Anyone felt unable to care for a parent at home because of their lack of motivation, and poor and needy attitude?

When my elderly grandma lived with us when I was growing up she would sometimes complain that she was lonely and had no one to talk to. My mother moved to independent living when she started to get isolated and cranky living on her own in a big empty house. Her health both physical and mental improved. She was able to do much more for herself (doctors appointments and such) because there was as so much on site. I did not feel any guilt nor did my brothers. This was what was best for mom.

I wished I had done this when my mother first was diagnosed with dementia. Do not feel guilty unless you drop her there and only come for holidays. You can still take care of her without the 24 hour worrying as a caregiver and enjoy your family also. God bless and do what is actually better for the both of you.

If that is the direction you are leaning in, then I would say go ahead and do it. You have to look at it that you are trying to allow her to have a happier life as well as yourself. We send our children away to go to college so they can make friends and learn to stand on their own two feet, Maybe parents could benefit from that as well, mentally you know you could.

Yes! That is so what happened with us. Mom wasn't mean or nasty, but she didn't want to do anything she didn't have to do. Thankfully she can clean herself, and feed herself. And watch tv. But ALL of her motivation came from ME. She wouldn't even consider a cane but insisted on putting her arm through my arm if we went anywhere outside. I began to really resent that. It was a metaphor for our life. And it became just too, too much. And I fell right into waiting on her hand and foot.

Now Mom is in AL two hours away. She walks around fine without a cane (though the residents advise her to get one - I think it worries them.) My hope is that she will make friends there who will provide motivation. Thank goodness she must go down to the dining room 3 times a day to eat. Now if still sits and watches tv all day between meals, it won't bother me.

Unless you have participated in rehab enough and roles can be changed enough that the old dependency habits don't reinstate themselves the moment a loved one gets home, the rehab could be in vain. We would see this with kids at camp all the time - we'd see them walking or at least transferring independently, initiating things, and then Mom and Dad arrive to pick them up and they do a total lift to put them back in the car the way they always have and BAM they are back in the shell and nothing sticks. I think the failure to invovled families in rehab is a big part of the problem, as well as old habits being hard to break and expectations and attitudes hard to change.

Assisted living sounds like a good idea. No point in turning your world upside down if she's not willing to do her share to take care of herself. She'll have more interactions with others in assisted living. Give yourselves both a break and see if you can find a good placement for her. Good luck. Oh and I laughed at your eternal cheerleader reference. That happens only in the movies! :)

DK i dont have my own family BUT if i did there is NO WAY i could have my mum living with us. im single but even when mum was ok boyfriends and friends used to comment on how "negative" mum was and alot of people didnt want to be around her. I know now shes worse and dont think i could have a boyfriend introduced to her now. Someone ill is bad but negative drains the life out of you and your family.
GoshI wish we had more AL here in Ireland but even that wouldnt interest mum but she has her own home and refuses to leave it.

I agree AL is the best for all! it will be hard for you and her but it will get easier she will get used to it.

Good luck this is a very tough decision but you have to think about your family. I have a cat and mum interfers in his "upbringing" oh god i just cant imagine the stress if i had children here.

Hugs!

If you think she is capable of living in an AL arrangement, I see nothing wrong with it. I have a negative mom that moved in with me last year. She's not too bad to live with but right now she is in rehab and she is one miserable person to be around. You don't even want to visit or talk to her she is so negative and just plain mean.

In my mother's case depression was the problem, which she had off and on all her life, but it was really bad after she broke her hip, had 2 surgeries, many complications, and pneumonia. While she was in the skilled nursing facility, she became anorexic, weak, bedridden, depressed, and was very angry, demanding, and I dreaded seeing her. Every time I went to see her she would bark out orders to me and had a long list of things she needed. I took the brunt of things, which became very very hard for me. The medication she had been on for depression for many years was not effective so we pressed for a psychiatric consult and anti depressants. I was relieved she was willing to try new medication and I had to stay on top of making sure she was getting it every day, increasing the dosage as needed. She is now on medication that became very effective after a month, and her attitude is MUCH BETTER. She has been at her home with my father and daily home care (they live on our street), but they are moving to assisted living soon because their house is too much for them (and for me and my family) to keep up with on a daily basis. Her outlook is much better and positive, especially about doing things for herself. Whatever you decide, you have to take care of yourself, stay healthy, and try not to feel guilty. Remember it's better to feel guilty than to feel resentment...

If your mom can be in assisted living or a personal care home - look into it. It may help preserve your relationship with each other! My mother was the same way when I brought her home after rehab for her stroke. She would call me on the intercom in the middle of the night to adjust her pillows, she had to be dresed, undressed, bathed, helped to go to the bathroom - no one in the house got a full night's sleep for almost 2 years. We finally had to put her in a personal care home because our whole family was falling apart (at the time of her stroke I had a 10 year old and a 2 year old as well). I was amazed to find out from her care givers a few weeks after she had gone to live in the PC that she was perfectly capable of getting in and out of bed by herself, managed all night without anyone fixing her pillows, dressed and undressed by herself, used the bathroom by herself, and while she needed assistance in the shower - she could wash herself!! She was angry with me because she lost her servant(s) when she went into PC (she kept my 10 year old running as well). and I resented the interupted sleep and lost time with my husband and children to help her with things she could do perfectly well by herelf. Her physical therapist had told me that she should be doing those things but she insisted she couldn't and I never challenged it - the people at the PC home were smarter than me! My oldest daughter is now 17 and still resents her nana and has as little to do with her as possible and there is strain between my daughter and I because she feels like I neglected her for my mother. I resent my mother for the damage she caused in my relationships with my husband and children - it is a huge mess. If you place your mom someplace now where she can be safe and receive the assistance she needs, the time you spend with her can be used to create special memories and allow you to enjoy each other's company instead of it being a chore to be around her.