I'll try to be brief: just placed my elderly aunt in a personal care home. Got her the biggest room they had - we crammed as much of her own furniture in there as we could.
I'll just cut to the chase: she absolutely did not want to go - but when push came to shove, she went, but under duress. Her main issue is a colostomy that she absolutely refused to learn how to manage. We tried in-home caregivers, but she wouldn't let them help her. There was one caregiver she absolutely adored, but she abused that relationship by calling her at all hours of the day and night to come and fix her bag (even if another caregiver was sitting right there). My siblings and I were at our wits' end and basically told her we tried everything to let her stay, but the time has come to go to PC. So, here we are - and she is acting like a spoiled child.
I have always felt I was the project manager of my aunt's care. I was behind the scenes making sure she had rides to the doctor - shopping trips. I made sure her bills were paid. I was the one she always called for help. Now, I'm the scapegoat, as I was the only available to take her to the ER for a bowel blockage - and the one that ultimately made the decision to have the ostomy placed - instead of having her die of sepsis. She has since told me it's my fault she in the predicament she's in. I should have just let her die. She is one huge pile of self-pity and I am now getting the wrath.
I thought if I put some distance between us, maybe, just maybe, things will get better. But last night at 11:19 PM (I was asleep), she sent me what I wouldn't call a nasty text, but very hurtful. I am a very tolerate person, but honestly, I am ready to completely walk away from her. Should I give it more time? Should I try to understand she is still very angry at being placed? At what point do you choose her own well-being over her toxic behavior (hoping it will be short-lived)? Do I put my big girl panties on and still stay in her life - and manage her finances / care from a distance? How do I know if I'm acting out just as bad as her?
I'm sorry for this long post. I never dreamed I would ever be in this situation. Our aunt has been a wonderful part of our lives since we all have been born. But, I cannot - and will not - be mistreated and unappreciated. Thank you for reading - it made me feel better just writing it down. Hugs to all.
IMO what would help you to navigate this relationship (if you choose to continue) is to educate yourself about dementia. You don't mention it anywhere in your post but what you describe is surely all the signs. Otherwise, she must have a personality disorder or mental illness.
Are you her PoA? If so and if you've had enough you can choose to resign the PoA and allow the courts to assign her a legal guardian. Then you don't have to deal with managing anything or figuring out how she's going to pay for any of it, but you can still visit her if you enjoy the abuse.
Her behavior has been going of for a while and you seem to keep expectin her to at "some point" be someone she hasn't been, never was and never will be. Your job is to decide boundaries with this relationship. The boundaries are for you to defend, not for her to respect (because she won't and she can't).
Kudos for going this many rounds with her but don't stay in the ring unless you want to lose by a TKO.
Since then, my aunt has been rude and totally ungrateful for all of my efforts. As long as I was doing what she wanted, all was well. I stepped away because she has family nearer who can assist, but before that, I was the solve all of her problems, adult sitter.
I should add that when I stepped away and continued to call my aunt to check in or even send her care packages, she would be just as rude and nasty or not even acknowledge me. She pretty much acted like I owed her something.
Your aunt is now in place, so if you want to let her cool off and contact her again, that would be fine. If she continues to be nasty towards you, I would leave her be. We all have feelings and sick or not, we should not be trampled on when we're only trying to do what is best.
I will start, before you answer, with the fact I would resign any POA for an uncooperative (competent) Aunt such as this. She is making very poor decisions and, as she has no mention here of incompetence or dementia, she is free to leave care tomorrow.
I would tell Aunt that if she continues in her attitude you will not continue to act for her IN ANY WAY. If no POA is in place it is time to either GET a POA or to walk away from all of this. Your Aunt is competent to hire her own fiduciary to act for her.
I would ALSO inform Aunt that if she continues to threaten to, or indeed DOES return home you will not be seeing her any more, and you will leave her with the 911 number and get on with your life.
That's how I would handle all of this. I would do it as firmly and gently as able, and I would carry through. Or you can spend your days smashing your head against a brick wall and NO ONE will either thank you or be made happier for it. This isn't a matter of big girl pants. This is a matter of attempting the impossible, and what is impossible is acting on behalf of someone uncooperative.
You NEED to text your aunt that her behavior is hurting you very much. Expect nothing from her, no apology, empathy or words of change. Everything you have done is in her best interest for her health and safety. You are there as a loving family member and will not tolerate abusive behavior from her. Tell her you understand that her health is unfortune but was not created by you and only she can come to terms with her situation. Tell her you are taking a break for two or so weeks (you decide how long you need). You will NOT respond to any texts and are putting her number and the facilities (you don't have to but let her believe you are) and will allow only emergency contact from the facilities admin or medical staff based on their accessment.
Contact the facility yourself and outline everything you posted here and give them direction of what you will be responding to.
Wishing you the best.
I agree with the other posters that it would be good for you to take a break. Remind yourself that she is just unhappy, not with you, but with her life. And, when she begins to verbally assault you, tell her how it makes you feel, then turn around and walk away. Hang up the phone. Block her texts. She will learn this isn't the way to keep you around. Be consistent, and she will learn your boundaries. Yes, you can manage her care and her finances from a distance.
I would also like to suggest that letting your aunt spew abuse isn’t good for her either. Stewing in hatred and rage is messing HER up too, contributing to an overstimulated nervous system and worsening depression. So do the hard but best thing for both of you and cut the abuse off now.
I think you should block her number too for a while she she can't call or text you.
If you're planning on 'putting on your big girl panties' put them on to stand up for yourself and not allow yourself to be verbally abused, scapegoated, or gaslit by your aunt or anyone else.
Give it a few weeks then reach out to your aunt again. Only if you want to. If her attitude towards you has changed, then great. If it's more of the same verbal abuse, scapegoating, and gaslighting cut her off again and wait twice as long to reach out to her again.
You know, a wise person on this forum laid it down perfectly when it comes to caregiving and dealing with our elderly 'loved ones'. At some point the choice becomes them or you. Good luck.
I'd ignore her texts/calls for a couple of weeks and then visit for a quick visit in 2-3 weeks.
Ya'll tried to keep her in her home with caregivers.
A bowel blockage is serious. My best friend had one. She said the pain was extreme and if left untreated you die from sepsis. You did your best at the time.
If you adopt that belief, it might make it easier to decide that you want nothing more to do with her. Just sayin'.
If you think she will learn you could set firm boundaries as to what you will do for her and when.
Turn your phone off or down so if she texts or calls you will not be bothered until the morning.
Are you actually her POA? if so you can inform her that you will no longer act in that capacity. She can get another family member to do her bidding. If there is no other family member then the Court will appoint one when one is needed.
If she is in a personal care home, her needs are being met, 24 hours a day. Your placing her there was all that you needed to do.
I'm glad you felt better writing about it. You don't deserve to be treated that way. I guarantee she will continue to use you as her personal punching bag the minute you let her back into your life.
Please take care of yourself.
93 year old spinster aunt, no other relatives will have anything to do with her, not even my mom. Fell and broke a hip. Sent to Rehab and refused to do the physio. So couldn't return to her sheltered flat as she can't take herself to the bathroom. Put into a care home by our Social Services, has hated it from day 1 and tries to blame me. Doesn't want to interact with others, throws drinks over the carers and fellow residents, no dementia diagnosis, she is just a nasty and selfish person. I have had to do her financial assessment as her money is running out and the authorities will not pay full fees where she is. Saw her today, swore at me, wouldn't co-operate with signing documents, blamed me for wanting to move her again (on Saturday she was insulting the staff, saying she couldn't wait to leave). I have to do a 100 mile round trip to try to get her sorted.
When she moves I will be contacting the social worker to say I cannot help any more, they will have to oversee her 100% (they do manage people who have no relatives). I am 67, just diagnosed with a heart problem. I cannot cope with her drama any longer.
On a previous post a while back, a poster said they had been told by their doctor "it's you or them" when struggling with an awkward relative. I haven't had even 10% of what some of the posters have endured here, but I am no longer prepared to be treated like dirt, even my mom wouldn't do that to me.
Do you see her changing her ways?
There's a quote floating around on this board that says something along the lines of - in the end it's either them or you. I admit to being taken aback by that quote when I first read it. Now, after four years of caregiving... I feel it in my bones.
I also believe it might be helpful to you to remain in the background as POA for the time being so that you know she is alright and you've done your part. You need to be able to walk away from this and never feel that you could have done more or that you made a mistake. It all comes down to what will give YOU peace. It sounds like she won't have peace until she joins her husband. If you feel peace stopping now, then you are probably ready to do so.
I am surprised it hasn't been said in so many words but this was very helpful to me when Alvadeer said something to this effect...You didn't make her old and you didn't make her sick so you shouldn't feel guilty. It is ok to grieve what you once had in and with her.