I am in a live in caregiving role for a lady who was my neighbor for 7 years before i moved in 4 years ago. We have known each other for 11 years total. I did some things for her before I lived here such as shopping, cleaning, yard work and some meals. Nearly 4 years ago she asked me to move in as she began to need more help. My son was still a teen at the time and moved in as well.
Back then I was working full time making a good salary. About 2 years ago it became clear that she needed more help and supervision and is adamantly against going to AL. She offered to leave me her home and had an attorney write her will to that effect if I agreed to care for her in her home until the end. At that time she also gave me POA for everything and named me as executor. She has no family at all. No one. My son and i worked opposite shifts to make sure she isnt ever alone. About a year ago she had a bad fall and we realized that she needs me here even more so I quit my job and now only work part time. This is causing me to be at a deficit every month and I'm going into debt providing for her increasing needs. I have tried to have conversations with her about the reality of the situation and that it is not sustainable. I have tried to explain inflation, cost of living increases, all the little expenses that have crept up and added up over the last 3 years. She meanwhile has a surplus of income every month due to me paying more than my fair share as well as fixing some things in her budget to save her money. She doesn't spend it on anything, it just grows in her bank account while I struggle to make ends meet. I have tried to explain that we are in this together until the end and that I need her to pitch in more. Also the house needs repairs that she refuses to spend money on but I can't in good faith spend MY money on when it's not yet my house so its becoming increasingly shabby and in disrepair. Her response to any difficult conversation is to tell me that I can find a new place to live if I don't like it. As if she is doing me a favor by letting me live here. She thinks the 2 rooms my son and I occupy at no cost make up for everything else I spend on her care and that of maintaining her household and property, not to mention all the hours of unpaid labor and lost wages from reducing to part time work. I have tried to explain the excellent deal she is getting on care by comparing what an actual paid caregiver would cost her but now she is saying I am not a caregiver, but rather a tenant. She says a real caregiver would be 24/7 by her side which is not humanly possible nor legal. Even professional paid caregivers get time off.
She also still goes to the bathroom by herself and sponge bathes herself (she refuses to let me help her shower) so insists that I'm not providing the duties of a caregiver although I do literally everything else because she cant.
I can't get her to budge on this, but I do have POA for all things- health care, legal, and financial. My question is at what point am I able to pay bills with her money instead of mine? Of course only things for her care, household, and property would apply. It adds a layer to this situation that the money in her account will also become mine once she passes, but I need the help NOW. What are my rights in this situation? What should I avoid doing?
You have had many many replies to your first questions, and you don’t like the answers. Perhaps your ‘reason for being on this website’ is really to find support for the choices you have already made, and perhaps congratulations for being so wonderful. You are probably realistic enough that no-one has a magic wand to waive over your ‘friend’ and make her more reasonable to you about current money issues or long term security.
You are putting a lot of your own skin into the waiting game. After the many posts to you, all anyone can do is to wish you luck.
So, good luck for the future, and for things working out the way you hope!
I feel the need to point out to the naysayers that yes, I was working a full time job in the beginning while supporting my college kid as many parents do, so no, I did not have a ton of disposable income.
And until my son's school became online due to covid, work and the store are literally the only places I went. Once he was home all the time I was finally able to get some respite. Now his gf is the respite for him so that he can work, too.
It takes a village and we are it.
Here's the link to the other post.
Yes, she was at deaths door before we moved in. She had a hip replacement 5 years ago. There were complications and she came home and didn't get out of bed for way too long. No one even knew or cared except me. I got her up and around, back to a healthy weight, and what started as an occasional errand became a full time job.
"Rent free" is such a bad way to look at this.
It would be like if my boss at my real job decided to not pay me, make me buy all my own supplies and some of theirs, pay utilities at the office AND charge me rent to sit at my desk.
So stop with the BS accusations that my life is easy because I "don't pay rent." Ridiculous.
And, really, I do think it would benefit you to have her more mobile - there's a small window where someone can actually still benefit from Physical Therapy and if she looses that, it's going to be ultimately much harder for you. If you need to be more assertive in setting it up rather than leaving it to her, I understand it won't be easy dealing with her, but it may prove to be beneficial in the long run - for both of you.
I hope everything works out for both of you ~
Stop going into debt for her. You cannot afford it! It's time that you tell her how to better use the $2k she gets per month so that she can live out her days at home including hiring someone to come in and give her a proper bath every week. It's a hygiene thing and it's particularly important as our lady bits are tucked away. Keeping them clean is essential to prevent infections.
Because she's so cheap and agency help is so expensive and often has a minimum number of hours before they'll even bother with you, is there a nursing school nearby? Maybe a nursing student or some such person would want to earn some extra money to help her bathe?
It's really no surprise that once she had your help and companionship she did better and was no longer at death's door. But really, she owes you an apology and she needs to be told that having difficult conversations is part of the bargain of any caring relationship.
I think you need to re-frame your perspective because noting in your heading that this woman is causing you "financial ruin" seems incorrect. You've lived with her for 4 years - at least 3 of these years, you maintained your full-time job and earned your full salary - and even worked from home during the pandemic. And during this time, you lived rent and utility free - so wouldn't this three year period of a full time salary and rent free of a house provided a surplus of savings? It's only been of lately that you reduced your schedule to 3 days - but now that you've been approved to work remotely, maybe you'll be able to return to a full time schedule - and you're still living rent free.
Plus, now the girlfriend is there rent free. This elderly women sounds like she's remaining in her bedroom mostly and, if anything, you, your son and this girlfriend take up the majority of the house - she has less percentage of her house. And who wouldn't be depressed confined like that - without even any assistance in improving her mobility!
Instead of focusing on things like mowing her lawn (which as POA, hiring a service to do this is inexpensive) or laundry /or house cleaning (which can also be outsourced inexpensively), I think it'd be more beneficial to help this woman on her balance and walking. Isn't that why you're there? Plus, she needs in-home P/T arranged thru Medicare.
I think your mindset has been on the wrong tactical things rather than focusing on her mind, body and spirit. Is that why she refers to you as a "tenant?" Are you engaging her in anything (ie playing a board game, hobby, helping her stretch/low exercise, etc)? You should be encouraging her out of her bedroom - even watching TV in the living room during the day...having some meals in her kitchen. Staying in bed and confined to a bedroom would erode the best of anyone - especially their circulation - you must know that.
And she's also paying property taxes I'd assume, so that's costly...you've repeated the idea that you feel she's bringing in so much income monthly. I have no doubt that one way or the other, you will make sure that house will become yours...but for now, I really do hope that you provide the right care in good faith to this woman.
I dismiss the posts implying you’re some sort of grifter—I do believe you care about this woman and are acting in her interest. In fact, I think you’re putting her interests above your own, not thinking this all the way through.
You have a grown son and are still able to physically care for a mobility impaired person. I’d estimate you’re somewhere between 40-60 years old. These should be prime earning years for you. Assuming you are on your own, this is the time to be saving for retirement and accruing maximum benefits if you have a pension. (I’ll assume you’ve put in enough years to qualify for social security and Medicare benefits, but just these are not enough.)
I understand wanting a home. You indicated that home prices are extremely high where you live. That usually means the upkeep and maintenance is high too. Will you have the income to keep the house once it’s yours? I guess maybe you could sell it to fund your retirement.
I can also understand your friend’s concern about running out of money. If I lived in a high cost area and my assets consisted of $20,000 plus a home in need of repairs I’d be more than a little concerned too. Actually, I don’t live in a high cost area and I’d be terrified.
This situation doesn’t seem financially feasible to me. People can and do live many years in her condition. Let’s say she relents and allows you (or you are legally able to force her) to spend her money to repay you and get her some more paid care and the other things you want to do. Now the $20,000 is gone and her monthly expenses increase to the amount of her income. It isn’t nearly enough for full time care so you are still working only part time and making up the difference. You can’t work yourself out of this situation.
People aren’t talking about Medicaid and nursing homes to be mean. They’re saying this because it’s really the only way for someone without much money or family to be cared for when they reach the end stage. There are people who have lived this.
My husband and I cared for his mother in our home the last three weeks of her life. She was very easy, loving and grateful every day. I had to help her get to the toilet but she was small so I was physically able to support her. We had hospice. There were two of us and we were retired. I can tell you this is not sustainable long term, no matter how much you love them.
You are free to ignore the advice, but please don’t disparage our motives. If you ask the question you will get honest answers. We can’t promise you’ll like them.
Instead of spending time thinking about hospice or talking to her about assisted suicide (which she surely doesn't fall into that category), as a "caregiver" I think your efforts in trying to maintain her mobility since she's still using a walker is important. And your son's girlfriend living with you - she's getting rent free...and so maybe she should be also helping this woman with some senior exercises (there are books on Amazon for very low level exercises for seniors to maintain balance, etc). Basically, this woman shouldn't be remaining in bed all day and just buzz you when she needs something - it's actually impeding her abilities and probably making her depressed.
You said in your profile title that this "elderly friend" of yours is putting you in "financial ruin", but is she really? Doesn't it kind of balance itself - the fact that you're just recently working a reduced schedule of 3 days/week, but living rent-free for 3 people (you, your son and his gf)...if you would have rented your own house, it's expensive, right? Had you worked a full time schedule, a big chunk of the salary would have been going to rent of a house - and here, there's obviously the incentive of the possibility of receiving this inheritance.
And, you said she refuses to drink water...then offer other things, like tea...or iced tea...or flavored water, etc. I just found your last message a little off-putting and dark - I think you're getting nervous about an unpredictable future - and you wouldn't want that to effect her level of care giving - such as rush the process of her decline in any way. That is not ethical.
Honestly, I would feel the same way in her situation. Mobility is almost completely gone. The walker isn't enough anymore but she refuses a wheelchair. I believe that once she cant use the walker at all that she will completely give up. She has also talked about assisted suicide but is a NPC and not sure how God will feel about that. I told her I don't thinks it's legal in our state anyway.
IMO, people should have the right to go when they feel the time is right and no law or religion should dictate that.
Personally, if I was in her situation or was diagnosed with a terminal disease, I would want to end it myself while I still had the strength to do it myself. Family tends to talk the person into continuing the fight. NH will artificially keep them alive to get more money. I have alot of love for this woman as my friend, but I am also emotionally removed enough from the situation, unlike family, to respect her wishes to die as she sees fit.
And just because this woman wants to die doesn't mean it'll happen any time soon and having her completely bed bound would make the situation that much harder - and that shouldn't be a goal.
If only it was that simple, but it’s not.
Medicare is health insurance w/hospice benefit. She - if determined by outside assessment to meet hospice criteria AND has full-on Medicare Part A - could be placed on hospice @ 100% paid by Medicare part A. Agency paid directly. By & large hospice done at home comes in 2-3 X a week for 3-5 hr shift that monitors vitals, bathing, skin & medication management. Can order DME (beds, hoists), speciality nutrionals. Outside of their visits, hospice requires an Adult primary hands on caregiver there all other times. Documented in their reporting. If something seems amiss, hospice is a mandated reporter for APS.
Issue with hospice (I’m a fan & consider it beyond wonderful benefit) is it will not ever provide 24/7 oversight. Inevitably someone will end up tethered 24/7 for her; and when either something happens with that persons own health so cannot do this OR the hospice patient care needs become immense & flat cannot be done safely at home, they will end up moving into a SNF. Hospice notates all this….. if beyond in home capability, they will write orders for higher level of care required and need 2 transfer to SNF.
What tends to happen is family end up hiring in-home health 3-4 times a week to enable the caregiver to be able to take a break, do their own doctor visits, have their own free time etc. Hospice will pay for short term respite for 5 consecutive days in a SNF to give the caregiver a break IF caregiver has burnout. Tends to be allowed once a year.
Other than short term respite stay, SNF is either private pay, long term care insurance policy payment or if impoverished file an application for LTC Medicaid.
MediCARE does NOT pay any custodial room& boards costs for NH.
To be impoverished, so eligible for LTC Medicaid -for most States - means income under $2742 a mo & nonexempt assets under 2K. You as POA, will have to provide an accounting in detail on her financials up to 5 yr lookback. Imho You should expect any payments to you or son reviewed as “gifting”. Her income from day 1 @ a NH is a required copay less whatever personal needs allowance is (avg $50 or $60). Zero $ to pay any house costs once in a NH. LTC Medicaid requires an after death attempt for recovery for all cost paid, via MERP. Until MERP is dealt with in some way, house cannot transfer to you.
A way around this very real possibility is she fully transfers her home to you or into a irrevocable Trust now in 2023 and you absolutely no matter how bad it gets, do not ever place her into a NH and file for LTC Medicaid till winter of 2028 / 5+ years from now. Spends down her $ appropriately & with documentation to be poor in 2028. House Insurance paid and property taxes paid - no matter what- so that it does not ever go up for delinquent tax sale.
“free” rent only goes so far as a perk. Sonny & his gf. should be out leading their lives, having friends in their own place, exploring their world. Working, spending, saving, doing on their own schedule. Not tied to having to help you out in the choices you made to care for & be a companion for a woman - not a relative & not very nice - who has promised you riches from her grave. The kids friends won’t be understanding. They’re gonna bail & move out.
FWIW “free rent” in lieu of work payment is a taxable benefit.
The good folks on this forum are not dog piling on you.
BUT
You have got to realize for an outsider to do this is highly unusual.
Difficult enough on family to do this.
For non-family to leave their own place & move in, have their own family AND friends move in (the gf), take over aspects of her financials, become POA, control outside activities, looks odd.
To do & be complaining about costing you, looks like grifting gone bad.
Imo just sayin’. You have got to realize this.
Also pls. do not count on her having no family. She didn’t hatch from an egg. They’ll surface!
What I mean by "medicare, problem solved" is in regards to hospice when she is at that stage.
It seems to me that her mental state has declined alot in the last 6 months or so. She increasingly talks about dying, wanting it to be over, being tired of it all, etc. I didn't know it existed until this forum, but "failure to thrive" seems to be happening. She isn't interested in food as much, refuses to drink water, refuses to go to the doctor and when I finally get her there, refuses to let them do any tests. She could very well have cancer, an infection, etc and we would never know it. She doesn't care, which is her right. Letting her fade away in peace is what she wants me to do. Is this not what medicare paid hospice is for?
This is not me trying to "save the inheritance for myself" like so many of these other obvious grifter posts. If she gets her way, she will never NEED to go on medicaid and into a NH where they will purposely keep her alive to squeeze every penny with MERP. She wants to die here. If I follow through with my end of the bargain, medicaid won't even be a part of the equation. I am pulling strings to try and keep that from happening, yes, but it for BOTH reasons - keeping her home til the end as she wishes AND preserving the inheritance. Why is it so hard to believe that both things can be true? Why is it common practice in this country to toss our old people aside so they endure prolonged suffering in a NH no matter who is paying for it? I am doing everything I can to STOP medicaid (taxpayers) from having to pay for anything.
Why can't people get that through their heads?
The 20k is continually growing. As she still gets a steady income of about 2k/mo. That's what I make as well working 3 days per week.
Between the 2 of us, and my son and gf as back up free care (in lieu of rent) I believe we can afford an aide once a week to help with the bathing which is what I mostly need help with. If she qualifies for hospice, it sounds like that would paid for by medicare. The 20k surplus she has now is due in part to me paying too much in our shared cost living which I hope to rectify. The rest, I want tonuse for things to make her live better and by default, make my life easier.
What has NOT changed is the fact that she needs help with daily living and has all along. The nature of that help has evolved as one would expect.
Also that she will NOT be placed in a NH as is my promise to her. She is displaying signs of giving up and I don't blame her, which is why we are JUST NOW discussing hospice.
The other constant is that I have always worked. My entire life I have worked my ass off in hopes of someday buying a home in my own home town. But being a single income, single mom in a society geared toward 2 income households, the gentrification of my area continually moving the goalposts, and the ridiculous cost of living increases mean that even if I had kept my higher paying job, I STILL would not be able to buy a home. A few years ago i qualified for $250k on my own but around here that doesnt buy a carboard box in the ghetto. So please spare me the "you should have worked harder" shite. Anyone with a brain knows how hard it is if you aren't born to a wealthy family, find a rich husband, or inherit something. But go ahead and stand on your soapbox that your husband or daddy paid for and tell me I'm a bad person for all this.
I have personally seen firsthand a situation like your own work very well for both parties. A friend, a unit secretary when I was an RN, had no family and few friends. A recluse of a sort. I used to have lunch with her a few times a year, talk with her on phone a bit.
This friend retired and had a neighbor she very much loved. Shortly after retirement she had a stroke that left her able to walk slowly about her garden but not able to do for herself a whole lot otherwise. The neighbor, who had sold her own home, stepped in and gave care and managed care, came over often, gardened, cleaned, cooked.
My friend had also been very lax (no taxes paid for 8 years) and friend helped clear this all up some mess. Last year my friend was diagnosed with a firestorm of a cancer, went home on hospice to die, and this former neighbor became care manager stepping in to manage the 24/7 aids, meals, cleaning, delivery and etc.
When my friend died she left her home, worth about 500,000, to this "friend/neighbor" who had been her savior for those years after her stroke, and made her sole beneficiary.
To me this worked for them both, tho the neighbor, now a friend of MINE as well, had a mess to deal with as executor (surprise; a second mortgage taken out on the home for 75,000. Taxes, etc)--she did get the home proceeds after estate sale to pay off (surprise) unpaid bills of all sorts.
All said and done after all paid and done about 250,000. But for YEARS of work. I mean tough stuff.
I think here on Forum you are in a "no win" situation. I personally understand your situation, but given you have said you will never have another chance to have a home, I wonder if you will ever will have. I worry others will see you as some of the names some here have called you.
I worry your friend will need to go into care; Medicaid will pay out for her but will claw back on that home; after sale of it (which may be forced) you would come out with little left. You meanwhile are giving up your own life and not a little of your money if you are paying for things. You have consulted an attorney. You are doing your best. But this is all a gamble.
IF you wish to continue in this care for your friend, then do so. Get your POA set up with the bank so that YOU pay the bills if she isn't competent to do so. Help her if she is competent. Only you can make these decisions. But her 20,000 is NOT going to last long.
I fear this forum, having seen people prey upon the elders for so long, will always look askance at your situation here, unless they have witnessed it work for a friend, an elder, as I have. We often end up bickering among ourselves as to the right or the wrong of a situation, bumping up the numbers on any given thread, with never any resolution to the situation at all.
I wouldn't waste a lot of time trying to convince anyone here. Only you know your own heart. You don't owe anyone here an explanation.
You came asking if you should continue to pay for some things on your own. In my own personal opinion, no, you should not.
If this woman is needing now so much help she should likely go to care and guardianship of the state and placement. Anything else is a gamble that may get you YEARS OF WORK AND PAIN, only to be accused of being a grifter (something I don't personally think you are).
The gamble is up to you. The ball is in your court. You are consulting, as you should, an attorney.
I can only wish you the best of luck.
Why would you feel, say in my friends case, she would have been better off with NO help and care, leaving her home to the State.
I don't get that, frankly.
I am aware that there are some who DO take advantage, but if they are providing care over a period of more than a decade, then to me they have earned their "inheritance".
Just my opinion. I do know (just as you do) that there are some vultures out there. That just doesn't seem to be the case for me, and in fact our OP at this point may have, if she WERE preying, have made a poor gamble. This woman has ONLY a house worth 400,000 and she may HAVE to go into care. That amount will be clawed back quickly by medicade, and if this OP continues to invest her own money hoping for a home this may be a poor investment decision.
My son recently graduated, his gf is in school now. He is working and they support themselves. They are here as backup for me when I work outside the home. They don't do anything carewise except bring food and drink when buzzed and a few chores like take out the trash and pick up dog poop. They can't afford to move out yet. They can't afford much "rent" but they pitch in on groceries and are basically sitters for me if I have to leave. They are not expecting to inherit anything and are free to leave whenever they want. If they do, I will hire another live in.
I can assure we we do not live here for "free." I think I already explained the expenses I pay.
The Lady CAN afford to maintain/repair her house, pay for aides etc. I WANT her to do that. I want to sell her unpractical vehicle and get something easier to transport her to appointments. I want to buy her a power chair and install a wheelchair ramp, possibly a bidet, get a different mattress, etc.
She refuses to spend any of her money willingly for some irrational fear of being broke. That combined with the fact she just doesn't understand how much things cost means she honestly doesn't understand how much it's impacting me. She is not intentionally "duping" me into caring for her at my expense. Again, I'm not an idiot.
I had to talk her into $2500 dental work that she needed but it took months of coaxing. I got her an adjustable bed, she reimburseed me for it, but it was taking too long to talk her into it so just bought it. She was at risk of choking because she wants to eat in bed.
So STOP with the "you just want her fortune" BS because I'm OVER IT.
I came here for advice on how I, as her POA, can legally do these things with or without her agreement because they are for her quality of life. You are all hung up on the fact that I will inherit the house, as if that's not fair or kosher or something. Smells like jealousy to me. Inwant ot spend her money, ALL of it. On HER. But she is resisting everything.
Since you all want me to just throw her in nursing home, she's gonna need to spend down correctly anyway, right? Sheesh.
I think the most important thing I learned from this forum is that I, as her POA, must advocate for her care, not necessarily provide the care myself. Since there was no formal care agreement made up (it began as a cost share living situation) I don't have to do anything except assign and schedule and monitor her care, and pay for it with her money. She is rapidly getting to where she needs more care than I can provide so it's my duty to hire those who can.
Her decline is speeding up so it will probably be hospice soon anyway.
She has medicare so -problem solved from what I've read here.
Unless I'm wrong, didn't you say that she has about 20K in total to her name? If that's the case, I can understand her concern in spending, because that can go in no time. And any type of in-home care regarding hiring aides is expensive and if she only has 20K, it won't last long. Then what?
Now you stated that you don't need to do anything but assign, hire and pay for aides, correct? But, that sort of contradicts what you previously said...so, with you and your son and now the girlfriend (3 people) living in her house rent free, what is it that you'd be providing for her?
- And just note that if she needs to go into a nursing home, you lose the house - it legally has to go towards nursing home costs.
He is an adult now, moved his girlfriend in-is she paying her share of rent and utilities? Is she due part of the "inheritance", along with your son?
So, the three of you "live-in" for free?
Things seem to be changing in the original agreement, adding people and expenses.
What are the 3 of you doing to keep up routine maintenance where you live?
Suggest you return to the lawyer(s) and re-work/update the agreement.
Have you made plans for when your son and his girlfriend move out, get married, have children?
Your situation may never become "fair" to any of you, including your elderly friend.
There is a need to financially separate the living/expenses from the caregiving/expenses, imo. I think going forward, you will not be getting paid adequately for increasing caregiving duties-a job you cannot ever quit.
This was my mom over the last 18 months, “When she needed Tylenol and keenex, etc, she would write me a check and then I had to go cash it to buy her things or I would pay for them and she would write me a check for reimbursement. This became ridiculous as it was happening so frequently, back and forth to the bank”. And more importantly, “She uses a walker and is now having issues with that even. She can't stand long enough to prepare food or do any housekeeping but can make it to and from her bathroom as it's only 10 feet or so from her bed.”
My mom took an unexpected and precipitous turn for the worse. Now she is bedridden and I have hired aids because even working part time I can’t provide enough care by myself. So far it’s costing almost $10,000/month, so if your friend suddenly gets much worse $20,000 won’t last long. Then, as others have said, she could end up with liens on the house. I wonder if she could put the house into your name now? Depending on the state you live in and when and how much care she could end up needing it might be too late.
I wish you the best. You are in a tough situation and I know you are trying to do the right thing.
So negative.
We stick around because, relatives or not, we care for this woman as a grandmother. How sickening to hear you say just give up and throw her in a NH, let the state have her house. Just because YOU would do that to a poor old lady doesn't mean that everyone else would. Sounds like the money is even more important to you than to me.
See my other post in "nutrition" if you want more of the very long story.
Not to mention if her care gets to the point where you can't do it anymore and she eventually winds up in a facility ALL those years you spent trying to keep the state from getting her home will be for nothing and you will be the one screwed in this scenario not the elderly woman you are giving up your entire life and financial future for.
What if you get injured caring for her? What if you get sick? Are you then going to make your son quit his job to take care of you and her?
Even if she was your grandmother the advice for a senior that needs this much care and cannot afford to hire 24/7 aides would be that it is time for her to be placed into a nursing home. It is not mean or cruel to recommend this, it is just the reality and facts of the situation.
As for money being important. YES it is important to have an income to sustain a roof over your head, food on the table, electricity, water, trash pickup, mortgage payments, insurance, etc.
Also the years you spend not earning an income will reflect negatively on the money you get in social security payments in the future.
4. The care she requires is due to mobility issues. She uses a walker and is now having issues with that even. She can't stand long enough to prepare food or do any housekeeping but can make it to and from her bathroom as it's only 10 feet or so from her bed. I shop, make and serve food, clean, do her laundry, change her bed, all the yard work, feed and care for her dog, take her and her dog to appointments. So far she has not allowed me to help her with much personal care even though she needs it. She refuses to shower but keep up her own hygiene with sponge baths. I do help her wash her hair in the sink and soak and lotion her feet. I help her get dressed and undressed when we go to appointments but she spends the majority of her time in her adjustable bed watching TV or reading. I schedule the plumber as needed, the septic tank pumping, the yard maintenance that I can't do, etc but she pays for it. I check the mail, make sure bills get paid on time and have finally talked her into autopay for the things she was previously writing check for. So I am her property manager and caregiver to the extent she will allow.
4. When I first moved in and was working full time I paid $400/mo rent and she didn't need nearly as much help so it seemed fair and I wasn't feeling the deficit like I am now. When she needed Tylenol and keenex, etc, she would write me a check and then I had to go cash it to buy her things or I would pay for them and she would write me a check for reimbursement. This became ridiculous as it was happening so frequently, back and forth to the bank, that we agreed that I would buy her things as needed in lieu of rent. For awhile it was a wash. Then she started needing depends at about $80/mo and became increasingly picky eater wanting specific expensive foods. That topped with inflation at the grocery store and the cable/phone etc that I was paying meant that I was paying alot more than the original $400/mo rent.
Now that I can't work as much because she cant be left alone (she tries to walk around and falls down) I can't afford to be paying for all this on top of my own personal bills.
5. Yes I do plan to get an attorney of my own to try and protect myself and my future reward, so thank you for that advice. I am also trying to negotiate reimbursement at least for the phone and cable that I don't even use which is about $4k as well as having he pay that bill moving forward. I have receipts for all the rent I have paid, every cent I have paid out of pocket for house and yard maintenance, every grocery receipt, etc for the beginning. I really don't fear her "screwing me out of the inheritance" or anyone coming out of the woodwork when she passes but will get an attorney just in case. I'm going to need their help anyway when I have to deal with the estate as the executor and beneficiary.
Lastly, I belive that she and I both entered into this with good intentions but neither of us thought it would carry on this long. She was in really bad condition before I started caring for her and she thought the end was near. I think eating better and more and having companionship has extended her life. The financial situation needs to balance out for both of us regardless of the fact the the house will become mine in the end. I know this woman isn't my family, but I don't have grandparents and tough as it is, I love her as if she was family. We get along very well for the most part except for these difficult conversations. I belive she is declining mentally and that's the major reason why she won't budge on any changes, not because she thinks I'm trying to take her money.
I hope this helps clarify and maybe I'll get some more helpful advice than to cut my losses, move out and leave this poor woman all alone and the state take her home.
Thanks for reading.
I think anything other I would leave it to you to speak with an attorney and decide issues ongoing.
Thanks for all the responses.
I realize I need to clarify a few things.
1. My son is not at risk. We have lived here all through covid, and his college was online because of that. The fact that he was home anyway is what allowed me to continue working my full time job for the first 3 years of living here. He has since graduated and now works but still lives in his room. He has a separate entrance and buys his own food and things. His girlfriend who is doing online school is here and available when the Old Lady buzzes so that I can work 3 days per week outside the home. I am currently negotiating with my job to work remotely starting in the spring and it looks like that will be the plan as they are aware of my situation. So in essence, my son, his gf and myself are a 3 person team.
2. There is about 20k left on her mortgage and she pays it. Its about $250/mo. Her income is SS and a small pension amounting to about 2k/mo. She pays the power, water and garbage bills, however, when she got to where she couldnt write checks anymore and gave me permission to deal with it all, i discovered she had been overpaying everything and there were credits at all the utilities. I called them and explained and they all suggested she stop paying until the credits were mostly used up. I also discovered that she was paying a collection agency $100/mo that tuned out to be a scam so i put a stop to it. Before we moved in she had a land line and cable but no internet which we needed for my son's online school. She wanted me to pay for it since she didnt use it but it made more sense to get the bundle so now all 3 are in my name and i pay it even though i dont watch cable tv or use the landline. All of these savings to her monthly budget is the only reason why she has any money in the bank at all. And no, its not a vast fortune, its about $20k at the moment but since her total monthly bills only amount to about $500 the rest of her income just accumulates.
3. I have all the paperwork- Will, POA, DNR. I took her to see her own attorney at her request and he had me leave the room for part of it, I assume to make sure she was in her right mind etc, and she was at that time. She has declined some since then but is still pretty much with it mentally. She really truly has zero family. She is an only child and has no children of her own. She is 83.
**Out of space so will continue in another comment**
As POA, take the $20K in savings and pay off the mortgage, imo.
1) Your friend may change her will, as others have pointed out. Just because she has no relations, it doesn’t stop someone else winning her love and affection – which seems a bit shaky anyway. She is a good target for a scammer. (Or a ‘new love’ if she joins some sort of care group? Or a charity canvassing for people with no family?) It may seem very very unlikely, but then no-one expects it, do they?
2) She may need more care than you can provide, and as others have also pointed out, that can demolish assets quite rapidly. If she gets through her attractive bank account and needs Medicaid, they will put a lien on the house. That is not at all unlikely.
You have put yourself and your son in a position where she has all the power. And she is using it to keep you where she wants you. The only power you have is to stop.
Perhaps a half-way step might be to say that you need to earn more money, so you will increase your paid work hours and she needs to hire a caregiver to be there when you are not. Or to have a holiday or some other trip, and let her work out how to cope while you are away. Or you go to a counselor or a lawyer to work out options to protect your interests.
In my youth I worked as a judge’s associate. My judge told me regularly “Don’t stick your arse out to be kicked, my dear”. That’s what you are doing now.
So yeah don’t be surprised if you don’t end up with the house, and instead you have 50k in legal bills.
Wondering - how old is she currently? And what type of care giving are you currently doing for her? Just trying to get a sense of your total responsibilities in this and the time that's required from you in taking care of her at this stage of her life and health.
I saw a lawyer for my situation, and he told me not to waste anymore time with it. I started the process to have my sister placed in a beautiful group home where she thrived. She also attended classes to learn some of her eating and mobility skills, went to church and got baptized. She had a life besides sitting in the house all day hidden from the world with an alcoholic mom who had given up everything.
It was a three year process, and I moved after placement. Everything worked out to our advantage.
Leave this dangling carrot of disaster waiting to happen nonsense. These types of promises of the light at the end of the tunnel, this place is yours after I die nonsense never comes to fruition. How do I know? My parents promised me the same thing. My mom died, and my dad married the gold digger leech he had been cheating on mom with since I was in high school. He was ready to throw us all out on the street including his disabled child who I was taking care of at the time. People will promise you the moon to keep from hiring reputable help while trying to hang on to their bank account.
Don't fall for the scam.
Please don't do this to yourself or your son. He needs a teenage life and not a life enslaved to a selfish, miserly woman who can afford home care. Also, she has money to pay for her yard work, and home repairs. An aide can do her shopping and light housekeeping duties.
Start looking for home care agencies so she will not be left alone, and you start seeking full time employment to move. I wouldn't be concerned about seeking out lawyers or anything else. A POA can be declined. This person is not related to you. After awhile, people are transient in these types of cases. I would start by focusing on a job and getting the hell away that disaster.
"Also the house needs repairs that she refuses to spend money on but I can't in good faith spend MY money on when it's not yet my house so its becoming increasingly shabby and in disrepair."
She is obligated by Landlord/Tenant Laws to keep the house in good repair,
using her money.
Do not allow her to exploit you into thinking you are not a caregiver-especially her needing you there at increasing levels.
How bad do you want to make this right, or escape, with that "faked inheritance" carrot dangling over your head?
If you moved out, would you still be POA, and "inherit" the house?
If you are paying her bills, then pay them. All of them.
All for a supposed inheritance you turned yourself and your son into slaves? Since you have a lawyer ask him this board can't help you with something like this.
Especially since you are being held hostage by this woman for a supposed inheritance and you will ignore ALL common sense because you think you are going to win in the end.
News flash you will probably get screwed over by this woman. Get ready for it.
If your son is over 18 now, you cannot contract him out for free caregiving.
If still a teen, this may be child abuse condemning him to care for this lady.
If you yourself cannot extricate yourself from the toxic relationship,
please do not include your son.
On your son's behalf, can you send him off to college?
Get your son his own attorney, get him out of this responsibility/non-responsibility. He can sue for back wages.
Your elderly friend may be the abuser/exploiter of your son, but this will fall to you as his mother?
Save your son.