What do I do when two parents are running away who has mental limitations?

You may have to go through the legal guardianship process if they are mentally incompetent. Then they can be put into a care facility. The other option may be APS or a little trickery, a "short visit" to a facility that turns into something longer.

This is one of toughest and most common situations with elders who are stubborn and borderline incompetent. That your Dad is still driving is also something to worry about, and that's also one of the toughest nuts to crack.

My folks are not far behind yours. They're hanging on in there home but won't allow any in home help or discuss assited living, so like many others I'm just waiting for the next crisis that will force the issue. Unfortunately, in many cases like ours that is what it will take to get elders the help they need but are refusing.

My dear, you have done what you could and have documentation that you tried. I'm sorry I misunderstood what you were saying.

I think in your shoes, I'd send a certified letter to APS indicating that you have no POA and thus no ability to spend their money on care. Your father is non compliant with care you have brought in. You tell them that you cannot be responsible for their well being. You let the county step in when things get ugly.

You are not required to ruin your life.

I never called anybody weak. I am sorry if you read that in there.

Nothing in our lives prepares us for the day where we have to take the reigns from our parents. It's terrifying. And it has to be done. It is a complete and total surprise to a large number of people, and they feel utterly unprepared to do so. Or even unwilling to face it.

I have walked this path myself and I can tell you that it is life-changing in a way I never expected. If I stuck with what my mom said and demanded all the time, she may be dead right now in her filthy hoarder house.

I had to show some leadership (if that's a nicer word) and do some things that were massively unpopular with her, simply to keep her safe and as well as possible.

There are an awful lot of people here who gave me a swift kick in the can when I needed it to get going and take action. Dementia caregiving requires a very thick skin and a level of creativity I did not expect. I had to grow a thick skin pretty darn quick to survive the rants, raves, fighting, arguing, swearing, foul names, and outright obstruction from other family.

Good suggestions from Sophe. For Olly, whose mom lives with her, I'm wondering if incremental would work, as in, "mom we need to hire a laundress" " we need someone to do the heavy cleaning, I'm just too worn out". Don't say she won't buy it till you've tried. I would also make contact with a local Assisted Living place. They may be willing to come visit her, make their case.

I'm curious what her response is when you say, forcefully "mom, i can't do this any more;we're out of money and i have to go vack to work. Either someone comes in to watch you or you need to live in this nice AL". And if she says "no, i want you to help me", you say " that's not one of the choices mom". I HAVE to go back to work or we'll both be in a homeless shelter.

You are going to have to grow a spine and take responsible adult interventions now. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but today is the day. What if your dad runs over somebody or hits children? No, they aren't going to like being curtailed but that is 100% beside the point. When they stopped us from playing in the street or eating candy off the ground as children, we probably had a fit too, but they had to do the responsible thing.

I realized with my mom that I had to step in - like it or not - because she didn't care if she hit or killed anyone.

These two can no longer be left on their own and need to be in a secure, supervised residence. Ideally, you can find a place where they can be together or at least very near one another inside.

Home care is a reasonable option when the person needing care is not at risk for getting outside on their own. It is extremely difficult to secure a home for anyone who may wander. There is no way to know how long that stage will last. It could be years.

To be blunt again, they don't have a choice anymore about stay at home or be somewhere safe and looked after. Sometimes you have to do what must be done and realize it's for their own good. Yes, there will be fits.

I don't think Sandwich person meant any harm and I didn't see the word "weak" in the message. Sometimes we don't want to hear what we know might be true. Yes, my father too did NOT want anyone in the house to help him, but eventually I said that mom could no longer help to bath him. so he agreed to one day a week person, eventually I got mom out of the house and had someone in for 3 or 4 hours to "babysit" him. the straw that broke was when he called 911 for no reason except to say he was being fed burnt toast and water and no one was there (and my mom was sitting right there). then he fell 2 days in a row, once taken to ER, I said he could NOT come home cause my mother could no longer care for him. (bouts of sundowning, swinging cane/walker,etc) so he was placed in NH 1 year ago. It was the best and he (with dementia/alzheimers) has no idea where he is cause he is not in the present. it was a slow/mid decline but he is being taken care of better and mom don't have to worry about him opening door at 3 am and screaming out the door. We all have different ways of typing out our feelings/ideas/etc, but I don't think any harm was intended or any kind of put down. its just that we all would like an easier way of handling things.

Ozark = sorry to have sparked such outrage. yes we do not live in a country that is fair to the elderly, but we all do the best we can. I guess I take things a little differently as I didn't take grow a spine as being weak. I figured they meant you just need to stand firm for what you want/believe in and speak up. people are either introverts or extroverts. I am an extrovert and speak up when I have a question about something, those that are introverts (like my hubby) will just let things ride along without confrontation and it doesn't mean that either person is wrong. so I am sorry IF I offended you or anyone. everyone has to do what they feel is best and if it takes something hard to finally make a stand, then that is what works for that person. good luck to us all.

I begin to see why people locked these folk in an attic.

Good luck to you and your mom and dad I know you love them dearly to have tryed so hard to find a way to deal with the proulum and I know they love you too God bless all and find peace in your lives

The one thing that worked with my demented Uncle (also ex military) was to tell him that the caregivers were there for my aunt, not for him. And that if he fired them, she couldn't remain at home with him. It didn't always work (he fired the caregivers a little less frequently ) but they had been instructed not to leave. Eventually, my cousins ended up having to get guardianship over him after my aunt passed away.