Update on Mom, things are going reasonably well. I will be gone for Holidays, worried about backlash from her.

Thanks for your support, I have been doing things for me and made many trips without Mom. I think these trips are bore noteworthy in my mind because it's the Holidays. Her Tuesday caregiver asked about taking Mom to the library on Tuesday. Mom said she still had three books, and Caregiver reminded her that it would be a week before they could get back to the library, Mom insisted she was fine.
The next morning (yesterday) at 9am Mom was calling me asking to go to the library. She called another five times, I let them all go to voice mail.
I answered her call this morning and told her that the library was closed today, and she was unhappy about that. Then I tried to mention that on Tuesday she still had three books to read, hoping she would go check the books and say, "oh, you are right" but instead she yelled and screamed at me that I was lying.
Clearly, my attempt was the wrong approach.
The minute we were off the phone, my husband started in. He's trying to be helpful by telling me things I should have said. I should have said, "mom, I will take you as soon as I can once the library opens back up"
Why didn't I think of that?
Anyway, his "helpfulness" just feels like further criticism right after listening to my Mom scream in frustration.
Sometimes my mind is blank and I don't say anything because I'm pretty sure nothing I say will have the desired outcome.

Yes, well, it's a bit tricky to think of the deft riposte when your mother's yelling at you down the phone, isn't it? On account of your head swimming and all that.

Besides, husband's suggestion, while always worth a try, assumes that your mother will respond rationally to being reassured that she will be taken to the [expletive deleted] library as soon as it opens.

She won't, you know. But by all means, try it next time, it can't hurt. And if it doesn't work and you have had more than enough, then try "mother. BUGGER the library books!" and hang up on her.

Heavy sigh. My guess is that you will remember this a lot longer than she will. No harm done.

JjGood - I use to call that “reply roulette”. Also “it’s like a box of chocolates- you never know what you’re gonna get”.

Even though Mom is being cared for there is some stress on your part. You need a break. Mom will have a nice dinner at her facility. If they have it early and u can join her. do. Does she know what day it is? If not, then she won't know when TG and Christmas are. Do u visit everyday? Is she aware when you don't. My Mom wasn't so a few days away didn't effect her at all. If u have to exlain, just say u and hubby are going away alone. You don't have to elaberate.

My mom is in memory care and I recognized many of these common behaviors. Go on your holiday and enjoy yourself and refresh.

Director explained to me and my experience is that each day is a reset for these folks. They don’t keep track of days or “think/obsess over what you are doing”; they won’t know how long you’ve been gone, haven’t visited or even remember it’s a holiday. Director tells me they keep everything routine for those folks because it’s comforting for them and the environment they are used do and find comfort. Travel in most cases raises their anxiety and confusion and exhausts them. So leave her knowing she’s safe, not obsessing over you and you and family have a good time.

The staff at Mom's memory home have taken away her 8lb weights and all her scissors, she has apparently threatened one or two of them, so they aren't taking any chances. Everyone has noticed how angry she gets, at the drop of a hat, over something really minor and normally not on her radar. I saw it happen today, it was like a switch went off and she was suddenly FURIOUS that her chap stick wasn't pink. And up to that point, we had been having a fun visit and I had gotten her to laugh several times. We see the neurologist late January, and they have increased some of her mood medicine's in the mean-time.

It is sad that your mom is no longer able to travel. It is sad that she is losing cognitive skills and memory. It would be very surprising if you didn't feel bad about those things. But I'm very glad you aren't feeling "guilty" about these things you have no control over.

Enjoy your holiday trips. If Mom does get upset, do your best to take it in stride and just move on with your usual visits.

And thanks for the update!

Thank you for updating us about your Mom. I'm sorry to hear about the travelling though. My mom is also in a memory care unit and I went out of town for a concert and felt guilty. When I got back, I told her about the concert and she was thrilled that I had actually done something for myself! The next day she didn't even remember the conversation. You should not feel bad and go enjoy yourself. You are a good person to do so much for your mom!

Thank you Rovana and Sunflo for your ideas and words of support.

The obsession about the library books seems to be resolved and has moved on to other things. Mom is very angry a lot of the time, much like she was this summer for about a month, during which time we tested for UTI (negative) and adjusted her meds, a small increase in one of the mood/anxiety drugs.

We (caregivers, me, memory home staff) have all noticed her increased agitation and have discussed increasing or tweaking her medicine again. I think she's mostly bored. She has tons of energy and no physical impairments, and has never been good at sitting still. I don't want her stoned into a stupor, but I don't want her raging and angry all the time either.

Two days ago she was very angry about the new bathrobe we gave her for Christmas, that obsession continued to the next day and was promptly forgotten, only to be taken over by a new one: all her cash was "stolen" all $20 of it. Most likely it's tucked into a weird pocket of her purse, since her paranoia has increased.

She also didn't recognize the senior photo of my daughter in the frame and wants me to replace this person she doesn't know with a different photo. (to be honest, my daughter is 17, but looks about 12, but she was all done up with the make-up & hair for her portraits and looks much older in them.)

That and mom is mad as heck that the dining room at her memory care home is cold. It's cold because it has these big beautiful windows and tall ceilings, hard to keep warm when it's winter.

She's gotten into a habit of calling me after breakfast every day, which is some time after 8am. I have decided to quit answering the morning call in the hopes that she will quit calling me that early, since she has no idea what day of the week it is, there might be that one or two days a month I am actually capable of sleeping in and she'll be calling me to tell me the dining room is cold.

Oh well, hopefully this angry/venting phase will pass too.

I wish I could fix things for her, but I can't. That's the hardest thing to come to terms with.

JJ, this is SUCH a hard stage! Watch Teepa Snow videos! "Oh mom, I"m so sorry that I forgot about that, so stupid of me, I'll get that next time I'm out".

You have to be REALLY ego-less to deal with a parent with dementia. Be well, my dear!