I find that my patience is running thin and then I have tremendous guilt if I am short. He is cognitively well, but of course at 93 there are some issues. In reading some of the posts, I really don't have some of the big problems that others are experiencing. At the same time find it to be difficult living with an aging parent. I find that I am feeling trapped with the responsibilities involved in making sure that he is OK. I signed up for this when I agreed to find a place for both of us to live together. I just thought that it would be more of a "roommate" situation. It has turned out to be an expectation that I do everything with him, so I do not have my own life. At first, I just wanted him to feel like this was his home as much as it was mine. I went out of my way to make sure that he was happy and feeling good about the move. That has now turned into my continuing to feel responsible for his comfort and happiness. I realize that I am feeling a bit resentful for the expectation surrounding his happiness. I am always feeling like I am not doing enough which is getting heavy. So instead, I am left always feeling depressed about not only his life, but also mine. I feel like my life is on hold while I care for him, and I am feeling guilty about that resentment.
And you move yourself out of the realm of DD (or Darling Daughter) who can do NO WRONG into the realm of CAREGIVER who can do not right. There is no one less qualified to be a caregiver than a child, really. Because in the mind of the parent you are just that--a CHILD.
I would say this is a great place to find support and read, comment, give advice, get advice. You might also try online Facebook groups. Ask your own doctor for recommendations, and remember that the internet for this is your friend. Say you live in Cary, Illinois. Then into your google (or other search engine) search bar, type in "Caregiver Support Groups Cary, Illinois". See what pops up. Speak with faith based pastors and priests even if you are not a believer, even if not a member of congregations; they often have a wealth of information on support groups.
And welcome.
And good luck!
You've taken on a giant burden with dad and you've given up your life in the process of caring for him. Please don't feel any guilt about having feelings over all of this! I give you a ton of credit because I couldn't have done ANY of what you're doing. I told my parents they'd have to live in Independent Senior Living and then Assisted Living when the time came. I moved them close by and helped them tremendously, but we did no cohabitate and I did no hands on caregiving. I never wanted to, frankly.
If things become too much and your peace and sanity are being compromised, please do consider Assisted Living for dad. The social aspect of AL is wonderful, and Care is available 24/7 in addition to food and many other services.
Best of luck to you.
Even if you live miles away you can join their zoom support group meetings online. Phone them.
Also, listen to Dr. Laura on Sirius XM. Some free podcasts. You'll learn that you don't feel guilt you feel either sad or badly. Either way your resentment is harmful.
To be fair you are ONLY supposed to make sure your parents are taken care of, protected, fed, clean, respected, and not obligated to be hands on.
Make sure that the caregiver or facility is doing the right thing by letting the staff see you visit your loved one. Learn their names.
You take care of your loved one by visiting, sharing a meal or event at your loved one's facility. Do what you can short of turning into a resentful hairy monster. Resentment will eat you up while you're doing it, and worse, much later too.
I believe, especially in our culture, that it is more realistic as well as our obligation to give-our-all to the generation after us.
Teach children to behave like civilized, responsible human-beings and to learn marketable skills in order to become independent.
And while raising proper adults we prepare for our old age by saving and investing in order to not become a burden to our children in our later years. Observing this is a lesson for children too.
You're probably too exhausted to think. Ask a social worker for contacts. I went to 2 or 3 groups that met in either a room in a recreation center, church or hospital meeting room before finding IMCC. You can jump around.
There are facilities that offer day care help that feed and engage the elderly from 6 AM 'till 7 PM 7 days a week. Some have day care on weekends only. You can register at some for only a couple of days each week.
You are in control. Take a deep breath.
What are the finances here? Did you and your dad buy a place together, or are you renting? Who is paying for the mortgage/rent and the regular expenses (utilities, groceries, etc.)? Did either or both of you sell a previous home to acquire this one?
Are you still working, or retired? Does your dad, or could he, got to an adult day program? (I don't call them adult daycare because that can seem demeaning and make the senior resistant to going.)
You don't know how much healthy time you have left. Hopefully a lot! But you shouldn't take for granted that whenever your time with your dad is done, that you'll still be able to do all the things you have wanted to do in your life. Make the change now. (The demands will only increase, if you remain living together.) You matter, your time matters, and your quality of life matters.
It also sounds like you have become Dad’s surrogate spouse . You need a life of your own . Options are get some help in the home to be with Dad so you can go out by yourself sometimes and see friends , Or Dad goes to assisted living .
You have nothing to feel guilty about . You’ve already gone above and beyond .
We understand the isolation you are feeling , which leads to resentment .,
My suggestion would be that you talk to him about what is your ‘breaking point’, and arrange with him to look at where he could go when that happens. There are often waiting lists, which provide options that you can turn down if they come too quickly. After you find somewhere appropriate, move at the pace you want to get him there – and get your life back.