I’ve recently had a baby (4 months old) and have returned to work full time. I am my father’s medical and financial POA and manage his care inside of a nursing facility. I am the youngest in my family I have two older brothers who do not lift a finger for my dad leaving all the work to me and my husband. I see my dad on the weekends and my husband goes to see him two times a week. My one brother will come into town maybe once every two months and will go see him maybe twice during this time my other brother who lives closer to my father than I do will go with him to see him but other than that they have no part in any of it. My father has been ill with vascular dementia for about 10 years now has been in a nursing home for four of those years and it has been like this the entire time. I am different now than what I was before this happened from the trauma with dealing with it a lone without them my husband is my support system Thank God for him. I feel so wildly overwhelmed with guilt about not going to see him more often in the week I used to go at least three times a week but now I’m exhausted my baby wakes up a lot in the night and after I’m done with work, I’m dead. I feel so terribly for him he doesn’t deserve for his boys to treat him like this. I have had so many conversations with them about this and still they do nothing. When dad has to go to the hospital I’m the one with him not leaving his side. My one brother who lives closer to him gets very very upset when I get angry about him not doing anything and leaving everything for me. Not to mention I have an extraordinary expensive storage unit with my parents things in it that the three of us split the cost of that goes up every year and this year is the year that it will surpass $650 a month but do they try to be proactive and clean it out? No, that’s all on me. Please tell me I’m not a lone in having incredibly crappy siblings. I actually didn’t speak with my brother who lives closer to me for 8 months because he doesn’t help me one bit I recently saw him at a funeral so I spoke with him then. I am drowning and I don’t know what to do. I love my dad dearly
It’s not at all unusual for family members not to help. That won’t improve as long as you shoulder so much of the burden. It might not improve even if you back off a bit, but it’s worth trying.
Find out if you can set up FaceTime visits with dad rather than going there. The facility should be able to help with that. If dad isn’t cognitive enough to enjoy FaceTime, are you sure your frequent visits are registering with him? Evaluate the situation and try to lessen your participation in his life.
Two good reasons to change things are your husband and baby. Dad has lived his life, and your own family needs you more than he does. Plus you must take care of yourself. No way after only four months after childbirth should you be doing so much. You need to recover and rest!
Tough choices, but you can do it. I wish you luck in this difficult situation.
What a difficult situation. Hope you can get some relief. Thinking of you.
The elephant I see here is you are female, right?
What do you say?
How males vs females are *expected* to care for their parents? How do you think this is effecting your situation?
Secondly, how often you visit your Dad is up to you. What causes the guilt of you don't go so often? (I am asking myself the same thing by the way).
Lastly, the storage unit. It's gotta go, yes? Why hold all that stuff?
But. A new baby. Even a super woman can't do everything at once.
Practically, I would pay the storage until I could arrange time & brain energy to deal with the the storage stuff.
Please please do something nice for yourself today.
You will never change your brothers but you can change yourself, so quit putting these unrealistic expectations on yourself, and just do what you can when you can.
Your dad would not want you killing yourself over him this I know, so take a deep breath and go snuggle with that precious child of yours.
And I second letting the storage unit go as none of you need any of the stuff that's in there anyway, so why continue paying on it. Let someone that actually needs what's in there have it.
Let go of the storage unit. Tell your brothers you won't be paying for it. So, if they don't cover that expense, and don't go clear it out, then it will become the property of the storage company. Good. So what. Problem solved.
Let go of visiting your Dad so often. My MIL was in a very nice LTC facility 3 miles from my home for 7 years. My husband visited her for a few hours on Sundays. She often forgot he visited shortly after he left due to her memory impairment. You visiting your Dad is not improving his quality of life no matter how guilty you feel. You can feel gried, but not guilt.
You can also choose to resign your PoA if your brother don't step in (and they probably won't so stop expecting *anything* from them). You can't control what other people do, you can only control yourself.
You need to be your best for your family. Peel your fingers off the other things so that you are there for them, and yourself.
Put LIMITS on it.
1. A MONEY limit
2. A TIME limit
Costs & energy should be prioritied for baby. The storage unit is sucking both but the reality is it won't disappear by magic.
Talk with your husband about what is affordable & for how long. Eg 6 months.
Then, go visit. Take a look, remind yourself what's there.
Think about any items you REALLY want to keep for your own family. CHOOSE them.
Smaller items may be taken by your husband (eg favorite vases, photo albums). Larger items by a hired furniture mover. (Be very careful moving or lifting anything yourself in the post baby stage as ligaments may still be over flexible).
Then comes the task of letting the rest go.
If your brother's are anything like my husband & his brother, they won't want a thing.
ASK THEM up front. Do you actually WANT any of the items?
They may be only paying to keep the peace.
Another thought: It may even be a better use of funds to HIRE a professional organiser or estate cleaner to help you sort?
Give up your portion of the storage unit. Personal advice I take frequently is if you haven't used or looked at the items in over 6 months it holds no value to you. I will seem as if you are giving up but you are NOT. Give you brothers an ultimatum. All three find an auctioneer to sell the contents and split the proceeds. If they are not down with that do not sign your name on the renewal contract and wash your hands of the situation.
I wish you peace and strength during this difficult period. Please take care of yourself.
I finally told myself I am not the one who will feel guilty when her journey is over. As the oldest and a girl, it was always me who was there for my parents. I made mistakes along the way but I refuse to feel guilty. You just have to come to the point you aren't going to get the help. You also are not going to be angry about it. What goes around comes around.
Your Dad has Dementia, he has no idea what time it is or what day it is. My Aunt was in AL. Mom, SIL, went to visit her. On the way out my other Aunt, Aunts sister, was going in. When the sister got to Aunts room she said "I see P was visiting". My Aunt said "P has not been here". Your Dad has no idea how many days its been since you visited. His days just run into each other. Right now you need to be there for a new baby and job. Dad is safe and cared for. And me, I would get rid of that storage unit. Why are you keeping things your Dad will never need. If Dad can't afford to pay for it, you should not be. I cleaned my Moms house out. Called habitat for humanity and they took all the furniture. Clothing went to charity. Household items went to charity thrift shops.
You can ask your siblings for very specific kinds of help (your requests need to be detailed with dates, not just "can you pitch in sometime"). Keep in mind that not everybody can or will give the same amount of time or energy to a thing. They don't have to help.
I’m in the same life stage - young kids, full time career, and caring for a parent in a facility. A few years in and I’ve gotten better about prioritizing my own family and letting go of the guilt, though it still pops up.
Having a newborn is no joke. I recommend cutting back your visits to 2x a month until your child is 6 months to a year with zero guilt.
I try to remind myself that my goal is to make sure my mom is safe and cared for - I can’t fulfill her need for family and social connection by myself. It’s not my fault that other family won’t step up and her friendships have faded and it’s not my responsibility to try to fill that gap.
You need to be as healthy and rested as possible right now for your child and recognize that you’re in a phase of life where you can’t be everything to everyone and live on fumes. It’s not fair to your child and your health will suffer.
I struggle with resentment for my siblings. People show you who they are and now I have more information about their character. It will forever change our relationship but I try not to stay in the anger. I tell myself they lack the skills to dig in when life gets hard and I wouldn’t want to trade places.