Are visits to my Dad worth it if they are also agitating?

neomia, There are certain times a day that I just don't see my mother-in-law, since she gets worse in the afternoons to evenings (sun-downers) but she's not TOO bad in the mornings. Honestly it's a crap shoot as to whether she'll be completely out of sorts when I pick her up, or not. I live in the moment with her, and have for years now. There are times we laugh about her not remembering her family, and we're just silly about it. Then there's times she is agitated and mad at herself for not remembering. Like I said...crap shoot. One thing that I have stressed from the beginning however, is it NOT her fault. It's not her fault she can't remember her 3 boys sometimes, or me, or the husband she had for 60 years. I down play it and just talk matter factly about the years past and what,when,where and with whom she did things. I do find after awhile of going back far enough in her long-term memories that I'll 'prime the pump' so to speak and she'll remember someone's name or whatever. Crap shoot still. She has fun in the moment though, so that'll have to do for now. Hang in there. Look for the good times of day for your dad, and give him permission to forget. Because like I said, it's not his fault. And remind him he was a good dad for a long time, and that's all you care about. Sorry.

Possibly there might be a chance you could relieve the pressure or stress on him by teaching everyone who comes to see him never to "test" whether he knows them or not, but just say Hi, it's _____ your (sister, daugther, son, cousin) and plan easy low stress activity or just chilling out with th TV or a movie or some activity they might have.

Oh dear. Two equally unattractive choices:

1. His friends and family gather round, he doesn't reliably recognise them, he gets upset and reproaches himself.
2. He is reaching the end of his life and he can't see his family and friends for the tumbleweeds.

It's easy for me to say which I think is the more easily handled unattractive choice, because I'm not the one who has to be with him when he's upset. But the way I see it, you can do something to manage visits so that he enjoys the company, but cut it short if it's not going well or he's not having fun. Whereas if you discourage visitors, you're eventually going to find yourself having to explain why everyone seems to be avoiding him. Rather you than me.

The thing to do, then, would be to spell out to visitors a few rules before they arrive, such as: keep conversation light and easy, and let him be the one to introduce memories if he's having a good day; no hand-wringing or wailing about his loss of recall, or not to his face at least; be prepared to be shown the door if anyone gets upset, with no hard feelings.

If they can't hack it, then they'd better not come. You'll need to be fairly blunt with them, but that's better than your father feeling isolated, isn't it?

Perhaps the visits could be more about love and less about testing a memory your father doesn't have.

You might tell people ahead of time that he won't recognize them and coach them how to avoid conversation that could upset him. Anything that begins with "Do you remember . . .?" is taboo.

I like the way my mother's physical therapist handles this. EVERY time he comes in, he looks straight at Mom, speaks in a loud voice (she's nearly deaf) and says, "Hi. I'm Matthew. I'm a physical therapist. I’m here to help you to walk better."

Mainly what’s significant to your father is the present moment. An exception would be conversations about periods of time your father still remembers. My mother's memories, for example, stop back when she was working at a department store afternoons and weekends during high school and then into her early 20s. Usually, she speaks as if I am her sister.

It’s nice to have visitors come in and break up the monotony of daily living. They just need to understand it’s not about them. Here’s hoping you can find compromises that will make these experiences pleasant for all concerned.

I remember a story from some time ago that always stuck in my mind. A elderly gentleman would come to visit his wife who had Alzheimer's and lived in a nursing home, and he would feed her lunch and dinner. Then someone ask him why does he visit her twice a day when she doesn't remember him.... he said "but I remember her".

Neomia,
I am not one to turn to meds, but if he is facing his mortality within 1 year, there is no sense in waiting. There are "happy pills" that will trick his brain into a little contentment. Then he may enjoy and appreciate the love his family wants to share with him. Talk to the DR about the meds, no time to waste.
Best wishes to you in this very trying time.
L

Hospice is wonderful! They can come in because of the diagnosis. Your doctor needs to request them and you can meet with them and they will do an assessment (like a check up) on your Dad.

Neomia, Just a thought about Hospice, I thought death had to be months or weeks away , for them to come . But I found out ,when taking care of my spouse, that is not the case. Hospice will come in, if patient has a continuous , declining health condition, from which recovery is not expected. They were a tremendous help to our family. Nurses and SW will address all of the questions you have ( they have heard them all ). They can suggest meds that may help or diplomatic ways , of handling friends and visitors. I found hospice to be a great help. Just ask friends for recommendations, as there are a number of Hospice groups out there, and some are much better than others. God Bless you for being your Dad's advocate.

The best answer I can give is "you can't regret something you have done, but you can regret not doing something". When someone has dementia, the lucid moment when memory is alive, is a blessing beyond measure. On the days your Dad may not remember you or someone who is visiting, know that the visits are still important to the person who wants to be with someone who is facing the end of their life.
It is a good idea to have soft music on when visitors are around as it is soothing to someone with dementia. Visitors should not continually try to correct your dad...if he thinks Mary is Jane (as an example), then Mary should be Jane since he will cause less agitation. Lastly, if a doc has prescribed medication...definitely use it! Each person is different but medication for someone who has dementia can truly change their lives for the better. I have the honor and privilege of working with people with dementia and I sure do hope this note helps. Most importantly, I hope that you know that helping to dignify someone's life, especially when they Re facing the end of their life, is truly the most important thing you could ever do. It is life changing for you and it is God's work.

Just wanted to add that if you don't like the prescribed medications, contact the doctor's office and ask to try something else. And keep trying. The right match can make a world of difference.