Does anyone else have trouble mentally connecting with the person they care for?

Interesting....I'm curious about your earlier relationship. We're the two of you always distant or is this due to the dementia and aging issues?

It has always been this way. My mother and father were both hermits. My mother loved being with my father, but didn't interact with other people. She went 10 years without calling me at all. Any calls made were from me to her and were very superficial. There was never any real relationship. Even now that I've been here 5 1/2 years, there is no warm relationship. I think it would be better if there were.

Mom and I used to be great friends, but now we have no real connection anymore. She is not interested in anything happening in the world, I am isolated with her and so have nothing new to talk about. I've tried to get her to reminisce but she usually says she doesn't remember, or gives a one word response. My sister chatters non stop but we have both gotten so used to the silence that it is a relief when she goes home...

Jessie, as I read your initial post I began wondering about the historical aspects of your relationship. Your second post explained it all.

I agree it would be much better for both of you if a warm relationship could be established, but it seems as if that may only have occurred between your parents, if at all. They may both have been emotionally distant people.

Are you an only child? If you have siblings, do they experience the same distance that your mother seems to establish, like a barbed wire fence around her emotions keeping everyone out?

Do you have any aunts and uncles with whom you could bond, or who might shed insight into your parents' earlier relationship? You know, and I don't write this to be critical but rather possibly insightful, that your parents may not have been enthusiastic about having children because of financial constraints, or other reasons. If so, your mother may still harbor some resentment. You're the innocent party here.

I could understand a relationship such as CWillie describes; I think as old age begins demonstrating its control and we begin to decline, eventually there's some point at which confidence, hope and enthusiasm begin to be replaced by resignation and sometimes despair.

The RLTV shows periodically features older people who've challenged the typical restrictions of old age. Some of these people go skydiving, learn new challenges, etc. They're inspirational, but I know that not everyone has that confidence.

I also think that military experience is a foundation for exploring new boundaries at any age - there's a confidence that nonmilitary people may never have had the opportunity to develop.

cwillie, I wish your sister would come visit us! I like it when my SIL visits. She never really says anything, but it's nice to have talk in the house. I go to the Senior Center here once or twice a week to exercise and to have people to talk to. Most of the people there are about the same age as my mother, but are still so interested in life and doing things. Then I come home and it's like a morgue. I feel that if I were different I could bring a little life in the house. I haven't been able to do that. Most of the time it seems she doesn't like me at all.

I cant even look my mother in the eyes anymore which is hard because she lives in my house. But after many years of 1 sided conversations I just dont have anything left in me. she dosent want to hear about my life and I don't tell her anymore. I gave up trying .after hearing the SAME things for years you just kind of learn to block em out. Im good at it now.

GardenArtist, I was writing as you were. My living brothers are distant from my mother. They call occasionally and come by once or twice a year. They are also distant with me. I used to encourage her to call them, but she would say that she didn't have anything to say. That let me know why she never used to call me.

All her siblings are dead now. My favorite aunt left me a gift from the grave. She told my cousin to let me know it wasn't me, that my mother had always been a difficult person. How she was difficult, I don't know. She spoke of how close her family had been, but I never saw that closeness. I suspect that it was imaginary. Things in her childhood family and her marriage were idealized and perfect. Things with her own children were distant and cold. My father didn't have anything to do with the family. He and my mother may have been close, but they never showed any affection to each other. My mother always thought that hugging and things like that should be left to the bedroom.

It has always been a walking on eggshells type house, but I guess it is beyond the scope of the current situation. I just wish I could feel closer to her now. I think it would make life better... at least for me.

Jessie, it's great that you're getting out! Have you checked with local libraries for other adult groups? Most in our area have musical events as well as various book clubs. At least you'd meet people of a variety of ages and have a chance to interact with people who pursue reading interests.

From what I've read of your posts, you're very intelligent, experienced, perceptive and insightful. It may be that your mother has some issues which you'll never discover, and perhaps it's time to accept that and find companionship elsewhere. I don't mean to be critical or judgmental, but it does sound as if your mother isn't a cooperative or social person and that's not going to change. Perhaps you can look to companionship elsewhere.

Two of the most exciting activities I participated in after my sister died were (a) the Jane Austen Society of North America and the (b) Assn. of American of University Women. Both were discussion groups, both were inspirational and social.

At the JASNA group meetings, we always discussed some aspect of Austen's novels, whether characters, academic analyses, social issues, etc. There was so much discussion that sometimes we stumbled over each other trying to respond!

Then we had treats afterward. Despite their high sugar content, the treats were definitely a very relaxed and social way to end the meeting.

The AAUW group was also composed of a variety of women with a variety of backgrounds. At one meeting we discussed very interesting foreign relations topics. These were well read women, with intelligent and insightful perspectives.

I always left any of those meetings with a real academic high, and not just from the sugary food either. The discussions were so inspiring. I felt really ALIVE!

Something like those kinds of groups couLD provide some counteraction to the atmosphere at home.

Whoops - sorry for the typo in the last paragraph - missed that.

And of course I've just thought of another suggestion: start your own group, whether it's reading, gardening, knitting, crochet, crafts, or perhaps better yet - start a caregiving group to connect with others of similar situations in your area.

Jessie:

"Things in her childhood family and her marriage were idealized and perfect. Things with her own children were distant and cold. My father didn't have anything to do with the family. He and my mother may have been close, but they never showed any affection to each other. My mother always thought that hugging and things like that should be left to the bedroom."

And there you have it - they weren't emotional people, they were distant, and that's your mother's nature. Unfortunately, it won't change.

In your next post, I want to hear about your plans for a new life, FOR YOU! You go, Girl, GO! Use that compassion and insightful analysis you have to connect with others and get some joy out of life before it's too late.

Yeah...I hear ya. My mom was not totally disinterested, and we could converse, but anything like sharing feelings or having real connection was not possible, because the main things she did with any feelings expressed was tell you not to/you shouldn't have them! I was her moving lady, her candy bowl lady, her laundry lady...and once in a while when I was not there, she might tell someone she was proud of me. She was from a different generation and had not really had to change much over the years, and I found I had to accept that she was living the way she thought was right.

I've put some effort into connecting today. It was mostly listening to stories about her childhood, her aunts and cousins. She is mostly living in that era of her life now in her mind. She's not really talking to me. She's more talking with me in the room, but that is okay. I've learned some about old family disharmony, like when her grandmother left everything to one daughter and not the other. It reminded me of AC discussions when she was talking about it. So even in the early 20th Cent there were siblings falling out over "mother liked you better." :) Of course, I wondered if the daughter who received everything was the caregiver, but Mom didn't know much.

I gave up the attempt at getting closer somewhere in the middle of Lawrence Welk. I just can't stand that show, but she loves it.

LOL Jessiebelle - mine liked Andre Rieu! I got her a couple VHS tapes online and she was just amazed you could do that, and enthralled...watched them over and over. I made it through one concert once.

This is a fascinating question, and the responses so far have been very interesting too. I also have a very limited relationship with my mother, but not for the reasons others here describe. Am I the only one here for whom caregiving itself drove the wedge in what was once a friendly, caring relationship?

I moved down to Florida when my mother started needing help. I thought she should have a family member close by in case of an emergency (my two sisters were two hours away from Mom but there had never been a close relationship with either one) and I wanted to take over those household tasks that were unsafe for her with her balance problems, like changing the batteries in the smoke detectors. I quickly learned that my caregiving plan was not her caregiving plan. Her attitude was "Good, I've got you here, now I want you to do A, B, C, X, Y and Z." Including some stuff she could do herself, stuff she could figure out how to do herself, stuff she didn't really need, etc. etc. For example, she wanted me to come by daily to take out her garbage and walk her dog, which were things I never contemplated doing or offered to do. That's the key point. I wanted to do what I offered to do out of the goodness of my heart. I didn't want to be seen as an unpaid service provider, at her beck and call for whatever she wanted.

That's the first part. The rest of it is that, due to our close friendship, my mother knew that I had plans for my own retirement, and that I was the last person who'd want to spend years of it stuck in one place (a place where I hate the climate, BTW) doing somebody else's chores. She knows I feel oppressed by this arrangement, she knows I feels trapped. She acknowledges that from time to time, long enough to wish out loud that I felt differently.

So the silence between us is dense and heavy, fraught with unsaid things, unexpressed resentments and hurts. It hurts her that our friendly relationship is gone. But not enough to release me from the prison of caregiving. She thinks if she ignores my feelings they will go away (that's a hold-out from old times - she always thought that way about me). At this point I hate to spend time with her, and wish every day that I could just pick up and leave.

I've seen this in a lot of older people. Even when they are good people, old age can bring in a narcissism they never had before. Their worlds can become smaller and smaller until pretty soon they don't see anyone but themselves. From what you write, it doesn't seem like your mother is particularly narcissistic except when it comes to your time, Carla. Are you her only person? She seems to be holding too tight to you. I wondered if she would be upset if you tell her that she needs to walk the dog so she can stay as mobile as possible.

I know that we can become their arms and legs for them. Some people think I should cook my mother's breakfast and do other things for her that she does for herself. It would actually be easy to do these things, but I don't want her to stop doing what she can. These tasks are the things that keep her up and moving.

Hello. my mum and I were always close. She was my best friend. She has lived with our family for over 22 yrs...when my dad left her. She is very withdrawn now and just sits and watches TV. Eats in her room. She has hearing problems. We have just bought her new aids and a gadget for hearing the TV instead of watching the CC on all the shows. But she now is having issues with walking, her legs swell up. I do believe its caused from not walking too much. I try to get her out most days but I too have house work to do and I feel so guilty not trying to get her out and about early and by lunch she is tired. She also sleeps alot now. I too feel very guilty. I feel she would be better with people her won age and have more conversation as well. But the hearing is an issue. We live in a place called Dieppe, NB Canada and the people speak with a french twang and its hard for her to hear anytime. So my husband and I have problems with getting a break for a short vacation. I need to try and rely on neighbors to help look in on her. She is 87 now.

I know the feeling of guilt. I feel so guilty not spending more time with my mother. She doesn't seem to want to, though, and I get so bored I have a hard time sitting still. I envy the people who can just sit and chat and enjoy each other. The hearing loss makes it hard, too. The TV is up so loud that I have to yell over it, then repeat myself a time or two. That gets very frustrating.

My MIL and I do not connect at all anymore. I have a hard time even looking her in the eyes unless I absolutely have to such as asking her to get out of bed so I may change her sheets or to come to the dinner table etc (I hate doing all of that but I will). Some of it is me trying to block it all out and then a lot of it is her. She has never been outgoing (she hasn't ever liked to be hugged or helped in any way and never has been close to ANYONE except MAYBE her husband who has passed 14 years ago). And me, I just can't pretend very well, making jibber jabber just to hear words. Plus when she has spoken to me lately, she says such hateful things to me (and my husband) that at one point I told her she can think whats she wants about me (us) but to do me a favor and keep it to herself. So rarely do we converse anymore. It feels bad and awkward but what else can I do? I would love for someone to invent happy, smiley, talky pills for her. I'd be indebted for life :)
I often wonder how people can be so different as I sat next to an elderly lady while getting blood work done the other day. She was a little "off" but she was so HAPPY and talked to EVERY person who came through the door but she really latched onto me. As we sat waiting, she was talking to me about her family and how she loved to sing and how she hoped we'd meet again sometime even if it were on the other side. She left me happy but wanting. Why is it that I could connect so deeply with this person and so easily but not with my own MIL. Life is just so tricky some times. I wish there was a handbook to direct me through the rough stuff or just that Happy pill I spoke of above:)

but then daybyday she might be different with her own family - was she there by herself?

No, she was there with a care provider of some sort because she doesn't drive. She was explaining to me that she is actually moving back to *** city (about an hour from where we were) to be closer to her family. I'm making an assumption here but seems like you don't move closer to people you don't want to be around. Funny thing too is there was another older women there with her son. Much for "off" then this woman but she was so loving to her son while there. Accepting help from him to walk and get to the counter. She was talkative and happy as well. She was not as outgoing with all of the strangers though. Either way, I see it all of the time. Elderly people still enjoying the time they have here instead of being miserable and making it very hard on the people who take care of them. I know the saying that the grass is always greener on the other side.

Sorry for the typo...I meant to say the 2nd woman was much MORE "off".

Jessie, when you said "and I get so bored I have a hard time sitting still" I thought you were speaking my thoughts! The weird thing is I am not really a hyper, on the go kind of person, I find it easy to sit and do nothing useful all day, that's why caregiving seems to work so well for me. But sitting in the same room as my mom, doing nothing and saying less is frustrating beyond belief! I have thought I could get a tablet so I could at least spend my time on-line near her, but if she is satisfied to spend her days "resting" and listening to music why should I fight it? She seems mostly content to live out her days in a twilight land (when I am frustrated I call it practice dying). When she first declined I tried so hard to engage her in things, now I have just given in.

I wish the high tech firms would recognize the need for application to the elder market, and spend some time developing a holographic display that would allow caregivers to program in their elders' symptoms, enter the display and live in the lives their loved ones are living, just for a few days or even a few hours.

We'd at least have more personalized insight into their feelings and behavior and could understand their lives much better.

And imagine the applications for the medical profession - they could tailor advice to specific behaviors, whereas now it's all observational - once someone is in that state, I'm not sure it's possible to be objective and share feelings and observations in a scientific manner.

I like to talk to people at doctor offices, too. I'm almost always talking to some "victim" in the room if I have any time sitting. Today it was an older man. It wasn't a good talk, though. He talked about being robbed and how often he was robbed and how life was not going to go well with these bad people. He was really stuck on the getting robbed bit. I imagine it was because he lived in a more crime-filled area of the city. Needless to say, I was glad when my mother got finished and we could leave. My bright sunny attitude had gotten a bit tarnished by all the bad thoughts about thieves among us.

ah, I've seen those too; I've always thought that was so cool, too, to be able to have that - would you say - or am I wrong - that you have to be pretty well-off to have that? but don't totally assume you're right in the move thing - could be her money to pay the caregiver's running out - at least that's what happened to my aunt - or, rather, my uncle's wife - which, we still don't understand how this happened (though, now that I think about it, I might just be able to find out this coming week, hm...) but seemingly she put my uncle in the nursing home while she had round the clock paid care at home - hm...? what you think? anyway as I understand - well, this I do know, my uncle had passed away by this point - when she began to run out of money she moved 2 hrs. away to be closer to her son - she and he had already made that move the other way once to be closer to their daughter, who then unexpectedly passed away herself but as long as they/she could manage, with money and caregivers they stayed - they still had their son-in-law - for whatever that was worth, but some I suppose at least at the time but you see where I'm going - and grandson and and goddaughter-in-law but again, so she ended up moving back up closer to her son - and daughter-in-law and at least the story as I got it - they had a basement and basically put her in it where she couldn't really get up and down the steps, so....things not always as they seem...but that's the side I got; turns out I may just be going up that way myself this coming week so maybe I can get the other side - will say, she never seemed to me to be the type person you're talking about but then we were family and inlaws besides - do somewhat get the idea she would have been like that with others

cwillie, I wish I could like what you wrote 10 times. You wrote exactly what I feel.

karen, I'm one of the lucky people who don't have to be with my mother all the time. I can come and go during the day as I want, so don't really need respite. A vacation in the mountains would be nice, but that will come in time. What you said about letting ourselves off the hook is important. The feeling of guilt from not spending more time with them can hook us, even if they don't want us to spend more time. I imagine that if my mother had a bucket list that "Spend more time with my daughter" would rank somewhere near the very bottom. (Really, it probably wouldn't be on there at all.) Come to think of it, spending more time with my mother may be high on my guilt list, but doesn't appear on my bucket list at all. :)

My parents and I never bonded well either. There was no hugging, kissing, and I love you's. There was cursing and screaming and throwing things, mostly between my parents. My mother died 1.5 years ago, and we were close and not close. She was my best friend and my worst enemy. I can't explain it. My father is in bad shape. When I feel sorry for how he's letting himself rot away, I remind myself that most of my life, he cursed and even beat me as a child with his belt. Those are not fond memories. Part of the reason he was so distant is that his mother took a shotgun to her mouth the week he moved out to college. He loved her and was never the same. I recently found his baby book. It was heartbreaking for me to read the things he did as a baby, when he was normal, and they were happy. I mourn my parents more for who they were not than who they were. I try to nourish their good qualities that I took in and ignore the bad. Anyway, you don't have to bond with your mom but tell her what you need to tell her now. I never got to tell my mother "I love you" and REALLY mean it. I never got to ask her about what she wanted to happen after she was gone.

I too have a hard time connecting to my parents. When we were young it was very evident that their 1st priority was to each other, and the kids were secondary. That was fine, it made us independent adults who have all made a success of our lives and families.

Now that they are both elderly, don't drive, and have multiple health problems they are reaching out and asking for help. I am ashamed of myself for resting this, at the same time I have compassion for their situation and the way their lives are changing as they age.

A big problem is instead of spending time visiting and talking I find myself spending my visits doing chores, changing lightbulbs, picking up prescriptions, and other time consuming tasks. I have offered to find someone to run errands and help with cleaning and chores but they don't want anyone else in the house. It terrifies me to be responsible for taking my Dad places because he is much larger than me and if he falls I could be hurt too, I am 60 so I am not that young either! And I resent the fact that when I was starting out on my own they gave me very little support or assistance but now have no hesitation asking for help. I am single and my siblings are all married with children and grandchildren so I am usually the go to person since I apparently have no personal life.

Anyway, back to the main topic, their lives have contracted so much that it is hard to find anything to talk about, so much is repeated so many times I have a hard time being polite or its a discussion about neighbors I don't know or TV shows I don't watch. I have begun to dread the phrase "I've probably already told you this!"

An add on the the above comments I am still working a full time job, travel frequently on business and do have a social life. So visits to the parents often fall on weekends when I have lots of errands of my own to do, housecleaning, laundry, etc.

Jessie, you're reminding me of - have a question - do any of ya'll feel the need to maintain contact with your parent's friends?