Any neat tricks for 'hovering' or 'shadowing'?

All sounds so familiar. My mom does the same things. If I am in the bathroom for 3 minutes she turns the doorknob at least 3 times..... Take her to the grocery store round the corner a few seconds before she does and she calling out my name like a lost kid......She knows exactly where I am just wants to make sure she is not out of control for a few seconds.

If she knows I am leaving she starts with the stall techniques, (some that I can't just ignore and go on). Do you know where my phone is? Is it OK if I wash your towel while your gone? You need to take a jacket (on an 80 degree day). Where is soap? Anything that pops into her head to delay me. If she know I am going somewhere the next day she stays awake and patrols the house the entire night. If I don't tell her until I am ready to leave I wind up leaving at least an hour late.

Totally ignores any statements I make about being late or gotta go.

Then she will find 10 things she thinks I have forgotten and calls me before I get to the end of the block.

I know it is partly anxiety, partly controlling personality, she looks so content when I finally leave totally flustered or near tears.

Yes it is good to keep some humor about it, I know that can wear thin though. I was thinking about the Seinfeld episode when Elaine had the guy always creeping up on her at work and she got him some Tic Tacs this way she could hear him coming. Just trying for some levity.

Easier said than done. When you have 2 jobs, a husband, and 5 boys to worry about on top of your mother. It really isn't my mom that is the problem for me I can really deal with not having ANY privacy if I had at least 1 weekend a month that someone would take her. It's my siblings that don't give me the help I thought they would. I've spoken to them about this and things were ok for about a week and then they only show up when it's convenient for them. Also I feel sorry for my mother because she knows they aren't around like they said they would be. They love my mother they are just selfish.

My sister and I have the same problem if we bring Mom home for a visit. Its "can I help, what can I do" etc. Basically we fall over her because she silently comes up behind us. Only thing is, even 20 years ago, when I shared an apartment with her briefly, she would never give me a moment of privacy. I used to lock my bedroom door so I could watch tv. It could be one of two things, either its age, or in my Mom's case, she simply never had an interest outside of of her family. Basically, she has and never had hobbies or a passion about anything so she depends on family or people she knows for her entire existence. She stuck to my stepfather like velcro wherever they went, even at family get-togethers she never left his side (and he was not a nice person, treated her like a servant). In 20 years we have tried everything to get her interested in ANYTHING - art, music, knitting, cards, puzzles, etc - no go. So if your mom is like ours, the best thing is to move her to assisted living. Now that mom is there she has no choice but to make a couple of friends and at least sit with them at meals, but she still participates in no activities or travel, etc. Can't change a person's personality!

Hey Soozieq, I posted a comment on this thread earlier, and can relate to a Mom who sticks like glue. Mine lives with me, and I see yours is in AL, and only visits you and your sis. Since she's not w/ you all the time, maybe when she IS with you and wants to help....I know that '"I want to help" scenario all too well, as my Mom wants to help all the time, and the poor thing gets in the way. It is rather a pain in the you-know-what, but I just think of how useless they must feel. Not MUST feel, but DO feel. So I come up w/ easy things she can do....fold the placemats (even if I have to take them out of the drawer and throw them in the basket), or sort out the silverware, or dust mop the floor, or furniture. Even if it doesn't need doing, I'll act like it does, and then praise Mom for helping me. It gives them a tiny sense of purpose. Like they're just not useless pieces of garbage cluttering up our lives, just waiting to kick off. I can't imagine how terrible it must be to be in their shoes. Heck, it's bad enough in our shoes taking care of them, and sometimes we can all forget what must go through their cracked headed old beans. Depression, lonliness, uselessness, and yet they still live on. Bummer. The ones that have been mean and grumpy their whole lives....well, I guess it's karma? Still, it's sad. Then there are the ones that have been good loving Moms, but it doesn't seem to be a picnic for them either. :(

Hey Mishka and FUN, thanks so much for your comments!! Yes it is awful, it is probably the most awful thing I've had to do in my life (turn my back on all the hurt, neglect & abuse she inflicted, and be kind and take her in and take care of her) but I have had her here for four years now and I have done my absolute very best that I could at this "job". Sure, some days get me down, but I seem to be able to find three or four things in a day that can make me happy......sometimes, it is just the song of a cardinal outside, or the way the clouds are formed. I just keep plugging on!!
FUN - I sure do get it. I've been getting it for a long time now. I think I first started getting it when I was in my late teens/early twenties, and saw how she was destroying my father (he died in his '60s of alcohol abuse - his only way out, I think). When you hear her tell others, "Oh, I was forced to have children" "I never wanted any" "You were supposed to be a boy" and don't get me started on her labor stories about me!! She's had it in for me since day one. But somehow, by G-d's supreme grace I have been able to rise above it, don't mean to sound self righteous here, but after you have taken so much, why add to it?
I do have my own family as a saving grace (pardon the pun) so I just continue to move forward although I'm sure she thinks to herself, I'M her REAL family!! Don't forget though, I have a sibling who has absolutely zero input in her care etc. -- but he is always excused!! Typical narcissist behaviour on her part.
Posters on this thread, I am SO with you. We are all in this together!! How refreshing to finally find a place to vent, to be heard, to voice opinions and above all, to get some respect!!
Thank you all. It can't go on forever..........??

I keep reading that music is working some magic. If you know what type of music they liked when they were younger play some of that type. It's a mood lifter and for some that no longer speak, will, if they hear an old favorite song, sign along! Worth a try!

Boy, my mother was the same way. I don't know the answer. They must not have any concept of time - whether it is 5 minutes or 25 minutes.

Dear Sharonmit, I drank that kool-aid for a long time: i.e. they can't change so we have to. That won't help anything. They won't change so we need to go get a sitter and leave for a good movie. You will come back healthier, less stressed with more patience. They won't change so we don't have to go nuts trying to think of ways to fix something that can't be fixed.

This is why I can't stand my mother-in-law's selfish whining: A dear, loving friend of mine who grew up horribly abused as a child is dealing with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer with all the grace and courage anyone could ask for. He is only 42. He is my hero. Bobby will never get to grow old. He will never be sitting on a couch in my living room, with all his meals cooked, his clothes washed, his bed made, his every need taken care of and still complaining and thinking only he has problems. This guy is going to die with his boots on. Read it and weep. This young man deserves my support and caring. My mother-in-law does not. This was Bobby's post to all of us today who are standing by his side as he lives as much as he can to the last minute:

Ok, I know I haven't posted anything recently about the health issues for a lot of reasons, more so because I care more about what's going on in your lives than mine but questions have arisen so here's what I found out today. The cancer is still prevalent and causing pain on a daily basis. The diabetes is still not under control because of the blood sugars, and the HIV, well I just don't know or care about it any longer because it just doesn't matter to me.

I went to the eye doctor today because last Saturday I suddenly lost vision out of my right eye. I wasn't worried about it until it continued. This was one symptom I was told about a few months ago but until it actually happens then it gets a little scary. They eye doc sent me to the ER where they happened to have a retina specialist over there who graciously made time to see me. As I sat there waiting and watching the eye doc see several patients and seemed very happy especially when he told them everything was going to be all right, imagine my horror when as he was looking and testing my eyes, he was very quiet.

Finally he asked if I had been told about what would happen as my health declined due to the diseases racking my body and the side affects of the meds I was taking. I said yes, and he quietly told me that my eyes were not getting the oxygen to the nerves that they needed and I would slowly, gradually is what I think he said lose all my eyesight. Weeks, maybe a couple of months he said but I would go blind before anything else happened. So many emotions are happening but I'm hoping that I get to see all my friends ride out of Cow Palace in June, that means a lot to me so keep your fingers crossed and let's hope that there's a purpose for all we go through in life....love you guys and ladies!

Oh, FedUpNow-your poor friend. I will pray that he gets his wish. Life is so unfair sometimes.

Thank you. ((((((( U )))))))

It's so crazy and unfair what we as caregivers to our elderly parents have to go through. It's harder than raising kids because you can usually make a child mind but how do you make your parent/s mind? Siblings won't help so they don't understand and just plain don't care. Why should it be so hard being a caregiver!!!!

The one thing that works is that on a consistent basis, I ignore the bad behavior. If the attention grabbing whining doesn't stop, I leave the house, sit on the back steps with a cup of tea and come back after ten minutes. Being ignored or left alone or told to shut up works wonders. With absolutely NO reward for bad behavior, there are less attempts to fill their boredom with the skin off your soul.

You stated that people visit. Does she do it if you leave the room and she has a visitor in the room with her? Do you get any break from her? Adult day care is not expensive and they pick up and bring them back. You could do one day a week or a few hours 2 or 3 times a week. They have activities for them to do and she would have other people her age to talk to.

Dear 2stressedout, Adult day care is a great idea. My MIL refused to go, she refused to let us take her to visit friends, she refused to let us have them visit her here. Her sole desire is constant contact with her son. That is an impossible task for the most heroic caregiver. Bad behavior does not get rewarded in this house. You have to be able to be hated, disliked, watch your elderly parent sulk, all the things THEY never tolerated when they were raising YOU. If you remember how little patience they really had with your destructive behaviors and tantrums, you will find it easier to apply a sensible rule of thumb to your situation. If they will NEVER be happy, stop trying to change that and make yourself happy by a few minutes respite from selfish behavior. Somewhere, someone is dying, fighting for their last breath, desperate to live for their family or small children. Whatever your parent's complaints, they don't hold a candle to real suffering. Do not let them burn down your house with their anger that they got old. Your life will not be one minute longer because you impaled yourself on the spikes of guilt and obligation. You can still provide the necessities they need: food, clothes, care but after that, know your limits. If you don't set boundaries, every inch of you will disappear under their demands.

FUN, I am in total agreement. If a parent gets or is suffering from dementia, their behavior is pretty much out of your control. But a parent who is hacked off at the world because they're aging and can't do what they've always done is a whole different ball game. Inflicting anger on their family/caregiver should not be tolerated. There is no excuse for it. We all get old, if we're lucky, and preparing for it mentally and financially is our obligation. If they wind up living with their adult child or in-law why should they get a pass to dish out abuse? Yes, they may act like children but would you let your child act like this? I guarantee, most of them didn't excuse us for it.
Whenever my mom whined or got ugly about things I looked her straight in the eyes and asked her "don't you think my father would've liked to live to see his 70th birthday? Here you are being taken care of. You are so ungrateful and filled with so much self pity and you think it's ok to treat my kids and me like dirt. You should be ashamed of yourself."
Respect goes both ways.

Beautifully put, FUN......and so, so true, it's ok for them to behave that way but it wasn't tolerated from us. I am so sorry to hear about your friend. I know things are not looking very well at the moment for you in either respect but please don't lose hope. It's the only thing we can hold on to!! Thank you for sharing your friend's voyage. Hope it is a peaceful and painless one.

Leviticus 19:32 ►


New International Version (©2011)
"'Stand up in the presence of the aged, show respect for the elderly and revere your God. I am the LORD.
New Living Translation (©2007)
"Stand up in the presence of the elderly, and show respect for the aged. Fear your God. I am the LORD.

English Standard Version (©2001)
“You shall stand up before the gray head and honor the face of an old man, and you shall fear your God: I am the LORD.

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
'You shall rise up before the grayheaded and honor the aged, and you shall revere your God; I am the LORD.

King James Bible (Cambridge Ed.)
Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the old man, and fear thy God: I am the LORD.

Holman Christian Standard Bible (©2009)
You are to rise in the presence of the elderly and honor the old. Fear your God; I am Yahweh."

International Standard Version (©2012)
"Rise in the presence of the aged and honor the elderly face-to-face. "Fear your God. I am the LORD.

NET Bible (©2006)
You must stand up in the presence of the aged, honor the presence of an elder, and fear your God. I am the LORD.

GOD'S WORD® Translation (©1995)
"Show respect to the elderly, and honor older people. In this way you show respect for your God. I am the LORD.

King James 2000 Bible (©2003)
You shall rise up before the gray headed, and honor the face of the old man, and fear your God: I am the LORD.

American King James Version
You shall rise up before the hoary head, and honor the face of the old man, and fear your God: I am the LORD.

American Standard Version
Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honor the face of the old man, and thou shalt fear thy God: I am Jehovah.

Douay-Rheims Bible
Rise up before the hoary head, and honour the person of the aged man: and fear the Lord thy God. I am the Lord.

Darby Bible Translation
Before the hoary head thou shalt rise up, and shalt honour the face of an old man; and thou shalt fear thy God: I am Jehovah.

English Revised Version
Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the old man, and thou shalt fear thy God: I am the LORD.

Webster's Bible Translation
Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honor the face of the old man, and fear thy God: I am the LORD.

World English Bible
"'You shall rise up before the gray head, and honor the face of an old man, and you shall fear your God. I am Yahweh.

Young's Literal Translation
At the presence of grey hairs thou dost rise up, and thou hast honoured the presence of an old man, and hast been afraid of thy God; I am Jehovah.


I think of this verse so many times when mom gets on my nerves. I think of it as a training verse.

Respecting your parent means honoring their good points not tolerating/enduring/being abused by their bad points. They are not perfect and neither am I. Bible verses can give us courage, faith and hope. They should not be used to increase guilt or misinterpreted to become, "Eat shit and die" when used to justify elder abuse of their caretakers by hitting us, keeping us up nights because they want to sleep all day so they wander all night, endlessly complaining to us rather than confiding in a counselor mindless of the burdens we carry in addition to supporting them. There us no quote anywhere that is going to get me to stop trusting my own instincts and go out on the Titanic for more ice. There is a BIG difference between honoring your parents and enduring their ABUSE!!! That is not honoring your parents; that is screwing yourself.

FedUpNow, I haven't tried the shut up technique(my mother would probably hit me) and to tell you the truth, if she ever did, I would hit back!!! I honestly believe that the verbal abuse differs from parent to parent. It depends on what kind of person they were BEFORE the dementia, etc. My mother was always a "prima donna", never would learn to drive so my father and everyone else would be at her beck and call. Demanding, OMG!!! And then I thought it was bad, now she is impossible to live with, yet there is not much else I can do about that right now. She refuses to get home care because she insists she is still as mobile as she ever was. And of course, she wants that control over me that she couldn't have when I was younger and no longer living under her roof. She even says that my life revolves around her now that my husband passed away and I should be thankful to have something to keep me busy! Any suggestions!!

I DO have a suggestion and I am NOT kidding. I have actually done this myself.
Pick a place to visit, any place, preferably out-of-the-country. In my case, I chose India. Go. Do NOT leave a phone number or any way to get in touch with her. Make it clear that you DO have a life that does NOT revolve around her and that you will NOT be giving it up just because SHE WANTS you to. This will be a hard three weeks for her. You, on the other hand, if you got to a good place will be too busy, too tired, too amazed to worry about her non-stop as she wants you to. Life will be much better when you get back. The tyrant will be less likely to flex her useless muscles to whip you into line. Take no prisoners or you will become one!!!
Yes, everyone will be pissed off at you. Here's my new motto: It's better to be pissed off than pissed on! And think of all those great memories you will have as well as renewed confidence in yourself that you really can cope--you really can survive without anyone else and you don't have to be anybody else's bitch.
Book those tickets now. One of her friends can keep track of her while you are gone. LEAVE NO WAY TO CONTACT YOU that you will actually respond to. Get emails if you must but do not write back. You can be "too busy" traveling to get in touch with anybody. Bon voyage.

It's called shadowing. And yes, it's because you are her main caregiver, so it makes them feel more secure to see where you are. My husband did this until he degressed further. It does wear on the caregiver, but understandable for the person who depends on you.

Yes, I you go FedUPNow, I wish we would keep religion out of these discussions. We all have different beliefs and like politics I don't think this is the place for either.

I think religion plays an important part in offering hope to those who believe in it. As a secular humanist, lapsed Catholic, I rely on various resources to escape my own personal hell of 17 years of caregiving as my own health suffers: I use acupuncture and massage in place of drugs. I use meditation and self-hypnosis tapes to try to fall asleep when I would otherwise be up all night with a Mother-in-law with sundowner's syndrome (sleeps all day, up all night). I watch sunsets with a cup of tea on the back porch and listen to the ducks on the pond as they settle in for the night. I feed apples and carrots to the deer who come to browse in the back yard. I enjoy watching the groundhog bring her babies back to chomp the grass. My best escape is to walk around the yard and neighborhood noticing the small details of what's good in life and taking pictures which I edit on my computer. I am extremely lonely because no one comes here to visit and my husband has chosen his mother over me. Now his kidney transplant is failing. I was in a car accident and crushed 4 vertebrae and broke one on Valentine's Day 2011. I had to drive myself to rehab and when I went to the hospital for bleeding ulcers, I passed out at the admit desk because there was NO ONE there to take care of me. Of necessity, I have had to save myself from the giant maw of self-sacrifice. If I am dead, who will take care of them?! I had to set boundaries and if they don't like it, too bad, so sad. I don't care anymore. There is no magic moment in time when caregiving will stop. And I can't kill myself anymore out of guilt, biblical admonition, or demanding mothers-in-law. No one will step in for elder care. Medicare will take your elderly parent if forced to. You are on your own for as long as you can stagger around under a burden that was unfair to begin with. I see all these questions about how to make a parent happier. It is NOT going to happen. Forget that useless path that leads to nowhere. Save yourself some sanity. If you're gone it will all fall apart. As I said, leave the house, go away for a weekend, or head to a foreign country for three weeks to escape and recoup. Otherwise, you are doomed. Counseling helps, too. You will no longer feel guilty for wanting your own life back. Remember: you are not going to get one extra minute added to your life because you gave it all up for Mom and Pop.

She is afraid of being left alone just as a little child would be. Losing your vision is scary too. Poor darling mom! It is her vulnerability, her fear that she will not see you or that you will sneak out and abandon her that is causing her distress. My mom started doing this and she had horrible vision loss. We got her a wheelchair so she could follow along wherever I go. It comforts her and hey, this is mom, so I never want her to feel scared or alone. Be gentle and kind and treat her as you would want to be treated. I am stunned at the advice given here by "FEDUPNOW" who suggests ignoring her, leaving her alone, and telling her to shut up. Anyone like that is not fit to be caring for anyone whether a baby or an older relative.

Dear Terrim, Perhaps you wouldn't be so stunned if, like me, you had been blindsided by your mother-in-law's walker, and when that tore out my right knee and I fell on the floor, she continued to pummel me with her walker until my husband hauled her off!!!!! I had 13 baseball sized bruises on my back AND I will need surgery to repair the meniscus tears on my right knee. That was on her 96th birthday! What did I do to deserve that? NOTHING! My mother-in-law has combative dementia, which means she will hit me every chance she gets for no reason. You try walking a mile in my shoes, kiddo. You wouldn't even make it to the front door. The year before that, when I leaned in to change her diaper, she punched me so hard in the face she knocked out a tooth! What else has the dear little helpless elderly nasty person done to me??? While I was changing her dressing twice a day because she had MRSA, she kicked me in the chest so hard I had bruises on my body three weeks later. I started going to counseling to tell my husband she couldn't live here anymore but he can't see abandoning her. If you think I should put up with this, then you need your head examined. I hope the same thing happens to you and I'd like to see how you feel after three years of abuse. Did you know that elders can abuse their caregivers but if you dare do anything back, YOU will be arrested. IN HELL with no end in sight. I hope you never have to go through anything like this.

PS Terrim, You can take care of my fun little mother-in-law anytime you want and then you can tell me how delightful it all is. You have no business judging me. You have never had anything like this punishment from your mother. And she is NOT my mother. My therapist advised me to take photos, which I did, and to report her to her doctor who gave her meds to try to calm her down, which don't work. Her final assault on me it to tell everyone I HIT her. Unfortunately, for her lying little tongue, the bruises are on me not her, so that doesn't hold water. Are you ready to come get her and do a MUCH better job than me. I'll have her waiting for you.

I don't know who you are Terrim but you need to ditch the judging. You have absolutely no idea what some of us have been through with our parents. I find your response to be inappropriate, judgemental and offensive. Whether you believe in God or not, YOU are NOT the one who will judge any of us when the caregiving years are finished.

Terrim, I would be interested in your caregiving credentials: how many people have you cared for and for how long? I have been caring for my mother-in-law since she was 76. She is now 97. Do the math: 21 glorious years of being bashed. At the same time, I took care of my husband during his twelve surgeries in seven years for cancer and his kidney transplant which is now failing; along with my stage 4 terminally ill father who finally died of prostate cancer after 11 years, along with my Parkinson's/Alzheimer's father-in-law until he died (the day my husband came home from the hospital for his cancer surgery), my other who died of breast cancer and died in courage and dignity, not like my husband's mother, and my stepmother currently with Parkinson's/Alzheimer's who is not violent but totally incapacitated. Walk a mile in my shoes. Oh, can't get them laced or tied? I am not surprised.