Update. 2 months since I’ve talked to my mom!

Give it time and see how you feel in a million years or so.

Seriously, you need a while to process what you are feeling. Congratulations on getting free of a bad situation.

Take the time you need.
Wait for her to reach out to you in a kind and human manner.
If not, continue to enjoy your freedom.

There is nothing wrong with not feeling guilty for not talking to her.

Quite frankly, I don't see the dilemma.

No judgement from me. Do whatever you need to do to feel peace in your life.

If there is healing later on, great. If not, I am sorry but it is better to be separated from your mom than to live in misery.

Excellent news, great work!
what will you do next?

One question - are you still POA, and doing that work? I'm curious myself - are you able to pay her bills etc, get that done but not talk to her? if so- great!

or did you resign as POA?

You feel guilty for not feeling guilty. Nothing is wrong with you. You gave Mom a lot of yourself. Tried to make her life easier and she turned on you. And you walked away which was a good thing. Let her reach out to you. If that happens then the relationship in on your terms.

There may be a time that you may feel you need to reach out. But, Mom may see that as u crawling back. Better she reaches out. For now, enjoy your freedom. You are a stronger person. Let ur brother take on Moms care. I would wonder if she is getting the attn from brother that you gave her?

Nothing wrong with you, you are spreading your wings. I haven't spoken to my mother in 13 years, the happiest 13 years of my life.

It was her or me, I chose me. I couldn't take the abuse one day longer.

You are going to be just fine. Nothing to feel guilty about!

Wishing you the very best!

A weight has been lifted. Doesn’t mean you should feel guilty . Don’t waste it. Be good to yourself .

If you want to see Mom at some point , keep boundaries . And remember , her problems are not your fault. You did not make her old and you can not fix old.

I can tell you that my husband and I were not treated well by his father after my mother in law died.

Yeah, it hurts at first. I can’t say that time heals all wounds. We are left with scars. I can say that as time goes by, the pain lessens and it doesn’t sting as much. We find out that we can flourish and live an independent life, in spite of being scared.

After a certain period of time, we hardly notice the scars anymore. Once in a while there are a few things that will remind us of things that should have never happened.

We can take time to reflect for a moment but it’s important not to become stuck in the past.

You’re going through these conflicting emotions right now because it is fresh in your mind. In time, you will see that you made the only choice you could have, in order to remove yourself from the line of fire.

My husband cut ties with his dad. He moved on. His dad called shortly before dying from his assisted living facility asking for my husband to go see him. I asked him if he wanted to go and told him that I would support whatever he wanted to do.

Covid hit and my husband wasn’t able to visit. I asked him if he was sorry that he didn’t get to see his father. He said that he wasn’t sorry. He didn’t want to rehash all of the pain from the past.

My husband no longer saw his father as a dad because he had been out of my husband’s life for so long. Sadly, they weren’t especially close when he was a child.

Wishing you peace and hope for better days ahead.

WWYD?
My mom texted me Friday afternoon after a few months of not speaking. Her text was, ‘so and so is back at happy hour.’ She sent a picture and a video. I haven’t responded yet. I actually have no desire to respond. There was no, I wish you were here, give me a call, hope all is well. Ugh .

She's trying to reel you back in. Don't take the bait.

Twinkletoes, she's fishing, don't bite.

You have no desire to respond, listen to yourself. You know what you're doing where she's concerned.

I would mark it as spam so I didn't have to receive future texts.

She knows what she did, she can apologize or live with no contact.

Thanks for your update below, Twinkle, and I agree with so many others, that this is fishing. IF you respond make it as meaningless as her own missive. Something like. "Good". And nothing else.

She is playing you.
I would speak with her only when you get "I miss you; can we talk".
And even then I would say "Sure, we can talk, but as soon as the talk turns to old habitual ways I will be gone another two months". And that's what I would then do.

Good luck.

Why don't u have her blocked? Or do textscstill come thru. Ignore it. You need a heart felt apology. Even then u do not go back to the old habits.

I blocked a long time friend because she left me a VM screaming at me for something I knew nothing about. Turns out she had the wrong info and had nothing to do with me. This I found out from a mutual friend. I never got an apology from this friend. She did contract cancer so I had caps sent to her. Did send her books. Thru a friend she asked me to call her, I did. She died never apologizing. I had gotten tired of being the one who apologized just to keep a friendship going. It seemed sometimes my feelings didn't matter and they do.

Thats where you need to get. You did not deserve to be treated the way u were after doing everything for Mom. You deserve to be apologized to and Mom means it.

You woke up! Good for you!

Of course you will see her again....when you WANT to.

15 Yrs ago my mom, pretty much disowned me , for leaving my mental abusive husband. I kept in touch, now and then. Then my father passed , 4 yrs ago and I am her main caregiver, still dealing with her guilt trips, doing everything I can.

About 20 percent of me feels like I did the right thing, 80 percent feels like I should of ran when I had the chance.

There is no easy good answer for this. The guilt of not helping at all would of killed me. I will say 4 yrs ago I should of kept things alot more distance.

Looking back I think I started doing it because I wanted my mothers love and approval, now I realize that will never happen.

Just do it for the right reasons

Ugh! My son took away my I TOLD YOU SO moment.
Since I've cut off all contact with my mother, I've been waiting for that day. The day she needs me or my brothers see she's a lot of work. My son calls me and tells me my one brother came banging on his door. He tells my son he needs to watch my mom from 5 to 8. Her caregivers leave at 5. The other brother went to a concert. This brother had plans with his girlfriend and didn't want to be inconvenienced. My son said, no problem. I was livid that my brothers dared to use my son. I was also angry at my son for agreeing to do this. I told my son you took away my moment! My husband said look on the bright side. At least your son is a good person. Errrrr 
I told my son to never let them use you again. This is their baby to rock. 
I'm not sure if I should tell my son what to do. I feel bad now. Should I tell him he should do what he wants?

I wish I could feel
like you…I feel as if something will happen at any moment and guilty for not wanting to, or not visiting her every day I just can’t do it anymore. I’m tired I’m exhausted I have no life except for work and I often wonder what’s going to happen to me after she’s gone I wish you all the best I wish I could think more like you as well, I think you’re doing well it’s so hard

Twinkle, saying "I told you so" rarely is the right thing to do

Your son is an adult and hopefully he knows how to say "no" when he can't do something.

@Needhelpwithmom I believe you read the wrong profile..

Twinkle,

For whatever reason, not necessarily good reasons, certain people aren’t emotionally capable or aren’t willing to apologize. It’s hurtful and disappointing when they want to pop back into our lives as if nothing happened.

It’s up to you if you want to forgive someone for their actions. Even if you choose to forgive in order to find inner peace, it doesn’t mean that you have to welcome them back into your life.

As far as other people’s feelings towards them, you don’t have any control over it. If your son wishes to help out occasionally, it is his choice.

I wouldn’t rub someone’s face in their mistakes. That will usually backfire on you.

Best wishes to you.

Religion or not , I think the serenity prayer says it all. Please look it up. Helps me find peace of mind when I really need it.

Also Melody Beaties, books on codependency are amazingly helpful.

Sence I have been regressing back to my old ways. I'm dusting of my old books. That helped many yrs ago.

But absolutely the serenity prayer!!!

I hope things get better for you, my thoughts are with you.

Everyone here knows exactly how you feel and you're not alone. I think people convince themselves they must be devastated when a family member dies. That if they're not jumping on the coffin when it's being lowered down there surely must be something wrong with them.

There isn't.

When my father died my feelings were more along the lines of what you'd have if your neighbor's parent died. My siblings had the same reaction. None of us were happy about it, but he lived his life for himself and paid very little attention to his children.

My mother has always been verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive. The scapegoating, gaslighting, and guilt-tripping started when I was a little kid. She still treats me badly. I try to help her how I can and on my terms of course, but if she starts up I walk away and have zero communication with her. She'll try to get my attention and I ignore her.

I once didn't speak to her for six years and didn't even have her at my wedding when I married my second husband. She ruined the first one and was left out of it. I caught some slack from other guilt-trippers about it and I did not let it bother me.

We have a generation of seniors who expect their children to become slaves that cater to them and are at their beck and call 24/7. They also expect that we will keep smiling or bow our heads in silence while they berate, belittle, bully and verbally abuse us. Then we'll keep coming back for more.

You don't have one reason to feel guilty for not visiting or calling your mother. You really don't. Think of it like this. If you had a spouse or a partner or a friend who behaved towards you like your mother does and expects what she does, would you keep that person in your life? My guess is no you wouldn't I wouldn't either.

If you choose to have a relationship with her you can, but it has to be on your terms and not hers. Set some boundaries. If she refuses to live within them to have a relationship with you, then that's on her. You're not doing anything wrong.