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My mom has completed rehab and is supposed to be able to walk, do most of her personal hygiene, eat, and perform simple self-care tasks. I know, however, that she will not do those things if she comes home. Of course I feel I should be the eternal cheerleader, and that I should be able to motivate her while running a reasonably organized, happy home. I am leaning toward looking for an assisted living arrangement simply because her negative, demanding, bitter attitude will turn my home upside down again. Oh, the guilt... Thoughts? ...

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I have my mom in a retirement home that does everything they can except bathing and giving her meds. She answers the phone in this pitiful voice like she is really at deaths door this time. Some of her requests are ridiculas. She doesn't think things out. If I take her papers from the family collection of poems, letters, stuff, she will swear parts are missing. I copy everything I can so I can show her, this is what I gave you. She doesn't do some things she could, and should do for herself. Like take a full bath, use the hand vacuum to pick up crumbs and trash on the floor, take the dog out once or twice a day. I need to remind her it will be 58 here tomorrow, walk the DOG! She'll say my legs are too weak. I say then get up and use them and they will get stronger. (years ago she would have slapped me for talking to her that way!!). She can't reach me now.
We all just try things until hopefully something works. Hopes and prayers for all.
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Many many sincere THANKS to everyone for their helpful, comforting words. I did not realize how much I needed this AgingCare community! It remains a difficult & guilt-ridden time but I am NOT alone. May God bless all who suffer and all who care for the suffering.
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My mom recently spent 4 days lying in hospital and lost all she gained with in home therapy. Have to start over, which, thankfully the doctors ordered. But she only does it when they come in. I am trying to remember NOT to wait on her when there at the AL. She forgets meals and forgets when she's had one, so I don't always know if she ate or not.
She is weak and legs are wobbly so she doesn't want to walk the 40 ft to the elevator and across the hall to go eat. She has a walker and/or a cane for support.
I hope Safrina is right about the guilt thing.
I have permission to add a third anti-anxiety pill. Guess its time. Now to figure out how to get it to her at the right time of day. She can't remember what it's there for if I lay it on the counter, and I don't want to add just one pill into her medicine carrousel at noon. It would only hold 9 days instead of two weeks pills.
I'll figure it out, with Gods help, I always do. God Bless.
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If your mom can be in assisted living or a personal care home - look into it. It may help preserve your relationship with each other! My mother was the same way when I brought her home after rehab for her stroke. She would call me on the intercom in the middle of the night to adjust her pillows, she had to be dresed, undressed, bathed, helped to go to the bathroom - no one in the house got a full night's sleep for almost 2 years. We finally had to put her in a personal care home because our whole family was falling apart (at the time of her stroke I had a 10 year old and a 2 year old as well). I was amazed to find out from her care givers a few weeks after she had gone to live in the PC that she was perfectly capable of getting in and out of bed by herself, managed all night without anyone fixing her pillows, dressed and undressed by herself, used the bathroom by herself, and while she needed assistance in the shower - she could wash herself!! She was angry with me because she lost her servant(s) when she went into PC (she kept my 10 year old running as well). and I resented the interupted sleep and lost time with my husband and children to help her with things she could do perfectly well by herelf. Her physical therapist had told me that she should be doing those things but she insisted she couldn't and I never challenged it - the people at the PC home were smarter than me! My oldest daughter is now 17 and still resents her nana and has as little to do with her as possible and there is strain between my daughter and I because she feels like I neglected her for my mother. I resent my mother for the damage she caused in my relationships with my husband and children - it is a huge mess. If you place your mom someplace now where she can be safe and receive the assistance she needs, the time you spend with her can be used to create special memories and allow you to enjoy each other's company instead of it being a chore to be around her.
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Yes, I would go assisted living Ina minute. my mom nor me have the funds for it, so I will have to considering NH at some point. I am sole caregiver and so depressed at having to prompt her snd sometimes fight with her to do things like brush teeth etc. what kind of antidepressants worked for family member?
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I totally agree that you have to be honest with yourself and if you know that you would feel stressed and bittered...then that is OK TO SAY NO. I had to learn how to say no to my Mom living with us. She becomes complacent, negative, anxious, demanding and dependent when she is around me ...probably because I dote on her and she eats it up. I don't think she really wants to be this way.....but SHE IS. I struggled with feeling guilty many times when I drop her off at AL but then there are those moments when I KNOW in my heart of hearts that I would be a mess and my family would suffer from her presence 24/7. I love her very much and now have time to take her to all of her Dr.appointments, out for lunch and shopping so that we can have a nicer time together than if we lived with each other. She does fine around the gals who take care of her and she tries harder to be independent when I'm not around. It was her doctor, my doctor and my daughter who helped me see that it would not be a very good idea to have her live with us and now I am so thankful that I listened to them because in my gut, I knew it would not be a good idea. I wrote a "pros and cons" list and wow...the cons were many! Wishing things could be different but enjoying our time together now as we should.
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Of your Mom can afford assisted living, I'd definitely insist on that route. At your house, with the mother-daughter dynamic in place, you're probably right – she'd fail to improve further and make you and your family miserable in the process.
Get her doctor on board with the plan so he can "prescribe" assisted living for her.
Go shop for a community now and get everything in place so there's no barrier to a smooth move.
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Sorry for the typos on my phone. Ees is was. Gate is hate.
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Sorry should say I feel guilty.
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Hi there: I don't care for my mom but I go see her every sat and call her x2 everyday. I do other things her financial. I feel fully add well but I'm just not a caregiver. I also have health issues. I ess in er due to my fibro and arthritis I couldn't sleep last night I ess in so much pain. I do feel guilty but mom and I sometimes have a love gate relationship. I love her, and right now we get along cause she's gotten worse. Sad to say but she didn't fight me anymore. I love love love her and I know once she's gone she will be. I still miss my dad every day. Only been 2 years. D***, now I'm crying.
And c u arnt alone!!!
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Unless you have participated in rehab enough and roles can be changed enough that the old dependency habits don't reinstate themselves the moment a loved one gets home, the rehab could be in vain. We would see this with kids at camp all the time - we'd see them walking or at least transferring independently, initiating things, and then Mom and Dad arrive to pick them up and they do a total lift to put them back in the car the way they always have and BAM they are back in the shell and nothing sticks. I think the failure to invovled families in rehab is a big part of the problem, as well as old habits being hard to break and expectations and attitudes hard to change.
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Yes! That is so what happened with us. Mom wasn't mean or nasty, but she didn't want to do anything she didn't have to do. Thankfully she can clean herself, and feed herself. And watch tv. But ALL of her motivation came from ME. She wouldn't even consider a cane but insisted on putting her arm through my arm if we went anywhere outside. I began to really resent that. It was a metaphor for our life. And it became just too, too much. And I fell right into waiting on her hand and foot.

Now Mom is in AL two hours away. She walks around fine without a cane (though the residents advise her to get one - I think it worries them.) My hope is that she will make friends there who will provide motivation. Thank goodness she must go down to the dining room 3 times a day to eat. Now if still sits and watches tv all day between meals, it won't bother me.
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If that is the direction you are leaning in, then I would say go ahead and do it. You have to look at it that you are trying to allow her to have a happier life as well as yourself. We send our children away to go to college so they can make friends and learn to stand on their own two feet, Maybe parents could benefit from that as well, mentally you know you could.
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In my mother's case depression was the problem, which she had off and on all her life, but it was really bad after she broke her hip, had 2 surgeries, many complications, and pneumonia. While she was in the skilled nursing facility, she became anorexic, weak, bedridden, depressed, and was very angry, demanding, and I dreaded seeing her. Every time I went to see her she would bark out orders to me and had a long list of things she needed. I took the brunt of things, which became very very hard for me. The medication she had been on for depression for many years was not effective so we pressed for a psychiatric consult and anti depressants. I was relieved she was willing to try new medication and I had to stay on top of making sure she was getting it every day, increasing the dosage as needed. She is now on medication that became very effective after a month, and her attitude is MUCH BETTER. She has been at her home with my father and daily home care (they live on our street), but they are moving to assisted living soon because their house is too much for them (and for me and my family) to keep up with on a daily basis. Her outlook is much better and positive, especially about doing things for herself. Whatever you decide, you have to take care of yourself, stay healthy, and try not to feel guilty. Remember it's better to feel guilty than to feel resentment...
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If you think she is capable of living in an AL arrangement, I see nothing wrong with it. I have a negative mom that moved in with me last year. She's not too bad to live with but right now she is in rehab and she is one miserable person to be around. You don't even want to visit or talk to her she is so negative and just plain mean.
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DK i dont have my own family BUT if i did there is NO WAY i could have my mum living with us. im single but even when mum was ok boyfriends and friends used to comment on how "negative" mum was and alot of people didnt want to be around her. I know now shes worse and dont think i could have a boyfriend introduced to her now. Someone ill is bad but negative drains the life out of you and your family.
GoshI wish we had more AL here in Ireland but even that wouldnt interest mum but she has her own home and refuses to leave it.

I agree AL is the best for all! it will be hard for you and her but it will get easier she will get used to it.

Good luck this is a very tough decision but you have to think about your family. I have a cat and mum interfers in his "upbringing" oh god i just cant imagine the stress if i had children here.

Hugs!
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Don't feel guilty for being honest, not everyone is cut out to take on this very demanding job. Raising a family is demanding enough and that is very demanding on you enough especially if they are young. We want to be able to do it all but truth be told we can only spread ourselves only so thin. This doesn't mean that you love your mother any less as you weigh on different options for her well being and your own. Check in to some of the options here and make a informed guilty free decision that is best for everyone involved. Best of luck to you all.
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I wished I had done this when my mother first was diagnosed with dementia. Do not feel guilty unless you drop her there and only come for holidays. You can still take care of her without the 24 hour worrying as a caregiver and enjoy your family also. God bless and do what is actually better for the both of you.
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Assisted living sounds like a good idea. No point in turning your world upside down if she's not willing to do her share to take care of herself. She'll have more interactions with others in assisted living. Give yourselves both a break and see if you can find a good placement for her. Good luck. Oh and I laughed at your eternal cheerleader reference. That happens only in the movies! :)
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When my elderly grandma lived with us when I was growing up she would sometimes complain that she was lonely and had no one to talk to. My mother moved to independent living when she started to get isolated and cranky living on her own in a big empty house. Her health both physical and mental improved. She was able to do much more for herself (doctors appointments and such) because there was as so much on site. I did not feel any guilt nor did my brothers. This was what was best for mom.
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