Unsure if dad is the best advocate for mom, what to do?
My mother has had a couple hospital stays and I've started to believe my dad is not an advocate for my mom's best interests. What do I do?
During one hospital stay mom became agitated and disoriented at night. One of the doctors ordered Ativan to calm her, but overdosed her and she ended up in a coma-like state for 48 hours in ICU until she recovered. My dad never asked about her medication schedule and when released from ICU wondered if the hospital should use restraints. I shuddered at his suggestion. I told him I was sure this episode was due to mom's dementia and sundowning and told the staff no more nightime meds and absolutely no restraints. Use other calming methods. He just shrugged.
More recently mom fell at home and dad called 911 to pick her up and they took her to ER where she was admitted for a few nights. When I visited her, she was in the cardiac unit hooked up to a heart monitor but no visible display of vitals, she had an IV, and didn't have any compression stockings even though she wasn't getting out of bed. Dad had no idea what the monitors were for, why she was in the cardiac unit, and no clue what meds were in her IV. He could have easily allowed the staff to administer Ativan again and put her in a coma-like state once again. I only found out by questioning the nurse that she was in the cardiac unit because that is all that was available and her vitals were otherwise all normal. Fortunately, nothing bad happened and mom was released the next day.
I know dad loves mom and is doing his best. He takes care of her laundry, meals and day-to-day needs. However, when it comes to anything more I'm questioning his inability to monitor things which could put mom at risk. I'm worried and so frustrated. How would you handle this? What would you do? Thank you.
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Back in the "good ol' days" a man never got involved with caretaking. It's been a female dominated job for eons. So that would put your dad out of his element.
* "Back in the day", you NEVER questioned a doctor (I've worked as a nurse with some jack a** doctors like that). Who are you to tell anything to a doctor (is the way it used to be).
*Ignorance was bliss in "the good ol' days". You trusted your doctor with your life.
* Hospitals scare most men. (I've witnessed this over 39 years). Totally out of their comfort zone, they tend to be introverted.
* I bet if you questioned your dad on the medicines he takes, he wouldn't be able to tell you the names and what they were for. How, then, is he supposed to know what the doctor ordered, gave and will prescribe in the future?
YOU sound like the perfect candidate to take over responsibility for your moms hospitalizations. He already is doing laundry, meals and his wife's needs. I'd say you're a lucky daughter.
Give him a break.
And Sue above is right, my Dad had no idea what pills he was taking, that was my Mom's responsibility to set out his pills and know what they were. When it came to medical information about Dad, Mom was a walking encyclopedia. Mom even knew on what date Dad had his flu shot going back many years.
Not long ago I had my parents change their Power of Attorney. Dad still had Mom as his POA but he added me as secondary.... Mom still had Dad as her POA but she added me as secondary. It worked out quite well.
Suggest to Dad that you become the contact for Mom during her hospital/rehab stay. That way he can be her husband. I'd bet he grabs that offer like the golden ring on the carousel!
All parents should be as Blessed as yours are to have you. Keep up the good care.
Things don't always go as we think they will. I think it would be great for you to advocate for your mom and I bet your dad doesn't say a peep about it. Heck, I used to take my FIL to the drs all the time and he deferred to ME and I was, literally, nobody in this scheme of things.
Get it in writing, though. My FIL's docs were all happy to talk to me and no one questioned if I had ANY authority (I did not) to make decisions for him, but he couldn't or wouldn't make a decision w/o looking at to me first.