementia mainly consists of asking me the same questions over and over again not remembering the day or if she has eaten. She's a wonderful woman. Unfortunately I'm having to do everything behind my sister's back. Otherwise I'm afraid that she will say something to my mother that will upset her meaning that my mother would start crying her heart would start racing. She does not have anything in savings. She only has Social Security
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It sounds as though your sister may have poa currently? Is mom competent to change that to you?
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Hi Cross
Let me see if I can sort this out. Your mom is 350 miles away but you want to take care of her? Did you mean to move her to your home? Does your sister currently have her POA or did they simply set up a joint bank account for your moms SSI check to be deposited into?
You said a 3 year old nephew. Did you mean a toddler or perhaps a 30 year old nephew?
Is your mother mentally capable of signing a DPOA for you to handle her finances and medical? If not, you will need to petition for guardianship.
Does your mom own her home? Is she on Medicaid? Does she have funds to pay for assisted living or memory care? How would you take care of her while you work? Is it possible that as you believe your mom needs more care that she would be better cared for in a memory care facility than in your home or in her home? If you could give us more information we might be able to help you devise an action list to help your mom.
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Have you applied for Medicaid for mom?
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From my own observation
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Is your information about your mother coming from
1. Your mom
2. Your own observation
3. From third party?

We need  to know that first and foremost.
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