i am Not sure if this is a question or a statement and I’m not sure if anyone else experiences this problem, or if I’m just losing my mind. My fiancé is black I am white, my daughter skin tone matches his mothers but our son besides the fact that he looks just like his father has my complexion. MIL lives with us and after a year I have come to the conclusion that she is not comfortable being in my home when it’s just her and I or her the kids and myself. I have told my my fiancé for a year now that the minute him or the nurse aid leaves the house( she is black as well). He mother is up pacing back and forth looking out the window fidgeting asking where her husband is( been dead for a year) I’ll sit her down and I’ll even lie to her and tell her her is otw back nothing works she is up and down up and down back and forth back and forth, one day I was using the bathing and fiancé left while she was sleeping she pulled the screen out of the window and the neighbor saw her and brought her back. She started screaming that she didn’t live there and told the neighbor ( black women) come on Donna ( her daughter)take me home. At first I thought I was crazy so I didn’t say anything then I noticed that in her frantic state, she will start picking on the kids taking there toys trying to grab there hand to take them home, but she only does it to my son whom looks white. I am fully aware that it is the disease and I don’t get upset at all. I tried telling my partner this when he asked why I don’t like watching her by myself. He said I was crazy. It doesn’t even have to be just him it could be a random person as long they are black. It’s very frustrating trying to make him understand cause when he is with her she is calm. She doesn’t know his name anymore. He is always referred to him as her dead husband…I can see how that may calm her but when the nurse walk in she is always called one of her daughters name and when I walk in she asks whose that white lady or I’m miss nurse. I know very well it’s the disease that does it but and I have no Ill will but it becomes an overwhelming situation as my children are 3 and 5 the boy is the youngest
So the minute she thinks whatever is going through her head she is on that boy like white on rice and won’t eat drink sit for me I tried to take her a walk once she tried to run to the black lady jogging. 🤦🏼♀️ by the time he gets back I’m defeated and she is sitting like an angel again. I was just wondering if I’m making this up in my mind, or has anyone else in a biracial relationship experienced this? Cause my partner thinks I fell off the turnip truck after I told him this.
Best wishes to you and your family.
You are correct in that.
What do you think MIL could be regressing to? Can you talk to her about her youth, and the black and white people that she knew then? Whether she had any bad experiences with either? Whether people got mixed up (as it seems that there was a lot of variability), and how it played out. As well as being interesting to get some family history, if you find that she had bad experiences it might help you to understand what is going wrong now in her broken brain.
Then perhaps you could avoid some of the problems, or at least not find it all so confusing. Could you have a poster-sized picture of a black? person on the wall or the back of a door, give the person a name and use it to be an 'anchor' in the house. And it would clearly help if you could explain it to your partner, especially if he doesn’t see it happening – even take some videos on your phone.
I suggest you and your fiance read this 33 page booklet to learn about dementia. Lots of Do's and Don't tips for dealing with dementia sufferers are suggested in the booklet. The time regression I mentioned is also discussed.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.
The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Good luck.
I have met many people with dementia who revert to their original language. They may well live (in their mind) in their original town or country or birth.
Some show fear, some are rude, many are fully racist towards staff who look ethnically different to them, or sound different.
I've met women who showed fear of men & women who showed fear of authority figures (male or female). Past trauma?? Long held beliefs or life experiences may be deep & remain.
I would say if you or your MIL are not comfortable with you taking a caregiver role, then it is OK to step back from this. Consider becoming just a visitor - maybe only visiting with your husband if this is tolerated & more comfortable.
tell him that Moms brain is broken. His mother’s behaviors will not make sense especially when she seems to have forgotten who is who . People with Alz or dementia are often calmer in the presence of certain “ familiar “ people . She is calm around her son because to her he looks like her husband . And perhaps some of these other women remind her of other relatives . You are not a face that is familiar or resembles any family in her long term memory . You are a stranger to her , she does not recognize you nor do you remind her of anyone from her past .