Please bear with me, as I can come back later as I am able to explain.
APS was contacted but not by me or my sister. The results were disastrous and we were banned by the family for trying to help. After several months, he now has home delivered meals initiated by my sister months prior. The family were in denial that he could not at times prepare his own meals. He has been moved to his other step-son's home, in a cleaner environment, but alone for 10-12 hrs.
Keeping an eye on his situation:
1) Why can't he have new glasses if he has $5,000/month income?
2) Why can't he have his brace he needs to walk with post-polio syndrome?
3) How can his very ill wife take his income to support her and her 50 y.o. son in the home that he was taken from, and deny him care?
4) How can these 5 people decide to move him away again, always under their control, against his will?
5) He says he has Ca of the lung, and could not even get care in a facility because his wife needs his money for her care.
6) "They" say: "Oh, there is money, in a trust". They appear more interested in protecting their trust money than caring for either my uncle, or his wife, who remains in their home of the last 20+ years after moving in her son.
7) There is more, but I am powerless. It doesn't look good for them when his stepson (his wife's other son) says "Oh, I have his eye Rx in my pocket now". Uncle still doesn't have his glasses, and I believe, since he has 6 months to live, his wife will not allow the glasses.
I have watched real abuse go on since November, and did not report .
Can he have glasses, his brace? Caregivers come in?
Thankful that with age, knowing your limitations is a good thing.
What would you report to APS? Do you have a list to relay to them with episodes and facts to back your concerns? If they go to his home, will they find your uncle emaciated, bad personal hygiene, and generally uncared for and neglected? You had stated above that you don't have all the facts due to a schizsm amongst his family. APS will be better equipped to assess your uncle for abuse if you can present your concerns succinctly.
I truly hope this all works out for your uncle. It would wear on me too if I knew my uncle was being abused and was feeling trapped & powerless, and I sense you feel the same.
Also giving consideration to what surprise offered in their post- often patients with dementia/altzheimer's disease are not the most reliable through no fault of their own.
Good luck to you, & bless you for caring so much about him.
As cwillie stated, present things in a positive way to your uncle so as not to stress him even more. Many posters above offered great solutions as well.
Recalling now that APS required the stepson-2 to have a caregiver come in. He had told me just prior to me returning the key to his house, which I did on my own after my sister visited.
Maybe this is not the correct venue to be basically accusing the 'caregivers'
of neglect and financial fraud. We are all caregivers and would be upset to have to explain if the accusations were against us. And in this case, I am a more distant family member, not the caregiver. So I understand the conflict and discomforts.
Stepson-1 is the ATM card carrying bully now living in my Aunt & Uncle's home, using it himself. (belonging to Uncle with Uncle's name on it). Shouldn't stepson-2 or my uncle be carrying that card to have access to my uncle's money? Or does anyone believe this couple's budget (86 and 80) should include support of a third person and vet bills for his and their pets? 5-7 elderly pets.
I don't want to be this person scrutinizing their budget or lifestyle, or having to prove elder neglect, abuse, and fraud. I think it was a better idea to NOT air the family's dirty laundry. I think that my conclusions are not wrong, that there are some serious red flags, ongoing. I was wrong to wait and not report to APS at a time they would have removed both my uncle and aunt from deplorable conditions in their home which happened after Stepson-1 moved in, isolated them both, and when his mother went to the hospital took over their finances (not having POA) , too late now.
Concerns that his wife is still living under those same conditions had to be left as her choice, whether or not her decisions make sense due to her illness. I object. I object to the entire hot mess.
.
To clarify, you said:
"the stepsons are planning to take care of him going forward, someone takes him to his doctor's appts. "
Stepson - 2 had offered to give him a place to stay. Not become his caregiver.
Stepson-1 has done everything to isolate, divide, and lie about my uncle. At first, prior to fact-checking and seeing with my own eyes, I was believing him too. He is the one who 'Bans' people from the family if they don't do what he says, if they don't ask him. Including my uncle's own daughter, but he has her answering to him now.
Yes, daughter takes him to the doctor, but they won't see him for his UTI because of delays transferring the insurance to his new residence. My sister fixed the insurance part, thus was banned, to put it simply.....they were offended.
You said:
"When cancer starts bleeding, Cancer patients get low hemaglobin numbers, which affects their thinking in a similar way to how dementia works. Our oncologist explained that some people die from getting very very sleepy from the blood loss and that they just go to sleep and don't wake up. Low hemoglobin is a peaceful way to go."
Just want you to know I fully understand what you said, and appreciate you offering that clinical fact.
Lung cancer is incredibly painful. If there could be a choice in the way to die from it, it would be to die in one's sleep before the most painful moments. I am glad that hospice exists as if that cancer happens to me, I want to sleep through the pain and into eternity.
His daughter said a few months ago he is dying, has Parkinson's.
Now it is Ca if the lung. She is not reliable, watched her shouting into his ear, lying to him, convincing him to move from his home. She then is not speaking to her brother, the one planning to move him again.
It has all been too much. If this were all that was happening, it would still have been too much.
I no longer believe that we can rely on anything that is said, by any of the family, or by uncle at this point.
When the words don't match the behaviors, watch the behaviors.
Uncle has been moved, received his glasses the day before they took him to his own son's home.
He was well enough (was not always ok to dial the phone) to call my sister, so they are in touch. He called her twice this week!
He states that he has an appointment next week for his brace, but states he has no idea how long they will keep him there.
This information is in direct conflict with stepson's statement: " He told me he wanted to go." "He knows what is happening."(That he won't be coming back next week, they have moved him there).
After researching and reading more, lung cancer can be mistaken for an MRSA lung infection. My sister sent Uncle some Manuka honey.
He called her to give her the address.
I am more accepting now that he is with his own son. However, with polio he drags one leg without his brace. Even using a walker, this will limit his mobility.
After making careful plans, considering legal and financial, how does it happen this way, I will always wonder. Guess I have to hang up my idealist
hat, and watch out for predators. Wear something pretty for spring, and wait by the phone for the call: "Can you go get him?"
Wouldn't that be considered elder napping if I did?
Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go.”
Thank you so much, Cwillie! How did you slip that in there, was I sleeping?
One of my favorite verses. Because I understand it, no matter how the theologians interpret it. Fitting for old age, isn' it?
So kind of you!
He resides with son and daughter-in-law now.
He says soon they will get him a new PCP.
God Bless you Uncle.
Cwillie was right on again.
His wife's condition is unknown, but her son (living in her and my uncles home) has moved in his friend also. It is as she planned it. She may regret the abuse she will suffer from her own son someday, I fear for her. But no longer concern myself...(erasing all labels now, heart and mind not going there).
My blood relative is alive (without his brace), but alive.