I have been posting on these forums sporadically about my grandmother that we moved to an independant living facility near all the family and appreciate all the support I have been given. My grandmother is very high maintenance and needy with no concept of the physical care she needs...mobile only by scooter, incontinent, stage 4 kidney disease, and heart failure are her most significant issues though there are many, many others. She is running out of money, approximately a year to year and half left. Because of her poor health we have not brought up the inevitable nursing home as we are frankly quite surprised that she is still alive and know a lot can change in the next few months.
This weekend, we had a 50th birthday party for my husband with all family there. My grandmother called a family meeting and outlined her ideas for her care.
Option 1 - Contributing $20,000 for somebody (we all know that it was aimed at my husband and I) to add a home addition with accessible bedroom and bathroom that is more likely to cost $50,000
Option 2 - My husband and I install a stair lift for her to take over our guest room upstairs with her dogs.
My husband and I have 3 year old twins and my 85 year old father-in-law with dementia lives with us, plus we struggle to run our home business with their care already.
Her friend has already told me that she is hoping to move into my FIL downstairs bedroom if he passes away. That is bad enough. Even if he were to pass away, I would seperate my opppsosite sex twins who are sharing a room and make the bathroom between child friendly.
I am flabbergasted and was speachless. I guess my silence said it all as she cried and stated how she took care of us (that's a lie - rarely did she and it was never without strings attached), but that's besides the point.
I am on the fence of letting her know flat out that living with us will never be an option or waiting until it becomes necessary. I am concerned abouther having a heart attack by telling her that a medicaid nursing home will be her final residence and dealing with that guilt of that.
What is the best way to handle this? Thanks!
If she is like my mom and my in-laws - they will not accept that and keep trying to guilt you because "family takes care of family" to which i respond - "yes, and i have a husband and child for whom i care for".
She will likely to keep trying - you probably want her to accept that this is not going to happen. Be prepared to keep having to say NO. You don't have to be mean about it - i usually give a laugh and say "gosh, we said NO to that years ago" and change the subject.
I know you love your grandmother. But what she is proposing is not feasible. You already have so much on your plate. I have to agree with the others and its best to say no as kindly possible. Do not give her false hopes. And help her make alternate arrangements.
"Gramma, we're so glad you have this nice apartment near us, and where your dogs can be with you. I hope you can live here the rest of your life! But if you ever need more care, we will help you find a perfect place."
and remodeling isn't an option. Your plate is full and you are going on a diet.
Just say NO!
Were her children at this family meeting? What are they doing?
Your grandmother needs to be in a nursing home and someone needs to be looking into her qualifying for medicaid and for a nursing home which will take her while medicaid is being applied for.
Or maybe you'd want to tell Gramma you CAN take her dogs to care for so she can find a place where SHE can go.
It's like the person who can't get out of bed believing they can live alone with no outside help. I recall when my cousin was adamant that she could live alone with the help of her neighbors who could look in on her every day. She was completely deluded, since she had significant dementia and was not able to cook, operate a remote control or even use the phone properly. When people are envisioning things that are completely unreasonable, I'd try to not make them sad, but operate things so that they get the care there need. Who's her DPOA?
Mom is in a memory unit wearing an ankle monitor and still wanting us to take her home. She doesn't know who we are most of the time when we arrive each week but, she wants to ride to her home with us. She raises a fuss with the staff every day having them make multiple calls to the 3 of us to come get her. She forgets she just had them call. I finally told her, she was home and I wasn't going to be charged with her abuse by taking her home and leaving her unsupervised since she barely walks, can't cook, bathe or make a call by herself. I received a good cursing, was called a lot of names and finally told her I would see her next week.
Your grandmother is probably going to be like mom. It nearly destroyed my marriage and me before the doctor acted. It will you also. You will feel some guilt but, don't let it run your life. Mom tried to care for an elderly relative a few years ago. She came back home in about 6 weeks tired, beaten down and swearing she would never do that to someone.
How do I get my guts up to tell my dad (mini stroke-uncontrolled diabetes, diabetic retinopathy, legally blind, foot neuropathy...currently in an AL...preparing to come back home which is very close to my home) that it's better for him to be in AL? Definitely a no brainer here and would be easy for most to tell him NO. I'm an only child, people pleaser type. I keep thinking that he will realize it himself but with the stroke I'm having difficulty telling if he's got early dementia or what, because doctors don't think so. I had to get on anxiety depression meds and seeking counsel with a life coach which has helped me tremendously .
a) tell her grandmother that moving in with her isn't happening and a Nursing Home will be the final destination, but fearful of the risk of inducing a fatal heart attack should grandma react badly to this news;
or
b) say nothing and let the wind-down to the nursing home simply happen.
For me, it would option b every time. 42twins can tape her mouth shut and sit on her hands and do absolutely diddly squat, and the result of that will never be grandma moving in. For it to happen, 42twins and her husband would need to make it happen. So - just don't make it happen. Nothing to discuss.
When my Dad died last month, my Mom was sure she could come home with one of us 'kids'. She was in total denial of what care she needed then and still needs. We just told her over and over and finally she has quit asking. We all told her the same thing. Gently,.. There is only one of you. But you must repeat the same thing to him over and over until he realizes that asking again will not get him a different, hopefully better, answer!! So, with all your inner fortitude, buck up and be firm, firm, firm and loving, loving, loving, with him!! God bless You!
Vicky64, keep "preaching" to me please!!! Thanks for advice, so true!!
Still been saying "nothing" so far. Traveling to doc with dad 1 hr away to dermatologist to check out this foot "sore" that won't heal. Going to try to avoid the subject of home today if possible, yeah right.
The foot doctor has been calling it a fungal bacteria which is not responding to antibiotics (since feb 14) and now being sent to a dermatologist to take a sample of skin.
Seems to me they would've taken a sample at the beginning to see what they were dealing with, I have read this on the Internet...anyone here experience this???
Has anyone heard of diabetic sores being called fungal bacteria, is it possible it can heal or will this get worse ? I have googled images of these sores ...nasty!
To me, it looked like a pressure sore started on his big toe and since I have seen poop on his bathroom floor and in the shower, I bet he stepped in it 🤔
God Bless!
At the dermatologist the so-called biopsy only consisted of a Q-tip swab! And it's now affecting the toes on the other foot I just read my dad's records from the original foot doctor and his diagnosis was cellulitis on the lower limb and tenia pedis(sp?)on the other foot. Hopefully here today what the results are but watching her do the little swab it made me wonder how in the heck can you get anything from that
Diabetic clinics often have a wound care specialist who knows all the tricks of the trade. There is a special training course for RNs who become experts in the area.