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i am Not sure if this is a question or a statement and I’m not sure if anyone else experiences this problem, or if I’m just losing my mind. My fiancé is black I am white, my daughter skin tone matches his mothers but our son besides the fact that he looks just like his father has my complexion. MIL lives with us and after a year I have come to the conclusion that she is not comfortable being in my home when it’s just her and I or her the kids and myself. I have told my my fiancé for a year now that the minute him or the nurse aid leaves the house( she is black as well). He mother is up pacing back and forth looking out the window fidgeting asking where her husband is( been dead for a year) I’ll sit her down and I’ll even lie to her and tell her her is otw back nothing works she is up and down up and down back and forth back and forth, one day I was using the bathing and fiancé left while she was sleeping she pulled the screen out of the window and the neighbor saw her and brought her back. She started screaming that she didn’t live there and told the neighbor ( black women) come on Donna ( her daughter)take me home. At first I thought I was crazy so I didn’t say anything then I noticed that in her frantic state, she will start picking on the kids taking there toys trying to grab there hand to take them home, but she only does it to my son whom looks white. I am fully aware that it is the disease and I don’t get upset at all. I tried telling my partner this when he asked why I don’t like watching her by myself. He said I was crazy. It doesn’t even have to be just him it could be a random person as long they are black. It’s very frustrating trying to make him understand cause when he is with her she is calm. She doesn’t know his name anymore. He is always referred to him as her dead husband…I can see how that may calm her but when the nurse walk in she is always called one of her daughters name and when I walk in she asks whose that white lady or I’m miss nurse. I know very well it’s the disease that does it but and I have no Ill will but it becomes an overwhelming situation as my children are 3 and 5 the boy is the youngest
So the minute she thinks whatever is going through her head she is on that boy like white on rice and won’t eat drink sit for me I tried to take her a walk once she tried to run to the black lady jogging. 🤦🏼‍♀️ by the time he gets back I’m defeated and she is sitting like an angel again. I was just wondering if I’m making this up in my mind, or has anyone else in a biracial relationship experienced this? Cause my partner thinks I fell off the turnip truck after I told him this.

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Try video taping her when she’s behaving like this. Then show it to her son. A picture is worth a thousand words!

Best wishes to you and your family.
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You say you are fully aware this is a disease, and this is part of it.
You are correct in that.
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It’s very common indeed for people who are ageing to forget things that are more newly acquired – forgetting English is almost universal here, which is why the common language groups in the big cities have associations that deal with it – Italian and Greek particularly.

What do you think MIL could be regressing to? Can you talk to her about her youth, and the black and white people that she knew then? Whether she had any bad experiences with either? Whether people got mixed up (as it seems that there was a lot of variability), and how it played out. As well as being interesting to get some family history, if you find that she had bad experiences it might help you to understand what is going wrong now in her broken brain.

Then perhaps you could avoid some of the problems, or at least not find it all so confusing. Could you have a poster-sized picture of a black? person on the wall or the back of a door, give the person a name and use it to be an 'anchor' in the house. And it would clearly help if you could explain it to your partner, especially if he doesn’t see it happening – even take some videos on your phone.
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You're not crazy, your fiance doesn't understand how dementia causes the mind to regress back decades to when his mom probably didn't know any Caucasian people at all. Now they upset her. Your children shouldn't be exposed to such histrionics so suggest mother be placed in Skilled Nursing with Medicaid if funds are not available. It's not ideal for HER to be constantly agitated nor is it healthy for you or the kids.

I suggest you and your fiance read this 33 page booklet to learn about dementia. Lots of Do's and Don't tips for dealing with dementia sufferers are suggested in the booklet. The time regression I mentioned is also discussed.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.

The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.

The full copy of her book is available here:

https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2

Good luck.
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Thanks for the help guys! She has medicine for anxiety and agitation and when I tell you it does not matter it really doesn’t I could double dose that lady and if at any point she looks around and doesn’t see someone with a darker complexion she up and gone and she will not stop now when we give her the medicine she isn’t as fast going back and forth but she doesn’t stop. I also wanted to ask cause when my own grandmother was in the last stage of her dementia she totally forgot how to speak English we had to hire a polish speaking nurse. That’s actually made me think that ethnicity could be the issue. Honestly maybe some may be cause my husband is a familiar face, but I don’t think that plays a part as he look’s absolutely nothing like her deceased husband her husband was very light skinned honestly people would mistake him white I did when I met him. None of her children complexions are dark not even hers my fiancé is the darkest of her children his sister is very fair skinned as well and MIL nurse aid has very dark skin. I don’t feel uncomfortable watching her when is gone I’m just severely sensory overload because it’s like WWE between grandma and my son then my daughter feels like she is being ignored. The hour or few he is gone is like that nursery rhyme monkey chased the Wiesel. Cause she just goes and goes in circles or she is chasing and chasing him circles. Now before she was prescribed medicine she would go so far as to chase him up to his room try to take him out of his bed. Since the medicine she will no longer go up the stairs cause out of sight out of mind. But I swear the minute she sees him come down those steps it’s game over.
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She may need meds to calm her. Ask her doctor if that would help.
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I don't know about your specific situation, but I can absolutely believe there could be these kind of issues.

I have met many people with dementia who revert to their original language. They may well live (in their mind) in their original town or country or birth.

Some show fear, some are rude, many are fully racist towards staff who look ethnically different to them, or sound different.

I've met women who showed fear of men & women who showed fear of authority figures (male or female). Past trauma?? Long held beliefs or life experiences may be deep & remain.

I would say if you or your MIL are not comfortable with you taking a caregiver role, then it is OK to step back from this. Consider becoming just a visitor - maybe only visiting with your husband if this is tolerated & more comfortable.
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Alzheimer’s and Dementia..
tell him that Moms brain is broken. His mother’s behaviors will not make sense especially when she seems to have forgotten who is who . People with Alz or dementia are often calmer in the presence of certain “ familiar “ people . She is calm around her son because to her he looks like her husband . And perhaps some of these other women remind her of other relatives . You are not a face that is familiar or resembles any family in her long term memory . You are a stranger to her , she does not recognize you nor do you remind her of anyone from her past .
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