I am caring for my miserable Dad (91). Will he ever voluntarily go into assisted living?

Why is it important to you that he *volunteers* for AL? If you're waiting for that to happen, well… come on, you know the answer to your question, don't you. Course he won't.

But the point is that I don't see what that has to do with your own decision-making. You cannot be obliged to provide care for him. If you don't want to do it, make alternative arrangements and leave with a clear conscience.

Nope, he won't. Especially not if you're meeting his needs. Even if you pull yourself out of the equation, he could still insist that he's OK on his own.
You'll need to step up and take charge. Get his doctor on your side by writing a letter to him/her before a visit (if he regularly visits the doctor and has a relationship with him or her). Pick out a community and take your dad for a tour.
I don't agree that he's necessarily a bad candidate for AL just because he has dementia. Depending upon the communities available where you live, he could do very well in AL. It's a more lively living environment and it's cheaper. Around here, a resident won't get booted to a dementia unit unless he's an exit seeker or he's abusive of staff or other residents. Many ALs have dementia units anyway, so no need for a move. You said he's in pretty good shape otherwise, so his physical needs could be met by an AL.
Good luck. Hang tough and don't waver. You have much more at stake than he does in winning this battle!

No. My mother is the same way and I just told her I am not capable of caring for her. And I have to say she could care less. It was not until she went into the hospital that I was able to say, "there is no one at home to care for her". and they allowed me time to find a residential care home. My mother still asks to go home and I tell here all the help is here. There is no one at home to care for you. And she lets it go.
Getting the state and social services involved or any other kind of service just doesn't do you any good. I find they are often more work than help.

There is no need for him to go to AL, if you are caring for him. It sounds like he is wholly taking advantage of you. But, I think he is too far gone for AL. If he has dementia, he needs to be on that wing of a nursing home. I want to encourage you to do it and get him in a safe place, for his own good.

Check out some assisted living facilities and tell him you are going out of town or a project at work and the ALF's have what is called Respite Care - tell him you are trying that as he will need to stay there while you are gone... a week... or...it might be that you will feel refreshed.. You can call the facility and see how he is doing.
Or try an agency that has 3 hrs. times. They can come in... Fix your Dad lunch, go for a walk, Take him to the store... What does he like to talk about. Non family members can have a VERY positive effect?

I agree with Isn'tEasy.. I could only tell you what worked for my 91 yr. old MIL, who has been in AL for four yrs. We knew she was slowing mentally and along with her long-time PCP, convinced her to check out continuing care facilities, "just in case." She chose one and put a deposit on it. She had a surgery several months later and was able to go into the NH component., then right into the AL building because of her deposit. She is in good health, other than diagnosed vascular dementia and probable Alzheimers. She can take care of all her personal activities of daily living, but can't function mentally. I should add that while all this was going on, she was given physical and mental testing by her dr., as well as interviews and assessments by the staff of the continuing care facility, and a nurse from John Hancock, with whom she had long-term care insurance.

Before your dad enters any facility, he will be assessed. AL sounds like the way to go since you write that he is in good health, and I assume can take care of himself. AL here costs about $4300, compared to $11,000 per mo. for full fledged nursing home care, so that's something to consider. Also, even though my MIL is in AL, she is in a special group-for which she pays an extra monthly fee- where she gets extra attention and activities geared for the dozen or so similar residents in the bldg. I might also add at this point that we learned my MIL sometimes gets nasty to the staff and other residents and is often "in one of her moods" (the staff's words) but other times is "very sweet". Should the situation arise, she can be moved to the more costly dementia unit. (We hope this doesn't happen, since her LTC insurance has expired and she is now self pay.) This was our experience, and I hope you find it helpful as you negotiate a very difficult situation.

Looloo: no matter how much you do, someone always thinks they know better. Mom had problems with both her hearing aids. With her dementia, she can't even tell if one or the other isn't working or how well its working. All we know is when there is something wrong we end up having to scream for her to hear us. Over a period of two weeks I made five 30 mile round trips, picking up her hearing aid, getting it cleaned, taking it back. Picking up the other taking it to the store to have it sent to be repaired, only to have to go back to Mom's and find out the other one wasn't working either. Back and forth, etc. So I run into two of her friends in the hallway - and what do they do? They bawl me out because I should be buying her new hearing aids like they have and I should be doing something to help her. Of course, they have no idea she NEVER cleans them, refuses to go down and have them cleaned when the lady comes to the facility. She loses the tools, peels the tabs off the batteries and puts them all together so the batteries are half dead when she uses them and she puts the dead ones back with the new ones. But, no, its all our fault she can't hear! I had all I could do not to blow up and tell them to go "you know where", but they are old ladies and they stick together and I'm the bad guy@#!!

Yes, I get that too. Also from my spouse who has put off getting hearing aids for the past three years! (and he is young and mentally fit) After a while, repeating every single thing you say, you shout because you are so da_ _ annoyed and disgusted that you are the one who is taking the brunt of something THEY should be fixing instead of forcing you to compensate for them.

You know, I think sometimes of the idea that "us amateurs" can take care of our elders better than professional. How many of us think that we could teach our children better at home? Not I. School is also regimented. My mom moved to independent living (capital I, capital L) because she lived in a three level suburban house with no close neighbors, no access to public transportation and regular panic attacks. She ended up enjoying a stress-free lifestyle in IL. Unfortunately, she had a stroke after just over a year and developed dementia and lung problems. She is now is a good NH and getting good care; family visits often and we spend a great deal of time advocating for her and fixing the little things that go wrong. She's had pneumonia several times, totally asymptomatic. She would have died on my watch several times this year if it were not for the monitoring she's gotten in the NH.

AmyGrace, do you also get the indignant "there's no need to shout!" when she finally does hear you??? You can't win...