Trapped in the basement to avoid my abusive future father-in-law. What can I do?
My fiancé and I moved literally across the country to take care of his father after his wife passed away. We talked to him weekly on the phone prior to moving and he would tell us "I can barely walk", "I can't get to the store", "Nobody ever checks on me" etc and begged us to move here to take care of him. My fiancé felt terrible and we both quit good jobs and gave up everything to move to help him. When we arrived he was walking just fine, and all the relatives who live close told us they called him all the time and saw him in church and he always told them he was doing just fine and didn't need help. We were both devastated after turning our own lives upside down to move here and he didn't really "need" anything he was just not used to being alone. His wife did all the housework, chores, shopping and cooking. He has had controlled diabetes for 40 years and has no other health issues. For the last two years he has been verbally abusive to both of us. My fiancé says that's the way he has always been and blows off these tantrums. The verbal abuse is out of control and quite embarrassing because he seems to enjoy doing it in public more than anywhere. Our 5 year relationship is about to end because I just can't do this anymore. He uses guilt trips on my fiancé on a daily basis to get what he wants. We have caught him multiple times telling his friends that he supports us financially which is completely false. He doesn't pay for anything except the candy he sneaks at the store. If he doesn't like what we are having for dinner, he will call one of the relatives and tell them we didn't make him dinner. He refused to get any exercise and sits at his computer literally all day long playing solitaire or watching tv. He only leaves the house to go to church. If he needs something he will guilt trip us by saying things like "I worked for 40 years, I am done, you are supposed to take care of me now," even though there is no reason other than laziness as to why he can't do anything for himself. My fiancé caters to him because he feels like its his duty and falls right into the guilt trips. I have not gone upstairs in 2 days now after an argument about needing to get milk from the store. I have had the flu for 2 days and he got mad because I didn't want to go to the store to get the milk and asked him to do it. He threw a fit and I just can't deal with him. He is perfectly content that I am in the basement because he can't guilt trip me like he does to his son and now he doesn't have to deal with me. I have been crying for 2 days on top of being sick because I really love my fiancé but I can no longer "take care" of an abusive person who there is nothing wrong with other than laziness. I started packing today with the intention of moving out and leaving my fiancé but it hurts my heart and I don't know what to do.
53 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- My mother in law has lived with my sister in law for 5+ years. We want to help with caregiving. She has cut us out. Any suggestions?
- My mother is constantly grumpy every day, I'm afraid it's making me negative! What to do?
- What is the next step for a mother who is 88, physically fine but going down mentally, memory wise?
- My mother always feels cold even when the temperature in the house is set at 20.5 degrees. Any suggestions?
Do not worry about what your fiancé’s dad says at church. You know what's right and so do most of these people if he's gone to the same church a long time. Just keep working to stay safe and if you love your fiancé enough to stick around, work with him to help him solve this problem with his dad.
Best wishes from us all,
Carol
If FIL says he worked 40 years, I assume he is in his 60s --? His son's relationship with him will color your marriage (or relationship if you are not planning to marry) for the next 30 years. Are you prepared to face that? Are you hoping to have a family yourself? Can you imagine how that fits into this picture?
You and fiancé made two mistakes already.
1) You uprooted your entire lives and moved to FIL. Why not a two-week visit first, to see for yourself what is needed?
2) Even after you saw that you were tricked into the move you did not take action to protect yourselves. You did not, for example, move into a nearby apartment so you could see FIL on your terms and be available for real emergencies.
Please do not make a third mistake by continuing to accept this unacceptable situation. Fiancé is dismissing your concerns. He is not taking you seriously. He thinks abuse is acceptable. Daddy comes first in his life. Is this really someone worthy of you sacrificing your happiness?
Get out of that house. Try counselling. If you can't come to a greatly improved relationship, move on.
Get out.
You have no clue what you are in for. We do. Move into an apartment either alone or with your fiancée but move. You are not bound to this man as your fiancée is. There is no reason for you to live in a basement with a fiancée who won't stand up for himself or for you. Of course the FIL's behavior is unacceptable and you won't change it. Nor will your fiancée be able to change it. All you can do is change yourself or your living situation. FIL is going to act the same way he's been acting for decades. It's not for you to dissect his behavior and figure out a way to live with it. You said your fiancée puts up with it because that's how FIL's always been. Think he's going to change now? No.
This could be your life for the next 15 years. Is this what you want for you and your fiancée? Your fiancée may be stuck in his father's web but you are not. This will ruin your life. Don't give up on your relationship. Don't do a "It's him or me" on your finance but get away now while you can. You can live separately from your fiancée and still be together. And why does your fiancée think all of this is acceptable? When he discovered that your FIL got you there on false information why was that ok with your fiancée? Why continue to live there when FIL doesn't need around-the-clock assistance? I hope your fiancée is packing to go with you.
You can support your fiancée without subjecting yourself to this. But if your fiancée is running around doing what his father wants all the time you might have to take time to consider if this is what you want in your life. And don't believe promises and intentions. Don't put any faith in them. Wait to see if things change FIRST before you make any kind of decision. Your FIL sounds horrible but it's not the first time we've read about a selfish, narcissistic, self-centered elder on here. And he's not your father in law. You are not legally bound to him......yet.
Save yourself while you still can.
I am also dealing with caring for my in-laws with a husband that flops on giving them whatever they want and walking away from it whenever he wants. My FIL lives here with me now (I'm literally counting the days till he goes back home).
Im impressed that you've stood your ground. Great for you (I feel like it took forever for me to get there). My therapist pointed out that my FIL was acting like a child. So I started treating him like one. If you can't use your manners I can't do what your asking - I then walk away. I refused to engage him when he's being nasty and mean.
Have you spoken to your fiance about all/ any of this? (My husband takes regular reminders or he falls back to the same behavior.
We are not ready to give up on our relationship but we both agree that we need to figure out how to better deal with him. After reading the narcissism articles we decided that we should speak to someone about how to deal better with someone with this type of problem and definitely do more research. My fiancé is literally one of the nicest and most sincere people I have ever met in my life and it breaks my heart to see his father put him in the middle like this so we are going to work our hardest to ensure our own sanity while we try to find a way to deal with this type of behavior. If anyone has any knowledge of a good site for narcissism please let me know!
See All Answers