Anyone else uncover disturbing family secrets/skeletons in the closet while caregiving?

I think we hold our parents in some mythical status of living in a time when these things didn't happen. Our grandfather turned out to be the result of an affair between a rich man's son and his maid. Does this make us all bastard children? No, just a little more informed on the imperfections of another era. You should set aside the anger, it is her life, and you will never know what motivated her, nor should you ask.

Ah those skeletons. I sometimes think we've got so many hammering on the closet door that it's best to put a stout padlock on the outside and try to ignore them.

Neverland, I'm sorry that it was a particularly sore spot that got poked with you; but in general - not this time - it amuses me when succeeding generations have allowed themselves to imagine that their elders never had illicit sex, never made foolish decisions or had private passions, were never young, were never infatuated, were never naïve, never did anything they might later regret or be embarrassed by or ashamed of… And, above all, that they treasure no secrets.

My siblings imagine that the only people who ever mattered to my mother are her children, and my late father. Well, now. I don't know who, but somebody gave my mother an extremely nice lipstick and powder compact for her 21st birthday, and to judge by the colour of the lipstick it sure as h*** wasn't a family member, not even allowing for 1940s' fashions. And she didn't meet my dad for another six years. And she's kept this present very safe.

Neverland, people fall in love, and not through choice, and often not wisely but too well. That's what happened to your mother. Logically, why should that mean she didn't care deeply about the hurt you suffered? She had a choice between a little judicious hypocrisy or confessing all. What would you have done in her shoes, if you wanted to comfort your beloved daughter?

I understand your conflict, of course this must have been a jolt for you. But don't judge her. You weren't there.

Your mom lead a double life? How interesting! The cheating part, not especially great, but the fact that she had a whole other side that she kept secret for so long? I find that fascinating. When the local (very rural) county courthouse burned down many, many years ago, my grandmother was the first to rush in and collect all those old records that showed who was booked in jail and for what offense. She quickly destroyed them. I will always wonder what family secrets (maybe her own?) she was trying to hide. Whats done is done, what is past is gone... all that remains is history... and history is written by the winner. LOL!

Maybe be glad your mother listened to you and gave you some sympathy when your husband cheated, which is more than many mothers talked about on these pages have done for their adult children going through crises. Maybe you also gave her another point of view about her how "mistress" status affected others. Maybe she broke it off becuase of what you said.

there is a joke i like to share when the occasion fits "they say insanity is hereditary, we inherit it from our children!" well, so goes many other things such as diseases, inheritances, family curses, and many other problems caused by unresolved issues among family members throughout generations which includes the affects they might have on other family members who might not even exist, which include details of a family members secrets. The most important question needing answered would be the reasons for which the family member acted on and why they chose to keep the secret from those they love and whom it might not matter to but could possibly affect later down the road? sometimes its something too painful to talk about and one shouldnt have to be reminded of it every day. one might have committed adultry or had given birth to a child out of wedlock and didnt want to destroy their family and marriage. however, secrets were never meant to be kept, or they wouldnt be called secrets. one must realize that, one day, their secret will be discovered and will have its many consequences to an unknown extent. it is up to an individual to decide how much they want any family members to hurt and if they want to lose their trust and respect later down the road, it could also come back around and bite you in the butt by someone with unresolved feelings who wants revenge. when it comes down to it we have to ask ourselves WOULD SHARING A PAST SECRET ON OUR OWN FREE WILL HAVE THE SAME HURTFUL CONSEQUENCES AS IT WOULD IF OUR FAMILY'S FOUND THE SECRET OUT BY ACCIDENT ON THEIR OWN? its up to the owner of the secret to decide.,,

Neverland Wow! What a shock for you. Especially after you were the one who was so distraught over your own husbands cheating. Truths come out..... I hope she had some remorse. If she still understands, I think you have every right to discuss it with her. You have done nothing wrong.

Thanks norest, I did talk to the brother as he could see I was totally shaken. He assured me, he did not belive what she said. I asked him to defend me and he says it would only cause more conflict. Probably true.Fact is he used to come more often, but I'm sure he doesn't want to hear her complaining, thats why he stays away, as does everyone else.

Thanks to all for replying to this thread and sharing your own experiences. It helps to know others have also uncovered "family secrets".

I think when it comes to secrets the Greatest Generation are the greatest at keeping them, even from family. Remember they lived in a much more judge mental society of the 50's and 60's and before. When no one lived with anyone before marriage and being pregnant out of wedlock was such a disgrace. I know there was a deep secret in my mother's family about the paternity of her sister. Poor sister didn't find out for sure until she was in her sixties. No one would step forward and settle the entire mess for years.

Today fortunately we have progressed to the point that people are not so ashamed of things they often had little or no control over. And a lot of people just don't care who knows what any more. I think it is better in many ways.

So please remember your mother's generation and upbringing when you think about the affair. She is probably more embarrassed and reluctant to discuss this situation than a younger person would be today.

In cleaning out my parents' house, I discovered that both of them had sued their employers for disability, my dad for hearing loss (he was an engineer) and my mom for something vague, I think stress. It's the kind of thing that I never, ever would have thought they would have done; staunch "do it on your own", "pay your own way" Republicans and all. Interesting insight into them.