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I have been posting on these forums sporadically about my grandmother that we moved to an independant living facility near all the family and appreciate all the support I have been given. My grandmother is very high maintenance and needy with no concept of the physical care she needs...mobile only by scooter, incontinent, stage 4 kidney disease, and heart failure are her most significant issues though there are many, many others. She is running out of money, approximately a year to year and half left. Because of her poor health we have not brought up the inevitable nursing home as we are frankly quite surprised that she is still alive and know a lot can change in the next few months.


This weekend, we had a 50th birthday party for my husband with all family there. My grandmother called a family meeting and outlined her ideas for her care.


Option 1 - Contributing $20,000 for somebody (we all know that it was aimed at my husband and I) to add a home addition with accessible bedroom and bathroom that is more likely to cost $50,000


Option 2 - My husband and I install a stair lift for her to take over our guest room upstairs with her dogs.


My husband and I have 3 year old twins and my 85 year old father-in-law with dementia lives with us, plus we struggle to run our home business with their care already.


Her friend has already told me that she is hoping to move into my FIL downstairs bedroom if he passes away. That is bad enough. Even if he were to pass away, I would seperate my opppsosite sex twins who are sharing a room and make the bathroom between child friendly.


I am flabbergasted and was speachless. I guess my silence said it all as she cried and stated how she took care of us (that's a lie - rarely did she and it was never without strings attached), but that's besides the point.


I am on the fence of letting her know flat out that living with us will never be an option or waiting until it becomes necessary. I am concerned abouther having a heart attack by telling her that a medicaid nursing home will be her final residence and dealing with that guilt of that.


What is the best way to handle this? Thanks!

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"No" is a complete sentence. Grandmother is "near family" - notice that she is not suggesting she move in with the other relatives. They have probably already told her no. Her health is poor - even if she has a heart attack, it's not primarily because you tell her "no". The fact that you already have an elder living with you gives her hope that you are a "soft touch" - she is trying to get in line for the open spot. I say this because I come from a family that does this with supreme dysfunction and the folks who provided the least personally provided care expecting the most from others ...and therefore I have told my MIL and FIL that living with us is not an option. Your responsibility is to your children. And yourself and your spouse. Lather, rinse, repeat. You can help coordinate your grandmother's care in IL, perhaps ALF, finally in the last place NH. You are not required to provide it in person if you plan to survive to raise your twins:))
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Thank you for all the great replies! I do need to let her know as soon as possible so that she can be prepared. We have already looked at ALF which would offer no savings. As a retired nurse, she must deep down understand that her next step is SNF if she can't convinve somebody to take her in. I KNOW I cannot do it. She needs far too much care for me and my care for my kids would suffer for it, so there is no option. Thanks again!
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This is probably not really useful to the above conversations, but every time I read a post wherein somebody's usually elderly relative expects to be able to move in with their kids or other family or friends, I'm flabbergasted. I don't have kids but would not expect or dream of asking any of my kinfolk to take me in. H*ll, I wouldn't want to live with any of them, lol. Just my 2 cents.
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It sounds like everyone needs to get the "no" message. Tell the relatives that were at the birthday party, "Don't worry about contributing to get a chair lift or build onto our house. That is not happening. Gramma is not going to live with us." When her friend says Gramma is hoping to move into the room FIL has, say, "I wonder where she got that idea? That room is already earmarked for giving each twin their own rooms." Tell as many people as possible that Gramma is not moving in with you. No chair lift. No house addition. You already have your hands full caring for people. And besides, by the time she can no longer be in IL she will need more skilled care than you can provide.

"Gramma, we're so glad you have this nice apartment near us, and where your dogs can be with you. I hope you can live here the rest of your life! But if you ever need more care, we will help you find a perfect place."
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Dear 42twinmoms,

I know you love your grandmother. But what she is proposing is not feasible. You already have so much on your plate. I have to agree with the others and its best to say no as kindly possible. Do not give her false hopes. And help her make alternate arrangements.
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Get off the fence and tell the truth with no second thoughts!

Were her children at this family meeting? What are they doing?

Your grandmother needs to be in a nursing home and someone needs to be looking into her qualifying for medicaid and for a nursing home which will take her while medicaid is being applied for.
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Absolutely say "No can do."
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Tell her. There is no room at the Inn. The twins are next in line for the room
and remodeling isn't an option. Your plate is full and you are going on a diet.
Just say NO!
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All the above, and NOW. Since she has brought it up, it's only fair to tell her now so that she can make other plans--or not; but don't leave her hoping you'll change your mind.
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Sounds like my mom before her doctor finally helped contact state to get assistance for us to put her in a NH. She "Was able to take care of herself! Been doing it for 85 yrs! Never fell and we were lying to her about her falls! She HAD to be home since no one else could do the work needed to do!"
Mom is in a memory unit wearing an ankle monitor and still wanting us to take her home. She doesn't know who we are most of the time when we arrive each week but, she wants to ride to her home with us. She raises a fuss with the staff every day having them make multiple calls to the 3 of us to come get her. She forgets she just had them call. I finally told her, she was home and I wasn't going to be charged with her abuse by taking her home and leaving her unsupervised since she barely walks, can't cook, bathe or make a call by herself. I received a good cursing, was called a lot of names and finally told her I would see her next week.
Your grandmother is probably going to be like mom. It nearly destroyed my marriage and me before the doctor acted. It will you also. You will feel some guilt but, don't let it run your life. Mom tried to care for an elderly relative a few years ago. She came back home in about 6 weeks tired, beaten down and swearing she would never do that to someone.
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