Ever since my grandpa died, my uncle has not visited or talked my gram with dementia at all. How should my family approach him about this?

This sounds like my family. My Dad died almost 2 years ago. My brother and I both loved him a lot. My Mom was always verbally abusive and Alzheimer's has made her 100x worse. She was on a rage last week and her friend came over (she's the back-up Power of Attorney). My Mom was saying a lot of mean and untrue things and Cathye stood up for me. Now she hates her, told me she is not welcome at this house, she doesn't want to spend Thanksgiving with her, blah, blah. So ridiculous.
Like your Uncle, my brother does nada. I actually had him removed from the house (he's a mooch and did NOTHING to help our Mom) 6 months ago, after he lost his temper & pushed me (I ended up with a concussion that tookme 2 weeks to recover from). I think if YOU have feelings re your Uncle, you should approach him. It upsets me when my former sister in law calls me when my niece has a problem (she's 21). I'm not trying to be sexist, but men are brought up to not show emotion, and when they see a parent decline, even one who has been difficult, it breaks their heart. Plus I'd your grandfather had it too, maybe it's just too overwhelming. I live with my Mom, she's in denial. I have a caregiver 2 days a week. I have health issues too, but there are days I have to put my big girl panties on and do things when all I want to do is sleep all day. I haven't been very good about that recently, but I'm trying. I wish you luck. I know this is hard on family, and I saw my grandmother going through it when I was your age. You sound like she's very lucky to have you as a granddaughter.

So your Uncle was concerned about the welfare of his father and checked on him but when he passed away, your Uncle just cut off all his visitation with your grandmother? Sorry I am just trying to get the story straight in my mind.

You may not be the best person to speak with your Uncle, maybe it would be best if one or both of your parents had a quiet heart to heart talk with him and just asked what he was feeling and why he is remaining distant from your grandmother.

He may have had a very close relationship with his father and men deal differently with these matters then women do. You may not be aware of problems that may have existed between your grandmother and him, but then again there may have been no problems, he may find it more difficult to see and deal with losing his mother. Only he would really know why he has chosen to step back from the situation. Maybe he does not feel that he can contribute anything towards caring for grandma, I am not speaking of money but of time and care.

You said his wife had caused a lot of problems within the family as well. Did she have a bad relationship with grandma? If she did perhaps his wife is pulling him away. It would be very sad that he would miss out on the last days of her life due to an argument that may have happened a long time ago.

Someone who is calm and understanding needs to sit down and just ask him what is going on, why he isn't coming around, but do not be judgmental as to what his reasons are. You need to sit and listen, if he is willing to talk, if it is upsetting he may not feel comfortable with speaking so he has to be approached as a concerned friend who really wants to know if HE is alright. Think about it, if it is his wife, he is losing his mother and is trying not to lose his wife at the same time....he is "stuck between a rock and a hard spot."

All of you may need to drop the "I don't like his wife issue" and realize that life is very short and fragile and you need to try and get along as much as possible, then again if she is really horrible, maybe it is a blessing that they stay away.

Your Uncle is not necessarily a hypocrite for saying that family means everything to him. Maybe it does, and maybe this is the only way he has to tell you all how very much you all mean to him. Although men are usually big and strong they are for the most part non confrontational, they do not want a fight or argument, with a wife a girlfriend or a relative. He may be stating on Facebook what he wishes he could say to each of you, but to keep peace in his family, he is having to do it from afar.

Give him a break and let him explain if he wishes to what is happening that is keeping him away. In the meantime, if you want him around you may have to change your tune towards his wife.

My ex husband would have moved across the country to keep from having to be involved in caring for a sick parent, it just is not him, he runs.

I am not condoning your uncles behavior. My brother who lives a close distance does not see our mother very often. There are reasons 1) mom was a very abusive mother up until the dementia took over 2) he has health issues of his own and has lost a step son to cancer and 2 months later his mother in law passed away. 3) he can't handle the dementia and will only see our mom if my sister and I are there too. He doesn't know what to talk about...nothing in common. I know he cares, and I cut him slack for all this because when our father had dementia, he would go once a week to visit him, but mom is so much harder to deal with.

I agree that giving your uncle a chance to say what is going on and yes, your parents should handle this not you. Actually it should be your uncles siblings not in laws. I also agree it should be handled with no emotional outbursts or accusations. Many people can not handle dementia, it is hard to get their mind around it and it hurts to see the decline. My husband would not go see his grandmother when she was placed in a nursing home partly because, he said he never got along with her and he wanted to remember her as she was before she was placed. His family accepted it.

Thank you both for answering. I was at a loss of what to do. That is very good advice. I just feel it is not my place since I am a college student. Would it be better if my parents talked to him about it?

I agree with Jeanne - he needs to have a chance to explain. From what you said about his wife, my feeling is that she gives him trouble when he visits his parents and now that the only parent left (his mother) has dementia, he figures he won't remember his visits, anyway. He's trying to choose the easiest way out.

If you (or someone else) can talk with him, maybe he'll explain or at least have the courage to face the reason he doesn't go to visit. In the end, he's the one that will suffer most once his mother passes.

His posts about family on Facebook sound hypocritical, and are to some degree, but he may justify it by saying he's doing what he has to in order to keep peace in his own little family.

Of course, his wife may not be the problem. Maybe he just doesn't want to go see his mother because it's difficult and that's all. Whatever the reason, both he and you deserve the opportunity to have a talk. Try to remain respectful but show that you are hurt by his actions and the rest of the family is too.

I hope for everyone's sake, he can at least compromise.
Take care,
Carol

You certainly can't make him care, or ask, or visit. But you can have a quiet talk with him, telling it bothers you that he doesn't seem to connect with your GM and you wonder why that is. No accusations or emotional outbursts, please. Just listen to his answer. Depending on what he says you may want to discuss it further or drop it.

Maybe he is a complete hypocrite. Maybe he has reasons that make sense, at least to him. Give him a chance to explain.