Anyone else having trouble with non-social parent?

She's not non-social, she is just the opposite. She is an attention seeker and would do very well in Assisted Living or the Senior Center. You can either be her total home entertainment center or you get her out with people her own age. Some ALF's have a day unit. Look around.

While I understand that some people aren't social, I agree with Pam that this doesn't seem to be your mom's problem. She wants to socialize but she wants you involved.

Perhaps giving adult day care another try may help. Let them know her patterns and tough out the first days when she'll complain and try to make you feel guilty. You may have better luck if you tell here that this is her only option because you can't spend your evenings taking her out. Then stick with it. If she figures out that she can't get you to comply with her demands, she may make friends at ADC.

Good luck with this. You must take care of yourself so it's important that you find some solution. Please keep us posted and watch for insight from other forum members. We've all had different experiences.
Carol

I have that trouble, except that my mother doesn't complain about not being taken out in the evenings (passive aggressive: she just sighs every evening and says "there's nothing happening tomorrow, is there?"). She's been in respite care this week, and I hear - on the grapevine - that she is eating meals in her room, pronounced the Current Affairs discussion afternoon "just someone talking at us", and has since declined a hair appointment, a General Knowledge quiz and access to the very nice garden atrium the home has on the ground floor. Grrr.

Well. Okay. If your mother resists the Senior Center and Adult Day Care, if she won't make friends with her neighbours and she won't take advantage of a lovely day… well, she's going to be lonely, isn't she? And whose fault is that?

And that, I'm afraid - in the nicest but clearest way you can put it to her - is what you have to keep telling her. Whether or not the penny finally drops for her and she changes her mind, in the end it is her problem and only she can solve it.

Afterthought - If she likes Billy Graham will she not go to a church group, though? Any chance there?

My mother-in-law is a recluse. She moved to our area after Katrina, which may have started some of this. While she was in her house she got to where she would gradually go out less and less. Most of the time when we came to check in on her, she would be in front to the TV- sleeping. We hired a housekeeper to come in weekly with the stipulation that the HK would get Lois to sit down with her for coffee and small talk taking a 30 min. break each time she came in. Lois really enjoyed this. Once she decided to go to Assisted Living, we found a beautiful place with lots of activities, wonderful rooms. Except for meals and very occasional other things, she keeps to her room. We worried about this for awhile, but finally decided that at 91 she was old enough to choose, so we leave her alone with her decision. We do drive up to check on her weekly and call each night.

My mom is just the opposite. In March, I finally encouraged her to move to assisted living. She needed someone else besides me to socialize with. While she tells me how miserable she is at the assisted living, she does get out some with the staff taking walks and bible study. When I am there, she tells me how miserable she is and won't go out of her room with me except to the salon for me to do her hair. I thought she would socialize and I could visit and eat with her, but NO! She is doing it some when I am not there, but when I go she acts like she is in prison. Sounds like your mom could use somewhere like assisted living where she would have others during the day in the same building. Maybe a neighbor could come visit her once or twice a week..just a thought. Good luck.

Sheesh thats a part of my problem as well, although I dont live with my mother. I'd love for her to be more social with gals from church or whatever. Thats not happening. She refuses to even be nice to ladies her own age any more. When she tells me that one of them called its usually to pick, needle, or make fun of her. (Her words) Or she believes they are tryingt o get some sort of vacation out of her about what she's not doing etertainment wise so they can make fun. When I asked her about this she says that all her former girlfriends want to do is look for men when they go to events. Ive suggested some senior dances cause she is a wonderful dancer, but no, some "guy" might hit on her. You can't force them thats for sure.

Ugh, you read my mind this morning. My mother is 76, lost her husband to cancer 2 years ago and my partner and I moved back into her large house which we renovated, so she wouldn't have to move in with anyone and still be home. Anyway, she doesn't have ONE friend. She relies on me and my three older sisters. We LOVE her, but she will not go anywhere without ME. Even when my sisters come over, she says, "Please be there because I don't know what to say to them." But she will be totally content with me taking her out shopping or out for dinner and she has LOADS to say to me. I am her only friend. I love her, she is my best friend too, but it is very hard to get her to realize that having a social life is healthy. She refuses to go to senior centers or bingo - anything. "She's not one of them." You know how that goes. She doesn't view herself as a senior (neither do I really cause she's so put together) but she has to start somewhere. I'm so overwhelmed.

And here's the thing. Like you - you work all day, but I'm the opposite. I work from home and I only work until 2pm. FREE TIME. So, she waits for me or calls me up and says, "What are you doing?" It's 9am. "Working." So if I'm home, that's not "real work" to her.

She is very lonely. I wish I could give you good advice, but the one thing I can say is this: bring people over to the house. Force people into her life. This is what I'm doing and I've been seeing her enjoy the company and laughing. Make sure you tell the people the dilemma so they are extra sensitive to the situation. So far, she has gotten along really well with my in-laws who are only 10 years younger than her. I invite them over for BBQs and outings - so she is really happy with that. But then - it all falls on me.

Very frustrating. If you can't bring her to them, bring them to her!

Good luck! I'm in the same boat!

Your Mom could be fearful of going out by herself and/or being part of a group for some reason. Was she a "joiner" during her lifetime? This is what I would want to know. Does she have dementia? You didn't say. My guess is that if she does it must be pretty mild if she is allowed to go outside by herself and be left alone all day.

You do need to tell her that you can't be her only source of socialization and if things continue as they are, her mental capacity will diminish a lot faster.,(There is evidence to support this claim)

My father doesn't like groups and turned his nose up at going to a senior day activity as he is both frightened and prideful. He's afraid of looking foolish or stupid. He doesn't admit any of this, of course, but we know this to be true as even before dementia, he never joined any groups, never played any games and never watches TV.

He was and is social and charming with people but only one on one and only on his own terms.

When I visited a day senior activity center with him, he asked the social worker: "What kind of people are here...because I don't want to be around a bunch if deadbeats"

By "deadbeats" he meant old people who want to "sit around and be entertained" with games and TV"

So...it's important to get at the root if your Moms reluctance to be join a group, etc then give her lots if reassurance while at the same time, motivation and incentive to change her behavior.

This approach is starting to work with my father ... he is now a lot more open to finding other sources of socialization.

Hope this helps!

It would appear, provided that your description of your Mother is accurate, that she is doing exactly what she want to do. What's wrong with that?

Not everyone is the life and soul of the /party Not everyone is a social butterfly. Not everyone want to do the things that others believe are 'good for them'

It is recognised that we are all different. This is known as the psychology of individual differences. You need to accept your mother's choices whether you like or agree with them or not.

While it is permissible for you to make gentle suggestions to your mother about activities, you should not preach to her, or cajole her in a forceful way. She needs your love, your kindness, you attention, but not your determination to change her outlook.

She has chosen what she wants or does not want to do and her choices have to be respected in respectful ways.

Mothers do not live forever, and their autumnal years must not be filled with arguments, conflicts, or any kind of behaviour from others that are determined to change her from their chosen courses.

Let her age in peace, and if that mean in isolation, then let her choice be honoured.
The day will come when each of us will be in her situation. Having spent a lifetime at the beck and call of others [ask a mother!], why not choose to sit alone and watch TV or listen to music, or knit, or read, or, if that's what you want, to do nothing?

I would be happier if the lady that 'checks up' on her 91 year old mother had said 'we visit her.'

By the time I am 91, I will have done all the whizzing round in a whirl that I will ever have wanted to do, so, if you see me then, recognise that I am the way I am because I choose to be that way and for some excellent, and sane, reasons.

If there are mental problems that make elderly parents make unsound choices, then no amount of argument will change them. You have to know when you are licked!

The "Cared For" are always more important than the Care Givers."

You might have to change your perspective to see this, and to practice it, but if that's what it will take to get you on the same side as your aged parent, then so be it. Whatever happens, never become their enemy.

Relax, chill out, be kind, tolerant, and gentle.

Caregiver 99

I totally disagree with CAREGIVER99 that the cared for are more important than the caregivers. When the caregiver drops dead from exhaustion, or gets fed up enough to put you in a home, then the CAREGIVER is MORE IMPORTANT than the cared for. Because it is the CAREGIVER that provides the ways you can stay out of assisted living. I refuse to feel guilty because I dare to say enough is enough!

PS: I tried everything: Inviting her friends in. Taking her to places and friends she loved. Nothing worked. She would beg off saying, "I don't want them to see my tears." She would get up every morning and sigh, deeply, at the breakfast table, getting set to unload her litany of things she was dissatisfied with. She was mad that she got old. I finally told her I was through spending one more minute of my own life on my way to eternity putting up with her shit. She could tell me something good, such as, "Is our cat sitting in your lap? Loving you?" "Is your son cooking you your favorite breakfast?" "Is the sun shining outside?" "Did you sleep in a warm bed last night?" She would ignore me and continue on, "I'm all alone!" I finally got to the point where I would answer, "You haven't been alone for the last 17 years. You've been living with us with all of your needs met--" except, apparently, the one where I eat shit and die for her satisfaction. I got to the point where I no longer cared if she were mad, sad, lonely, blah blah blah.
I would leave the room and read a book in my bedroom or sit on the porch with a cup of coffee. She was a narcissistic old woman---cranky selfish OLD people were once cranky selfish YOUNG people. Unplug. Expect nothing but more misery. She died last year. I am glad she is dead. She stole 17 years of my life I will never get back and there wasn't one happy day or thank you in the lot.

I had the same problem, only it was because my mom didn't like the neighbors, and would say things like 'I am going to move the house just to spite them'. She only ever liked being around her old friends or us kids, but made life hell for us; her way or the highway. She actually did move, without telling us, had a heart attack. My brother and I had to track her down, to where we summered as kids, but she bought another house up there. She has the resources to be stubborn, but my parents never used the resources to be happy. Anyway, my brother and I aren't that old, they had us later in life, so if someone is in their 50s and giving up having a life for mom, this is a cautionary tale. After we tracked down mom, my brother's family had to move, sell their house, and take care of mom, until they had enough of her being stubborn. She was told by her doctor if she didn't change her ways, the decision would be made for her. She had an in home care person, and she wouldn't abide by doctor or caretaker rules [meds, food, exercise, none of it, stubborn to the end]. Oh, she also spent a lot of money to make sure I was cut out of the will; spiteful and hateful to the end, her way or the highway, and I kept trying to get her to change, my brother had more patience, but we both walked away to save our sanity. She kept taking showers late at night, against orders from doctor, fell and broke her leg, and never recovered; died a few months ago alone, bitter, but stubborn to the end. The point is, if there is HOPE that mom can learn a lesson [ours could not], then get her to change her day, as I read so many of these old folks manipulate. If you are in your 50s, not married, no kids, no life...do YOU want to end up that way because mom is still calling the shots? I know we didn't enjoy it.

I understand CAREGIVER99's comment. I also know that we are ALL important and we all play an important role in one another's lives. We want our loved ones to age gracefully, happily and with no conflict. Unfortunately, sometimes conflict does arise once the caregiver is completely exasperated from bowing down and giving everything they've got. Your love tank may be running on empty. What I mean is - once you are totally exhausted from being the sole caregiver, that love tank of yours is gonna run on E. And if you're running on E - how is it possible to make others happy?

Everyone is important. When my father was sick with cancer, my mother had to wash, bathe and change him and also change the bags that were hooked up to his kidneys. Not a pretty task for a 75 year old woman seeing her childhood boyfriend/husband now dying right before her eyes. We literally thought my mom would die before my dad because she was withering away. They tried to refuse hospice help - but eventually, came to their senses.

It is a very hard task to be a caregiver, emotionally and physically. Be GOOD to yourself while caring for others. Fill up that love tank!

I have the same problem with my mother. I often joke to my friends that it's like having a shadow, she always has to be with me and is usually a few steps behind! My mother lost her husband 2 years ago and suffers from a mental condition that makes her very dependent. She only lived on her own for the few months it took to sell her house and move her up with me. I'm an only child, so there is literally no one else to take care of her. She's able-bodied and enjoys being around people but only feels comfortable when I'm with her. She won't talk much with others around though, she observes and then comments to me later. It's absolutely exhausting being someone's only outlet to the real world besides the television.

Dear FedUpNow -

I am happy that you have not dropped dead from exhaustion.

God bless you.

I am sorry to hear that you have been robbed... If you have the space for it (and home owners ins.) consider something like lemonade stand or snow cone stand, or even bake sales 2-3 times a week, by time she makes all those cookies or cupcakes or what ever then the sales through the week plus a little extra income to save toward a real baseball game ticket... just a thought, have her manage a yard sale (you could go to a second hand store for items to sell, it doesn't have to be much) so many hours per day every other day, she will have visitors come by... Just a thought...

I think what you are experiencing is common for the younger elderly who has loss their spouse due to death. If she is a widow, she probably did things socially with her spouse and other couples. Being a widow, she probably isn't feeling welcome in these circles and often the single woman or widow is not welcome. Your mother is a reminder to women with husbands that widowhood is probably coming their way soon. They want to think they will have their husbands for the rest of their lives.

My father in the age range from 65 to about 78 wanted to go out with me every evening. He would keep busy at home during my work day, but he did not want
to join senior groups with lots of widows and few men. His wife passed away when she was 51 and he was 55yr old. So he spent all of his retirement as a widower.

After 78 yrs old, he was more content at home even in the evenings but he did enjoy going to his favorite diners until about 86. After 86 mobility issues did limit his time out of the house and his stamina meant he needed to take a nap from 3 pm to 4:30 pm to refresh himself for dinner.

Make sure she has the stamina to do what she wants to do. Sometimes seniors misjudge their capability. At about 85 my dad was walking the length of a local shopping mall when he became very weak. He had to sit for awhile, get a cup of tea from the food court, to get his second wind to walk to the parking lot. It happens. I would suggest having a transport chair in your car trunk so if she becomes weak anywhere, you have a safe plan b to get her home.

Hang in there, I know parents do not realize that you are tired from a full day at work. As they age, they tend to focus on their needs exclusively. My father seldom asked how I felt after age 85 or so. I am sure he cared but he never asked, more focused on himself. I think it is characteristic at that stage of old age.

I have the same problem and my 81-year-old mother, who has dementia, is in a nursing home. There are lots of activities and the director makes it a point to encourage her to participate but she will go down for a few minutes then return to her room to sleep or watch TV... even when they play bingo which used to be her favorite thing to do. Then she complains about being lonely. I'm the only child as well as the only relative who lives nearby. And it's a minimum of an hour and a half travel so I get to see her but once a week. I say she should make friends with the residents but her response is that they don't visit her so why should she bother. I'm at a loss.

I agree that if you are 91y/o and want to isolate in your home you should be able to. However the original poster was working a full-time job, coming home and expected to entertain her Mother for 3 hours by taking her out? If her Mother is not social during the day why should her hard working daughter be expected to give her few precious hours so Mom can "get out."

My mother only socialized with her sisters and very close neighbors before her stroke. We would go out every Sunday for lunch and shopping, on Saturdays she visited her sister. She would never walk to anyone's home in the neighborhood but they would stop in to visit her. Maybe you could set up with some of the neighbors to drop in and visit with her while you were at work. I lived with ,y mom for seven years before her stroke and know the feeling of working all day and coming home exhausted and listen to them saying how boring her life was. She refused to go to the senior center as well. After her stroke I had no choice but to put her in a long term nursing facility, now she talks to everyone in there and loves all the attention she is getting . I wish I pushed the senior center more but she wanted a friend to go with her and no body wanted to go as well. I think if she gave it a try she might of liked it. She was very shy and quiet before her stroke . I can understand that going to the senior center is a difficult thing for someone of her personality to try. Maybe if you go with her a couple of times she may fell more comfortable and meet a friend. I wish I had tried this but with work it just never happened. Best of luck to you!!

I have the exact same mother. She is 82 years old and depends on me for her social, financial and physical needs. I'm a 51 year old divorced woman with a grown (and wonderful) daughter and an exhausting job with 19 direct reports. I moved my mom in with me last year and it's been the most miserable year of my life. I actually had to go on Prozac because I was so incredibly depressed. She refuses to do ANYTHING without me and instead of being thankful for my never-ending support, she's mean and nasty to me. I honestly have days where I feel like running away and just disappearing. Although, I don't have the guts to put her in a home (I was ordered my whole life to not to dare put her in a home), I'm thinking of hiring an elder-care psychologist to run interference for me by brokering "deals" about boundaries between my mom and me. I absolutely feel your pain. Some days I am so stressed after returning from my 12 hour workday to her endless demands and passive-aggressive behavior that I think I will have a stroke before she does! Anyway, I completely understand. Try to hire a third party to talk to her and draw firm boundaries so you don't throw your life away for hers.

Insured home health agencies with bonded employees who've gone through a criminal background check are less likely to hire someone who will steal from you. Maybe there is a reputable agency that meets these criteria to have someone come in to provide care and companionship for your mother. We found a wonderful caregiver for my mom (although due to my mom's paranoia it didn't work out) just by-word-of-mouth and she didn't work for an agency. She was an angel, but unfortunately by mom was unable to see that. Maybe you could ask friends, relatives, co-workers if they've had someone care for a relative who was truly wonderful. Ask around, a lot, and it might open a door for you. I love someone's suggestion of finding a bible study that meets during the week since she likes Billy Graham. I'd call local churches to see what they have for seniors. Some churches provide transportation to and from these meetings. If she's staying alone, I'm assuming she's able to get ready herself and leave the house to go to a meeting. My mom's dementia came on a lot quicker than that ever being a possibility, so I'd act fast in finding social groups that she can do now to form friendships. Another great suggestion by another was to "bring people to her". That's excellent, and exactly what I've been doing. Think of people she's liked being around and arrange for them to visit. Even if it has to be after your off work and at home, this will give you a break to do some things you need to do or even leave the house during that time.

I understand the frustration. My dad was in politics and was an elected county official for 8 3 yr terms. He retired at 86 and is now almost 94. I've limited his driving to only local, ie grocery store, church, bank and dry cleaners. He took himself for a ride every day I assume. Now he wants to "to for a run" every afternoon. He can well afford gas for my car, but never offers. The run is usually about 2 to 3 hours in length and he will call my home phone and my cell phone in rapid succession 19 or 20 times. Some days I just don't answer, but in the last 3 weeks, other than 3 days, he's gone out for his ride every day. He expects it. I've suggested that he go to the local senior center but he refuses. He has no friends at all. He never did. Now he just thinks that I am his daily ride. I help him with his bills and I see his memory slipping more and more every day. I let him pay the bills, but I keep watch online to be sure they're being paid. I want him to be as independent as possible for as long as possible. He washes, not showers. He wears the same clothes day after day until I tell him they must go to the dry cleaner. He wears a suit jacket and pants with a white shirt and tie daily. Just as he did when he was working. I'm no spring chicken, I'm 71, but I do the best I can for him. I am his form of entertainment. A run every day.......he doesn't care if it's raining or not, as long as he goes for "a run"............he will say hello to the neighbors if he sees them outside, but other than that, he calls me to take him out. Truthfully, I'm hoping he forgets his "runs".......like I mentioned before, there are days that I just don't answer the phone. I sure sympathize with the original poster!

As long as your mother knows you"re going to keep taking her out why should she
have to change. If you start letting her know your tired and don't go then maybe she will change to doing something else. My mother was the same way but then she got to the place that it didn't matter if she went out or not. As long as they are ok then sometimes you can make them happy by suggesting good thing to do. They just want a right to have something that they can control that the hole issue. Having a right because they have given up everything else. You have to be firm but not mean.

CG99, I'm an introvert - it takes a lot to winkle me out of my house - and I agree that you can't turn a sourpuss into a party pants. In fact, I would hate anybody to try it on me. But the cause of complaint here is not that these elders like their own company, it's that they do exhibit loneliness and a need for social stimulation but then seem to accept it only when it comes from their children. Which on top of all the other tasks involved in caregiving is just too much for me, certainly - I can't speak for anyone else.

And I wouldn't even mind my mother shrinking her inner social circle to children, grandchildren, and one or two highly favoured nieces if it weren't for her attitude to the loyal friends she has who continue to make the effort. If I spoke and made faces about her like that she'd tell me I wasn't too big to go over her knee (I am. She should try it one day…).

I suspect that she finds the company of people her own age (90 this week) depressing because of their infirmities - not that she hasn't got them too, but I can see why she wouldn't want to have it reflected back at her all day long. Then again, what about considering those less fortunate than herself and giving them a friendly word, hm? - she's not buying it, though: I've tried.

I expect it's also partly a confidence issue, the need for familiar (literally) back-up, fear of finding herself out of her depth, and , and I make allowances. But my goodness I do get fed up when she seems to expect sympathy..!

Lucy- I catch myself expecting my mom to respond "appropriately" to social situations, when it is out of her realm to do so. I used to get so frustrated when she wouldn't thank someone for something, and that she counts on things being done for her without acknowledgement. As my mom was always polite to others in the past, I can only assume this change is due to her illness. I don't know if you dad was always polite to others, but I can take a good guess that he was as a retired politician. Dementia sure takes away a lot from an individual, unfortunately including the ability to demonstrate polite behavior. Maybe your dad isn't being rude by not asking you for gas, but he's really not thinking about the cost of gas or you always paying for it because he is only able to think about going on the ride? Since you say your dad can pay for the gas, why not say "Hey Dad, I really love taking you around, but the price of gas has increased so much that I wondered if we can possibly split the cost?" Coming up with his "fair share" would be up to you of course. If he is similar at all to my mom's status, he might be a bit off on the current cost of gas. My mom, for example, said to send $5.00 for her grandson's graduation present, as she's stuck back in the 50's with the money thing. Honestly, I wish my mom would like to go on daily drives, as she will not initiate anything, but I relate totally to your frustration of feeling like your dad doesn't appreciate your time, effort, and energy, but in fact I'll bet he does..... he just can't tell you.

Dear Caregiver 99, I can totally relate to what you are going through. I too, have brothers and sisters and they do not assist in any way, except to visit maybe quarterly. It gets tiring doing everything for them, day in and day out. What I have discovered over the years is that it is okay for me to say "No". I don't need to provide any reasons, I can just say no to Mom. I have tried to get her to the senior center, etc. and she refuses to go and have learned that that is okay too. It's her life to live the way she wants and I am not a victim here; I took on all the responsibility myself (and have kicked myself many times because of burnout). In the end, when they pass away, I can say to myself that I did everything I could and have no regrets. Don't know how my other siblings will feel, but taking care of a parent is a form of love. You sound tired, so take some time and have some fun yourself.

Thanking everyone here on this site for all the different opinions and suggestions. SO helpful to find you all here and willing to help. My hubby is 87, mild dementia, with some anger issues at times. The other day he went off because we had clouds in the sky (again!) and it might rain. We were in the car, dry, in no danger. It was a 10 minute tirade about the clouds. Turned out a light shower, blue skies everywhere! He also doesn't want to go to the senior center. His cousin also 87, goes so I arranged for her to meet him there and introduce him around. That worked! He likes the people there, but when going he always says I'm taking him to the "old folks home" and there's only old people there. I remind him of his age!
He does like it when he's there, just not liking thinking of being old. In his head, he's 30. LOL

I understand completely. My mom is the same way. I am the only person she really wants to socialize with. I have encouraged mom's friends to contact her and that does seem to help. I have also had to realize my own limitations. I can't do it all for her.

Yes. I do have the same problem w/Dad. He has to be the center of attention all the time. Loves to dance and have stimulating conversation, etc... ---Or at least he used to be that way. He wants to be entertained, too, by whomever he is with. My sis,bro, or me. He says he doesn't like this person or that person at the center. So, he refuses to go. My ex father-In-Law is the same age as him. He drives still & keeps up w/ the latest technologies w/ Facebook & internet stuff. My Dad acts happy to see him and has a good time visiting (or so it appears at that moment). When he leaves, I may say something nice about him & comment on how Dad might like "hanging out " w/ him sometime (he goes to the senior center, too). Then, Dad will say something like, " No. No. I don't want to do that. " But, he says it like it's the most ridiculous thing he's ever heard. Sound familiar? Mm-hmm! I thought so! I think they know they're slipping & are afraid to put themselves in social situations where they may be expected to "learn" or "know" things around their peers. Dad was a teacher. He is competitive too. He used to love w friend trying to match wits or debate a topic of interest with just about anyone! Now, it's like he's shy or something! I think they feel like they are being put on the spot & are afraid to call attention to anything that others may notice as " dementious" behavior in social situations. So, they choose to avoid them altogether. ( I made up the word "dementious behavior." ) But, you understand what I mean? At least it would appear so in my Dad's case. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful. I can, however, totally relate to your situation w/ your Mom. Please let us know if you find a way to get her more involved w/ her social life. Will let you know if I find something that works, too. Good luck & take care! blou