Should I try to mend fences with my "absent" brother?

I expect a good Cognitive Behavioral Therapist would be a great help to you right now. They are the ones who help you work out strategies to deal with difficult people (no meds, the're not doctors). It helped me so very much - I found a good Christian lady who was a therapist through a large church and I never learned so much about people before! The book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud is a good start and written from a Christian perspective.

I think brother has shown you his boundary - he was attached to mom but not to dad. He's given you a very healthy response to your email, that he is sorry you feel that way. He may have been in therapy to get to that place. There may be issues with dad and or your husband that you don't know about. If brother wants to get in touch with you, he knows your email address. In the mean time, I would talk to a therapist about what went on and what to do now.

Sorry, I meant to say he was attached to your husband but not his dad.

No. F*ck him. Sorry, but I've had enough of brothers to last me - don't take me too much to heart.

Hang on.

SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY????

Don't email him again. Send him an imitation dog poo and a card saying "sweets to the sweet." I stress the imitation part - it is an offence to send foul material through the mail.

obviously he does not meet the definition of "brother" so until HE mends the fence with you, just pretend he doesn't exist. and make sure he is not going to inherit anything you might pass on. if your mom is able, talk with her about how rotten brother is, and perhaps your mom will see fit to talk to her son, but I don't think she should have to. but you are in your rights to talk with your mom about how rotten your brother is being, to you. he is not taking on his familial responsibility--he left you alone to deal with dad's funeral and didn't even bother to come to the services. that is more than rotten!

I would just let time pass and see how you feel about him in a few months or so. I used to think when I was younger that siblings should have a lifelong relationship, but I have changed my mind over the last several years, and now I feel it is alright to not be in touch with a sibling. Hope all goes well for you.

Whitney, good alternative, just don't be in touch with sibling.....but, what if the non-caregiving sibling is going incommunicado, leaves entire burden on the CG sibling, and then he excpects his share of the estate?

Why does it have to be you to mend the fence? They made it very clear where they stand when it comes to His side of the family. They both didn't come to your father's funeral. Like in therapy, you wrote to your brother about what you're feelings. His response to you was very very detached. He has absolutely no feelings or emotional attachment to your father. He has some feelings for you because he did respond to your emotional statement. He has detached emotionally, mentally and physically from his family.

You have the option ( for Your peace of mind) to continue to send him updates on the home front knowing that he will not step in to help ease your stress. Or take it as a sign from his no-show at the funeral, that he doesn't want to deal with you at all - even when one of you dies. Therefore, it's time for you to cut the family cord on your side (since he already did on his side).

No need to mend fences ... unless something major in the past blew up and he walked away?

I would also wait a while to see how you feel in a few months. I don't know that you have a fence to mend, you expressed your feelings and he expressed his. It doesn't sound like you were rude or angry with him.

It would also depend (for me) on the overall relationship you've had with your brother through the years. Is this par for the course for him when it comes to you, or has he generally been a good guy and he just wasn't interested in helping with your folks? What was his relationship like with your parents? I'd need more info before I decide what I'd suggest, other than waiting to see how you feel when you get a little more time under your belt.

The problem with email/text is that the tone is in the mind of the reader. What you write as humor can be interpreted as sarcasm, and explanation is read as an accusation. Just send him a card for his birthday, leave it at that.
Obviously he was fond of your husband. I'm going to guess that when dad died, brother just could not face more grief and shut down. I'm not making excuses for him. I have seen the same shut down in my SIL, who is very upset by her mother's continued decline. While you or I would jump up and do MORE for mom, she does less. She visits less. I asked her to give mom a shower and she doesn't do it. Check the laundry? doesn't do it. How about checking mom's BP/temp/O2. Doesn't do it. Absolute shutdown.

Don't do anything right now. You are still reeling from your loss. It doesn't sound like any fences need mending. Unfortunately, we can't choose our relatives. I have two brothers. I'm very close with younger bro. My older brother chose to have nothing to do with any of the family (my mom, step dad, his own children and my husband and kids) for years. He saw my younger son at 4 months and didn't see him again until the kid was a freshman. (brothers choice) There simply isn't a relationship there anymore. If he passes before our mother, my heart will break for her, but won't feel like I've lost a brother. Family dynamics can be tricky. Tread lightly and protect yourself.

I strongly disagree with the poster who said "I'm sorry you feel that way" is a healthy response. I think it's a total copout. Regardless of the brother's relationship with the father, he should not have left all the funeral arrangements on the shoulders of a sibling who had just lost her spouse. He should have stepped up out of common decency. He should have been there for his mother and his sister. To say "I'm sorry you feel that way" indicates that there was nothing wrong with his behavior, that he has nothing to explain or apologize for. "I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you and Mom" would at least validate his sister's feelings, even though it provides nothing in the way of explanation. This guy's a shmuck. As his sister, I'd reach out to him not to have or expect a relationship with him but to get as much support and involvement from him as possible with the needs of the remaining parent. Unless he does a whole lot better for the second parent' than the first, I'd write him off after both are gone.

CarlaCB you are always posting almost exactly what I am thinking...lol.

I also think he shouldn't leave his sister all alone to care for the mother with dementia. He should do SOMETHING to help so that she can be free to grieve over the loss of her husband...

OMG... I can't believe how heartless silblings can be.

What has your relationship been with your brother over the years? Close? Arms' length? He seems to be telling you that this is your problem to deal with, not his.

Does he have a diagnosed (or undiagnosed ) mental illness? Does he have money troubles or a difficult family/children situation?

I might try getting him on the phone and asking him if he could come down and care for mom for a week or two so you can get away and grieve, or pay for respite care for mom. But he sounds like a piece of work, on the face of it.

I have calmed down a little now. I apologise for being immoderate earlier.

However. I have not changed my view, for this reason. Let us be charitable and assume that the OP's brother has sound reasons for his behaviour - we none of us have any idea of what they might be, but let's assume there are reasons. His failure to attend his own father's funeral - and let's face it, that is by any social norm a biggie, which is why even the meanest employer would allow compassionate leave for it - could therefore be the result of history, issues or even totally unrelated problems of which we are entirely ignorant. We wouldn't blame him, perhaps, if only we knew what they were.

However. He not only chooses not to disclose those reasons to his sister. He chooses not even to state that there are any. Instead, he verges on blaming the victim, by saying that he is sorry that his sister feels hurt, or disappointed, or let down, or whatever she explained to him that she did feel. Sorry she feels that way. Not even: I'm sorry to have disappointed you. He accepts no responsibility whatsoever for his behaviour, and does not even acknowledge that it has been in any way different from the social norm. No. He's just sorry that his sister's "reaction" is what it has been. He sees her feelings as the problem, not his behaviour as the cause of them.

I'm about to get immoderate again so I am going to leave it there. Wjjlyj, you are owed at least an explanation, if not an apology. The ball is in your brother's court.

I would like to thank you all for your responses!!! I found something helpful in each and every one of them!!!

I would love to know what is behind all of the strange and heartless behavior from your brother. I have a strained relationship with my mother and brother which is due to their behavior and lies mom has told. I had to put up boundaries over time. Not what I would prefer to do but there was no dealing with them.

Was there family discord or dysfunction in the past? Is this the way he is protecting himself for some reason. What are his reasons for what appears to be a distant and cold individual?

I think the one thing we absolutely owe our next of kin is funeral arrangements. No matter how much they prepare in advance with prepaid burial or whatever, somebody else has to set that process in motion and oversee it. I think there's no excuse for not assisting his sister in this process, and not explaining his failure to do it. I think this "shut down" idea may be valid in some cases, but it's also a convenient excuse for failing to step up and do the minimally decent thing.

On the day my mom died, we held the first Viewing that night. Immediately after, my aunty started bombarding me about rosaries, etc... omgoodnes, I've been helping dad caregive mom over 20 years. Every time mom was at the edge of death, she would pull through. So when aunty started bombarding me with questions about the rosaries, etc... I panicked. In the end, my older sis and SIL ended up doing everything with regards to the viewing, rosaries, paying the priests, the use of the, etc.. I didn't do anything at all with regards to the funeral.

bookluvr- I didn't mean to imply that next of kin need to take responsibility for ever aspect of the funeral. You were obviously present and accounted for, not just at your mom's funeral but for years leading up to that. You more than did your share - not everyone is equipped to deal with priests and rosaries, especially exhausted caregivers in mourning. I hope I don't have to handle the nitpicky details for my mom either, but I'll certainly be there with and for my family when it happens.

First I am sorry for your losses, it must be very difficult. We lost mom last year, My brother lived nearby and worked for dad. I live 7 hours away. I took dad in to live w me. My brother gave me one call since dad moved in 6 months ago after I cut off his cell phone (on dads line) and provided him the ability to get a new one in his name. We had a family event 2 months ago and he wouldn't even talk to me so I am writing him off. It is not up to you to mend fences it is up to him. He apparently has no empathy for you. Ours was a financial issue with dad and he wouldn't have been able to live with my brother anyway or on his own although it would have been the perfect fit financially. He was OK to take a pay check but after dads move he doesn't bother with dad. Take it as a sign he doesn't want to be a part of yours or your mothers lives. If he comes around later then fine but unfortunately you are on your own, pretty much like I am with my sister and brother.....

I think your brother's response is fine depending on your relationship with him. If he went into any detail, it could have created an argument. Leaving it simple is the best way to avoid an argument but for the fact that people love to read more into e-mails than they probably should.

It's possible he's thinking about whether he wants to make more responses. Maybe not.

Here's another way to look at it - you might feel overwhelmed doing all this by yourself but if your brother was involved, he might not see things the same way that you do. Being able to do things based on your own decisions about what is best is sometimes easier than having a sibling involved - especially a sibling that you're not that close with. I'm telling you that from personal experience - having a sibling pop-in to help isn't always helpful and is sometimes worse than having them check-out of the whole thing.

So, I'm just giving this as food for thought. If you think you really want more from your brother and want to pursue it, you could e-mail him, again, or just call him even if he doesn't prefer that - it's your dime do it the way you want to do it. But just think about whether it would be a good idea to have his input an involvement before you push this.

Families can be most difficult to deal with because we have some emotional attachment. Not all families are close. I'm sorry you had such loss in a short period of time. You need time to grieve, allow yourself that time. Were you and your brother close growing up? Does he initiate contact? Have you asked him for his help? It does sound like he had more attachment to your husband than dad, or maybe he, for whatever reason was unable to come back the second time. NY to Fl is a long trip and can be expensive. Men have a tendency to be more 'stoic' that women. Women are typically the nurturers. It sounds like you have your hands full. Look for a local adult medical day care for your mom to attend, it can be a great place and it gives you some time to do what you need to do. Contact your local Area Agency on Aging or Bureau of Senior Services for information on in home services and caregiver services such as in home personal care or respite services. Being a caregiver is not an easy job, and yours is compounded by mom having dementia and the passing of two loved ones. Utilize the services in your area, that's what they are there for. I have some family that I no longer have contact with so I can understand how hurtful such a separation can be. I hope things work out for you.

I too have a brother who has been distancing himself from our elderly parents. Ironic since he is their favorite child and they are very hurt by him being a no-show this Christmas. While I am disappointed I don't know what happened or why he is acting this way but he is still my brother and I love him. We don't know what is in his mind, my family has always been very reticent about displaying emotions and confrontation so perhaps he has been offended by something someone said but will not discuss it. I maintain a good relationship with his daughter and estranged wife and get any updates through them. I will continue to call and leave messages and invitations but will leave it up to him and his conscious about replying or not.

Mending fences has to be a two way process. You put your feelings out there and got a reply that indicates brother is not ready or willing to meet you half way. I tried so many times to repair things with my sibling and eventually realized that he was a total narcissist, not capable of caring about other's feelings. I had to let go of the idea of the Hollywood ending, the redemption, reconciliation, etc. and put my energy elsewhere.

Have you considered that he too is grieving the loss of your father? Since you are still grieving the loss of your husband and your father, do not make any decisions about anything right now. Just wish him well, and you take care of yourself. When he is ready, he will write. My condolences for your two losses and my prayers are with you.

No; he's not worth your time and doesn't deserve your love.

It may well be that losing his dad was a tough thing for him; I have a friend who lost his dad 2 years ago and is still hurting from it. He has also not been able to see his mom, who is being cared for by his sister, due to stuff that goes back a long time and he doesn't even want to open that door. This may be the case with your brother; there may be abuse or other issues that he's hurting from.

First of all, what does your brother mean when he said "sorry you feel that way?". Did you criticize or complain to him about being an absent son-- in your opinion -- in your communication? This is not clear. It seems to me that he took your email as a criticism, and defensively replied to you.
Emails are terrible ways to communicate in family situations like this. Unlike a letter, when an email goes out it cannot be taken back. Letters which have not yet been mailed can be redone. Not emails. Never ever write a sensitive email when you are angry, and this might be the case.
His reply was also worthy of an email. It was terse, and he replied.
A phone conversation is much much better in situations like this. However, it sounds to me that you do not even have very conversational relationship with him.
My advice to you would be this --
1. Your brother does not sound like he has a close relationship with your parents. He may not even care about them that much. I do not think there is much you can do to change this at this point. The only relationship left is his with his own mother who has dementia, and all you can do is offer to keep him informed of what is going on with her, and perhaps offer to put him up in your place if he wants to visit her. There is nothing more I see that you can do.
2. Is there resentment over a will or estate her, or how any estate might be divided up. this is frequently a problem in these situations.
3. Call him directly on the phone for serious chats. No more emails. I frankly would try to call him and just have a talk and say "ya know, I sent you that email but I really would like to speak to you. I am down right now or whatever". At least give it a try. If he tells you to go away, you tried, I think you have some feelings right now about how you handled the situation, and at least put your own mind at ease.
I do not want to be a pessimist, but many siblings simple lose contact with each other after parents pass way, particularly if they come from dysfunctional families. I personally do not think I will have much of a relationship with my younger sister when my mom passes away -- she honestly does not like me much, and there is nothing I can do about it. This is life. And if you decide this is your situation, you are not alone. Just do not put think that this is your doing -- it is not.
Good luck to you.

Whatever has happened in the past, he is still your brother. Yes, he might not have been as helpful to you as you wanted, men seem to approach some things differently, but no matter what, he is your brother. In answer to your question, i think you should definitely mend fences with your brother. You don't mention having other siblings, if there is only the two of you, you are family. Family's family., no matter what. All the best.