Venting and asking for advice: Problems with sisters and mom's estate. Any suggestions?
Howdy all. My Mom passed away on Easter. I was her POA for finances and medical care, and I'm now her successor executor with Sister 1 being the executor. Some of you may remember my two sisters are narcissistic. S1's having a rough time with Mom's passing. I get that, but she refuses to face the paperwork involved, but she had the energy to get with Mom's lawyer and go nuts about my handling of Mom's finances, even getting Sister 2 involved, and spun up all to the point they accused me of mishandling Mom's finances. After all my work in the past years to arrange Mom's finances and her house so we would't have to go through probate, Mom's lawyer said he'd file for probate and force an accounting. At one point I worried sick whether I needed a lawyer and worried I'd be arrested. Neither sister talked with me about anything other than to be nasty to me.
Finally, Sister 2 arrived one morning with a list of questionable transfers the lawyer wanted me to explain and show receipts. I answered every question, pulling up the monthly statement that I've always compiled, and why it happened. I showed her my notes. They questioned the amounts that I transferred reimbursing myself for Mom's expenses (I can't afford to pay her expenses, only my own). She tried to argue that I should have separated all expenses. I said, "That's stupid. We drink the same milk, use the same roll of toilet paper, and eat the same meals."
I showed S2 all the receipts, notes and how I accounted for Mom's and my expenses--a tedious but easy system. The amounts matched what I transferred every month, and she understood it all. Finally, she said she had no more questions and called S1 immediately that she was satisfied with all my answers and the receipts, that I wasn't nervous at her questioning (I hid it great apparently), and that she believes my accounting of Mom's money was satisfactory. S1 was like "Okay, I'll notify Lawyer."
I can't stand it. They put me through another hell immediately after Mom's death, never having included me in any talks about Mom's finances, and didn't even apologize or anything for accusing me after working so hard to Mom's benefit.
Now, S1 constantly exclaims that she can't handle Mom's checking account, the life insurance claim, other finances, and has done nothing about dealing with Mom's estate--except getting the lawyer spun up and then when I offered to write the check for a pharmacy bill we got for Mom, she said she didn't know how much was left in Mom's checking account. I exclaimed, "There's eight thousand dollars in there!" She admitted being told to remove a lot and she doesn't even know how much she took out! She doesn't know anything and just flails her arms.
At that point, I am refusing to touch anything to do with Mom's finances, even the checking account, and I'm on the account. I refused her tonight when she pushed me to write the checks. I will not write a check or do anything with the finances after being dragged into hell for no reason. After Mom died, I had asked her if she wanted me to take over as executor. (Before Mom died S1 was happy to agree to my being executor as S1 said she couldn't do it.)
Now I'm concerned about what's happened with Mom's finances and whether she will properly take care of Mom's estate. The bills are still sitting here. I don't want the responsibility of being executor at this point. I do NOT want to put myself out there for Sisters' abuse anymore.
Do any of you have any suggestions? I go back home at the end of this month. We have a buyer for Mom's house. I can't wait to go home, but I do feel a desire to make sure Mom's estate is properly taken to its end. Right now I'm scared that will not happen.
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On a side note, I had expected to act as Mom's executor. She appointed my sister, S1, as the executor and me as her successor executor in her will, but S1 was adamant for years she couldn't do it and didn't want it. I told her, since I had all her accounts that I already had all the information and would do it. She was relieved about that. But when Mom died, when I asked her if she wanted to step down from it, she just waved her arms and said, "We'll all do it together."
Needless to say, I took that to mean she'd do it, but I learned fast there was no way I'd touch any finances of Mom's estate because S1 was acting so weird and removing Mom's funds.
One of the two attorneys I spoke with was Mom's own attorney. He was horrifically rude when I said I wanted to go through probate because of S1 and S2's actions and I wanted to ensure Mom's wishes and final accounting was proper. He said "there was no estate to go through probate." I was flabbergasted.
I'm curious, did the will go through probate? I ask, because we are in the midst of probating my mom's will. Every couple of weeks since she died back in August, I'd get a letter from the attorney for the estate with an accounting, asking if I wanted to challenge anything. And finally the other day, an accounting of what we were each getting, and again, asking if I wanted to file a challenge. Is that the same process you went through?
Happy future! HUGS 2U!
So sorry that it worked out this way. Please, let it go. Maybe not today but soon. I would never talk to ur sisters again. You have a very good reason not to. Go on with ur life and make a family from friends. What goes around comes around. And it does! I have seen it. Someday they will come to you for something and please say no. They will probably go right thru their inheritance because they r greedy people. You owe them nothing. Just know, you were there for Mom. Something good is in ur future.
For leaving my home empty, sequestering myself in my mom's house to be her full-time caregiver and give my two sisters a break, putting my life on hold on 14 months, damaging my mental, emotional, and physical health, I've lost or went deeper into a hole of about $14,000. I can't but think Mom would be appalled.
So, bottom line: be aware that an executor can ignore the deceased's will and intent, steal from a beneficiary, and get away with it. I float between rage, numbness, exhaustion, and tears.
I'm so sorry that you lost your mom and have had to face all this crap from your siblings. You should have been paid well for carrying their lack of care for your mom. Protect yourself and go be happy.
HUGS 2U!
Good for you for insisting on probate.
They'd analyzed my monthly financial statements to Mom and concluded I wasn't entitled to reimbursements for much of the car expenses. They plan to "dock" me and lower my inheritance about $7,000 because of it. As S2 went through the list, she repeated numerous times "This'll cost yah." As with everything those two throw at me, I was stunned. Sister 2 said she'd send me a spreadsheet of what they said I'm not entitled to. It's been over a week and I still haven't received it.
I had vacillated between just accepting whatever money I'm sent and never have to speak to them again (because I'm still worn out of it all and I had decided last year I'm never speaking to them again as they're no loss to me) or fighting. I chose the latter. I've had it with my sisters' narcissism and abuse.
Last week I left a message with Mom's lawyer that I have concerns over the handling of the estate. I will tell him I want to go through probate and get a post-death accounting of Mom's finances.
The lawyer hasn't returned my call yet but my view is I have serious concerns from Sister 1's (the executor) handling of the finances since Mom's death, and I do not believe S1 and S2 can retroactively refute what I did since I believe they're all reasonable.
Plus, I will tell the Lawyer I want S1 and S2 to explain to the judge how is it they were paid monthly for any care or expenses they may have incurred on Mom's behalf--yet I was never paid. I want them to tell the judge why they were reimbursed 100% for any expenses they chose to incur, such as buying Mom clothes she didn't need or yard improvements that weren't necessary, yet they deny my reimbursements for about half the car expenses--the car I wouldn't have had in the first place had I stayed home.
I'll accept a judge's decision--if the judge agrees with S1 and S2, I'll apologize and make it right--but I will not accept S1 and S2's decision as this smacks of being personal and them padding their own wallets at my expense, which is illegal. Whichever way it goes, I'll be happy to have been given a fair review.
ROVANA: Thank you for your earlier post about probate can be a good thing. I've thought so often of it. You're a main reason why I'm pushing for probate--let the truth prevail.
I'll go to the bank and get a statement of my own. I'm perfectly entitled to see it. In the several hours I couldn't sleep last night, this'll be my own checking up on S1 to see when/how much she removed, maybe start a private list of money transfers and ensure she presents us with a full and accurate accounting later on.
Bottom line: I'm not taking over as executor if S1 steps down. I won't put myself through Sisters' harassment though in a few weeks I'll be out of state. I think I'm going to do one of two things: pull items from the box of finances and keep such things as all the receipts (since S2 said she saw no red flags in my handling of them) and other papers S1-executor won't need; or scan things in so I can honestly say EVERYTHING is there. I prefer the second. It's all in my computer.
Thank you all for your suggestions!
By the way, once probate started, dad's savings/checking account was wiped out, only under $100.00 remain. The lawyer's secretary told my SIL that she was surprised that nobody took out all the money from the account after he died.
And transparency is crucial. A lot of problems start because of lack of transparency, of not having information. Sometimes family members say they don't want to get involved and then later they question, when they should have paid attention in the first place. But sometimes family members don't get involved because they know the "golden child" is sacrosanct and it would be a waste of time and cause nothing but bad feeling if they did assert themselves.
You’ve gone through an awful lot & your mom just passed away.
Your sisters can wait, really.
Shame on them, for goodness sakes.
You need to decompress and just grieve.
Yep, my thoughts exactly. Scan or photocopy everything and keep a file. Keep the originals handy in case they come asking for it. If I were you, I wouldn't write out any checks. You are Not the executer to do this. Don't do anything that would get them to accuse you of touching the money. You offered, you tried. They obviously don't trust you. So, back away...
If sister is telling the truth (is she? or is she bluffing?) that it's going through probate, you would have received a letter from the lawyer about it. We're going through this now with my father. We siblings received the letter from the lawyer which included the copy of the Will and the court date. We went to court. The judge called each one of us - one at a time - to identify ourselves, how we were related to the deceased and do we approve our brother (assigned by Dad's Will ) to be the Executer and of the Will.
Just be careful about signing anything as 'executor'. Your sister may be acting dramatic to 'woe is me', etc.. knowing if she draws it out, you will be going home soon. You know them better. Go with your guts. Decide if it's worth stressing over. You take care. {HUGS}
Have a safe trip back to your home, Mountain; you done good!
I have all Mom's finances and personal business--every scrap of paper--all boxed up in a two-foot-long box, with an envelope in cash (less than $100), her Visa card, and a CD of every electronic file of Mom's that are on my computer. Three times I've asked her to let me walk her through the box. S1 refuses to even look at any of it.
I would leave these two to their own devices and go home.