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I have been posting on these forums sporadically about my grandmother that we moved to an independant living facility near all the family and appreciate all the support I have been given. My grandmother is very high maintenance and needy with no concept of the physical care she needs...mobile only by scooter, incontinent, stage 4 kidney disease, and heart failure are her most significant issues though there are many, many others. She is running out of money, approximately a year to year and half left. Because of her poor health we have not brought up the inevitable nursing home as we are frankly quite surprised that she is still alive and know a lot can change in the next few months.


This weekend, we had a 50th birthday party for my husband with all family there. My grandmother called a family meeting and outlined her ideas for her care.


Option 1 - Contributing $20,000 for somebody (we all know that it was aimed at my husband and I) to add a home addition with accessible bedroom and bathroom that is more likely to cost $50,000


Option 2 - My husband and I install a stair lift for her to take over our guest room upstairs with her dogs.


My husband and I have 3 year old twins and my 85 year old father-in-law with dementia lives with us, plus we struggle to run our home business with their care already.


Her friend has already told me that she is hoping to move into my FIL downstairs bedroom if he passes away. That is bad enough. Even if he were to pass away, I would seperate my opppsosite sex twins who are sharing a room and make the bathroom between child friendly.


I am flabbergasted and was speachless. I guess my silence said it all as she cried and stated how she took care of us (that's a lie - rarely did she and it was never without strings attached), but that's besides the point.


I am on the fence of letting her know flat out that living with us will never be an option or waiting until it becomes necessary. I am concerned abouther having a heart attack by telling her that a medicaid nursing home will be her final residence and dealing with that guilt of that.


What is the best way to handle this? Thanks!

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"No" is a complete sentence. Grandmother is "near family" - notice that she is not suggesting she move in with the other relatives. They have probably already told her no. Her health is poor - even if she has a heart attack, it's not primarily because you tell her "no". The fact that you already have an elder living with you gives her hope that you are a "soft touch" - she is trying to get in line for the open spot. I say this because I come from a family that does this with supreme dysfunction and the folks who provided the least personally provided care expecting the most from others ...and therefore I have told my MIL and FIL that living with us is not an option. Your responsibility is to your children. And yourself and your spouse. Lather, rinse, repeat. You can help coordinate your grandmother's care in IL, perhaps ALF, finally in the last place NH. You are not required to provide it in person if you plan to survive to raise your twins:))
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NO is a complete sentence. You can, if you are willing, offer assistance to help her find services that are available, but let her know that your home is not in the future for her.

If she is like my mom and my in-laws - they will not accept that and keep trying to guilt you because "family takes care of family" to which i respond - "yes, and i have a husband and child for whom i care for".

She will likely to keep trying - you probably want her to accept that this is not going to happen. Be prepared to keep having to say NO. You don't have to be mean about it - i usually give a laugh and say "gosh, we said NO to that years ago" and change the subject.
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Dear 42twinmoms,

I know you love your grandmother. But what she is proposing is not feasible. You already have so much on your plate. I have to agree with the others and its best to say no as kindly possible. Do not give her false hopes. And help her make alternate arrangements.
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It sounds like everyone needs to get the "no" message. Tell the relatives that were at the birthday party, "Don't worry about contributing to get a chair lift or build onto our house. That is not happening. Gramma is not going to live with us." When her friend says Gramma is hoping to move into the room FIL has, say, "I wonder where she got that idea? That room is already earmarked for giving each twin their own rooms." Tell as many people as possible that Gramma is not moving in with you. No chair lift. No house addition. You already have your hands full caring for people. And besides, by the time she can no longer be in IL she will need more skilled care than you can provide.

"Gramma, we're so glad you have this nice apartment near us, and where your dogs can be with you. I hope you can live here the rest of your life! But if you ever need more care, we will help you find a perfect place."
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Thank you for all the great replies! I do need to let her know as soon as possible so that she can be prepared. We have already looked at ALF which would offer no savings. As a retired nurse, she must deep down understand that her next step is SNF if she can't convinve somebody to take her in. I KNOW I cannot do it. She needs far too much care for me and my care for my kids would suffer for it, so there is no option. Thanks again!
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Tell her. There is no room at the Inn. The twins are next in line for the room
and remodeling isn't an option. Your plate is full and you are going on a diet.
Just say NO!
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All the above, and NOW. Since she has brought it up, it's only fair to tell her now so that she can make other plans--or not; but don't leave her hoping you'll change your mind.
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Another issue that no one mentioned--what about the dogs? Is it assumed that your grandmother would bring them into your house? Without my knowing whether you have any animals of your own or how you specifically feel about this, I wonder if this is something that could be used in your favor, such as by saying "we already have all the animals we can handle and don't need any more" or "bringing dogs into our house would be impractical, dangerous [or whatever other adjectives you could insert here]" I certainly wouldn't want someone just assuming that animals are wanted in my house!
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Get off the fence and tell the truth with no second thoughts!

Were her children at this family meeting? What are they doing?

Your grandmother needs to be in a nursing home and someone needs to be looking into her qualifying for medicaid and for a nursing home which will take her while medicaid is being applied for.
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With respect to Jacobsonbob, don't obfuscate by bringing up dogs. Dogs can be placed elsewhere, then what excuse do you use?
Or maybe you'd want to tell Gramma you CAN take her dogs to care for so she can find a place where SHE can go.
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This is probably not really useful to the above conversations, but every time I read a post wherein somebody's usually elderly relative expects to be able to move in with their kids or other family or friends, I'm flabbergasted. I don't have kids but would not expect or dream of asking any of my kinfolk to take me in. H*ll, I wouldn't want to live with any of them, lol. Just my 2 cents.
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This is not your responsibility. Her children should be handling this. She is not going to be happy no matter how you say it. Just be honest, you have too much responsibility as it is. Husband, children, Fil and business take all your time. You will have no time for her health problems. Who handles her money, they need to check with Medicaid now about her being put into a NH eventually. Good Luck
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Just a heads up to administrator. I'm not seeing these posts until 15days later, this one 22.
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Whenever I see a very elderly person who has severe health issues and is in need of substantial assistance with daily activities like toileting, who believes they can live with little assistance, I immediately suspect cognitive decline. I can't imagine that if she were thinking clearly that she would have such grandeur visions.

It's like the person who can't get out of bed believing they can live alone with no outside help. I recall when my cousin was adamant that she could live alone with the help of her neighbors who could look in on her every day. She was completely deluded, since she had significant dementia and was not able to cook, operate a remote control or even use the phone properly. When people are envisioning things that are completely unreasonable, I'd try to not make them sad, but operate things so that they get the care there need. Who's her DPOA?
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Absolutely say "No can do."
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Sounds like my mom before her doctor finally helped contact state to get assistance for us to put her in a NH. She "Was able to take care of herself! Been doing it for 85 yrs! Never fell and we were lying to her about her falls! She HAD to be home since no one else could do the work needed to do!"
Mom is in a memory unit wearing an ankle monitor and still wanting us to take her home. She doesn't know who we are most of the time when we arrive each week but, she wants to ride to her home with us. She raises a fuss with the staff every day having them make multiple calls to the 3 of us to come get her. She forgets she just had them call. I finally told her, she was home and I wasn't going to be charged with her abuse by taking her home and leaving her unsupervised since she barely walks, can't cook, bathe or make a call by herself. I received a good cursing, was called a lot of names and finally told her I would see her next week.
Your grandmother is probably going to be like mom. It nearly destroyed my marriage and me before the doctor acted. It will you also. You will feel some guilt but, don't let it run your life. Mom tried to care for an elderly relative a few years ago. She came back home in about 6 weeks tired, beaten down and swearing she would never do that to someone.
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The dogs =a major trip hazard. No can do grandma.
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You must think of yourself and your family. Say No and as often as you can. I cannot image raising twins with your FIL with dementia in the house. Over 5 years ago, we took my parents-Mom is Congestive Heart Failure and stage 3 renal disease. We have already decided that she is not a candidate for dialysis and she is not a candidate for an angiogram as the dye can put her into kidney failure. My Father was diagnosis with Alzheimer that progress very quickly. Again we decided for his quality of life, to stop all medications except comfort care as he no longer knew who I was or where he was living. (he passed away in Nov) We also have my Father in Law living with us for the past 3 years. My children are grown and married. It has gotten to be more than we can handle and my husband was diagnosed with Early Onset Parkinson. We can barely get away for any alone time for us to spend quality while he is still able to. Do NOT feel guilty. Your husband and children must come first.
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Liked your comment Sunnygirl!!
How do I get my guts up to tell my dad (mini stroke-uncontrolled diabetes, diabetic retinopathy, legally blind, foot neuropathy...currently in an AL...preparing to come back home which is very close to my home) that it's better for him to be in AL? Definitely a no brainer here and would be easy for most to tell him NO. I'm an only child, people pleaser type. I keep thinking that he will realize it himself but with the stroke I'm having difficulty telling if he's got early dementia or what, because doctors don't think so. I had to get on anxiety depression meds and seeking counsel with a life coach which has helped me tremendously .
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What 42twinsmom actually said she was asking about was should she:

a) tell her grandmother that moving in with her isn't happening and a Nursing Home will be the final destination, but fearful of the risk of inducing a fatal heart attack should grandma react badly to this news;

or

b) say nothing and let the wind-down to the nursing home simply happen.

For me, it would option b every time. 42twins can tape her mouth shut and sit on her hands and do absolutely diddly squat, and the result of that will never be grandma moving in. For it to happen, 42twins and her husband would need to make it happen. So - just don't make it happen. Nothing to discuss.
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CM I would go with the say nothing approach. "Least said soonest mended"
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Bella, First off, be aware that your father will not 'figure this out on his own'. He does not want that result, so he will be in denial, forever, or close to it!!
When my Dad died last month, my Mom was sure she could come home with one of us 'kids'. She was in total denial of what care she needed then and still needs. We just told her over and over and finally she has quit asking. We all told her the same thing. Gently,.. There is only one of you. But you must repeat the same thing to him over and over until he realizes that asking again will not get him a different, hopefully better, answer!! So, with all your inner fortitude, buck up and be firm, firm, firm and loving, loving, loving, with him!! God bless You!
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twinsmom, I guess I would figure it depended on your Grandma's personality. If she repeatedly brings it up, point blank, I would repeatedly tell her 'no' for all of or the best reasons listed above. If she lets it ride and just hopes w/o saying so that she can come live with you. I would be silent, too and I would be ready for when she lay it all out again. To Tell Her, NO, very firmly. And yes, let the rest of the family know you have no intention of taking her in, so that if they get cornered by Grandma, at least they can say w/o reservation that 'no, probably not!!' Or, 'I don't think so, from my understanding'. With everyone giving her the same answer, she will get the message, eventually! by the way, how is fil? God bless!
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How are things going for you twinsmom?

Vicky64, keep "preaching" to me please!!! Thanks for advice, so true!!


Still been saying "nothing" so far.  Traveling to doc with dad 1 hr away to  dermatologist to check out this foot "sore" that won't heal.   Going to try to avoid the subject of home today if possible, yeah right.

   The foot doctor has been calling it a fungal bacteria  which is not responding to antibiotics (since feb 14)  and now being sent to a dermatologist to take a sample of skin.

 Seems to me they would've taken a sample at the beginning to see what they were dealing with, I have read this on the Internet...anyone here experience this???

 Has anyone heard of diabetic sores being called fungal bacteria, is it possible it can heal or will this get worse ?    I have googled images of these sores ...nasty!

 To me, it looked  like a pressure sore started on his big toe and since I have seen poop on his bathroom floor and in the shower, I bet he stepped in it  🤔
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Bella I can't tell you about the sore, but it sounds scary. Let us know what the dermatologist says. If it has been there a month with no change for the better, you are doing the right thing to get him to someone who will be able to help! !
God Bless!
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Bella, the dermatologist will get you better answers. With uncontrolled or poorly controlled diabetes, the doctors start with "non-healing wounds" and move forward. Note: Fungus and bacteria are 2 different things and treated with different meds (example you don't treat a yeast infection with antibiotics...). This is why you have to get docs to give you in writing what they say something is. You can have a bacterial infection and a fungal infection, but there is not a bacterial fungus. Doctors probably did not want to take a biopsy at first in case they created an additional wound. And they have to get permission from person they are treating, which can be difficult to get because a biopsy HURTS. Take a breath for yourself. The ride will probably get bumpier....The biopsy will reveal if it's the skin cell themselves or some sort of infection.
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Bella, you have an even more uphill battle than some, due to your dad's doctor ignoring his cognitive decline, right? I'm not sure what to make of it, but, what do the people in the facility say about your dad's cognitive ability? Without the doctor on board, I"m not sure what to do. My LO's primary diagnosed Vascular Dementia in the office with a Mini evaluation and ordered AL. (She needed medication that she could not manage herself.) The doctor told my LO you must enter AL. You are not able to live safely alone. And she signed the state form to that effect. So, I had great support. Without that,........Why can't your dad just continue to live in the facility he is living now?
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He CAN continue living there he just wants out. I asked the nurses and other girls at assisted-living how he's doing and to get their opinion and they say oh fine!  He's a great show timer!!!!
At the dermatologist the so-called biopsy only consisted of a Q-tip swab!   And it's now affecting the toes on the other foot   I just read my dad's records from the original foot doctor and his diagnosis was cellulitis on the lower limb and tenia pedis(sp?)on the other foot. Hopefully here today what the results are but watching her do the little swab it made me wonder how in the heck can you get anything from that
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Dx was also plantar ulcer on bottom of big toe. But I also could see what looks like an ulcer on the pad of his foot with gobs of bloody oozing and discharge
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Foot ulcers are always a big problem to treat in diabetics especially one who is out of control. Circulation is often compromised so enough blood does not get to the site to aid healing.
Diabetic clinics often have a wound care specialist who knows all the tricks of the trade. There is a special training course for RNs who become experts in the area.
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